Today I talked to a new friend who is a trans woman who transitioned 15 years ago. It was an interesting conversation.
She told me it's going to be a struggle. Yes and no. I think much of the struggle is behind me, but there could be a few things ahead. But I take the advice to be cautious.
She takes premarin because her endo says it's better than generic estradiol and refuses to prescribe anything generic. I said I'm not a doctor but generic E has been working fine for me but to each her own.
She said it was not possible to change gender marker on her Passport because that required surgery. Things have changed and she was thankful for the updated info.
It was interesting listening to her story though. She's in her 60s, transitioned in her 50s. She doesn't care about what people think. She doesn't pass at all and knows it, and doesn't care. Passing on the phone with her voice which sounds very masculine doesn't happen. She knows this and doesn't care, and will let people call her "sir." I told her I hated the word "sir" so much that I went all the way to South Korea to have a surgeon permanently alter my voice. She said she didn't see the point, that people don't see her on the phone so if they call her sir she won't really have a problem.
It was a different attitude to mine by a huge degree. I take a great deal of effort to pass. If I don't pass I seek to figure out how to pass. These days I pass very well, especially with the voice and some time on HRT. I am likely going to have FFS sooner or later, and body contouring too. She seems happy not passing.
She is also non-op. I am pre-op because SRS is absolutely in my future. I don't judge people for that decision but I think that it is inevitable for me.
The real interesting thing though is that she says she is stealth to a large degree, meaning she doesn't have much of a paper trail behind her. She also says she doesn't really care much for "community" or hanging out with "cross dressers" as she put it.
Anyway it was interesting seeing how even we as transgender people differ in our approaches to our lives and our transition.
Everyone has their own unique experience of transition and living as a trans person. I guess the thing is, if a person is unable to pass in the usual understanding of that concept, and they are unable or not interested in surgery and yet being their identified gender is their ultimate goal for their personal wellbeing and happiness, it makes sense to jettison fretting about passing. That would be a very quick road to misery otherwise.
The very first trans woman I met was in 1988 at a student politics thing, she was a tutor at my university(but not one of my tutors), probably in her 50s - if no one had told me her name I wouldn't have read her as female. Other than longish (thinnish) hair, earrings (I think?) and a bit of a bust there were no other signs/indicators (not that I was looking all that closely at that stage). I presume she was out - but that's only because everyone else apparently knew. She seemed very comfortable with herself, so good luck to her! I was definitely curious about her but I didn't start to consider transition myself until 1989. I did bump into her in 1990, (awkwardly) told her I was trans and tried to tee up a meeting for a week later which she then never showed up for. Don't know if she forgot or was sick or what but it was a bit disappointing at the time. Never bothered to re contact her after that. A shame. She was quite an interesting character!
She also did say that she's going to have BA sooner or later. That's a pretty interesting choice, given not caring so much about passing.
That said, I was happy I met up with her because now I know I'm not alone with this particular group of friends. And that is important.
Well, I'm finding my breast are making a big difference in my feel good. The thing is as I 've always seen this issue is you do it to heal yourself and that has absolutely nothing to do with how someone else perceives you as to whether you fit .
I actually don't find it surprising because sometimes we do things just for us and not for the sake of passing. It's true it may aid in passing though. It's not something in the long run that I have ruled out and I even mentioned it at my consult, but I don't need it to pass. It's more about what I see in the mirror and what I would ultimately like to achieve. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: iKate on August 02, 2015, 06:20:30 PM
She also did say that she's going to have BA sooner or later. That's a pretty interesting choice, given not caring so much about passing.
That said, I was happy I met up with her because now I know I'm not alone with this particular group of friends. And that is important.
I agree with Stephanie and Mariah. I probably won't have a BA, but it's tempting. Not for passing - more because I want to know what it feels like to have the sort of chest most other women have.
I'm not sure I could deal with not passing, but I can certainly see not focusing on passing. When I feel like I'm presenting as a woman, I get gendered male. When I feel like I'm presenting as a guy, I get gendered female. It seems to be that the less I try, the more effective it is.
I don't pass, and although I will probably get FFS and VFS in the future (funds permitting), even then I won't pass...but I won't look and sound quite so...male to myself.
And this is good for me; given that there will always be something about me that tips off others, why bother with what others think?
Sounds like she doesn't know what stealth means, I transitioned 12 or so years ago and was also on premarin, but I switched when my endo advised me too.
If I could afford BA I would get it, just for myself.
I just can't see getting a surgery that I have to maintain 10 years down the line with another surgery, that said she is pretty flat chested so I guess she sees that as an issue affecting her self confidence.
I'd quite like to get a BA myself, and its certainly not to help me pass. That's actually the main thing stopping me as I need to keep presenting male.