So I am very sure in the fact that I identify as a woman and I know I want to transition and live in that way, but sometimes I get worried that I'm not strong enough to actually do it. I know living as a man makes me hate life, but I have always been an impatient person and one that is easily upset by the words of others. I know it is only a matter of time until I run into someone who is not trans-friendly and they say something or do something that will make me feel like ->-bleeped-<- and while I know I shouldn't let those things get to me I'm sure they will. My supportive friends have told me frequently that I am one of the strongest people they know and how proud they are of me, but the fact is I don't feel strong and I'm really afraid about my future for all sorts of reasons. I just want to be able to live the way I want regardless of whether I pass or not.
Strong does not mean you don't have feelings.
People will say things that hurt your feelings. People will say things that hurt. People will say things that make you angry. You'll get frustrated with people.
But you'll hold your head high and move on.
That's what strong means.
I feel that all the time. I actually don't think I'm strong enough, but I have to try transition because the alternative is unacceptable.
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My long delayed transition was so imperative and needed that I could not worry about strength or passing and accepted that this would be a challenge. The need to free myself was finally greater than my fears.
You can and will find or create the strength and support you need from within and from your social circle.
I could've written that first post as well. Everything just seems scary to think about.
Every day.
I still don't know how far I can/will go. Sometimes I want to go all the way. Some times I just want to start over. Some times, I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide in bed for the rest of my life.
Joanna
Quote from: ChiGirl on August 11, 2015, 10:47:36 AM
I feel that all the time. I actually don't think I'm strong enough, but I have to try transition because the alternative is unacceptable.
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Same here. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to handle change, yet at the same time it's all I can think about.
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There are a lot of things I could not do until I did them Like:
Scheduler an intake. Hung up 4 or so times.
Arrive at the intake after walking around the block 3 times.
Call a gender therapist.
Interview with a gender therapist.
Walk into a LGBTI center for my gender therapist appointment.
Tell the receptionist at the LGBTI center my preferred name 3 or so times. He was priceless with the confused face.
Changing my primary care to a LGBTI primary care. The Aetna operator asked why.
Scheduling a hormone appoint at my new primary care (LGBTI)
Going to group
Finding a new therapist and starting from scratch
Walking down the street in center city in daylight in woman's clothing.
Coming out to a lot of people.
and the list goes on and on.
I am so much stronger now than I was then. Everything I did built agency.
Last Wednesday I had my annual review with my supervisor. He thanked me for giving him time to process me being trans (2.5 years). He said he is a white, male, heterosexual, republican , conservative, football player (college) and he just can not understand it. Then he said it really does not matter I am a model employee and a joy to work with. 2.5 years ago when I came out to him and told him I am starting HRT I thought he would fire me.
When I finally finished university I thought then was the perfect time to start "The Experiment". A few years later the experiment was again performed. Both times the experiment ended mostly due to how I responded to the world around me which affected me greatly.
I had spent the overwhelming majority of my life untill then being a target. A big fat target for ridicule and derision for all sorts of reasons, none of which had anything gender related. You may recall just what sort of angels kids can be :'( I had major body image issues, self esteem issues and self worth issues from it all on top of all the ones from being trans and knowing I should have been born a girl since about age 4.
I haven't reached enlightenment yet. I still have all sorts of self image issues. Yet there is nothing these days that can compare to the joy of being out in the real world as the real me. The pain of hiding a major aspect of my real self away, the pain from exhaustion from years of suppressing her one way or another, the pain of having no idea at all who or what I am, was far far worse then the memories of pains that haunted me from childhood.
It was a great leap of faith for me to take some 30+ years later to once again dare to step out into the sunshine fully presenting as the real me. I can still conjure up the feeling of joy I had that day some 5, or was it 6 years ago? To date the worse I experienced has been uncomfortably long stares. But when you are a tall, thin, well dressed, woman in a world of far shorter, far far heavier, and perhaps never been girlie-girl women I do stand out a bit. I just keep reminding myself of what the more likely reason is, and it is not that they all have X-Ray vision and are doing panty checks.
