Hi folks.
For some of those who saw a few a months back, I had gotten the worst possible outcome for transitioning. My parents found out about me being trans and flipped badly. They said some stuff that still chills my soul today. It wasn't a good scene. They told me I do this and I'm out of the family and homeless. It frightened me to the very core. Everyday since has just been an ongoing struggle to make any plans seem real or not. I posted here saying I was done, and that the dream was dead; and it was for about a week. My depression got so bad that everything hurt and I cared about nothing and no one. I didn't know what to do. It seemed like my only option at the time.
Well a few weeks later my parents hooked me up with a therapist. We get together and talk for an hour on everything. It's been the biggest help with everything. He's helping me with my depression, my anxiety, my stress, my emotions, my fears, and my desire to become transgender. He's really helping me pin point problems and eliminating the negative thoughts. It's been good for me in that sense. Now he's not much of a gender therapist. I've been telling him about certain things and and what not of transitioning he understood what I was saying, but you could hear it in his voice that this was all new to him. I've been told by my transgender friends that I need to see a gender therapist instead. I think I'm fine with whatever is going not but what others thinks.
Here's the problem that's been on my mind. Do I still go forth with this anyways. I read a great book by a transgender woman's journey and pros and cons of being trans. Here's the link to the book http://hacking-transition.myshopify.com/ (http://hacking-transition.myshopify.com/). the book is 7.99 and well worth the read. Almost 100% of what she felt or said is what I currently feel. This is why it's on my mind. I now have physical proof to me that becoming a woman is what i'm supposed to do in life. I'm scared to choose and answer. I'm going to lose my family if I choose this and will be stuck homeless, but this could be the first steps of being happy, looking pretty.
Any advice or suggestions for me? I'm seeing my therapist on monday and we'll talk about in depth than. I'm hoping everything goes well.
thanks for being a closer family than my real ones.
Love Sammi
Quote from: CaptFido87 on August 06, 2015, 01:04:38 AM
Hi folks.
For some of those who saw a few a months back, I had gotten the worst possible outcome for transitioning. My parents found out about me being trans and flipped badly. They said some stuff that still chills my soul today. It wasn't a good scene. They told me I do this and I'm out of the family and homeless. It frightened me to the very core. Everyday since has just been an ongoing struggle to make any plans seem real or not. I posted here saying I was done, and that the dream was dead; and it was for about a week. My depression got so bad that everything hurt and I cared about nothing and no one. I didn't know what to do. It seemed like my only option at the time.
Well a few weeks later my parents hooked me up with a therapist. We get together and talk for an hour on everything. It's been the biggest help with everything. He's helping me with my depression, my anxiety, my stress, my emotions, my fears, and my desire to become transgender. He's really helping me pin point problems and eliminating the negative thoughts. It's been good for me in that sense. Now he's not much of a gender therapist. I've been telling him about certain things and and what not of transitioning he understood what I was saying, but you could hear it in his voice that this was all new to him. I've been told by my transgender friends that I need to see a gender therapist instead. I think I'm fine with whatever is going not but what others thinks.
Here's the problem that's been on my mind. Do I still go forth with this anyways. I read a great book by a transgender woman's journey and pros and cons of being trans. Here's the link to the book http://hacking-transition.myshopify.com/ (http://hacking-transition.myshopify.com/). the book is 7.99 and well worth the read. Almost 100% of what she felt or said is what I currently feel. This is why it's on my mind. I now have physical proof to me that becoming a woman is what i'm supposed to do in life. I'm scared to choose and answer. I'm going to lose my family if I choose this and will be stuck homeless, but this could be the first steps of being happy, looking pretty.
Any advice or suggestions for me? I'm seeing my therapist on monday and we'll talk about in depth than. I'm hoping everything goes well.
thanks for being a closer family than my real ones.
Love Sammi
That is a really tough position to be in. Sounds like you get on Ok with the therapist...he may well be your best ally with your family... were you able to explain about Dysphoria to your family? do they get your situation or are they more "its all in your head" If they are inclined not to believe you it might be worthwhile getting your current therapist to recommend a Gender therapist if this is out of his league. At lest then your family may accept the need to see a gender therapist. If you can get to a good well trained therapist they will be able to help you sort this stuff out. It s a tough road with out family support but I under stand your need. Take care
Sarah T
hugs Sammi
I recall and felt so sad and disappointed for you...
