During my initial therapy session on Wednesday, my therapist suggested that grieving is a necessary part of my transitioning. So last night, I decided to write to that little girl whom I have know since she was seven years old. I grieve for that little girl who lives in me, who was always alone, confused and afraid. I grieve for the little girl who in second grade recess would sit by herself on the steps of the school and stare out at all the activity of the other children. I grieve for the little girl who was uncomfortable with the little boys who were so active and seemed to be always competing with one another. I grieve for the little girl who was afraid to be with the other little girls who seemed to be having so much fun and showed such kindness toward one another, but never invited her to join them. While I am grateful to be on the path of transition to womanhood, sill I pause from time to time in profound sadness, and grieve for the lonely little girl.
Reminiscing comes with powerful emotions. Good, bad, sometimes both. Every time you start looking back though you've got to remember to look ahead.
That is so sad, but so true too. . I really felt that post..
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That is very sad but your post is so very accurate for so many of us. I was thinking only recently about the lost and wasted years fighting this.
This is so true, I felt this way when I was kid to. Hell I still do I'm still so unsure of many things, stay strong hun
Hugs
On the same boat. However the only time in my life I greive about(on a regular basis) is the last 8 years. I'm 21 that's why it may seem so short compared to others. But the pain makes it seem like an eternity. If only I had the confidence to be me then.
Yet, who knows, perhaps as a result of this course of events that little girl turned out so much stronger - which otherwise would have not happened... Who knows...
Molly,
I was trying on my sisters clothes and not fitting in around 8 myself. Kept hiding and trying for my whole life. It wasn't till 5 months ago I thought about the true inner girl having been there all those years.( I'm pretty old now if my name didn't tell you) I only started therapy a month or two before that.
I was on the verge or midst of tears for a month or so. Not just what was missed but what that girl(who has not had a chance to grow) witnessed, as I did grow. It makes me feel abusive. I was desperately looking for her and signs that she is still there. I am convinced that I am female inside but still struggling with me being a girl. I am sure it is the old doubts that I think all on the is site have had from time to time. When I calm down and relax I feel closer but when I think of the little girl, I get all wound up again. Not blaming any one. Just sharing that I am grieving too and keep worrying that the true girl from so long ago is so traumatized she may never come out. I worry that I have found out who I truly am but so little of the original is left that I may just be empty.
Thank you for posting. I had posted something questioning some of this a few months ago. I was not very articulate and never felt I was completely understood. I appreciated the answers but now I see others speaking about a situation that is very similar. I still panic from time to time but it is good to share with others and see commonality.
I wish you love and a smooth journey.
With warmth,
Joanna
You've given me a way to look at the lonely little boy who didn't realize why he always felt different and never fit in.
Thank you.
Joanna50 Stay strong, it has been very recent for me as well. I have always known but it has taken till age 51 for me to accept some basic truths about myself and begin to move forward. I still feel that little girl but she is older/wiser now and doesn't show herself too often. She is responsible for finally setting me along this path. Listen to yourself and you may find the answer to some of the doubts you have. But overall I have this sense that what I am doing is right for me.
this is sorta why transition is not for me,i've gotten used to terry and don't feel right about killing him off for he has been useful at times,at times i have to give him a much needed backbone...most bullies never really knew that the mean person who looked like he would be easy prey had a side of him that took no b.s. i remember times when i had to chase terry to a corner and take care of business for him..after yrs of fighting we have come to an agreement about sharing this body, it hasn' been easy,but some things we can agree on,like our attraction to women,living life on our terms,the hardest part was fully revealing to my wife yrs ago about the true me,we got lucky that she is willing to stay in the marriage and be apart of this ride and a ride it has been..
Quote from: Molly Frances on August 13, 2015, 10:16:36 AM
During my initial therapy session on Wednesday, my therapist suggested that grieving is a necessary part of my transitioning. So last night, I decided to write to that little girl whom I have know since she was seven years old. I grieve for that little girl who lives in me, who was always alone, confused and afraid. I grieve for the little girl who in second grade recess would sit by herself on the steps of the school and stare out at all the activity of the other children. I grieve for the little girl who was uncomfortable with the little boys who were so active and seemed to be always competing with one another. I grieve for the little girl who was afraid to be with the other little girls who seemed to be having so much fun and showed such kindness toward one another, but never invited her to join them. While I am grateful to be on the path of transition to womanhood, sill I pause from time to time in profound sadness, and grieve for the lonely little girl.