I know this feeling all to well, its almost constant, and I have been trying hard to lie to myself and try and convince myself that I am worth the effort to save, that I can and should be happy, that I can be the woman I see myself as, it works, sometimes. Trying to get more meditation time in as well.
But the best advice I can give, is to find people who you trust who you feel comfortable talking with, and when you hurt, vent a bit. For many years I had exactly one outlet a single wonderful person, who when things where at there worst was there for me, but it was so very hard on both of us and I will love them forever for standing by me, even if I didn't meet her for 16 years. After coming out I have expanded that circle, now there are a half dozen or so people I confide in, and it has brought me closer to those friends than I ever imagined I could be with them.
even if its just here and now, talk it wont actually fix anything, but it makes things easier to handle knowing that someone else is listening.
Serena
I feel the same, i also feel that im not strong enough but i agree with tessa james, the need to transition was greater than my fears. The first time i went out dressed as a female. I did get beaten up pretty badly by 3 men and this old man came out of his house and got rid of them and called me a amberlance to get checked over. My comfidence was gone and i questioned if it was really worth it.. so i stopped everything, doctors appointments, my hormones and i got rid of all my female clothes.. it was the biggest mistake of my life. But that was all down to fear.. over time the hate i had for myself came back and i started to suffer badly with depression.. so when i restarted my transition again i knew i had to be strong and not let things get to me otherwise i will never be happy. Im glad i did because now i have got the body i want, got the life i want and because of that im happy...
So i guess what im saying is that, life can yhrow things in your way. Some bad but also Some good. Try not to focus on the bad because your happiness is there to take and to enjoy. Transition is not easy. But dont do what i did and let other people decide your fate through there own judgments because it is there problem not yours.. i wish you all the best with everything
Lea xxx
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I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who experiences this feeling. I know I need to transition because the depression I feel from living as a man when it isn't how I identify is awful, but I also struggle when I look at how far I have to go to be happy. I just wish I could put on women's clothes, some make-up, and a wig and that would be enough but unfortunately puberty did plenty to make my body masculine.
Although it is hard, once you conquer the fear in your mind, nothing is impossible.
I often feel like I'm not strong enough. I've suffered with depression all my adult life, and I recently found out that I have OCD which is a whole thing to deal with on its own. Having to come to terms with this whole thing on top is just the icing on the cake of an incredibly hard year. I sometimes wonder if I have no strength left and inertia is the only thing that's keeping me going. But then I tell myself that I'm stronger than I think to just keep going day to day when all I want to do is crawl into bed and forget that the world exists at all. We're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for; so many people would break dealing with what we go through, or just deny it all and carry on with what they think is the safer route. At least that's what I tell myself, and there are even times in which I believe it ;).
I've been mentally abused more less my whole life. I don't care anymore, I'm over that. If someone mocks me and I'll just laugh in their face. You got to remember people like that often pour so much hatred on to other people because they've got some serious emotional issues of their own, it's pathetic really.
I've always been firm in my belief that most people in the world really don't care about my happiness and to conform to their standards is just ridiculous. Why should I care about the opinions or comments of some ignorant fool? I know it feels good to belong, but you don't belong with people like that. It sounds like you have some good friends. You're really lucky to have people who accept, support and care about you. Stick with them, don't give up and I'm sure you'll be happy.
Nobody ever said life was easy.
I found the following on a trans womans tumbler a few months ago, I save it and read it at least once a week.
"Today's mental health reminderL a relapse, a sudden series of attacks, a strong of awful days, (or whatever your step back may be) dose not decrease your value. Take your time, do some self care, reflect on the progress that you have made. You are strong; one step back is nothing when you look at the journey you have already made."
The first reply to it reminded me of myself
"I needed to hear this. I beat myself up all the time for haveing bad days. "But I was doing so good!" "
Serena