I've known that I was trans since I was a kid. I started to get really bad dysphoria around the age of 14, to the point where i started to get suicidal thoughts. before that, i never had a suicidal thought in my life. My dysphoria has gotten worse since then and I still have suicidal thoughts. My dysphoria has gotten so bad that I feel dissociated a lot of the time. My family is super close minded, they can't even handle the thought of me getting tattoos.. let alone me transitioning. I have a very close bond with my dad; I know that I need to transition but I want to make him happy.. everyday he mentions the fact that i'm "his only daughter" and that i'm his "only girl" and all of that; I just don't know what to do.. I'm lost. I'd rather live miserably or die than to make my dad/family unhappy. I feel like those are the easiest options in order for me to please everyone else and that's all I wanna do.. But deep down I know that everyday is a struggle and that I won't be able to live like this much longer.. can someone please give me advice? I can't drop this feeling that death would be the best choice; i'm not just saying that either to get pity; its exactly how I feel; I cant come out to my family...
First and fore most if your having suicidal thoughts right now then please call a hotline and get some help. One the more painful aspects of transitioning is losing friends and family. I know it can be nerve racking losing some of them along the way. It's not easy, painful and heart wrenching. Your dad may come around eventually. You need to let him know and share with him why you need to do this. Also, a therapist could help you communicate better with them and work on some ideas that may help. You need to let him know thought that what he is doing is hurting you. He isn't doing anyone a favor, including himself. Please call a hotline and prove live and show him that your life after transitioning is far better than the life you had before. Hugs
Mariah
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html
Hi Iamconfused,
Hang in there for just a bit longer...do you have a close friend you can talk too. I get what you mean about the idea that you would rather live miserably than destroy someone else life? Suicide would be the easiest option...but for who? Not your family, not even you I suspect. Feeling the way you do with no light at the end of the tunnel must be very hard for you.
I have been where you are now and I chose to bury and deny...it came at great personal cost and nearly my life on several occasions. You need to find someone you can talk to as that will help keep things in perspective. While you may not be able to transition now you maybe able to sooner that you can imagine. If you want a change to your life then you need to make changes to "stuff" and other stuff will change and so on and so on. I was never ever going to transition...it was impossible...then I used the excuse I am to old...but at the end of the day my true self won over but it took a long time and you will have time.
Things won't always be this tough...can you do some things for yourself that will make you feel better without being too overt about it...Do what you can to make yourself feel better, reach out and talk, be kind to yourself...this situation and the way you are feeling is real and its tough...but you are not alone and we in this community do understand how it feels for you.
Hugs and take care
Sarah T
Oh please hang on, there are so many other better options to consider. Suicide may seem like an easy option for reducing our pain but it would definitely cause much more pain now and forever for the people who love you so.
Please consider that they can change and that they may need to know the real you to be able to love you just as you are.
They deserve the chance to surprise you with what may become a much better relationship over time. Of course this is a struggle but you enrich your own life and those around you by being your true self. Coming out need not be some grand announcement and you don't need all the answers right now. With time you will gain confidence and allies for the journey ahead.
You can slowly introduce the sensitive topics and even make subtle changes and they may gradually be aware that you are a deeper and more complex person who they can grow to know and love.
If you even get close to harming yourself get on the phone and call a hot line or a close friend. No close friends? We make them by being vulnerable about our truth. You can do this and you deserve the chance for a full life that may yet hold the promises of treasures untold. Please, this will pass!
