Sorry if this is an odd question, what is a committed relationship anyway. What does it mean for us. Do you want one. What does it mean?
Both men and women are welcome to reply.
I would love one but feel that I'd be unworthy of one. Because once everything gets done that I want done I still won't be attractive enough to be worthy of another's love. I don't want someone settling for second rate.
I dont see that being trans or having a trans history really makes any difference does it?
I suppose the dinosaurs that bang on about one man and one woman may get their knickers in a knot, but frankly I dont really care much, it's entirely their problem and loss if they can't figure it all out.
As far as I am concerned its the burning building test - if the building was on fire and your "partner" was in there, would you go back in to save them at possible cost of your own life? If the answer is yes then congratulations, I guess you have a committed relationship of sorts...
Oh and yes - I have had one postop that lasted 25 years before I was windowed... and I'm in the early stages of another, so I guess I value them and want one of them.
Quote from: Laurette Mohr on September 06, 2015, 06:13:02 AM
I would love one but feel that I'd be unworthy of one. Because once everything gets done that I want done I still won't be attractive enough to be worthy of another's love. I don't want someone settling for second rate.
No human being is second rate.
And don't compare. People are all different.
Someone has a great sense of humour... is caring... or wherever the strengths are...
Ever looked around and seen someone not very attractive together with someone very attractive ?
Well they have something to make up for... maybe they are nice... have a supportive personality (all within reason of course)...
"Trans*" makes a difference?????
IMO, a committed relationship is one you are willing to put the hard work into to keep "The Partnership" together. To keep your best friend, reality therapist, the person who sees aspects of you that you don't. The person whom you know you can count on. (Slightly dysfunctional alert) Most of all the person whose life and happiness counts as much, if not more, then your own.
Full disclosure, my wife, bff, soul mate, reality therapist, et al, of over 30 years is trans. No, to be is nothing but a woman though I know her life as well as if I grew up with her. However, about the same can be said for Wife #1 and Almost Wife#2. All 3 significant women in my life came with baggage and/or challenges. Like, I am no prize either made even less so when I dropped the T-Bomb 6 years ago.
All relationships take work by both parties to maintain as each of you grow as people, hopefully in the same general direction. Some, just should never have been to start with.
As humans we have an inherent need, on the whole, for partnering, soul mates, close friends and communications.
I don't believe regardless of who we are that we should believe we are isolated based on our identities, it is very clear that we "own" our own destinies, if we behave like wilting lilies we will become that.
I intend to be positive, sure and totally warm and friendly, as today, not everyone will reciprocate, some will; if a loving partnership occurs, then, as at any other time it would be based on mutual commitment!
Not sure if this is an answer to the question, but I would like to think it is?
Katy xxx
Being committed to one person and making that relationship work. Being trans can just make things a little more complicated.
Quote from: Laurette Mohr on September 06, 2015, 06:13:02 AM
I would love one but feel that I'd be unworthy of one. Because once everything gets done that I want done I still won't be attractive enough to be worthy of another's love. I don't want someone settling for second rate.
Everybody is beautiful. On the inside and out.. Everyone is worthy of happiness, love snd loyalty.. There are billions of people all over the world which makes it easier to find your partner. Or even knowing that there is always someone for you...
You could go to the shops tomorrow and bump into someone and lock eyes.. It could happen very easily for all of us. Any of us.
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Yeah, count me as another genuinely confused why transness matters... but I'm still married to the same person I was pre-transition and we've been together since we were teenagers, so maybe I'm missing the point somehow. :)
Personally, being trans (and being a minority under the trans umbrella) has made me stop taking my relationship with my fiancee for granted. I discovered I was trans two years into our relationship, and she has shown me nothing but the best understanding and support, something I haven't seen much of from significant others who were around before the coming out.
Transness shouldn't matter, and to us it probably doesn't, but if we are with people who are cis, it usually just takes a little more work and patience on our part. Or at least until the way that society sees trans people changes.
I wish I knew
I am perfectly fine being without a relationship right now, I came out of an abusive relationship three years ago but at least I got two healthy little boys out of it which live with their father right now till next year ( still haven't come out to their father yet kinda chicken to cause I fear he will take the boys from me) but right now I feel like I don't need a relationship..I just want to work on myself first.
