So, prior to starting hrt, I rarely became depressed. Maybe a mild bout once a year or so but nothing too bad. But since starting on hrt (spiro 4 months, estrogen 3 months) , my depression has come and gone regularly. Most recently, I've been going through the spectrum of "what's the point of it all." and the "Just want to give up on everything." kind of deal. My life isn't bad, other than work, nothing is keeping me from going full time if I wanted to, so I don't get it.
The depression and suicidal thoughts are daunting. I don't know if it's outside stress (school and work) mixed with the hormones or what but there are days that I just want to break down and cry but I can't. I have a therapist but I haven't set up the next appointment with her because I just don't have the motivation to do so. Is this normal? I don't know what to do.
It can happen for some people but it may also be separate from the HRT altogether. I strongly urge you to discuss these issues with a doctor, counsellor or therapist to find strategies for coping,
Set up a meeting with your therapist. Being depressed on Spiro is not normal but can happen. You need a good chat with a professional. If you are feeling suicidal call a help line straight away.
Post away here about your feelings Honey.
We listen
Take care Hon
Cindy
One thing about estrogen is that it does help you cry. If your feelings have been held in check for many years then it's not uncommon for them to come welling up when testosterone is suppressed and estrogen added to the mix. That in itself is not a bad thing but can be scary, if it is a chronic thing and making you think about self harm it is definitely not good. Transition is actually a very overwhelming process, there are a lot of fears and doubts that will surface once you are on HRT because taking the medication is a very strong signal that you are really about to do this. Even if you feel that transition is your only option the fears and doubts will surface.
I just re read your post. You have been on E for 3 months, depression is not uncommon at that time, your emotions change, as Grace said, and you are beginning to learn how to cope. It takes time.
Spiro and E reduce testosterone, if your T level falls too low that also leads to depression, females have T levels and it is important to use psychologically and emotionally. OK we have 10x less than men, but we have it, and we need it. If your T level has fallen too low you may feel depressed.
So go see your endo, see your therapist and you will be OK soon.
Quote from: Autumnleaf on September 07, 2015, 03:34:33 AM
So, prior to starting hrt, I rarely became depressed. Maybe a mild bout once a year or so but nothing too bad. But since starting on hrt (spiro 4 months, estrogen 3 months) , my depression has come and gone regularly. Most recently, I've been going through the spectrum of "what's the point of it all." and the "Just want to give up on everything." kind of deal. My life isn't bad, other than work, nothing is keeping me from going full time if I wanted to, so I don't get it.
I was really pretty content and confident going into full-time and then HRT. The first 3 months were blissful, full of warmth and happiness. But 4-5 months into hormones, I started to become pretty badly depressed. I'd never had suicidal thoughts before in my whole life, and suddenly they appeared, making a lot of sense. My confidence disappeared, and I rarely feel the warmth anymore when I'm bonding with my partner or family. It's been scary.
I was certainly prone to major recurring bouts with depression a few months into HRT. I think a lot has to do with how you begin thinking about yourself, your life ahead, where you were, what you may loose as the HRT really starts to hit your system. You know it is starting to do things. Fear, shame, and guilt start screaming Nooooooo.
Using diversions, distractions and denial makes it easy to maintain just a low level constant state of depression. Once you start examining your life, and taking steps to change it, all sorts of emotions and thoughts begin to boil over.
Quote from: mfox on September 07, 2015, 03:23:46 PM
Quote from: Autumnleaf on September 07, 2015, 03:34:33 AM
So, prior to starting hrt, I rarely became depressed. Maybe a mild bout once a year or so but nothing too bad. But since starting on hrt (spiro 4 months, estrogen 3 months) , my depression has come and gone regularly. Most recently, I've been going through the spectrum of "what's the point of it all." and the "Just want to give up on everything." kind of deal. My life isn't bad, other than work, nothing is keeping me from going full time if I wanted to, so I don't get it.
I was really pretty content and confident going into full-time and then HRT. The first 3 months were blissful, full of warmth and happiness. But 4-5 months into hormones, I started to become pretty badly depressed. I'd never had suicidal thoughts before in my whole life, and suddenly they appeared, making a lot of sense. My confidence disappeared, and I rarely feel the warmth anymore when I'm bonding with my partner or family. It's been scary.
What AA are you on? Crypto can make people depressed if you are on crypto and feeling depressed and suicidal see your endo
Quote from: Cindy on September 08, 2015, 02:54:06 AMQuote
I was really pretty content and confident going into full-time and then HRT. The first 3 months were blissful, full of warmth and happiness. But 4-5 months into hormones, I started to become pretty badly depressed. I'd never had suicidal thoughts before in my whole life, and suddenly they appeared, making a lot of sense. My confidence disappeared, and I rarely feel the warmth anymore when I'm bonding with my partner or family. It's been scary.
