I'm tired of existing. I'm not suicidal. Maybe just depressed. But I feel so sad because of how aware I am of my loneliness. I really should go to bed.
As much as I try to reach out to people is always such a waste and could be time used to do something more useful like working to earn a living.
People I always try to reach out to always let me down, it seems. I mean, just now I tried to use the chat here but people started ignoring me. Maybe its cause I do have lots of mental things goin' on at one time in my head, that I do not want to get into right now, that make me feel very paranoid and cynical about people in general and their real motives.
I don't know who to trust really. I hardly trust myself. I fear one day I might drop what I am doing and put myself in unspeakable danger just to make money or to get someone's approval of me so they can keep me company, or to get out of my crude living situation.
Yes, I do hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the world. I hate everything right now. I don't know why I was born and why I am still alive only to suffer.
I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully I won't wake up. Lol.
~Nixy~
Big hug! When life kicks you, kick it back! I'll see you after your nap. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
I'm in the same boat as you....
I hope you do wake up.
I just posted this an hour ago. Hopefully it'll help you too:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194000.msg1733399.html#msg1733399
Wow sounds like you need a break. Life can be very frustrating, but dont let it get you down. When you wake up go do something you enjoy. Try to have a good day then after your calmer re think things. Most answers are within our reach, sometimes you have to really stretch to find them. Good luck.
Quote from: King Phoenix on August 23, 2015, 09:32:57 AM
I'm tired of existing. I'm not suicidal. Maybe just depressed. But I feel so sad because of how aware I am of my loneliness. I really should go to bed.
As much as I try to reach out to people is always such a waste and could be time used to do something more useful like working to earn a living.
People I always try to reach out to always let me down, it seems. I mean, just now I tried to use the chat here but people started ignoring me. Maybe its cause I do have lots of mental things goin' on at one time in my head, that I do not want to get into right now, that make me feel very paranoid and cynical about people in general and their real motives.
I don't know who to trust really. I hardly trust myself. I fear one day I might drop what I am doing and put myself in unspeakable danger just to make money or to get someone's approval of me so they can keep me company, or to get out of my crude living situation.
Yes, I do hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the world. I hate everything right now. I don't know why I was born and why I am still alive only to suffer.
I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully I won't wake up. Lol.
~Nixy~
I give you a hint: your thoughts influence your reality. If you only think of the things you fear you are more likely to attract that.
Try to replace those thoughts with thoughts of what you would like to have.
Also if you slip. Replace unwanted thoughts with an image of what you'd like.
The universe works that way.
If you think of something you'd like, especially deeply in a relaxed state, you are more likely to encounter something that leads in this direction.
(use this only for positive things).
So if you dream of something you are more likely to encounter something that leads you in that direction... then encounter the next thing... then the next...
the result often is not exactly what you were looking for but the core of it.
Try it, it works. Often you have some kind of inner voice what would really make you happy. Just stick to that image then.
And avoid images that would drag you down.
And another hint, apart from working on mental images and what you'd like:
praying helps. Many people belive in angels... beings of light... etc...
hugs
Thanks ya'll for tryin' to help me feel better. But really this ain't no big deal, anyway. I bet lots of people go thru worse than I do and are the ones who deserve sympathy. Not me. I must be a terrible person. Even when I did try out The Law of Attraction thingy that Laura mentioned in a comment, that just did not work for me long-term(one time it got me all the last generational game systems, then my pops kept them from me for a couple years, and after he finally gave them back to me they just ended up getting stolen....so yup, that's The Mighty Law of Attraction 'The Secret,' for ya ::)).
I would prefer to simply stick with forums, email, or any type of human interaction from a distance that gives some delay before the next response than an instant messaging thing, like a chat. Its never worked well for me. I am not great at thinking up of really good responses quickly and efficiently enough to type it all in before the conversation swiftly leads to another thing. Maybe I am just stupid, but I am not a huge talker. Its easier to really just listen and say nothing or even zone out, shutdown, even cut off my stimuli when being spoken to.
I am so scared of interacting with people cause I think I will offend them or they will reject me. I think now that is what happened even on this site where I thought in the chat I would feel at home. But...no. I guess people are people even if they are different from the majority.