I don't think that committment changes. But being trans and committed is complicated. I can't just make decisions based on what is right for me. That's only half the story. I have to also consider what is best for my wife when I make my decisions. And, if I do that, I hope that it also means that she'll stick by me.
I don't think I understand the question.
Not odd at all, Cindy. I guess it all depends on what your definition is, as commitment does seem to have several variations.
For example, if one is in an open relationship, the couple may be "committed" to each other but free to date and sleep with other people. I guess the disclaimer is "as long as we come home to each other."
Yet on the other hand, commitment to another couple may be a strict prima facia definition, where you are committed to each other with no room for anyone else. Then of course we have our non-interactive commitments, such as a commitment to school, work, weight loss program, or transitioning.
We, as transgender men and women, take our commitment seriously; we put our hearts, minds, souls, and of course our bodies into the mix. It is what makes us strong, it is what makes us who, and not what, we are. We're committed to ourselves first and foremost, then each other, and to our community.
Not a strange question at all, sweetie :-)
Quote from: Cindy on September 06, 2015, 05:23:23 AM
Sorry if this is an odd question, what is a committed relationship anyway. What does it mean for us. Do you want one. What does it mean?
Both men and women are welcome to reply.
I recognize you are not perfect, but I choose you anyway.
I recognize that I will meet others who seem more attractive/intelligent/suitable, but I choose you anyway.
By choosing you, I will do everything in my power to make our partnership work.
By choosing you, I trust that you will do everything in your power to make our partnership work.
I understand the trust you are putting in me. I will not violate it.
I will be there for you when I possibly can be, in whatever way I can.
I promise I will be your traveling companion on the road of life.
Relationships involve give and take from both and are just are just as important to all of us. Being trans doesn't preclude us from necessarily from needing or wanting to be in a relationship. I put a lot of effort in mine and trust has been an important thing for both of us along with being considerate of each others needs as we grow together. It's a commitment to each other regardless of problems and situations that arise. It's being understanding, considerate, caring, and loving towards each other. I totally agree with Suzi and how she responded too. All the responses have been good. Hugs
Mariah
Hi:
I'd love to answer and I want to take your question seriously. For me to do so I need some context because in matters of relationships context is everything.
TTFN,
R
Lovely responses to a difficult question.
The reason for the question: for some of us our sexual preference either change or becomes accepted, as we become - us.
I'm a married woman, married to a woman who I love. I'm attracted to men. I have a cisgender straight boyfriend.
How does your commitment change?
The thread is meant to be thought provoking!
Quote from: Cindy on September 07, 2015, 05:25:16 AM
Lovely responses to a difficult question.
The reason for the question: for some of us our sexual preference either change or becomes accepted, as we become - us.
I'm a married woman, married to a woman who I love. I'm attracted to men. I have a cisgender straight boyfriend.
How does your commitment change?
The thread is meant to be thought provoking!
I think that, trans or cis, gay or straight, there are only four ways to deal with committment: uphold it, modify it, terminate it, or violate it. I don't recommend the last one.
First, all commitments have the following processes that govern them: creation, maintenance, and change. This can be made more complex but not much simpler. Everything else about commitment is whether you honor it or not, and I'm not being moralistic with the concept of honor. To honor a commitment is to keep one's word to it and when that doesn't happen to have the integrity to deal and own the "what and why" of ones word not kept.
This typically leads into a swamp infested with prejudices and/or beliefs wrapped up in morality, truth, and right/wrong. This in turn accounts for much of humanity's fascination with religion, ethics, morals, culture, clans, clicks, etc. (I have no issue with any of these in general.) However, they do seem to be ever present when the worst poop in the world occurs. I'll leave that branch of the human social commons to those who find it productive to use as means of . . . whatever, while noting how often often it involves deciding how others ought to live their lives with only one concern: That 'they the deciders' approve or minimally tolerate those lives for which they have little concern for but to exercise their desire for control.
If you aren't totally po'd by now or otherwise disinterested, then my answer is that commitments are artifacts of agreements we have made explicitly and/or implicitly with others. To put it into simpler terms: Giving our word.