Hugs. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Killing yourself is also going to make your dad and family very unhappy and break their hearts. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and in this case the problem is how do you be true to yourself. Your life is yours, not your father's or your family's. You deserve to be the person you know yourself to be, not the one everyone else expects you to be. Yes, it is highly unlikely that they will not agree, that they will be angry and will say all sorts of things to convince you otherwise, but if you are trans then you are trans. I don't know how old you are but I get the impression you are young and still living at home? Believe me, I've been there too. The only way I could start my transition in 1989 was to move out of home. I knew my family loved me but that they would never understand or accept me being trans. The closer I got to telling them the more distressed I became and eventually detransitioned and lived in fairly miserable denial instead. It took me another twenty years before I finally got there. I lived my life being afraid of telling them and of losing their love. I should have been a bit more focused on myself and my needs instead, my life would have been a lot happier. Yes, I did upset my folks and my father is struggling and still dealing with it. But at least we'll have a chance at sorting it out, something that would not have happened had I killed myself instead. Please have a chat with a counsellor.
I truly, deeply empathize with this post, and I wish I had some advice other than "hang on, man." You're not alone. We'll figure something out, somehow.
HOTLINE
Suicide, without doubt WILL hurt them, And if your not out, you dont know how they will react, truth be told, yes you can have a good idea, but somtimes people can surprise you.
But thier is a chance not matter how slim, that comming out will not hurt them as much.
I loved my family, and putting their happyness before my own was a mistake that led me to such horrible thoughts.
EDIT:
You say, you dad keeps saying your his only daughter, His little girl.
I was my fathers only son. And hearing this was painfull it hurt. So I can feels some of the emotional torment this gives you.
When I say my dad called me his only son, this was because he disowned my gay brother, in so much my dad no longer saw him as a man, a son. so all of those dreams, hopes and desires for a son all fell on my shoulders.
And with him disowning my gay brother, I felt that I too would be disowned.
Even though I knew for a fact, it was possible for my dad to disown a child. He did not disown me.
After I came out, my dad hurt. Yes but, not nearly as much as I though.
My dad, got back in touch with my brother. And now me, my dad and my brother have a much better bond.
No matter how dark things might seem, it might not be as bad as you fear. And I can almost say for a sure that there will be sombody here in a similer situation, to help you through it, no matter how bad things get.
As others have said, if you are feeling suicidal, please, please call. There is a trans suicide hotline available specifically for us.
http://www.translifeline.org/ (http://www.translifeline.org/)
US: (877) 565-8860
You are loved. You are better off in the world than out of it. Please hang in there!
-Sandy
You need to have help. A hotline, teacher, consoler, school nurse or some adult you can trust. I was once at the point where you were and I told my parents. They didn't accept me but they didn't throw me out. The good thing was that I started therapy and while the doctor didn't understand transsexualism, it was the start of a long road to treatment.
There is help available for you but you need to take the risk of coming out to somebody who can help you. Your parents may not understand your condition, but if you tell them you have deep depression and are thinking of suicide, they will have few options other than to find some form of therapy for you. You don't need to tell them about the transsexualism at first. You can wait until you have a therapist you are comfortable with before discussing that topic.
Should you decide you to discuss transsexualism with your parents, we can help you better prepare yourself for the discussion.
Above all, there is a long and happy life awaiting you so please get the help you need.
A lot of good advice here
First and foremost, please take the advice from previous posters. You should also know, that nearly all of us who go through this have suicidal feelings from time to time. It happens. This IS a big deal to US. But regardless of how your family reacts, you may feel totally different after your discussion. You CAN get through this.
My best to you.
Cindi
Austin, we're here for you. We all take care of each other, and we all have our ups and downs. Here are some strong words:
"i know how you feel. i think we've all been there at some point. if you ever need to talk to someone, i'm here. i'm not the best at dealing with this kind of stuff and i'm not the best at advice but i'll listen. you aren't alone as you think you are. hang in there buddy."
You know who said that? Click here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,146554.msg1203387.html#msg1203387) to find out.
We need you around, hon.
Hugs, Devlyn
I understand how you feel, the past two days I have been drinking to suppress my dysphoria and I have in the past attempted suicide but I agree with everyone who has commented, suicide would only hurt them more. I think you should seek some sort of help, a counselor, therapist, a friend..call the hotline. Please don't harm yourself, stay safe please you have so much to live for!