I think I offended everyone in there when I agreed with someone that being a cook or chef or whatever is genderneutral(I think they meant genderfluid, I dunno). But I messed up after that(yeah, its always my fault according to my pops) and became very honest and blunt(which is my nature especially now that I am being more true to myself) and stated an opinion that I think upset everyone in there. I said that, however, there is still some stigma that cooking is a woman's job. Maybe its how I said it. But I assumed the word stigma would at least imply that the statement I made was not my own opinion but a misconstrued and/or over-exaggerated perception of gender roles towards cooking. Immediately some one blurted out, "Not true, king."(I went under the same username I have here). Now, lookin' in retrospect, I regret that I did not try to be more assertive. I thought about comments I would have liked to have made but did not cause I am just so ->-bleeped-<-in' stupid!
I would have said something like, "Just because a statement I made does not agree with how you feel, does not make it invalid. And I never even said this was true or a fact. I used the word "stigma" to hint that such a statement is a damn stereotype that I do not agree with. And you should have known that when I literally agreed with your former statement about cooks being genderneutral when I simply said, 'Indeed.'"
But I will never in my life have the time to type all of that out in a chat or even say it to someone in person, cause they don't ->-bleeped-<-in' listen to me. They always cut me off midsentence and then when I am finally able to speak again, I forgot what to say and its like I lost.
This one huge reason I don't like talkin' to people in person nor on instant messaging or chats. I can actually think of what I would like to say here, I feel far more relaxed and comfortable, I feel like people listen here and do not impulsively jump to conclusions, and what needs to be said is already said right then and there cause we get time to think about what to say. Plus I can go back and edit things. Instant stuff you can't. I really hate it. For some dumb a$$ reason, I actually had the audacity to believe that it would be different here in the chat....but no....just more moderated(which is good, trust me).
I'm done with chats(with multiple people especially) and instant messaging(unless its with someone I know extremely well like my brutha or its for therapy, in other words, its beneficial and helpful).
I guess I feel kinda sad cause I had my hopes up high and believed somethin' positive would come out of it. Its like even so, I attracted the opposite of that somehow. So no offense to your beliefs Laura, but for me, The Law of Attraction or Karma or what the ->-bleeped-<- ever you wanna name it doesn't make a lick of any real sense to me. Ok?
I like the forums here. But I'm stayin' off that chat. I thought they was bold as hell to just cut me out of their discussion like that. Even after I said I needed to sleep cause I been awake since 6pm last night until 10am this morning, they just dissed me like the last kid that has to get picked on a team for a ball game or some $hit like that. Everyday I feel more and more like a cynical misanthrope.
Honestly I feel so hurt by this. Because I thought this would be different and its not. Its like I have to still lie to people just so they won't get offended and stop talking to me.
The only way for me to be free I think, is to be alone, where I can always be me no matter what. The only creature in this world who seems to love me unconditionally(even after all the times I verbally and even a lil' physically took my anger out on her) is my pop's dog. Trust me, I feel like the biggest pile of $hit from doing those things, but I assure you it was a rarity. And I hate blaming others for my actions, but I was raised in a very abusive household. Understand? And I do believe that children who were/are abused are far more likely(not all of them though) to do the same to others, including pets. And I am very ashamed and guilt-ridden even more by it, because this dog will cuddle up with me and lick me and be happy when she sees me. She brings tears to my eyes even now because I think of her and say, "She is more like the true definition of a Christian than most people who claim to be one."
In other words, she never judges me, criticizes me, scoffs me, yells at me, shuns me, or anything that every person I have ever known has done to me.
I used to dream of becoming a jungle boy like Mogli from The Jungle Book and how great it would have been to be raised by wolves. I swear wolf packs have a better bond and unit than these dysfunctional a$$ families with people in 'em! I wish I could run away into the mountains, the jungle, the forests and live life very similar to what is presented in the Donkey Kong Country videogame series. I used to(and still do) wish I was Blanka from the Street Fighter videogame series. I now have inspiration from this very paragraph to write a fictional journal of my experience(s) as a feral child. Being lost in this false reality makes me feel more real than unsuccessfully attempting to be a part of my actual $hitty reality where I am constantly misgendered and referred to by my old at-birth name and hardly pass the way I would like partly because of that(I think the other part has to do with my current body and voice....basically anything physical, which is one reason I greatly desire T and SRS too!).
