So I have this cis friend. She's really supportive of me coming out and transitioning and one of my best friends. But she's been doing something that's starting to make me mad. And I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive or if I should bring it up. And if so...how to do so without looking like I'm just trying to make myself the center of attention or suffering more or whatever else.
So the thing is, every time we're talking about my transition (which is hardly ever and usually because she has a question). She has to point out how she knows exactly how I feel. For example, the other day a guy in a store told us to "have a nice day ladies" and later I told my friend how great it's gonna be when one day people don't look at us and say "ladies". And then she had to go on for ten minutes about knowing her luck people will probably think we're both guys.
A moment to explain. My friend looks nothing like a guy. She has curves, wears girls clothes and make-up, has long feminine hair, and a large chest. I've never heard her complain about being misgendered before I came out. I've never heard anyone call her sir. And though my voice is higher than hers, she sounds like a normal woman. I sound like a five year old girl.
But even when I came out, she had to tell me about how she gets it because her sister wears boy shorts and hats. Or how some days she doesn't want to wear make-up. So she totally understands.
It's just I struggle a lot with being misgendered. I have a lot of dysphoria about my body. And I worry about not being "trans enough". So every time she talks about how she has the same problem because once or twice someone called her "sir" on the phone when she had a cold, I feel like my feelings are being be-littled. It's not that I want to be special. But it angers me that she doesn't see a difference.
The other problem is I'm sure she's not trying to make me feel like that. She can be a bit of a drama queen, so I wonder if part of the issue is that she feels like the attention isn't on her. I hardly ever bring up the subject, but I'd like to at least be able to talk about some stuff with her.
Am I in the wrong here? What should I do?
I can't imagine her intentions being ill, but I can see how that would be incredibly frustrating...
I don't really know what to tell you, but maybe it is an attention thing, especially if she's used to the attention being on her, or maybe she's just trying to act like she relates so you don't feel alone, and doesn't realise she's making things more uncomfortable for you when she does that.
I don't think you're in the wrong, but this situation kind of reminds me of stuff with my anxiety, where I'll talk about how anxious I can get and someone's like: Lol I'm like that when it comes to math!'
And it's just kind of invalidating and frustrating like they don't /understand/ how serious and frustrating what you're going through can be.
It's a tricky situation though =/ Especially if she really means no harm
Of course you're not wrong. If your friend makes you feel in a certain way, you're entitled to feel that way.
It sounds annoying to me. After a couple of times I'd want to hit her.
She sounds a bit self-centered. She can't bear the idea that someone else would go through something she doesn't so she has to convince herself (and you) that she routinely goes through the same thing.
Two choices. Either look inside yourself for the forbearance to accept your friend as she is. Or spend less time with her. Because I bet she isn't going to change.
About not being trans enough, I have similar feelings. (Was going to say "I know exactly what you mean" but stopped myself :-\ ) It took me a while to really get that there's no one evaluating me. No one is qualified to judge my experience. But I'd read the posts of these women here who look and seem totally girly and be sure I could never be like they are.
I don't feel that you are in the wrong, but from what you described it does seem like you care about this friendship and don't want to lose it. I have had similar issues with friends, and the thing that really rectified the situation was sitting down with them and having a very serious discussion about how I feel and how difficult it is and that made them realize that they couldn't understand what I was going through but they could still be supportive. I don't know if you've had that kind of extended conversation with this friend, but if not and you are comfortable with doing so it may help. I highly doubt she is trying to upset you especially since she seems to be one of your very good friends, but it is a tendency of people to try to understand the struggles of those close to them even when they can't. My guess would be that is what your friend is trying to do. Another thing to consider is that your friend might be trying to make light of things and joke in hopes of cheering you up or because she doesn't understand what you are going through but she wants you to feel like she's there for you regardless. None of that makes your feelings any less valid, but they are simply things to consider. Although, the most direct route would be to simply talk to her about it and let her know that it bothers you but that you appreciate her friendship and support. Those are just my thoughts based on what you described.
Some people just prattle on to fill in the silence, words vomit out in a jumbled barely sensible mess and it can be quite tiresome. They don't seem to be able to regulate the process of speaking every thought that comes into their mind. A lot of the time though it's the result of being nervous, so maybe take that into account. She doesn't seem to be ill intentioned, I can guess that she probably has no idea she's upsetting you so if it continues to get on your nerves you may need to say something.
I'm just guessing, since I don't know your friend, but it sounds like she's trying to be supportive to let you know you're not alone in this but her efforts are an epic fail. Maybe she's really trying to figure out how to empathize and hasn't got a clue. Kudos to her for trying, especially since she seems so far removed from having any gender doubts.
Maybe if you reassure her that it's okay that she doesn't understand the magnitude of being trans* and going through transition and you value her acceptance even more for that? She might be relieved that she doesn't have to try so hard any more. (I start rattling on when I'm trying too hard, so I can relate to her spouting nonsense just to try to be positive and encouraging and keep an awkward silence away.)
There is definitely a difference in what you're experiencing and what she has experienced. And based on her explanation of why she "gets it", I'd say that she doesn't. But I also don't think she means anything by it. I've got some people in my life who absolutely need to be the center of attention all the time, and it sounds like she's in a similar camp.
My advice would be to just space out and ignore her side comments. Perhaps don't initiate conversations about your transition around her and see how long it takes her to realize that you haven't talked about it in a while. It might make her curious enough to ask why, and then you could have a conversation about it without seeming like you're on the offense.
I think she is trying to be supportive and latches on things that she "thinks" are similar. She has no clue the depth of the pain you are suffering. I do not think CIS can relate because they have nothing to compare but often try and it feels like a trivial comparison.
In time things will continue to evolve and she will realize she has little to draw comparison.
I do not know if you go to group but a trans-masculine group would have others that are going through what you are going through and help provide support.
I actually had a work friend say, everyone has problems and you are no different. I share extremely little with him now and we are a bit distant. It really hurts losing the friend but it is best for both of us. Perhaps in the future we can become closer again but he is a guy and perhaps it is just that we are different and we do not "fit" anymore.
I've had friends behave the same way, and it annoyed me too. The subtle implication seems to be that they experience gender dysphoria too, and that I'm crazy for wanting to transition while they just shrug it off and get on with life.
It trivializes what we go through and is patronizingly self-centred and presumptuous, and I'm reminded of that South Park episode when Stan finally realizes why Token is upset with him, and they make peace when Stan says "I get it... I DON'T get it".
My mother has been doing the same thing with me, and it's driving me nuts. Much like your friend and many other cis people, my mother has a big ego, fragile pride, a persecution complex, and they get defensive when they're told others have bigger problems than they do and that, no, their "help" isn't helpful.
Thanks to everyone for the advice. I'm glad to hear that I'm not over reacting or whatever. And yes, she is a close friend so I wouldn't want to just give up on the relationship, or do anything to ruin it. I think I might try to just not talk about trans things around her because I fear trying to tell her that she doesn't get it will lead to a "my pain is bigger than your pain" type discussion. And my friend (while I love her and am grateful for her support) can be a bit immature/brat-ish about things like that. I think it was just the way she was raised (spoiled only child) and it will just take time for her to start to grow up.
That said, if she keeps up with it, even without me starting the conversation I think I'll just have to talk to her about it and let the chips fall where they may.