Oh my, I can so relate to you.
Such a beautiful way of expressing this emotion
Anna
I too grieve for the lonely little girl. I was lucky enough that my body gave me some athletic gifts that I was able to use for survival early on. Sports became my outlet, though locker room talk was always very uncomfortable to me. Male bravado seemed pointless and immature, the feigned homosexuality in the locker room was also very confusing to me. I now know why.
I often wonder how that little girl would have developed. Would I have taken my penmanship lessons seriously? Would I have tried to develop the tiny little skill I had with pencil sketching into a more thorough art form? I'll never know because my male side had to be preserved at almost all costs. I had to keep the suit on for self preservation. My brother once discovered that I longed to wear a pink dress, he called me a f-word, punched me in the face and called me mentally ill. I was 9, he was 14. I knew then that this girl inside me needed to stay out of public.
It's sad to look back on now, I feel like the girl now known as Katelyn has grown up, she's internalized her own abuse and solitude and is forcing herself out from within and won't stop until she's conquered all. The male suit of armor turns out to be a house of cards and with a light breeze, it crumbles so easily. She's here and not going away and she doesn't care who she takes down with her.
And that scares me a little bit.
This topic has "stuck in my craw" since I first read it, and I really don't know how to react to it.
- Thinking about the times that my mother, who had no daughters, but married a man who had two already, grieved the fact that she really wanted a daughter, but got all boys. I remember hearing that and screaming internally "I'm right here, if you'll just let me!" And at the time not even thinking or knowing that transitioning was an option.
- Being raised in a bi-traditional, yet devoted (Christian and Nordic Traditional) household, going to bed and praying to both Jesus and Odin to have me wake up as a girl, and being so so depressed when I woke up and I was still a little boy. My mother wanted to name me Michael, I wanted to be Michelle, and I ended up being Sven.
- My father always saying "Do the best with the cards you've been dealt." backfiring from a motivational phrase to the depressing acceptance that I will always be male, even following into adulthood and middle aged. Jealousy at the women I surrounded myself with, who were oh so beautiful, and charming. The shaming of my male peers at having "hot" female friends because I was 'friendzoned', but I didn't care. I got to live vicariously through them.
- Abusing this body I have with drugs, alcohol, neglect and disuse because frankly, I didn't want it. It wasn't who I was. Settling into a life with a wife and job, and resigning myself to this being my life and "doing the best with the cards I've been dealt."
- Now, at 46, kicking myself for not taking action sooner, taking better care of my body, being honest with my wife of 16 years (Happy Anniversary to me!), and using that as a barrier to transition and "doing the best with the cards I was dealt"
So is that grieving the little girl who I was? Thinking about that is really depressing. I've wasted about/more than half of my life lying to myself, lying to others, and lying to the world about who I am. Thinking about it just fills me with regret, pain, shame, and loathing.
Trying to find my way through this, and taking what is important to me. My grandfather always called me his little Loki. It is for this reason that I chose my name to be Sigyn, wife of Loki. I honor my grandfather by this. I hope that whatever crumbled foundation my life has been to this point will become the statue of gold that will shine forever.
I don't know what 'grieving' really is, I guess. My life has been pain, suffering, and living a lie. I never got to see little Sigyn, or how she would become. I would like to think she would be strong, like my mother before she got sick, and that I would have joined them in their ways.
the tl;dr version: I don't grieve, I don't know how. I regret, which does nobody any good I guess.
This reminds me of how I feel about my younger self. In my case, it's age 10, and I don't think of that younger self as a boy or a girl. I just know that that younger me was painfully aware that no one knew or cared how worthless I felt because I couldn't be the boy that everyone expected me to be and because my inner nature was everything that people despised in boys and nothing that people valued. Being me was a constant source of pain and I just wanted to die.
Eventually, it seemed like the 10-year-old did die, but that "dead kid" stayed on in what was left of my soul. As an adult, I (what was left of me, that is) started seeing therapists, but it always seemed like they wanted me to bury that dead kid, and I somehow always wanted to protect him/her. Maybe I thought that she wasn't really dead but just in suspended animation, like Sleeping Beauty, and that what she needed was not to be buried but to be loved and cared about until, somehow by accident, someone would hug her or kiss her in just the right way and she'd come back to life.