Dear I AM:
I can relate - I tried that route and due to a lack of thoroughness I didn't succeed. Having been there I can truly say that death is not the answer, even though it seemed such a compelling solution. The instant I committed I knew it was a huge mistake.
As suggested here call the hot line, a hospital emergency number, go to the emergency room, or a local hot line in your community. The point is, don't let the heaviness settle into you. We love you to much for that!
Also, keep talking to the members here. We know, relate and care. You can get past this but not alone.
Those closest to you would not want you to take your life. How things workout in the long run is unknown but today is real and tomorrow soon will be. Live in the moment. If loved ones are harsh, then you need to take steps to avoid any real risks to your well-being. Really, it's OK to do so.
Please stay in touch. You can get through this and eventually and have a life that you love. Just hang in there and know you have so many people you don't even know that love you for who are and who you aren't, being perfect just as you are.
Love,
Rachel
It sounds like you love your Dad very much and he loves you too. He is trying to make you feel special by saying you are his only girl. I have a daughter and we have a special bond. If she was diverse I would be there for her. Your situation may be different but think how your dad would feel if he lost you to suicide. See a therapist and find a way to discuss how you feel to your dad. Then it is up to him; you can not control him, only yourself. He may feel hurt or angry or he may be accepting. Whatever is said at the moment can change in time. You can not know until you do it.
Suicidal thoughts are because you are in pain. If you cut your arm very bad you would get help. You have dysphoria and you need help but you have to help yourself. Dysphoria will not cure itself. Suicide will destroy your parents. They will blame themselves and you never gave them a chance to accept you. Every holiday, every lost birthday and every time they see your picture they will relive your death and blame themselves.
I know a lot of happy trans-men. Sooner or later you need to choose your path and accept yourself.
Hi Iamconfused,
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Please don't harm yourself. It can be a helpful fantasy sometimes, but definitely not something to act on.. I've pondered this same idea for twenty some years, but could never stand the idea of hurting my parents. This might seem random, but, I eventually went looking to adopt a sweet old dog from the pound who might not have had good chances otherwise . My current guy is a big scary looking pitbull who's just an absolute sweetheart. Whenever I think about ending it all, my thoughts turn to my dog and what would happen to him. It's been very helpful for me (who rescued who?). Anyway, chin up Papillon, things WILL get better. Love, -M
im sorry but im not gonna give you the typical advice to hang on and call a hotline, i know i'll get flogged on the forums for saying so but i don't think that will help you it will just delay things for yourself and won't get you over your problem,
personally i don't think your problem is that others are not supporting you or that your family might not support you with your choice to come out as trans,
your not miserable because your transgender, your miserable because your now allowing yourself to start living your own life
you really only have two choices,
1) you can tell your family and chance being rejected from them even though most people these days are becoming more accepting of transgender family members regardless of their religion or beliefs or
2) you can realize that you don't want to be at someone Else's mercy and you need to get a career under your belt and some accepting friends in place that support you and your choice to transition,
after you become your own financial support structure you are the one that dictates who you allow into your new and fulfilling life, i became self sufficient and told my family that they accept me as transgender and support me or they don't deserve me in their life, don't allow your family members to guilt you into not transitioning, they can control their lives but they cant control yours. Its just like high school, when your going to school you think everyone there is your world and if your miserable there, then you will be always miserable but as soon as you graduate you realize high school was a joke and you laugh at yourself for caring so much about it since it barely matters now
don't let others make you feel bad about who you are, like my one guy friend says "tell em to get (insert expletive)"
Hi -
Just stopped by to say hello again. You are getting a great and varied set of comments. Stick with it.
Your dad is in crisis too. In time he may or may not see anything more than his own perceived loss and grief - that's his and not your responsibility. What he is going through is what he is creating for himself.
