I just don't know what to do.
I don't have bottom dysphoria. (Well, I guess I don't really have ant dysphoria, for that matter.)
Where do I start? The idea of having a penis does not repel me, and in fact seems like it would make me feel like more of a man and more like myself.
Here's the really complicated part — I am heteroromantic homosexual. I have the strong desire to form monogamous relationships with girls and have distinct romantic emotions for them. However, I also only get aroused by the thought of being penetrated by a man and I only have sexual desires for men. I love the idea of using my vagina for sex with a male. But I also really want to penetrate my future female partner using a penis.
As a side note, I don't really experience any dysphoria. The biggest reason I believe firmly I am FTM is because I feel male. I see myself in the future with a male body and I have always been male in my dreams. The idea of getting body hair and a male chest and whatnot sounds like an amazing feeling, but is my lack of dysphoria indicative of something?
I feel very sad about all of this. I can't stand being aroused/masturbating anymore because it just depresses me more. I feel like I will never be able to sustain a lasting relationship with anybody. I feel like I won't be able to satisfy them, and I feel like they, whether male or female, will never bring me total fulfillment either because of my mixed orientations.
Even if nobody has any advice, I just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.
-N
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If you haven't seen this already, go to youtube and request "the transition channel". Dysphoria is different from each one of us. People might only have top or bottom. In my case I didn't have body dysphoria but instead had life dysphoria where I wanted to live the role of a female. In one way it's a good thing because my body didn't respond well to hormones so I still have a somewhat boyish figure.
Another factor is hormones don't change your sexual orientation but they do allow you to look at options you might not have considered before. Should you decide on hormone treatment, you may find your point of view changes as treatment progresses. You appear to be Bi already but Bi normally isn't 50/50 and hormones many shift the rations for you. As somebody who had far more T in there life than they ever wanted, I can tell you that becoming aroused with T in your system isn't much of a problem. This is something that should be explored in therapy as there are many more questions to be ask.