No wonder I love to write fantastical stories and play videogames often(even non-stop, 8 hours at a time every now and then). It takes me away from this wretched existence I was forced into. I bet even if I were granted wit' the masculine, male body of my dreams that I feel would match or closely line up with my primarily male, secondarily queer, often androgynous, in-between male and female self on the inside, I will continue to be depressed, anxious, suicidal, and might even still have low-selfesteem.
I want to go thru with my transition still, cause I know in my heart things will still be hard but not bad. I hope so......
Cause where I'm at now is a very dark place....a place I would not even want my worst enemies to be in.....a very hateful, damning, ugly, petrifying place of tearful, longing loneliness that pulls me in like a black hole in outer space....
And Laura, I sure wish those angels, beings of light, e.t.c. would take me far, far away to a better place instead of sitting there and permitting my eternal suffering on this trifflin' plane of existence I feel should never have occurred.....
If only I could really become a phoenix and fly far, far away like Jenny from Forest Gump always wanted(aside from the phoenix part).
But she was lucky and got her wish at the end.....maybe I will too..... :'(
Later guys....
~Nixy~
"I guess I feel kinda sad cause I had my hopes up high and believed somethin' positive would come out of it. Its like even so, I attracted the opposite of that somehow. So no offense to your beliefs Laura, but for me, The Law of Attraction or Karma or what the ->-bleeped-<- ever you wanna name it doesn't make a lick of any real sense to me. "
What interferes are doubts and fears. Just stick to what you know you want, without anger etc. Just be yourself.
The console is an example.
You had a fear to lose it and thats what happened.
Don't. Just trust, remain calm, and be confident.
The picture with the angels can help. Imagine them helping you, and trust all will be all right.
Then you can relax and feel safe, and that you will keep what you want.
Hm... I'd say you are a very empathic and intuitive being...
concerning society things have gone too far, I'd share some of your opinion...
but it won't stay this way... there are more and more people coming around...
I'd see it like the gay marriages... where there was a change pretty soon...
You can create your place where you feel good, and see it expand...
animals can be a wonderful source of unconditional love...
and nature in general...
just spend some time with the dog, it does you good...
and you might consider reading for example...
playing games kind of keeps you in a loop, where you are excited and agressive...
with books you can visit alternative worlds where you can get some ideas what you would like...
"And Laura, I sure wish those angels, beings of light, e.t.c. would take me far, far away to a better place instead "
They do. They take your heart to a place of serenity. Just take it in and relax and enjoy... and concentrate on peace and joy within...
This is where it all starts. This is the central place from where you can create.
Well in some of what you have written is anger etc...
just let it all go. Completely. Just be yourself.
Then you can create. Like thinking what you'd like. If you keep a picture of a good outcome its much more likely it will happen this way.
If you fall back into anger try to relax, and let anger go. Come to a peaceful place and act from there.
You will see people will react differently. Just say what you mean and want, without reproach or anger. Also in communication.
Don't get triggered. Just try to remain calm and relaxed.
hugs
Quote from: Laura_7 on August 23, 2015, 03:08:30 PM
"I guess I feel kinda sad cause I had my hopes up high and believed somethin' positive would come out of it. Its like even so, I attracted the opposite of that somehow. So no offense to your beliefs Laura, but for me, The Law of Attraction or Karma or what the ->-bleeped-<- ever you wanna name it doesn't make a lick of any real sense to me. "
What interferes are doubts and fears. Just stick to what you know you want, without anger etc. Just be yourself.
The console is an example.
You had a fear to lose it and thats what happened.
Don't. Just trust, remain calm, and be confident.
The picture with the angels can help. Imagine them helping you, and trust all will be all right.
Then you can relax and feel safe, and that you will keep what you want.
Hm... I'd say you are a very empathic and intuitive being...
concerning society things have gone too far, I'd share some of your opinion...
but it won't stay this way... there are more and more people coming around...
I'd see it like the gay marriages... where there was a change pretty soon...
You can create your place where you feel good, and see it expand...
animals can be a wonderful source of unconditional love...
and nature in general...
just spend some time with the dog, it does you good...
and you might consider reading for example...
playing games kind of keeps you in a loop, where you are excited and agressive...
with books you can visit alternative worlds where you can get some ideas what you would like...
