So I am not 100% sure where the correct forum is for this, so I picked the most generic I could find.
I have run into a bit of a predicament. Probably inevitable considering the reason I am here.
I'm really wanting to go out and present properly (read: as myself) in public. Soon. There are two problems.
1. I have literally no allies to back me up. Meaning noone to keep me company, and no safety net.
2. I have no idea where I can go, without risk of outing myself to people I know.
I'm trying to get info on a local transgroup, but by the sound of it the next meeting is a ways off and I'm getting sick of pretending to be a guy.
Any suggestions for how to do this right?
Do you not have any friends that you trust with this information? Even online or in another city? (other than us) If not, then I am very sorry. I have gained most of my confidence by going out with other women that accept me and in some cases even understand my plight. Dress shopping, dinner, playing games at a friend's house. Those types of activities have helped to reinforce that I'm not doing something wrong or perverse. I'm also fairly good at being oblivious to those around me, lol.
In lieu of those types of friends though, there's not much you can do except to wait for the next support group meeting. At least not that I know of. Best of luck to you!
I was in pretty similar situation - no friends or allies, no idea where to go and what to do. It helped to take small steps instead of plunging into it without any idea about consequences. So, I kept switching and adjusting various items of clothing till I reached very androgynous mode - where I did spend a lot of time actually. At some point of time, combined with effects from the HRT, it became obvious that next step should be taken, besides all those around have grown so much accustomed into my new, yet very gradual presentation that nobody said a thing when I showed up dressed in female outfit to my office. Granted, I never went full-time officially and I still dont wear makeup, but I can dress the way I like (well, if I dress like male, then I start getting stares...) and walk in the public with confidence.
Maybe this gradual approach would work for You too?
Quote from: Kaya_Kai on August 09, 2015, 04:04:52 PM
So I am not 100% sure where the correct forum is for this, so I picked the most generic I could find.
I have run into a bit of a predicament. Probably inevitable considering the reason I am here.
I'm really wanting to go out and present properly (read: as myself) in public. Soon. There are two problems.
1. I have literally no allies to back me up. Meaning noone to keep me company, and no safety net.
2. I have no idea where I can go, without risk of outing myself to people I know.
I'm trying to get info on a local transgroup, but by the sound of it the next meeting is a ways off and I'm getting sick of pretending to be a guy.
Any suggestions for how to do this right?
I am sorry that you live in such an unsafe place. Definitely you need close friends to backup you. If you indeed live in a dangerous place, then you may consider to come out in your work place first. It may require time and courage.
Fortunately, I live in the safest country in the world.
http://www.numbeo.com/crime/rankings_by_country.jsp
(https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5618/20487194642_9156c86306_b.jpg)
barbie~~
Well there was a similar thread recently...
they drove around in their car first, then got out at a public place where nobody knew them.
I totally second what Emily said. There's no real need to makes some sort of instant switch. Gradually-- like one thing a day-- change your look to an increasingly androgynous look. This way you'll be able to better gauge how the people around you are adjusting. Save the lipstick and flowered dresses for later on. But you can do a lot without being obviously TG-- "no makeup" makeup, earrings, hairstyles and ornaments and so forth. Wear womens clothes that are more andro styled, like skinny jeans or sleeveless t-tops.
Do you drive?
If so, drive away from your area, park up and take a stroll... the confidence you'll gain is indescribable. That worked for me... backing Laura's comment up :)
Your avatar tells me you'll certainly have no problem passing... very attractive
Katy xx
I'm a big proponent of Baby-Steps. A few weeks for the TG group meeting isn't that long of a wait when you consider you've already waited a lifetime. You'll also get the added bonus of meeting others who may be there to assist with another outing outside of a group setting.
At 6ft tall and mostly bald, for me it's all or nothing. I anguished for weeks prior to my first "daylight" outing in over 30 years. I was presenting as female prior to that only to my monthly TG group meeting. Technically leaving in daylight but not really out in the daylight.
Living in rural WV at the time where to go was an issue for me also. I opted for the baby-step of for my therapist appointment. The nearest T-friendly one I was seeing was some 90 miles away. I felt so alive, so joy-filled, so.... me after seeing him I did not hesitate at all to take the classic walk around the mall that sunny afternoon.
You probably don't have to resort to a 90 mile drive to an out of town mall.
Look really really close at style these days. There's a middle where we all wear the same stuff.
I have a sister colleague, (I'm cis-M -- middle person) sof'butch lesbian, MD doctor who pretty much presents "male." -- but probably cis-F. "You're no more female than I am male. We don't need surgery, hormones to be who we are. WE ARE NOT BROKEN & AND DON'T NEED FIXING TO BE WHO WE ARE."
Google: Dr. Judith Butler, Ph.D. -- UC Berkeley, Lit.Crit. / Gender Theory.
Google: "non-hetero-normative" -- per Butler
You could out yourself to someone you trust, also it may help to start seeing a therapist and even if the TG group is not for a while you might be able to contact some of there members that live near you even if its just a few e-mails, talking to someone who understands can be good.
I was sure I was going to loose everyone when I told them, how could they ever see things like I did, and then I found out that real friends don't need to know how I feel, all they needed was to know I hurt and belive that this would help and they supported me. In the end I have not lost anyone I can think of and in fact have grown closer to many of them, trusting them with this secret let me trust them with other parts of me and over all its been good.
Also going out can be terrifying the only way I get through it when alone is to listen to music to distract myself a bit so I don't spend all my free time obsessing over how strangers might see me.
Serena
New to me here too! Bastille Day, 14 July.
Mostly at 67, I'm same me I was before, only open, liberated. Ironic that everyone seemed to already know.
EVERYONE, EVERYONE HAPPY, SUPPORTIVE !!!
But I'm me today still who I already was before. That's CRUCIAL to understand!
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WHO YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
Now, let's be clear . . . I'm cis-M. Present somewhere on the M side of the continuum. But pushing hard at the boundaries. It's as much political as "physiological" . . .
Quote from: Allison Wunderland on August 12, 2015, 02:59:15 AM
But I'm me today still who I already was before. That's CRUCIAL to understand!
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WHO YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
Indeed, and in that regards the quote from movie "Orlando" makes a lot of sense "Same person. Different gender". Or, as somebody posted here - "I am my female (or male) twin with the same sense of humour" :).
I think one of my earliest trips (alone) out into the big wide world involved putting my rubbish out (is that garbage for people in the US?). So glamorous! I was probably a bit overdressed for the occasion. Next, I went a bit further, made it to my car and went for a bit of a drive round at night. I did that a few times. Then, I drove to a cashpoint and got some money. Late night shopping was my next thing and so on.
Going from my front door, down 3 flights of communal stairs and 30 meters to my car seemed a bit of a gauntlet at the time.
I started slowly too. Leaving the blinds open at night was my first step in that direction. Followed by trips down the stairs for mail. Then out the door to bring in garbage cans. Amother trip to the basement in a skirt and flats to get bike wheels that needed work. In public I went in androgynous clothing to big busy places full of ways to get away and people who might help. As hrt has taken its effects I slowly femmed up more and more until I got where I wanted to be. This has been over the course of the last 5 or 6 months. I am now just me and the world can see that. Comfort does not do the experience justice. I am blissfully happy...