No one or family chooses being trans impacted, but life happens and that's part of the magic of being human - we can transform ourselves and see things anew with a life fulfilled. Not necessarily easy all the time or like someone else's but like yours.
I been thinking of you . . . take care,
R
Suicide, sweet suicide. I'll never face my problems again.
But you do.
I have lost friends on this site and in my personal life to suicide. They thought it would help them. It didn't; it cursed me.
I still hear J putting the gun into her mouth when she was on the phone with me.
She blew her head off.
Did it give her peace?
It didn't give me any. I hear her sobs, I hear her last words. I bear her pain.
Everyday.
Suicide is not an answer, it is a cowards way out - sorry if that is harsh - but it is.
It is passing your pain to your friends and family. That is a horrible thing to do.
We love you, accept you and want you in our lives.
How could you hurt us so much by rejecting our love?
In that final act you do not lose your pain, you pass it on to your friends.
That is a horrible thing to do.
Please stay with us and we can carry your pain together.
Cindy
Self sacrifice, the desire and ability, to put everyone's happiness before your own seems to be a fairly strong trend in the trans community. We place so little value on ourselves, our own happiness, that it's easy to give everything we are to making other people feel better. Even to the point where we contemplate death over hurting other people, we'd rather give up any chance at real happiness for ourselves than even contemplate giving other people pain or discomfort.
I think that this is wrong of us. It's hard to find value in yourself, to see that your own happiness is worth something, when you don't even know who you truly are. You need to discover that, to feel the joy and certainty of living authentically. I'm not sure of your situation, if you're financially independent or not, but there are always little ways of living as your true gender. Ways to get in touch with the parts of your personality that you've had to chain away. Once you start finding those parts, I think you'll be able to see that you are a valuable person, that you deserve to be happy.
I also have found that thinking others won't understand, that they'll be hurt to the point that they can't function, is also sometimes spurious. Yes, there are people that can't handle it, always... but people can surprise you. But you won't know who those people are until you tell them, until you give them a chance to react to who you are. Many of them will be happy to have the person you really are, instead of the illusion or nothing.
As the others have said, call the hotlines in times of crises and get in touch with a therapist. Gender dysphoria may be one small part of the puzzle you're dealing with, and having an ally can always help you get through.
Finally, to bring up the mantra of the LGBT community, it gets better.
You're not alone, a lot of us feel the same way at some point, but it gets better. Wouldn't most parents rather have a son who is alive, rather than a daughter who is deceased?
My advice is try not to judge or anticipate how your parents will react, and do what you must to be happy/survive mentally. One of my parents was someone I thought was closed minded, a strict Republican and ex-Marine. But when he found out I was trans, he was actually OK with it, and it shocked me (in a good way).
My aunt, who's a mom to me, posted on facebook about how trans people have something wrong with them in the head and need to be fixed. she stated that "what's in your pants determines who you are" and shared a pic of caitlyn jenner that stated that she was a man and is still a man.
My cousin also shared about how trans people are weird, that a "man" sat in the stall right next to her in the women's bathroom, and that she has no faith in humanity.
I seriously want to die.
Quote from: iamconfused on September 05, 2015, 01:07:45 PM
My aunt, who's a mom to me, posted on facebook about how trans people have something wrong with them in the head and need to be fixed. she stated that "what's in your pants determines who you are" and shared a pic of caitlyn jenner that stated that she was a man and is still a man.
My cousin also shared about how trans people are weird, that a "man" sat in the stall right next to her in the women's bathroom, and that she has no faith in humanity.
I seriously want to die.
No one can tell you what you should think or how to feel but I too would want to be far far away from attitudes like that. While it is easy to debunk that "biology is destiny" nonsense it may not change how hurt you feel to hear it in the first place. I have cis gender girl friends who get misgendered and your aunt is hopefully not looking over the stalls to see whats in those pants she thinks about.
