I originally posted this on facebook for my friends to see but thought some people might find it interesting, or at the very least hopefully some other transgender person may read this and accept that they are not alone in how they feel, and perhaps that will help someone, or I might just be posting this for my own good, because it really is true, telling people about your problems helps make them seem smaller.
Ok Facebook is probably the wrong place to write this but I had to write something if only for my own peace of mind. I should say for those who understand the statement "Trigger Warning" the following contains, depression, anxiety and self hate, please don't read it if its something that will cause you pain.
For anyone who dose not know me, I am very emotionally fragile, my depression, anxiety, and self hatred don't care how logical a situation is that sets me off or how minor it is. I tend to obsess over the issue making it worse and worse in my mind, until I am in tears, or inflicting harm on myself to do something with the pain.
Last week I went through a tough spot involving possible difficulty with my laser hair removal, though in all reality it is a minor problem it coupled with being forced to grow out a patch of my facial hair, something I find very dysphoria inducing left me in a awful emotional state, but with some help from a old friend I got over it and on Wednesday I came to the realization that my transision is a second chance at life, and if I didn't stop verbally, emotionally and physically stop abusing myself I was going to end up the same sad mess I have been for so long, just in new cloths.
So though it was so very hard I stopped putting myself down, I started trusting people when they told me things like "you look happier now" or "your make up looks good" instead of just assuming they are just saying theses things when they actually mean "your ugly and should die". So I tried so hard to just let the compliment stand, not argue with them, be better to me. That lasted about 2 days.
Friday just as I got to work I was pulled aside by my manager and chewed out, it turns out some of my coworkers had complaints about me and my performance, these co workers never came to me to complain, they never even put there names to there complaints, the first I hear about it is being sat down by my manager and made to sign something that says, you screwed up in theses ways because someone else said you did and now we will be watching you closely and may fire you.
There is very very little in my life where I felt comfortable with my ability, I hate the job but I always felt I did a good job, and being confronted by that and by the fact that these people could not even be bothered to talk to me first it broke me. I held it together till my manger left and was a mess the whole day. I had to take a deep breath every time I said a word to anyone or my voice shook, I managed to avoid full blown crying when on the counter but just barely, and in between the tears where burst of anger and self harm, in a matter minutes everything I had resolved to try and fix in myself fell apart and I was telling myself that I am a fat, ugly, stupid, useless piece of garbage who should have ended there pain decades ago, and this went on for 7 hours of silent rage and pain. A short phone call from another coworker brought me from shaking pain and rage into a more dull ache, the place i get where all I want is to eat something terrible for me, hug a pillow and cry myself to sleep.
After work I was going to go home, and continue to think about this, continue to hurt myself, hate myself, break myself further. It is just what I do, I punish myself for things I have no control over, I hate myself for things that happened decades ago as if they happened today I face all my failings absolutely sure I am totally to blame. Instead of going home I went to BattleGround at first just go pick something up, But I stuck around too long and some people left and I found myself talking to a friend, I never intended to do it and I hate myself for laying my pain, problems, and feelings at his feet. I generally think no one should have to deal with me, and rarely have let people see too much of that part of me.
I just talked I told him about the day, about the stress of it all, about everything that had happened recently and about how I treat myself, I put everything out there, everything I have said here and more, once I started it was hard to stop, and I hate myself because having drawn him into this part of me once, its so much easier for me to do so again.
We didn't solve any problems, we didn't cure any pains, I am still terrified of work on sunday. I am back to hating myself, insulting myself, hurting myself, and the tears haven't really stopped, and this pain has just dragged old hurts to the surface and I know I will be struggling with this for at least the next week. But Things do feel just a bit better, the edge taken from the pain, the bitter removed from the freezing cold. The simple act of telling someone about it helped to start the healing, I want to the friend who listened so well THANK YOU so much for being there.
It could be a long time till I am back to where I was before today, till I can once again try and let go of the pain and self hatred, and at least for the next little while i know I am going to come off as distracted, sad, depressed, and not really there, and I am sorry. A special apology to those who I have opened up to before, I am sorry if I hurt you or burden you with my problems, but if I am coming to you, its because I trust you and value your opinion I am sorry and thank you.
Serena
Hugs. Sorry that things feel so crappy for you at the moment. I hope that they do settle down again for you and you feel like you're back on better footing than before all this blew up on you. It's great that someone was able to listen to you though - that's a great sign. Maybe buy them a small gift to say thank you. :)