I've even been writing a story about him/her. A story which says, "you didn't die, you came close, but then someone who cared made sure you got sent to a place where you could be you, and people wanted you to be you, whoever and whatever that was." It's funny, even though at the time I didn't think of myself as a girl and don't really even today, still, however I try to continue the story, I end up dressing as and having people treat me as a girl.
I love this post. It brings me back. It is just so true.
Thank you
This topic is so beautiful. I've been trying to process how I feel about losing my girlhood, about how it makes me feel. Grief is the only way to describe it, and I couldn't have arrived at the emotion without this topic. I really do love this place.
I have been thinking a little more about this and I wonder if having guilt about it is doing ourselves an injustice. If the little girl is still alive in you then you can take a pat on the back for protecting her so that one day she does get her chance.
If it's not guilt we should feel?? maybe we should be proud to have protected her as best you could in a very hostile environment?? I think if you are here now questioning etc then that little girl is still there with you.
The little girl still lives in me, but she is often hiding. She never really learned to socialize, perhaps in part because she missed out on the childhood experiences of other little girls. She still tends to isolate, afraid she will say or do the wrong thing, draw attention to herself and have other laugh at her ignorance. Unlike other girls, she missed the companionship, friendships, and experiences that come with spending time with other little girls. She missed having close friends that shared secrets and helped one another mature and explore their sexuality. She missed the wisdom and guidance of an older woman who might have assisted her in developing into a loving and caring young lady. She missed sleep overs and school dances and dressing up on special occasions. Yet, she is optimistic, comforted in the knowledge that she will meet new friends who will accept her as a sister. In time she will learn some of what other women her age already know, pass that knowledge along to others, and try to comfort other women who have sad and lonely little girls living in them.
Quote from: Sigyn on August 14, 2015, 06:05:14 AM
This topic has "stuck in my craw" since I first read it, and I really don't know how to react to it.
- Thinking about the times that my mother, who had no daughters, but married a man who had two already, grieved the fact that she really wanted a daughter, but got all boys. I remember hearing that and screaming internally "I'm right here, if you'll just let me!" And at the time not even thinking or knowing that transitioning was an option.
- Being raised in a bi-traditional, yet devoted (Christian and Nordic Traditional) household, going to bed and praying to both Jesus and Odin to have me wake up as a girl, and being so so depressed when I woke up and I was still a little boy. My mother wanted to name me Michael, I wanted to be Michelle, and I ended up being Sven.
- My father always saying "Do the best with the cards you've been dealt." backfiring from a motivational phrase to the depressing acceptance that I will always be male, even following into adulthood and middle aged. Jealousy at the women I surrounded myself with, who were oh so beautiful, and charming. The shaming of my male peers at having "hot" female friends because I was 'friendzoned', but I didn't care. I got to live vicariously through them.
- Abusing this body I have with drugs, alcohol, neglect and disuse because frankly, I didn't want it. It wasn't who I was. Settling into a life with a wife and job, and resigning myself to this being my life and "doing the best with the cards I've been dealt."
- Now, at 46, kicking myself for not taking action sooner, taking better care of my body, being honest with my wife of 16 years (Happy Anniversary to me!), and using that as a barrier to transition and "doing the best with the cards I was dealt"
So is that grieving the little girl who I was? Thinking about that is really depressing. I've wasted about/more than half of my life lying to myself, lying to others, and lying to the world about who I am. Thinking about it just fills me with regret, pain, shame, and loathing.
Trying to find my way through this, and taking what is important to me. My grandfather always called me his little Loki. It is for this reason that I chose my name to be Sigyn, wife of Loki. I honor my grandfather by this. I hope that whatever crumbled foundation my life has been to this point will become the statue of gold that will shine forever.
I don't know what 'grieving' really is, I guess. My life has been pain, suffering, and living a lie. I never got to see little Sigyn, or how she would become. I would like to think she would be strong, like my mother before she got sick, and that I would have joined them in their ways.
the tl;dr version: I don't grieve, I don't know how. I regret, which does nobody any good I guess.
Love your post, it really resonated with me. I have felt so many of these same experiences and it has been hard to stay positive about the future when i lack so much of the close support system. I remember so clearly the times i would go to bed praying that i would wakeup as a girl, but be so sad when it never happened. I wish i had known at that time that transition was possible, but i was too afraid to have everyone see me transition. It took a long time to put aside those fears and to start living for me, even if it caused pain to those around me.
Love the name btw, Nordic Lore is very cool!