And thanks we are a very close family and community, a safe and loving one for all to feel part of... I think that your family have taken a step in the right direction, however, maybe not quiet the best for all. Seeing a gender therapist is the best way forward, maybe ask, after a few visits, the least resistant of your family if they would like to come along... worth a thought...
As far as should you, I think you know that answer yourself, its a case of whether you can go it alone or not, not sure of your age, but could you manage yourself and finances? It does depend on your own emotional state and mind place... To be honest reading and understanding transgender stories is definitely useful, but unfortunately each and every one of us is very different as is degrees of depression caused by... certainly a tough one and heart goes out to you in reaching your decision in right time and path.
big hugs
Katy
Thanks Katy and Sarah for the nice responses.
I'm not sure if mentioning a gender therapist would be of any help as they don't condone this type of thing. So that might be an approach I might have to take on myself. I do enjoy my therapist and I've educated him a lot of the transgender people. I've been told by another trans woman who's my friend to also see a gender therapist. It may be something I'll do later on but he's given me the right answers that I need now.
As for telling about the dysphoria about it, no I didn't mention that. They basically just verbally attacked me together and made me feel small. They were concerned it'd ruin their social status and that I was trying to play god. I wouldn't say they are super religious but do go to church usually at least once a month because my grandma is religious. I think they were mostly afraid I'd get bullied more so than I currently do and that the world would always be against me. There was fear in my dads voice when we talked and nothing but anger in my moms voice. I know for a woman who gave birth to a child to suddenly say they don't feel the right gender can be very hard on someone. My mom grew up in a decently racist environment her whole life and always uses the wrong adjectives to describe people. She tells me that shes a good person and always does the right thing, but she can't she that she's a hypocrite. Someone does something wrong and shes quick to say that she hates them and hopes they die. It's very hard on a person like, especially when she constantly throws out the "->-bleeped-<-" term for transgender people. I always have to correct her. It's annoying. There's a clear difference in someone who dresses as the opposite gender compared to living their life as the opposite gender. She just won't accept it. Still thinks of Caitlyn Jenner as "Bruce".
That's the fear of home life for me. I honestly don't even know how to approach them on anything without them blowing up at me. So It's better to keep everything I do even more secretive now, as they do know of the situation.
As for me, like I said reading the book that I posted has changed the game for me. Almost everything she said or felt is what I currently feel. I'd like to say I'm 95% convinced that I need to do this. Everything about it makes so much sense to me. Yes I'm aware that losing my family could and is a high possibly to accept. I know my friends say they support me but talk behind my back. I'm not sure how it'll really play out. I could lose everything, but It's a chance that I'm probably going to have to risk. I have survival skills from being an eagle scout. If I have to go homeless for a time period, well than it's what will have to happen. I've had too many people my whole life tell what I can and can't do. It's time for me to do what I want. There's a time to worry and a time to grow up. I'm my own person.
Talk to ya later folks!,
Love Sammi
Do everything you can to become financially self sufficient. That eliminates the fear of being homeless, and the power of their threats.
You will also find that people who play that kind of fear motivated control game usually tend to be motivated by, and hostage to their own fears.
If you become financially sufficient and move out on your own, they will be afraid to cut you off, because then they can't play their games with you any more.
At least, that was how it worked with my parents and me.
Sammi,
I can't really offer any special advise or consolidation that has't already been said other than that, I completely identify with your situation.
I too am still reliant on my parents for many things. When I turned 18 I decided I would move out, get a job and say "This is me, I'm not asking for your approval. I'm just telling you how it is." However, I was aware that my parents could threaten me by kicking me off their health care, withdrawing money from my university funds or take other actions that, although would not result in me being homeless, would make my life difficult and incredibly sucky (not to mention the emotional drain). There was a lot of anxiety/hell the day before my "talk" with them that none of my friends could even begin to comprehend. Regardless of a parent's reaction, that fear is very real and I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you. You're most definitely not alone in this.