What AA are you on? Crypto can make people depressed if you are on crypto and feeling depressed and suicidal see your endo
The same goes for non bioidentical progesterone.
Quote from: Laura_7 on September 08, 2015, 03:44:32 AM
What AA are you on? Crypto can make people depressed if you are on crypto and feeling depressed and suicidal see your endo
The same goes for non bioidentical progesterone.
Okay thanks, I actually did change from Spiro to a GnRH agonist around the time the suicidal thoughts and depression got worse. I do cycle micronized progesterone, but it's supposed to be bioidentical (Prometrium?).. the first week on that is really bad, then gets better until I stop on day 10-12. I'm seeing my endo soon to see if there's anything he can recommend too.
Schedule an appointment with your doctor and discuss what is going on . You are dealing with a lot right now some medication changes or an antidepressant may help.
I was afraid of getting an antidepressant. I have added it and it is in the initial ramp up phase. I am hoping it helps me cope better. Although, suicide and attempts have been something I have been dealing with well before transition.
Hi;
I agree with everyone here . Some 30 years ago when I first transitioned, I was on a mix of Oestrogen and Progesterone (Oestrogen pills then injections all month) and Progesterone on a 9 day cycle at the end of each month. At that stage my doctor recommended then that it was important to mimic the female hormonal cycle. I found that the first few days prior to going onto my Progesterone cycle I was always down in the dumps and funnily enough living with my girlfriend Alison and then with my polyamory couple - Yvonne they both indicated that I was mimicking their monthly cycle, sort of TS PMS. After a few days on the combined dosage, the depression lifted. However I did find that by the end of the month my Progesterone and Oestrogen combination had become very cloying and that I felt very bloated with more volume in my breasts, and I really looked forward to getting back to my Oestrogen only cycle. This time around 30 years later (now only Oestrogen) I have had two such bouts of depression. The first was about 4 months into the Oestrogen only regime and then about 2 months ago (now 2.5 years on Oestrogen) where my doctors said that my T levels were very very low now and that I had become almost 100% (well lets say 95%) hormonally female. So they adjusted my dosage to a level where the depression lifted. So the message see your Endo!
I'm starting to wonder that myself! I started progesterone about 2 months ago and since then I've gone from emotionless and frustrated that I couldn't even cry while watching an old friend die to an emotional train wreck. Every 2-3 days I have an emotional breakdown. The other day I was sick of being cooped up in my room and hating how far I am from being complete that I went out to get pizza. Seeing all of the happy cis folks walking around with friends and SOs that I often feel like I'll never have set me off even worse. To spare some more upsetting thoughts, I'll skip to the end where I ended up crying in the back of a parking lot.
I'm actually scared because I just moved to go to my new school and spent my saved surgery money to get to a better place. It's starting to interfere with school and if let it bring my grades down I'm doomed. :-/
I think your story has an analogy to an experience I've had once, so I'll share it whatever comes of it in hope of helping.
I was on hrt for 8 months, and I had decided to stop it and return to my 'former' life. Now, I haven't felt depressed for a single day while on hrt, but gradually as I reverted to my old habits and modus it all came back flooding in. To say it was overwhelming would be an understatement. Now, the fact that there was some amount of estrogen in my blood (although I was on lowest possible dosage) may have aggravated the issue (I imagine it's multifold worse for you if you're on regular dose), but that's not the point. I was depressed like never in my life and it was the clearest sensation you could imagine. But, I didn't indulge for too long, but (by pure accident) took up my writing and, by slow degrees, it became easier. In some time, I have realised that I can function just as good as I've functioned before, in the 'former life'. I have realised that this depression was ever present there (in my pre hrt-life), it's just that I put a HELM on it and never minded it.
Now this is instrumental. If you aren't able to put reins on it and find a modus that you can function with, of course your emotions will roam free and who knows what will come to your mind. Just adapt to it; find a mindset that you can function with, and convert that negativity into your strength. That's all I can say, hope I did anything towards helping you.
Kind regards,
Vanya.
Quote from: Jean24 on September 08, 2015, 09:36:14 PM
I'm starting to wonder that myself! I started progesterone about 2 months ago and since then I've gone from emotionless and frustrated that I couldn't even cry while watching an old friend die to an emotional train wreck. Every 2-3 days I have an emotional breakdown. The other day I was sick of being cooped up in my room and hating how far I am from being complete that I went out to get pizza. Seeing all of the happy cis folks walking around with friends and SOs that I often feel like I'll never have set me off even worse. To spare some more upsetting thoughts, I'll skip to the end where I ended up crying in the back of a parking lot.
I'm actually scared because I just moved to go to my new school and spent my saved surgery money to get to a better place. It's starting to interfere with school and if let it bring my grades down I'm doomed. :-/
If you use estro orally/sublingual, you could split your daiy dose in a few small doses instead of two big ones... this way levels might be more steady.
hugs