I would respectfully suggest you consider limiting your exposure to people and ideas that are so hurtful. I know one who reads the hate mail about us and gets enraged and then depressed--not real helpful if stimulating. For a journey like this we need real support for our shared humanity. Reach out, stretch a little further and find that other hand waiting and needing a connection too.
Death isn't what you want. You want the pain and turmoil to stop and don't have a way to do it.
Regardless of what some experts say about people that talk about suicide won't do it, that isn't true. Thoughts like that should always be taken seriously.
Twenty six years ago, I was in a very similar situation. I was suicidal, had several attempts, and my father kept telling me I was "as pretty as Cheryl Teigs". His attempts at boosting my self esteem only humiliated me more. One day I just made the decision that I was going to tell my parents and depending on their response, I would either live or die. It was a horrible time in my life. I lived in my car for days on end. Tried to disappear etc.
When I did tell my parents, they accepted it. If anything, they finally knew what was wrong and how to help. I was lucky. Not all parents respond that way. For that reason, you need to get to a therapist ASAP. Please don't ignore your feelings. They are dangerous and you have a lot to give to the world.
One reason why your dysphoria might be so bad now is because you are going through puberty. Seeing the guys go through changes that you wish you were and shunned by the girls because you have no interest in make up or boys.
There are some sites on the web that suggest there is a genetic cause for ->-bleeped-<- and I wish I had kept the sites or written them down. Its not just that the fetus received the wrong hormone, or at least that isn't the entire cause. Look under medical abstracts to find your answers as they are coming from people who are doing research on the problem. Their take on it? surgery is what they recommend. If you can copy some of that down and present it to your parent's, it may help.
You are at a cross road. You need to weigh which is worse, living as you are and not telling your parents or telling them and taking the risk. You may be pleasantly surprised. My parents and grandparents are all conservative and I expected to be kicked out of the house. Instead, my parents and grandparents accepted the fact that I was a transgender. When I told my grandparents, it was through letters because they lived so far away. My grandfather, a quiet, strict but gentle retired Colonel who fought at the battle of the bulge, called the house crying. He didn't know what I was going through and wanted to make sure I was ok. Not at all what I expected.
At any rate, you need to get to a therapist now. If you have to use a suicide hotline, do so, but get yourself into treatment. We don't need to lose more transgenders. Its not your fault. Your brain and body just aren't on the same page. Its not a choice, its a condition that you didn't ask for and had no control over.
Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.
sam1234
what does anyone else's thoughts on something they don't want to understand and have know idea what it like to be like we are have anything to do with your own healing.
Please read Cindy's post again and again if you have to. The words she writes are the TRUTH . I know this from my own personal experiance. Any pain caused by your coming out as transgender to your family is only temporary. If they truly love you they will get over it at some point in time. The pain of parents and siblings that have to bury a child,brother or sister because of suicide never goes away EVER. I don't know but perhaps printing out your first post and giving it to your family is the first step. I can not fathom a parent given the choice of learning how to accept and love a child who is "different" or bury that same child would ever choose the later. Please seek out some help and best wishes that you have a very long and happy life.. It can get better.
Quote from: iamconfused on September 05, 2015, 01:07:45 PM
My aunt, who's a mom to me, posted on facebook about how trans people have something wrong with them in the head and need to be fixed. she stated that "what's in your pants determines who you are" and shared a pic of caitlyn jenner that stated that she was a man and is still a man.
My cousin also shared about how trans people are weird, that a "man" sat in the stall right next to her in the women's bathroom, and that she has no faith in humanity.
I seriously want to die.
My mother recently made a similar comment to ME about Ms. Jenner recently. She has no idea how that impacted me. The thing is, I made the change nearly 30 years ago. I'm thinking she assumes I'm her daughter now.... and hasn't changed her mind yet? I should have said something on the spot, but I wasn't thinking properly at the time.
Cindi
*
A month ago you wrote: I'd rather live miserably or die than to make my dad/family unhappy.
