I'm cold inside. Seems life has no answers.
Yet, Im different from everyone else. I think my problem roots that Im just a woman trapped in a male body.
I need a quick "escape", something to keep me motivated about this imprisonment. Im escaping to binge eating and "whoredom". I want a boyfriend so bad that Im turn to the second best thing; physical contact. I cannot seem to find a guy who wants to date me. I'm not even drinking, but I feel like a walking zombie, just no purpose. I know Im still disease free... protected (low chances), no french kissing.
At least, Im remotely desirable... but even that has an expiration date. Money, supportive friends will help take me to the other side... but I feel isolated like an alien in a video game trying to navigate in a world that goes by a different drum beat. I want a bubble where I can really start a new career path (that makes me happy and afford my life)... cut these ropes holding me back... my current job, my fears of aging, and social expectations.... Im very repress.And I know my repression has no logic, because life has no answer.
I dont know what is going on... but I want to start over. Forget how old I am. Just wake up as if life started at 18 yrs old again **minus the whole transgender thing**.
Im only free if I am homeless without an obligation to my ego. No past.
feel like Pac Man.... just eating and running from life until I reach the end of the clock.
Tell me, what will help me??? To get from this rut to my idealize life.
I can relate to the "whoredom" that you describe and experienced the same as you until very recently. It gave me a false sense of release. In order to escape from my mental prison, I engaged with men in the same way. Dressed up very slutty, sometimes with five or six men in one evening and actually longing for that boyfriend all that time. Feeling alienated.
I don't know if you were already diagnosed with gender dysphoria, but that was a game changer for me. I came out to my family, formally started my transition process and this sense of alienation is entirely gone now. Also the need to experience that kind of "release". In one week, I dumped all of my gentleman callers. My theory is, that if you are very repressed like myself and you have only brief moments you can experience your femininity while the internal pressure is very high, it will express itself in extreme ways.
I now allow myself to at least feel feminine all the time. The internal pressure has gone. Before that, I was just emotionally numb, because I didn't allow myself to feel anything. Opening about it and feeling the freedom to be who I am removed all of this alienation. And with it the need to have dates with men like that. I also feel now that the feminine persona I displayed during those encounters with men was some kind of caricature of who I actually am as a woman. In a way, I'm just getting to know her.
Yes. In my mind, I think Im a beautiful woman in those brief moments. Yet in reality I look like a guy... who just happens to have old men kissing me for my youth. Nothing about my looks. In reality, I have low self esteem... its just my youth...
I cant go on living like this... its like living for a fix of attractiveness...
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You mentioned you're only "free" if you have no outside obligations, yet at the same time you call yourself "repressed" and even call it a "mental prison". I find that contradictory. It took me 35 years to get out of my mental prison, but I now realize it was entirely self-imposed. I was worried about my parents, brother and sister, they didn't mind. I was worried about my son, he told me he's proud of me. I didn't lose any friends over it either. I'm worried about my business, but am hearing about transgenders who are thriving. All the worst case scenarios I thought of so far turned out to be untrue.
So my idea is, that you should be true to your feeling and not repress anything. You're not in any way obliged to your environment to be male. If you feel numb, depressed, engage in extreme sexual behavior just to feel briefly acknowledged as woman, I believe that suffering is actually worse than transitioning.
It took me a heart attack to realize that. Last April, I didn't realize I was having one and was just sitting on the couch, waiting for the pain to subside. But it didn't, it just got worse. It was during one of the dates we're discussing, i was completely en femme and it was due to taking kamagra (I need that with gay men,not my natural center of attention) and poppers at the same time, that I had a heart attack to start with. When the pain started, i just sent my date home.
At some point I thought I was dying and at that moment, instead of resisting, I just embraced death. I survived, was dottered and had a stent placed, but the event made me wonder afterwards why I had so little to live for that I didn't even care about dying. Why I was so numb. So that's what repression does.
It just doesn't work.
I love the way I look, but because I don't completely pass, people make my life a misery.
I'm sorry your in such a persistently sad state. I have no answers for you. I just wish you the best and hopefully you can pull out of it. We all go through this , I still have ups and downs, but luckily HRT has helped quite a lot .
Listen to your intuition, what you would like to do.
Then look for how to do a few things. You can start small.
Maybe looking for a few courses to get knowledge in a field you like...
maybe you meet some people there, maybe some already in that field...
For Wild Flower, I just finished reupping some of the writings I had here before. Reading this post of yours made me realize I needed to bring certain ones back. Wild Flower, I've not just dipped a toe into various types of darkness, I've dived in and saturated myself in it for so long I was in multiple mental prisons. Breaking free is needed and sometimes we need each other to get this done. Please read those odd ramblings and just maybe there is something there for you. They are in the Writings section, under the topic: Musings of a Madwoman. If there is anytime you wish to talk, I am only a PM away. Dani