Hi All,
I visited my family doctor yesterday to discuss going on hormones and my transgender dysphoria. It went well, he's willing to put me on low or regular dose hrt. I have two therapist that agree with this as well. I told him we'll discuss it at our next meeting, I wasn't quite ready, mainly because of how my wife would react.
So I had a chat with my wife after the appointment and it went pretty badly. I told her that I was thinking about low dose just to get rid of the dysphoria and she said what she always says it will lead to a full transition. Statements like these are hard to argue because I don't know and she doesn't know how it will work out. All I want is for the pain to die down a bit.
One of her comments really stung, she said she really didn't get transgender. For someone new to the topic, I can understand this but for someone whose known for close to 30 years that I'm transgender, someone whose read a lot of books on the subject, visited an assortment of of websites, it just seem like a slap in the face. In a couple of words she completely dismissed the pain she knows I have had since I was a child. I can understand she isn't comfortable with transitioning. She stated that over and over again, but the fact that she doesn't seem to have any sympathy for me, that really hurt.
My therapists and family doctor have all suggested this is her way of manipulating me. Stand her ground, show no sympathy, remind me of how it will affect the family and I'll eventually back down. It's worked for close to 30 years, the problem is yesterday it hit me that she really doesn't give a damn about me, I'm just a prop in her life that she can manipulate to her desire.
Maybe the answer is to call her on this and start taking hrt. I'll see how it affects me and she'll know whether she can deal with it. If she can't we should start planning our separation.
I'm so tired of being transgender.
Take care all, sorry for the rant,
Paige :)
Here is a resource that could help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788
Well... it seems you have gained some insight...
giving you a big *hug*
Quote from: Laura_7 on September 15, 2015, 12:03:20 PM
Here is a resource that could help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788
Well... it seems you have gained some insight...
giving you a big *hug*
Thanks Laura :)
Hi Paige,
That sounds daunting and tiresome indeed. My partner has known for 30 years too and will likely never see me as a woman or fully understand the depth of this for us. She sees me as obsessive and annoyingly full of it too often. For me transition has been progressively seductive and I am much further along than I once anticipated so I must agree there are unknowns to the consequences side of this.
We keep dancing around our challenges and sometimes talk about separation too. Tough stuff Hon and i guess I am just saying I get it and want you to feel supported. Please consider yourself hugged.
In my case, I do not take HRT, because of my wife and kids. I think I am between a man and a woman.
barbie~~
Quote from: Tessa James on September 15, 2015, 01:32:19 PM
Hi Paige,
That sounds daunting and tiresome indeed. My partner has known for 30 years too and will likely never see me as a woman or fully understand the depth of this for us. She sees me as obsessive and annoyingly full of it too often. For me transition has been progressively seductive and I am much further along than I once anticipated so I must agree there are unknowns to the consequences side of this.
We keep dancing around our challenges and sometimes talk about separation too. Tough stuff Hon and i guess I am just saying I get it and want you to feel supported. Please consider yourself hugged.
I'm sorry you're going through this too. Life can be a real pain sometimes. My wife saw me dressed in the late 80s and never again. She disliked it so much, she never wants to see me dressed again. I looked a lot better back then ;-). Now I'm just getting old and losing my hair. (Although dutasteride seems to have stop that for now :-)
In some ways I'm moving ahead I guess. I'm on dutasteride as I said. I've had both therapists and my family doctor agree about hrt. I'm shaving most of my body. When it gets a little colder I'll shave the rest of my legs. I may even start electrolysis on my face. So I guess I'm pushing back in some ways finally.
Thanks so much for the hug Tessa James.
Paige :)
Quote from: barbie on September 15, 2015, 01:36:54 PM
In my case, I do not take HRT, because of my wife and kids. I think I am between a man and a woman.
barbie~~
I don't how you do it Barbie. I haven't progressed much because of wife and kids too, but it drives me crazy. I've told her if it wasn't for her and the kids I would transition in a second.
Thanks,
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on September 15, 2015, 01:48:34 PM
I don't how you do it Barbie. I haven't progressed much because of wife and kids too, but it drives me crazy. I've told her if it wasn't for her and the kids I would transition in a second.