One month is not a lifetime, yet time has elapsed to reflect on the comments to your post.
'iamconfused', you must live your life for yourself, not for others. Only you can decide your life for yourself, not others
As Mariah replied, you will lose family and friends by your transition. You expect that family and friends will be there for you as you have been there for them. The pain comes when you realise that life does not work that way. People who reject you are only watching out for themselves; they have no concern for you other than what they can get from you. Those people, whether family or 'friend', are not worth keeping so not worth your effort pleasing.
I lost all family. ALL. Not one family member, immediate or extended, remains with me. Most rejected me outright, the last to abandon me was 15 years ago.
Not one friend who knew me 'before' remains with me today. Not one. Spending a lifetime cultivating relationships with 'friends' then losing them when I presented my true self to them actually proved their true selves to me. Deep hurt came first, then came relief knowing that I can move on to people who accept me. The only people in my current life are those I got to know since my post-transition post-op days.
I had various feelings and episodes of my share of pre- time suicide thoughts. I invariably came to the answer that I would only harm myself, that my family was worst among the worst, that family and 'friends' lack care or concern for my absence from their lives. The proof came by the fact they rejected me and live well without me; therefore, I came to my own realisation that living well without them is my own reward.
Youth is a curse when you have little life experience to know that there will be positive events in your future. Sometimes those events occur few and far between each other; secure a place in your memory for your well-endeared experiences.
Allow me to second what Ms Grace and Madison posted. I spent my lifetime growing up with feminine protesting to my parents and family; my intentions were not in dispute, only my timeline. I managed my first four years of transition in stealth while residing under my father's roof. It was complicated; I endured abuse when my father discovered suspicious evidence. I used those years to attend my first years of community college and create work experience. I fortuneately got a good job sufficient to move far from home making it difficult for people in my prior life to interfere as I began part-time transition and eventually advanced to post-op and full-time. I doubt I could have done any transition while living anywhere near 'home'.
You found support here at 'Susan's'. I am one among many here who have been where you are now, we found our selves and our strengths, we are proof that you can do it, too. I am here to help you.
*
The one thing that no one has mentioned is this thread:
You cannot expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself first.
And this is our trap. We are disgusted with ourselves in the beginning... whenever that happens. Many of us grow up knowing who we are and are in a constant state of self loathing. Somewhere, somehow, a change happens in us. We get it and do something. I have seen too many who could not get it. I've known too many who have taken their lives. I've seen too many sell themselves and get AIDS and die.
For those of you contemplating suicide, it may seem viable. But you aren't considering your own happiness. You should. You must. You have to find a way to live in your own skin. There are many self help meditation "tapes" on YouTube. Look them up. Use them. Purchase a couple you like. Put yourself in a mindset to listen. I've been through a very traumatic episode in my own life this past year and I play one every night to help put me in the mindset to go to sleep. They work for me. Perhaps they can work for you too.
Whether it is therapy, experimenting, "chatting" on the site, or whatever, find a place within yourself where you feel comfortable. Set a plan. Pretend to paste the next step on your forehead with a sticky note. Do whatever YOU need to do to learn to love yourself. Once you do this, any feelings of suicide will become only a passing thought. And soon, they may disappear completely.
Cindi
My old gyno had a sign on her wall, "Suicide: A permanent solution to a temporary problem."
I am very familiar with suicide ideation and suicide attempts. I stood on a bridge when my voice cracked at age 11.
I am 53 and had a lot of close calls. I realize now why I have suicide ideation and made attempts. I realize it is a cycle and it is when my inner self can no longer take hiding or not transitioning fully. I am on a medication that helps overall but not the deep dysphoric and self hate episodes. They are scary, impulsive and have unpredictable outcomes to end the pain.
The reason I share the above is that you may be suffering from something and it is coming out as suicidal ideation. Find out what is the cause and make progress to resolve the conflict.