In addition, about seeing a gender therapist vs a general therapist: i think it really depends on your relationship and if you feel you are getting what you want out of your sessions. I love my therapist and even though he doesn't specialize in gender and isn't up on the latest trans research, he really understands me and I'm happy. I say do what works for you.
Best of luck!
Thanks again for the nice replies.
I'm working on becoming financially independent. I figured right now if I had to leave and find a place, I could do it within a month to be able to afford the hefty apartment fee, but after that it'd be alright. I could afford hormonal treatments, my car payment and insurance and what ever is left would go towards food (Which would be slim to none). I've grown up where i could make it doing this process. It's not 100% ideal, but I could do it. I'm am working on paying things off now so when the time comes I'll have more money. That's the best I can do while living at home.
Today I will be hitting up my therapist and telling him that I plan on moving forward with this. He's been very helpful for being fairly under-educated on the topic. I don't think a gender therapist would be of much help now. They would basically agree with me and vise versa. So I'm ready for whatever happens now and just going to go from there.
This is how I'm going to plan my journey. just doing whatever I can to make it happen
thanks again, Love Sammi
I can understand that desire... I'm sorry your home life is so hard. But remember you also need to do what is best for you. So figure out what that is and do it. You come first, everyone else is second including family. It's hard but just don't regret your decisions.
Which Pain is Worse?
Can you survive without transitioning? Can you transition & still survive?
Life and living is a constant challenge of maintaining a balance between all sorts of competing needs and wants. Only you can truly decide which of all those needs are on the top of the list
Quote from: JoanneB on August 10, 2015, 09:28:05 PM
Which Pain is Worse?
Can you survive without transitioning? Can you transition & still survive?
Life and living is a constant challenge of maintaining a balance between all sorts of competing needs and wants. Only you can truly decide which of all those needs are on the top of the list
This is is the right question. :)
Quote from: JoanneB on August 10, 2015, 09:28:05 PM
Which Pain is Worse?
Can you survive without transitioning? Can you transition & still survive?
For me I could go a while and not transition, but I feel like things would only get harder for me. That's why I've decided that this is my future and it is what I want. I am a survivalist. I can adapt to many situations and live. I've done it before in scouts and in life. I'm tired of people telling what I can and can't do. I'm putting my foot down. I'm ready to become Samantha and live life the way I should. This is how I will survive. I'm going to let whatever happen, happen. I'm got a list of things that I know need to be done before this can happen, and they're starting to become top priority.
This is my desire and I'm ready for it. I can't wait to become a beautiful blossoming flower. My family will have to either come to terms or its goodbye. I can't let them control my life. They won't understand and don't care. Yes I'd be devastated losing them but I need to do whats best for me. It's going to be a very hard journey but the end result is positive. I know this.
Oh man... That made me tear up a little bit. You go girl! :)
I will quote Oscar Wilde to you
"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken"
You know who you are. You know what you have to do. So do it. Be true to yourself because living a lie will destroy your soul
I agree with the girls who said you should get to a GENDER therapist. Your current therapist sounds good for you, but you would likely make much more transition to womanhood progess via a Gender Therapist, if this is what YOU want to do.
The fears about being homeless are very real....many of my trans female friends have ended up homeless. If you can proceed without becoming homeless...well, that's obviously really important.
Some of my friends have proceeded to womanhood in spite of becoming homeless. Only YOU can decide if this is right for you. xx
Sounds like you are hanging in there .great to see ,i went to a therapist an i was told that with time the want to be a woman gets stronger an comes out more. Dont try to suppress it , it doesn't work :-)
Sent from my ME172V using Tapatalk
Being homeless is very difficult. I know several trans woman that are homeless. At times they are extremely stressed when food is scarce and the temperatures drop. Homeless shelters can be a difficult place for trans woman. Getting hormones and needles and syringes is an effort.
I also know several trans woman that live together and share everything. Several of us help them out but it is still very difficult.