"And Laura, I sure wish those angels, beings of light, e.t.c. would take me far, far away to a better place instead "
They do. They take your heart to a place of serenity. Just take it in and relax and enjoy... and concentrate on peace and joy within...
This is where it all starts. This is the central place from where you can create.
Well in some of what you have written is anger etc...
just let it all go. Completely. Just be yourself.
Then you can create. Like thinking what you'd like. If you keep a picture of a good outcome its much more likely it will happen this way.
If you fall back into anger try to relax, and let anger go. Come to a peaceful place and act from there.
You will see people will react differently. Just say what you mean and want, without reproach or anger. Also in communication.
Don't get triggered. Just try to remain calm and relaxed.
hugs
I think you have greater mental strength than I do. I appear this way to a great majority of people in real life where I have to go run errands or get dialysis done, because I look stoic, schizoidish even(if that could even be considered a real word).
I like what you said a lot. I generally favor positivity over negativity. Yet I keep bringing the latter into my life instead, the most.
I don't know about angels and all, but for me my belief in them doesn't seem to have done much good for me. I'm just bein' real with you, Laura. I'm glad this stuff works for you most times and anyone else it works for. But it don't for me. I'll get over this.
Honestly I love games and I attribute much of my imaginative abilities to them. I do not look at them the way most people do. I see them beyond just some useless pastime. Videogames were the ball and chain, so to speak, that held me and my bro together during our very traumatizing childhood. They kept us sane(even to this day we are so inseparable, although he is stationed in the navy, that my pops is quite jealous and/or envious of our closeness and relationship because my bro will not call him unless its usually about me or wants to get a hold of me but can't for some reason....I $hit you not). We literally were forbidden to ever go outside unless my pops was within range. He would always be at work when we came home from another pain in da a$$ day from school. But there would be occasions where he would leave his job to check on us and see if we were disobedient to this ruthless command.
One time he caught me greeting and casually speaking with a boy in my neighborhood I knew from my 4th or 5th grade class in elementary school. My pops smiled at the boy, but he was infuriated with me, glaring as if I broke all ten of The Commandments from The Bible. He grabbed me and forced me home where he beat me nonsensically with a very thick belt. I suffered such traumatic abuse, I think many people may wonder why I decided to return to him. Cause of income...really...and I actually have a bit more freedom here than I ever did a few years ago living with a sister whom I do pretend is as good as dead...
I just kinda wish my life could come to a peaceful, painless end. But there's this annoying part of me that does not want it to end, that wants to love someone romantically and be loved, that wants to transition, that wants to make good friends, just live a normal ->-bleeped-<-in' life! But it ain't gonna happen the way I want cause nothin' ever has before, you know?
Still, I really appreciate you guys and hope you are all doing better than me. I don't want anyone hurt like me.....When I see people on YouTube in situations akin to mine(or even worse) I weep silently for their broken hearts, let-downs, and pain. It sickens me how people who consider themselves to be 'normal' poke fun or criticize these poor souls as if they were anything but human. Absolutely sickening. I want no part of it because I would only be talking about myself in the end. Most humans do make me sick....maybe this is God's answer to my purpose in life; to live a lonely existence not even worthy of being called a "life."
Thanks again Laura. Peace and love to you all....
~Nixy~
Read through parts of it that helped you again, maybe you want to copy them and read them later again.
"I don't know about angels and all, but for me my belief in them doesn't seem to have done much good for me. I'm just bein' real with you, Laura. I'm glad this stuff works for you most times and anyone else it works for. But it don't for me. I'll get over this."
The point is to come to a place where you feel safe. If its beings of light, angels, whoever... trust some loving entity is there... just try to relax and feel it... like you fel it when you are with the dog...
then fear etc falls away from you...
you might even imagine them helping you...
as said concerning your dad...
you might tell them its better for all if they are agreeable...
and they should behave as if others are around, and keep negative emotions to themselves...
and you might try to let all negative emotions concerning them go... just let it go...
and concentrate on what you want, and do it step by step... there will be opportunities...
big *hugs*
Seriously, tho, Laura. This might sound fake as hell in light of everything I just said to you but...
Thanks, your posts always help but do not change my eternal yelp of pain and disdain.