I will share something else. You can live for others or live for yourself. Think hard about this. I will share one last thing. It is ok to be selfish about who you are; only you walk your path.
Don't write your parents off so quickly. Their reaction may surprise you, especially if you have seen a counselor. It doesn't surprise me that your dysphoria has gotten worse because as we go through puberty, there is more separation between genders. Up to the age of ten, there is some, but not as much and it doesn't effect your life as much.
My father used to say some of the things your Dad does. He used to tell me I was a pretty as Cheryl Teigs and it made me want to vomit. There were three kids in our family and I was the only "girl". My grandfather used to tell me I was his favorite granddaughter.
Both sets of grandparents were in the military, so both my parents were raised on military bases and my father was in the army. They thought gay people were sick, and though that is a different thing all together, it kind of shows you a mindset. By the time I came out to them, I had attempted suicide multiple times, never came out of my room except for school etc. I finally decided that I had to tell them or end it. They didn't flinch. For all their conservatism, they accepted what I told them and agreed to see a specialist who dealt with parents of transgender children. It was a two hour drive for them, but they did it anyway. I think they were relieved to finally know what was bothering me.
Your parents may or may not accept it, but you don't know unless you tell them. If its at all possible, see a counselor first so they can help you figure out a way to tell them as well as being backup if they don't take it well. You shouldn't have to live like you are. Believe me when I tell you that trying to commit suicide just causes more problems than it cures. You don't really want to be dead, you just want your pain to end and there is a big difference.
If its any help, I did it slowly. From my "girl" name, I changed it to an androgynous one that when shortened could be male. I slowly made my hair shorter and shorter. It wasn't until after I came out to my parents that I changed my name to a male name.
Don't give up on yourself. There are options these days that weren't there ten years ago. Personally I think you would do better getting some counseling before coming out, but that is an individual decision. You will have to anyway at some point when you transition. In the meantime, use this forum to help you get through some of the tough times. There are people from all walks of life with varying backgrounds as far as coming out and transitioning and its a good rescource for you.
sam1234
I would like to reiterate what's been said above you are not alone, I'm new to here and I can say that since I've admitted to my self who I truly am but I can't transition for a number of reasons that are to common to list, and like you I have also had moments were I have found myself in that dark place were you feel so trapped that anything would be a relief.
But I'm alway pulled back the knowledge that what ever pain you feel you may course by telling your loved ones the truth it would be nothing in comparison to the pain they would feel if you took your own life.
I know a lady who lost a child to suicide and it tuned out that he or more correctly she was trans gendered like us and she said to me that there wasn't a day goes by were she wises that she had to cope with the shock and surprise that she had a new daughter rather than the shock and hart ache of burying her son.
I beg of you please choose life.
As a member of the Baha'i Faith I believe that suicide is pointless. When we were in our mother's womb we were in another physical world developing our body so that we could live in this one. When we are born we die to the world of the womb and are born into this one. In this world, we are developing spiritually so that we can survive in the next spiritual world. Unfinished business in this world just becomes one more obstacle that we have to overcome in the next. The Unknowable God has an infinite number worlds to travel through on our journey toward God. On this world, we can determine our growth and in others we are at the mercy of God. There is no Hell there is only isolation from God. We have to find our way out of this feeling of isolation from God and continue on our journey toward the Unknowable God.
Because of these beliefs I feel that suicide is only creating more problems for myself. So for very selfish reasons, no matter how much this world gets me down, I carry on. It's kind of like trying to make your way through a Dakota blizzard. You rap yourself up the best you can in the warmest clothes. You put your head down and you walk toward the Light in order to survive. If you surrender and die in this world, you may just find yourself in a terrible storm in the next, struggling toward the Light.
Who knows you may also be dealing with many of the same individuals in the next world you dealt with in this one.
