My brother came over for coffee tonight and we had a rather lively and humorous chat where I spelled out to him exactly where "my changes" were leading which lead to a very good conversation about my parents who are 70 and 75 respectively. Anyway neither of us reached a solid conclusion but we both think in the long run it would be better for me to tell them, than for them to notice "something different" and start asking questions of my brother. that I am out too thereby placing some of the burden on him...out of the question as far as I am concerned I will tell them because I think they deserve to know from me.
My wife was working and when she got home the discussion got round to the visit I had from my brother and the conversation about my parents. We started discussing this and she couldn't see " Why I would bother as this is a part time thing and may likely not even be that"...so alarm bells go off in my head saying hang on I have explained this to you and thought I had made it clear but I had not...or so I thought.. So I started asking her where she thought these changes I was making would all end up...she became a bit sheepish and very reluctant to answer until I told to forget my feeling and say what was on her mind...she basically told me that if I wear a few earing and shave and maybe do my nails she was hoping that might be enough...I asked her if she remembered me explaining that it was more than the dressing. She said she did but really felt she was denying it...so from there things started to drop into place for her I think because I started again and explained it differently this time she began to see that she needed to prepare herself for the real possibility that if she remains with me then she will most likely be spending it with a transwoman. Her response was saying it would feel weird but she is not repulsed by the idea and said "I guess it would be just two women sharing their lives together" I told her I thought that was a very real likelihood and she said to me it didn't change anything she wasn't going anywhere...and that she still loved me. She then asked me something I think she has been trying to get the courage to ask..."Did I want SRS" I told her that at this stage I was not thinking like that however I would like to get on HRT and see how that made me feel. I want to get to the point where the changes I make will balance out the dysphoria so I can get on with my life. I made need to have SRS for this to happen and if that is the case then that it what I will do.
This conversation went on for quite some time and we talked about stuff that she has never felt comfortable asking about...she did at one point do an aside to the conversation when the phone went from our daughter to arrange dinner and she when she hung up she told me what she was wearing out for dinner tomorrow night. She then looked at me and said "Do you wish you could be wearing something nice instead of just me" I told her yes that is exactly what was going on I'm my head, while she was saying that...I explained to her that I was already at dinner in my favourite outfit having a ball in my head but the male side of me is having a spaz over thinking like that in the first place...I told her it was a really great example of one of the ways I experience my Dysphoria...and I actually think at that moment in time she finally understood how part of the Dysphoria worked.
I am going to integrate my female and male clothes into one wardrobe and draws just to make things a bit more visible for my wife and also for purely practical reasons. She was fine with this change but has asked that I make changes slowly which I think is only fair. There was so much more said but I am really tired so just have to get some sleep.
She has come a long way in her thinking and has done it on her own. She is one incredible gal.
Sarah T
How good of you all for working through some complex and difficult conversations while valuing each other.
You rock girl!
That's awesome!
SarahT
That's great how you listened to what she was saying, then gave her a chance, then got specific. Great communications skills.
She is pretty great. I think my SO and I are in a pretty similar place from a discussion about 1.5 months ago. We keep checking in. I think I feel like I need to move a little faster at this point but she has been supportive as well.
Good luck. Keep up the great communications. You are an inspiration.
With warmth,
Joanna
Seriously you should give classes - If you had just done that in one of our clinical skills examinations you would have aced the scenario - that is such a brilliant textbook example of great communication skills that I'm bowled over by it!
I think I have spent so much of my life in denial or lying about how I really feel and think that I am fed up with it. I made a decision a couple of months ago along with a promise to my self...no more lies whether they be direct or lies my omission. I think my wife can see that I am genuinely conflicted but being honest with her about it.
One of the things that I thought about last night was why having discussed all this stuff do we need to do it again. I think the answer lies in the subject material itself. To be told you husband of 28 years and best friend for 30 years is Transsexual can be a little on the off putting side. She was having such difficulty with it that she most likely doesn't remember much of the rest of the conversation. Its the old thing about we have known it all our lives but generally it is new to our spouses. When I think about it in those terms it is easy to see why going over this stuff a couple of times is worthwhile...The amount of information that I have fed her in the last 2 months is huge. So I have asked to ask me again anything she is unsure of and If I can answer I will.