I agree a gender therapist is a good resource to help you. Also, getting involved in the community is a must. Make friends and go to group. See if you can find a trans boarding house. There are a few in Philly and they charge reasonable rates for a room. Get a job that you can get to with public transportation.
The most important things is a roof over your head, food, work and transition. You need all 4 or it can impact the other 3. Save your money and have adequate reserve. Do not waste you resources.
I am glad you are back; I have thought about you from time to time.
Two sayings that may help:
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
Slow is fast and fast is slow. (meaning go slow and do not rush and make mistakes)
This is just my 3 cents, everyone grows up and moves out on their own its a natural process everyone does it. For us transgender its the same except you transition as you move on; Its really a no brainer. Get a job make money move out transition or move out live with others for cheap rent and transition. Transition is a day to day process , your living your life. Its your decision , if your parents want contact it's their choice. It's the same really whether or not you transition, It might be a touch more complicated in transitioning on the job, but people do it all the time. It's life.
thank you guys so much for the nice support. its means so much for me.
Currently I've calculating my monthly money status. Right now I could afford to move out but affording insurance or hormones wouldn't be possible. My car is close to being paid off. Once that is out of the picture it saves me so much money. My thoughts are if I have to be homeless I could live in my car for a few months while I save money for rent. Like I said It's a huge fear of living homeless but I could do it thanks to all of my years in scouts. Surviving is not hard if you know what to do. That's honestly the least concerning thing at the moment. I need to get insurance and start saving for hair removal sessions and hormones. I plan on going to the Howard Brown in Chicago to get my hormones. My friend did it without any trouble, so I know its a good place to start.
I have been thinking about it, and seeing a gender therapist would probably do me some good. Though I don't feel that I need it, perhaps they could offer insight on what to do next for a game plan. I enjoy my current guy but he's so unfamiliar with gender. He follows it to a point and understands the basics but not the whole thing. so that's the hard part. We've talked and I think he got the gist that I'm going forward with it. he said whatever decision i decide to take to go slow and go from there. I will see him a few more times but Idk if I could afford a gender therapist right now. Moneys been tight so I need to make sure I get the proper things covered first.
My company i'm with seems to be lgbt friendly. The website says they are but you never know until you ask. so hoping the are. If i get insurance through them i'd have to wait til march. That could work but I want to start hormones in jan as that'd be halfway through 25 for me. The sooner I do it the better the benefits are or at least so I've heard anyways.
I'm frankly sick of being me. I screw up a lot in life, my own friends not only make fun of behind my back, but to my face, my family has been causing me a lot of stress lately, I've been making too many stupid mistakes at work, and I'm having dysphoria up the ass. it's like this is a clear sign to start over new. I want to do it but I have so much doubt and fears that's holding me back. I know its the right choice. I just can't seem to fully grasp it. hopefully soon be on my path to womanhood.
p.s. Thank you cynthia for thinking about me. I know I panicked really hard and didn't come back for some time. My dad threatened to shut down the internet and ->-bleeped-<- if I came back, but I've gotten over that. So It's likeI never left, just took a lot vacation to find out who I am.
Love you all so much!!! love Sammi
its going to be hard to tell you to go forward with it, but just one question. I know this may seem strange, but who do you benefit from to please? the parrents, they may come arround, and it may be a big shock that set it of.
you in the meanwhile, Listen to your feelings, try some more sessions of conceling, you dont have to make up your
mind today about it, just make sure you Please yourself. there is only one of you, and making up your choise just out of that rather unplessant revealing to your parrents. its not going to help.
I am in a simular possition myself. i have yet to talk to a therapist about this issue, which i have had for 70% of my life. from i was 5years old´ish to now 23, and quite missrable, due to the fact that my family looks upon it as a "sickness" i made this account here today, i want to go through with it. and I AM GOING TO SEE a therapist for it. just that i need to move away, and start with blank sheets of papers.
I can promiss you this, if you dont seek out help, and by this i dont mean transition, but gender therapists, you will eventualy get stronger feelings for the change. i should have done it many years ago, and not waiting almost 20 years for doing something for it. the reason why i am willing to now, is that i have Finaly spoken to two friends of mine about it, other than my family. one of which has the same issues as me, but not in M2f but more f2m. and her family never cared for his happiness either.
