Honestly, I feel 90% hopeless, last week my mother and I had a conversation and she brought up the evils of the world "pedophiles murders what not" and she put that up in the same topic as transgender and Caitlyn Jenner. I thought she was more accepting than that, and she makes fun of gay people all the time....so same ol same ol.
I dont expect much from her... but Im looking at my life, and its going to waste. All the money thats required...
I dont even know how to start besides hormones... but I feel overwhelm, but numb about it like theres no hope.
I plan on going on hormones this year.. no doubt about it. But I see a ugly face in the mirror... its workable but still money. My voice sucks. My feet are too big. Thats about it. Oh, same proportions as Oprah or Kate Winslet... but still.
Honey,
When you are at the beginning it look so damn daunting. Everything is against you and it seems impossible to be who you are. But step by step. Stand tall, look the world in the eye and just say 'I am me, I am a woman and I shall overcome'.
It was IMPOSSIBLE for me to transition. Totally not on, physically, work. life, everything was against me.
Now? A few years later? I don't even know who he was.
I'm a very happy, very strong trans sexual female who walks her own path in life, as you shall.
Wild Flower, I see a lot of myself from 8 years ago in your post. I saw all the problems with transitioning and didn't focus on all the positives of what can be achieved. I ran away from facing them and instead of dealing with them to make transitioning not a successful proposition. I can totally understand that it came seem daunting when first starting out. There is no doubt that it is, but you will be surprised what the right things and hormones can do along with a good amount of therapy. Chin up and hang in there. It's a long ride and completely doable. Sorry about your mom. I can only hope she understands some day. Maybe you should tell her how you feel about what she said. Hugs
Mariah
Exactly what Cindy and Wild Flower said. it's very hard in the beginning. Looking in the mirror, not liking what you see. Concerned about your height, feet, facial features etc etc. I was constantly looking at the before and after thread before starting HRT to see if there will be any hope for me. But once you climb into that rollercoaster that is this journey we're all going through you just learn to accept yourself and who you want to be. Then, before you know it you don't even care about the size of your feet, width of your shoulders, nothing like that.
My mom was the same, always going on about how disgusting the drag queen scene is for her or men wearing female clothing. But when I came out to her and my dad, everything changed and they fully support me now. Sometimes people can surprise you. Just don't give up. It's a very uncertain and unclear road. The end is impossible to see, but don't give up, because you just might give up just when the finish line is around the corner.
Hi Wild Flower,
Every thing is possible in life.
It is your choice.
After a choice, follow your goal and what you feel in the deep of you.
And, please, look a little the all goal, but one step a day. And make it : one little step you can do every day ; i am sure you can do it this little step and sometimes a biggest. To get money, is one little step.
Live your life, live what makes you happy.
Rome does not built in one day.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin by a single step (Lao Tseu).
Take care of yourself a lot Wild Flower, you can do it.
Hannah
In my early 20's I twice gave up on my dream of being a woman in real life. At 6ft tall, balding fast, big everything, deeper then normal voice etc, like what chance did I have of hiding in the 1970's in a world filled with 5'4" 100lb women. Add to that growing up and living in a blue collar mostly eastern European blue collar city where men were men, and nothing else. Also add in being a big fat stuttering 4-eyed walking target most of my life. So, "Being Normal" was the far easier and safer route, it seemed.
Six years ago I finally realized it was not easier nor safer. My life once again in total ruins. So I took on the beast. Along the road of fixing my life I began transitioning. I saw a sad old man many looking back at me in the mirror man days. I sometimes still do. Little by little with each baby step I saw more of Joanne. In time the world saw her.
It does get better
Mountains only look big when you're standing at the bottom. Just take baby steps toward what you think will make you happy. It's not impossible. It might seem like it is at the moment but I promise you it's not. It gets much much much easier and much much much better.
Wild Flower, people say things sometimes out of ignorance and when they believe others feel the same way. Often they change what they say when they know either what they are saying is crap or when someone in their presence is not accepting of their bigotry. If they know the difference and know it hurts a person then they need to be distanced.
Transitioning is a process and you are at the outside looking in and having normal apprehension. One day at a time, one goal at a time, one new thing at a time and it will add up. Some day you may get compliments and when you do it feels so good. It may be about your hair or your cloths or losing weight or your appearance overall.
WF, I felt exactly the way you did.
It helped me to make a list of things I needed, and then put a time table to them. Once I did that, it didn't seem so bad - I realized I could do all the things I needed to do.
Don't worry about the ugly face in the mirror. Half the female population of the world does that. We're sort of socialized that way - to dislike our looks.
You don't need to be gorgeous to transition, and you don't need to be stunning to be a woman. Just be yourself. Your femininity will carry immeasurable beauty.
I felt that way because I lacked one very important thing, information. I didn't know how to fix my voice, I didn't have a clue how to get rid of the beard, I didn't know how to dress or put makeup on and most important I didn't know how to accept myself. It took 4 years and wasting $60 a week before I found a group that could provide me with all of the above. You have all the information here for free and you only need to ask for help. Pick out one thing and start working on it. If money is short, start with appearance or voice. If you have some money, get rid of the beard as that makes you feel so much better.
I give voice lessons at the bargain price of nothing. Post a picture on one of the image improvement threads and you will get help from others who know makeup and appearance. It really is simple but it will take a lot of work that only you can do.
Last but not least, the last person who will see you as female will be you. Others will see it much sooner so trust us when we tell you that you look good.