The last part of this is that she understands that in order for me to find where I am comfortable then I need to dress and allow myself time to explore and this need to be done more often until I reach a point where either there are no more changes to be made or I have reached a point where I can function comfortably without the Dysphoria ruling my life.
And while we are being Honest. I want this, I always have, I think if I dig a bit harder I will find that my Body Dysphoria is actually quite a bit more serious than I will admit to myself. The conviction that I am a girl and one day this nightmare will come to an end, has never left me.
Sarah T
Hi Sarah T. Congratulations. It is wonderful that you and your wife can work things out. It is really great that she is trying to understand what you are going through and loves you for who you are. It is also great that you understand how difficult this can be on her and you are willing to take things slow so your wife has a chance to keep up with you.
Jayne
I will add my congratulations to those of others. Perhaps it is that I have been married longer (>30 years) that makes it so tough on my wife. We have been through lots in this marriage, but I am not seeing it surviving this. My transition has been an extended one, always hoping that I would have the same experience that you just posted about. What a great relief if must be to have support from your signficant other. I will say this though, since I have been on HRT, I have been less anatagonistic in general and gentler about this subject in specific with family. I just think differently than I did. However, I think that my family believes I have "just gone through a phase" with the lack of forcing the issue. At some point, bidden or unbidden, I will have to have the conversation that you did...again. I pray that the road will be gentler, but I prepare for the worst. I am a woman, and that's just what we do.
Dear Sara:
It takes time but you and your wife are getting there; that's so wonderful - congratulations.
Love to you and yours,
R
Quote from: Sheila Grace on September 01, 2015, 10:22:13 AM
I will add my congratulations to those of others. Perhaps it is that I have been married longer (>30 years) that makes it so tough on my wife. We have been through lots in this marriage, but I am not seeing it surviving this. My transition has been an extended one, always hoping that I would have the same experience that you just posted about. What a great relief if must be to have support from your signficant other. I will say this though, since I have been on HRT, I have been less anatagonistic in general and gentler about this subject in specific with family. I just think differently than I did. However, I think that my family believes I have "just gone through a phase" with the lack of forcing the issue. At some point, bidden or unbidden, I will have to have the conversation that you did...again. I pray that the road will be gentler, but I prepare for the worst. I am a woman, and that's just what we do.
Hi Shelia
My wife and I have been together for 30 years and in this time we have had "more than our fair share" of life's troubles. One of the real reasons her and I are together is because we are friends first and foremost. We trust each other implicitly and have always strived to be honest with each other. My wife knew 2 years before she married me that I cross dressed so she made the choice to marry me knowing this. I don't see this as giving me the right to just discard her feelings in the matter because "she knew"! When I discovered the truth that I was not a crossdresser I had to "come out" to her all over again. She understands that this is evolving, she is not the same person I married and neither am the same person she married, we grow we change we evolve.
Sheila did your wife know before you were married? if not that could be part of the Angst she is feeling. The only way my wife and I have arrived at this point is via communication. I have also made it very clear I will be patient and take my time with her. My urge is not to wait at all but to jump straight in. However if I am going to bring her along with me she has to trust me at my word. So I made a compromise with her because in all of this she still does not like to see me dressed. I told her I would not dress in from of her nor make any significant changes without first getting therapy. I think it is a fair compromise and yes it does slow things down but life is full of compromises and in the big scheme this is not a big issue to wait another week or two before I start making more changes
I am progressing like this, Coming out to family, Starting Therapy, growing hair, losing weight, establishing new routines. By the time next August comes round I should be able to present to the Psychiatrist in such a manner that writing me the HRT letter will be a formality. I really hope to have most of my ducks in a row. Once I have the HRT I can start to plan for a full time transition. If I take my time and am gentle I still expect to see my wife along for the ride however if I start becoming overbearing, impatient, critical or demanding then I doubt she will hang around. I think once she sees the benefits to me and the happier person she is living with will make it better for her.
I really hope you can see your way clear...30 years is affair amount of time to invest in a relationship.
Good Luck
Sarah T
Quote from: Qrachel on September 01, 2015, 10:55:21 PM
Dear Sara:
It takes time but you and your wife are getting there; that's so wonderful - congratulations.
Love to you and yours,
R
Thankyou yes it does take time and patience...something I need to be mindful of.
Im so happy for you sarah.. She does sound amazing.. It is hard for people outside our circle to understand and she seems to be trying so hard.. Bless you both xx
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