Happyness comes from within, not outside sources, Your body, your rules. Dont just push the feelings away, who knows, talking to a therapist might direct you to not doing it, or doing it. But dont let people dirrect your happiness
thanks dizzie.
You are right about the blank sheet thing. A fresh new start to life and happiness. I feel for ya. Hope you start therapy soon. Us trans people will always probably face some sort of hate or discrimination forever, but the more we band together the further in life we'll go. Good luck on your (and your friends) journey. I'm ready for mine and for the dream to become real
You know you can still take hrt for a while without letting your parents know, so that you can put more money on the side while living with them... From your face you look very round and soft, I think it will help with passing! Good luck
why thank you serena
I do have a cuddly face to a point. It helps my dysphoria when I have a freshly shaved face and look into a mirror. It does look a little girlish hehe. Soon.
Yea that's my plan. From what I've read online most people went about 6 months without the effects being overly noticeable. So that'd be a good amount of time to save and plan on my moving out. The goal is to last this long an not have my parents think anythings up. The only thing they are suspicious about is that I refuse to get a haircut. Last time I did was in march and my mom took off more than a half inch like she said. So If I get a trim she might take a lot off again. Hopefully not. Other than that I have been doing okay just buying stuff in preparation. When I get a lot of packages at once things get suspicious. Guess I'll have to ease up on that.
Quote from: CaptFido87 on August 16, 2015, 09:16:11 PM
why thank you serena
I do have a cuddly face to a point. It helps my dysphoria when I have a freshly shaved face and look into a mirror. It does look a little girlish hehe. Soon.
Yea that's my plan. From what I've read online most people went about 6 months without the effects being overly noticeable. So that'd be a good amount of time to save and plan on my moving out. The goal is to last this long an not have my parents think anythings up. The only thing they are suspicious about is that I refuse to get a haircut. Last time I did was in march and my mom took off more than a half inch like she said. So If I get a trim she might take a lot off again. Hopefully not. Other than that I have been doing okay just buying stuff in preparation. When I get a lot of packages at once things get suspicious. Guess I'll have to ease up on that.
I've been for the most part able to run around without any notice with a B cup for the past 6 years on HRT. My basic observation on life after some nearly 60 years on this planet is that there are those that want to be "discovered" and those that don't. If you don't want to be, odds are slim to none you won't be.
Hi Sammi,
You know what you really need is to somehow get your parents to a therapist. In many ways they need one more than you. Perhaps an idea you could discuss with your therapist. I know it would be a long shot but if you could somehow convince them, it might change the whole dynamic.
Just a thought,
Paige :)
Even when growing hair out, it's recommended to get a haircut every 8 weeks or so just to take care of split ends and to help with shaping. Try going out to a salon, or Great Clips or something. They'll do whatever you ask them to do and nothing more!
Hey Kristina, Yea I could use a trim. I'll probably have my mom trim it once its around sept. time. this way it's only a few months worth of work gone instead of a lot more.
Joanne, that's pretty cool. I hope that's the case for me. I am still fairly big so it might not be as noticeable, but when I do put a bra on under my shirt you can see that they would stick out more as opposed to not wearing one. I wear polo shirts often at work so that would help too as they are a little baggier. If they get out of hand I'll get a binder to really prevent anything.
Hi Paige! I have thought about it and even suggested it to my therapist. Problem is we both agreed that it would most likely not help the situation. My mom is the real troubled one. She won't listen to a word of it and would likely deny anything is her fault. She is often a hypocrite and doesn't like to be wrong. So I feel she would be making things harder on me. Idk honestly. Maybe once I move out and begin my transition. Than I could try to convince them to see someone and hope for the best. It's a hard area to work with.
I thank you all for the nice comments so far! keep them up! It makes my mood much better. Obviously my journey to transitioning is going to be a lot harder than some peoples but not the total worst. Perhaps it's the best. To truly understand how some people do it and live their live; you have to take it through the worst to know how to prevent it for someone else.