Hey everybody, I'm Maia, 27 years old, MAAB, and unfortunately living in Arkansas. I've been out to friends and on facebook etc. for a while, talked to multiple therapists, and been out as "gay" since I was 15.
I'm afraid of transitioning because I'm 6ft tall and 275lbs, I'm awkward even as a male and I work in healthcare which means I touch strangers all the time and my life would be hell if they weren't comfortable with that. I'm out to some co-workers as trans, one supervisor as gay, and congenially quiet on the subject around the main boss, who is a fundamentalist but very professional.
Scrubs are unisex, fortunately! I've been aware of not wanting to be a boy or a man since I was about 6 (the first time I encountered gender segregation) and have known I want hormones and everything since I was a teenager. My parents are in a cult and threatened me with suicide when I came out as gay, but I have an *ok* relationship with them 12 after that happened.
I work in healthcare and make ok money but definitely want to move and am thinking about going back to school for social work. I also have Asperger's Syndrome and I think I want to work either with the lgbtq community, with autism spectrum disorders, or in hospice. I'm writing badly right now but my patients often comment in writing and face to face that I'm soothing, and I get people telling me *everything* (miscarriages, addictions, thoughts about death, like heavy stuff) at the drop of a hat because I apparently have "therapist" written on my forehead. That said, I'm thinking about becoming one Haha.
Has anyone had any experience starting HRT without having to come out? I don't care about passing for male, I just need people not to freak out, get me fired, or not let me do my job. If I could snap my fingers and transition instantaneously I'd be great but I don't want to be unemployed during the process...having an "invisible disability" like Asperger's means I have to be really picky about work or I go from excellent to useless really quickly. I can deal with highly technical medical equipment and heart failure patients all day long, but I nearly killed myself the last time I tried to work retail, and if you aren't drooling on yourself basically nobody understands what a developmental disorder means and interpret it as a character flaw rather than a disability...so yeah, transition *cannot* affect my job and I'm a little worried that could mean being misgendered until I retire -_-
I hate testosterone, I've been mad about puberty since it happened, and my hair is starting to thin on top and that is *so* not ok. There are more jobs for people with my credentials than there are people with my credentials so job hunting isn't too hard, but we're still a small field so timing is difficult and throwing in a trans-positive workplace makes it hard to move. I'm hoping to finish up my BSW and use grad school as a chance to get somewhere safe to be visibly trans. When I confessed to my therapist that I was afraid I'd get killed in the small Mississippi delta towns I work in, thinking she'd tell me that was unreasonable, she just nodded and said that was rational.
Has anybody been able to do HRT for years without showing? I'm willing to do a binder but ideally I'd avoid breasts long enough to get some mileage between me and the south...I just don't want to keep losing hair and gaining beard and I've heard HRT makes you more empathetic and less aggressive and so on and it just sounds amazing.
Im afraid I'll make a really ugly woman but at this point as long as I have a job I don't really care, and I'm honestly ok with being just sort of gender neutral if that's the best I can do. I've seen women look at me when we're alone in a parking lot or hallway and do the "walk faster in case he's a rapist" thing and it breaks my heart...im just tired of feeling like the gender I never wanted is scaring people. Even totally transphobic people have "accidentally" called me she when I was in male formal wear with a beard, and it happens even more often on the phone or in the drive through. I don't know. This post is total word vomit but I always overthink things when I write about this and end up saying nothing at all.
Hi everybody, thanks for being you, it makes it easier for those of us who can't be ourselves yet.
Hi,
Welcome! All great questions..
I started at 6'1 and 287. Started dieting and suggest that you do as well.
It is possible to be on HRT and be stealth. Not binding but loose fitting clothes and sports bras.
Depending on genetics, you may be stealth for several month to a life time. I would suggest temporarily.
Make a transition plam...where to go and when to get to the milestone. Start with a gender therapist.
Out of time now and I have to run.
Hugs
Jen
Hi Maia, welcome to Susan's. As Jen mentioned many start out on HRT without having come out to people yet, so it's extremely possible to do. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
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