I still want to die. My dysphoria is getting worse and I feel detached from myself and also my surroundings constantly. It's getting in the way of everything regarding my life. I can't go to school and I can't drive because the detachment is so severe. I also am struggling to find and keep a job. I suffer from terrible and overwhelming anxiety when being out in public or when talking to others. My family knows that i'm not doing well and the people at work can tell that i'm not. But everyone seems scared or annoyed. I went camping with a friend and her family and felt severely detached/anxious.. so a lot of the time I stayed in the tent by myself which seemed to annoy others or freak them out. I felt terrible. I freak people out and annoy them with how bad my mental health is. Nobody understands me and no one tries to understand me. So what's the point
Are you in therapy? If you aren't, you need to get help a soon as possible. Any progress in your transition including therapy will help reduce the the depression. You need to make the move and we can't do it for you but there is help if you do the work.
I'm trying to find a friend who could drive me to therapy. i'm still on my dad's health insurance until i'm 26 so idk if he'll find out..
It's very likely your dad will find out but will not know what's being discussed in therapy. If the family knows you are having difficulty, you need to explain it's depression and you need therapy to help work it out. At this point, as long as you are honest with the therapist, even a non gender therapist might be able to help though a gender therapist would be better. Depending on your location and finances, you might consider a bus or cab if you are unable to drive but the depression will not get any better without help.
well i'm out of luck then. bc my dad is tired of taking me to therapy. he's taken me to multiple therapists and none of them helped. so looks like i'll continue to suffer then.
Hey Iam .....that's the part of your name I like so I'm going with that :)
Just read your thread and Dude! I'm so glad you stayed! Lot's of very smart and experienced people on this site. You already got a lot of very good advice but I think Dena's is most critical, please get therapist help. If you are in mortal danger, that need to be fixed first.
In my experience dysphoria does get worse as time goes on and the only fix is to become you. Here is a suggestion. Find something small, man jeans? Combat boots? Wallet in the back pocket? That will make you happy. You will feel better if you take a step toward being you and you don't have to upset your family.
I went through two therapist before I found the one that works. You have the advantage over me in that you know the type of therapist that will be able to work with you. One other question comes to mind and that is if you brought up your dysphoria with the other therapist, what did they say and do about it?
I have considered my own suicide, including very recently in another long thread you can find here from about 2 weeks ago. Talking with friends in a group like THIS one I feel can help you a lot.
I have now figured out that MY OWN HAPPINESS AND LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE which has sometimes caused me extreme depression and suicidal feelings and now I am doing mostly things in my life that make ME happy even if many people disagree with many aspects of how I lead my life. IT IS MY LIFE NOT THEIRS.
I still have to please SOME people such as clients in my work but that's okay for me. Now I am paying even a lot less attention to what others say as a whole. When it brings me happiness I do it, and when absolutely necessary for financial reasons. But others can often give good feedback to you but avoid letting people bully you as I have had some terrible problems with bullying against me.
It sounds to me like u have some economic dependence on yr father. This is tough because he hasn't found you trans friendly therapist and it sounds like he has given up trying to help u with this. Thing is, it is likely NOT sufficient to get just any therapist this approach has failed many of my trans friends early in their transition. No way.
Instead, it likely is better for you to find a way -- and maybe with public bus transportation -- to find a trans sympathetic therapist on your own -- but then after you find that therapist you might need to request some financial help from your dad to pay for it OR get it covered with you under his insurance policy.
Likely there is a decent chance his insurance co might pay for all or part of your therapy or at least once u get officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria. U would have to verify this of course.
As to feeling horrible by the way some of the people around you in real life, can you hook up with any real world in person trans support groups in your area ? ask anyone here publicly or privately and u can get some help on finding such help but then of course you would have to say at least the general area where u live. To protect yourself, I recommend not saying precisely where u live but just say the general region.
HUGZ and I hope you can get enough emotional support and able to get out on your own economically enough to escape from those people who are basically either bullying you or otherwise not supporting you emotionally.
Jennifer Lopezgomez