When it comes to our word, the matter is simple:
1) we can give it,
2) we can keep it,
3) we can honor it when we can't keep it by owning that are we unable to keep it and accepting the consequences both for the giver and the receiver, and
4) we can dishonor it by breaking it.
Further, the circumstances of ones word do not define ones word. Only the four areas noted matters as to how your word exists in the world, and any form of coercion applied to get, change, and/or break ones word invalidates that ones word has been given. It has not; it has been coerced.
Rachel
Quote from: Cindy on September 07, 2015, 05:25:16 AM
The reason for the question: for some of us our sexual preference either change or becomes accepted, as we become - us.
...
How does your commitment change?
Oh... A two part question.
As I slowly figure out who I am with the little free time I have for that, I can say that how I thought about my sexual preference has changed. Sex has never been a big driving factor in my life. Sure during my peak T years life was a bit different and even more confused. Initial reactions to beautiful women was always envy. Average women thoughts went to I wish I could wear _____. But there was always an arousal factor. During my early experiments with transitioning there was an utter lack of arousal towards men outside of my fantasies. Shame, guilt, internalized transphobia, feeling like "some guy in a dress", plenty of reasons.
After giving up on my dream, I opted for next best, dating trans-women. Being one myself I knew how much the desire just to be a normal woman was. I had the desire just to be a normal(ish) male. Win-Win. I had a couple of fairly serious relationships. If you count the utterly confused On/Off relationship with my wife, add in another three. The number of times I dropped out and came back into her life because she is such an amazing person.
Part of the breakup reason was her being such a free spirit, never wanting to be in a long term committed relationship. Especially in her pre-op days. While we were "An item" she had a thing with another guy going on too. So it was no surprise that after some 10 plus years of proposing marriage her acceptance came with a sort of pre-nup. Essentially the option for either of us to exercise the "Open Marriage" clause with it's strict rules of engagement. Mostly related to the age we now lived in of "Sex Kills" (I miss the good old days)
After dropping the T-Bomb we had talks. The old experienced hand at this had absolutely no doubt that in time my sexual desires will change. She still does feel this way. We've had some serious talks about the future and options. She is prescient. In time my sexual desires seem to have shifted from women, to asexual, to..... confused. Especially considering the dreams I have. Most times now I have no doubt I am the female lead (many/most they are third person). Many times I am me as a woman. Sometimes an out trans-woman (like I have an option???), or simply a woman. Not so simply a woman with a man in her life. Others even less simply a woman with a male lover in her life. So far, real life is mostly limited to "I wonder......" or "He is a good a looking guy I can see myself with him"
Does all this change our "commitment"? In the words of the wise old sage, "It's Complicated". Any wonder I drink too much? Dropping the T-Bomb alone sure changed things. Nevertheless, we both have the desire to maintain "The Us" and our mutually shared hopes, wishes, and dreams for the future. All made more complicated by her immediate health needs balanced against my growing/blossoming emotional needs. I haven't reached a breaking point, and she hasn't volunteered to leave the planet, but to work together to get the help she needs. Hopefully the status quo can be maintained as we get through this crises point.
Afterwards? At some point in the future when I'll be able to get back to living part-time at the very least as female. perhaps daring full time with health/financial needs taking top priority, the open-marriage clause may need to get exercised. I've heard countless times already how much she misses sex. How she likes what men have and rubber is no substitute. Between age and HRT odds of having the type of sex she desires is slim. Plus.... some lack of desire to today. How much less will it be in the future? And it's not the asexuality speaking either :o
One day at a time
Commitment is from the heart. No matter who or what you are. If your other is OK with different arrangements then it doesn't go against your commitment to them. Just my 2 cents worth, don't mean to offend anyone.
Quote from: Laurette Mohr on September 06, 2015, 06:13:02 AM
I would love one but feel that I'd be unworthy of one. Because once everything gets done that I want done I still won't be attractive enough to be worthy of another's love. I don't want someone settling for second rate.
Being worthy of love has nothing to do with one's appearance, and everything with how much love you are able to give.
Physical beauty passes far too quickly to be considered in any description of "love."
Imho
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