I'm sorry for bein' a huge bump on the log. I feel even more disgusting than a mudslingin' hog.
There is almost nothing left for me, no, of me. Even if I could really be who I wanna be, I could never be free from the sneers, jeers, and conniving leers used to bring me to tears.
I suppose it is what it is....Life really is like a box of chocolate; taste so good make you wanna take a whiz but too much of it can be bad, make you feel useless and had.
I wanna rise as Phoenix and fly far, far away and live(or die, when its my time) happily ever after....
Peace, guys. Peace Laura.
~Nixy~
Look... this is all a lot...
it might take time to get used to it....
but you will...
try to read the thread through, collect parts of it you like...
and come back to the place with the dog... feel the love...
this will expand...
what you want is a fast solution...
what is written here is a slower solution but it will work...
just do it regularly...
and concerning your self value:
there is always the comparison with a bill.
Some teachers take out a bill and show it to people.
Then they ask their value. Well its what it is.
Then they throw the bill on the floor. Imagine someone trampling over it.
Now if the bill is lifted and show other people, ragged, what is its value ?
Exactly as before !
Everyone consented with that.
This is the same with people.
People have intrinsic value, no matter their looks or whatever.
Everyone has intrinsic value.
Their talents might be different but they have an intrinsic value.
Remember that.
have a *hug*
I want to take up your advice. Its much harder when my pops is here. Plus I have so much that must get done as far as chores. My clothes have been sittin' in the washer for a few hours. I hope they did not mildew. But I guess they would now because I am thinking about it to begin with. Which I can't help cause I am only a miniscule human. In reality on a scale of 1-10, I would be the only person ever to be -10(negative ten).
I feel so worthless. I need to step away from here for a while. Its so funny how being trans has a combination of bitterness and sweetness to me. Right now, I think focusin' on this stuff right now is triggering very unwanted thoughts and feelings. I gotta go take care of the stuff I mentioned earlier with the clothes. The bathroom needs to be clean. Dinner must be made. Exercise still needs to be done. I just wanna do anything that has nothing to do with ->-bleeped-<- and/or work for a while....maybe a couple a days or so. And just focus on my poetry, videogames, music, watchin' movies, journalin' chillaxin' and $hit. Basically I will do anything(that is healthy and won't cause long-term damage to me in anyway I hope) to pull me outside of myself and focus on other things.
Like I said, Laura, I understand your advice. Your suggestions are always heartfelt and remarkable to read. I enjoy them..alot!^^ But I need to step outta here for a while and be alone again.....even here I am starting to feel so overwhelmed by being so socially stimulated beyond what I am typically used to in real life; which is more or less nonexistent. I $hit you guys not!
Peace and good night you guys.....gonna be away for a couple days, I guess. Not like I made so much of a difference that anyone would miss me or at least even care anyway. So why I am even sharin' that information is beyond even me.....
Bye.
~Nixy~
Feel yourself hugged...
give the dog a hug from me...
and it will give you one back probably :)
and try to relax...
Laura gives good advice. The first thing you've gotta do to break out of this funk that you're in is alter your way of thinking. If you focus on the negative, you are only going to see the negative. It seems like it may already be getting that way for you. Don't get caught up on bad thoughts. Don't let your dad or people online get to you.
Focus on the parts of your life that you do have the power to change, and make those changes. It's all inertia from there, man. Once you get the ball rolling, it picks up speed and doesn't stop until it comes across an equal or more powerful opposing force. Get yourself mentally to the point where there is nothing that's going to slow you down, and especially nothing that will stop you.
A tip that frequently comes up around here, usually when people are struggling with coming out, is to stop caring what other people think about you, your choices, your opinions, etc. Obviously it's easier said than done, but it is doable. I'm sorry about the experience you had in chat earlier. I've personally never gone there, so I don't know what it's like. If someone shuts you down just for having a difference of opinion, they probably are not worth your time. I disagree with a great many things that are posted here everyday. Sometimes its worth expressing disagreement, sometimes it makes the most sense to close that window and ignore a thread.
Early transition, especially combined with other trying life circumstances, is often overwhelming. It's probably even harder to log onto a place like this and read accounts from people who are having easier transitions than you are. It's totally okay to take a break, take care of yourself, and come back.