Thanks,
Paige :)
I have taken care of the emotions of my wife who also acknowledges my desire to dress as a woman. She once particularly disliked my wearing tube tops. Nowadays I even wear bikini while going out in beach with her and my kids. I think my wife and kids can be accustomed to my wearing women's dresses and makeup. Initially they showed very negative responses, but time has solved all kinds of problems. She sometimes worries that I may undergo HRT and SRS, but I relieve her of her anxiety. She always sees me as a man, and my kids do the same.
barbie~~
Quote from: barbie on September 15, 2015, 01:55:45 PM
I have taken care of the emotions of my wife who also acknowledges my desire to dress as a woman. She once particularly disliked my wearing tube tops. Nowadays I even wear bikini while going out in beach with her and my kids. I think my wife and kids can be accustomed to my wearing women's dresses and makeup. Initially they showed very negative responses, but time has solved all kinds of problems. She sometimes worries that I may undergo HRT and SRS, but I relieve her of her anxiety. She always sees me as a man, and my kids do the same.
barbie~~
Barbie: you look terrific without HRT
Quote from: stephaniec on September 15, 2015, 03:30:11 PM
Barbie: you look terrific without HRT
Hrt just grows boobs and makes you weak, anxious and depressed. Crossdressing was great. A total contrast to thd hard slog us transgendered people undergo.
Quote from: buttertly on September 15, 2015, 06:25:37 PM
Hrt just grows boobs and makes you weak, anxious and depressed. Crossdressing was great. A total contrast to thd hard slog us transgendered people undergo.
Hi butterly,
Sorry to hear it's going badly for you. I've experienced the anxious and depressed, it's no picnic. I have experimented in the past, something I wouldn't advise anyone do, but it made me feel absolutely wonderful, like I found myself. I have no illusions that family and the greater society will be understanding, but then they don't understand me now.
Take care, I hope it gets better for you,
Paige :)
Quote from: buttertly on September 15, 2015, 06:25:37 PM
Hrt just grows boobs and makes you weak, anxious and depressed. Crossdressing was great. A total contrast to thd hard slog us transgendered people undergo.
it was the opposite for me. Cross dressing always left me depressed. HRT has greatly relieved depression, nearly eliminated my constant anger and cynicism, and maybe even improved my language skills in meetings.
I'm not really sure about that last one. Maybe it's a result of being more relaxed overall and not stressed out. Things are not perfect but they are a whole lot better than before.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: stephaniec on September 15, 2015, 03:30:11 PM
Barbie: you look terrific without HRT
Stephanie,
Thanks. As you know, some of my feminine body features had been a stigma during my tees. Suddenly I found that they can be a great merit once I started crossdressing. Now I cherish them!
barbie~~
Quote from: barbie on September 15, 2015, 11:31:06 PM
Stephanie,
Thanks. As you know, some of my feminine body features had been a stigma during my tees. Suddenly I found that they can be a great merit once I started crossdressing. Now I cherish them!
barbie~~
Ah, you have hips!
You've done the right thing not transitioning. I have an extremely feminine face and I got bullied a lot for it too. Now I'm being bullied all over again. When you are on hrt and living full time, it's not fun anymore.
Quote from: Paige on September 15, 2015, 06:47:06 PM
Hi butterly,
Sorry to hear it's going badly for you. I've experienced the anxious and depressed, it's no picnic. I have experimented in the past, something I wouldn't advise anyone do, but it made me feel absolutely wonderful, like I found myself. I have no illusions that family and the greater society will be understanding, but then they don't understand me now.
Take care, I hope it gets better for you,
Paige :)
It was going good till this year. I am constantly hunted and vilified. I can't believe the hatred I'm getting. I know less passable ones who get none of this. Maybe it's this backward city I live in.
Quote from: Deborah on September 15, 2015, 06:55:45 PM
it was the opposite for me. Cross dressing always left me depressed. HRT has greatly relieved depression, nearly eliminated my constant anger and cynicism, and maybe even improved my language skills in meetings.
I'm not really sure about that last one. Maybe it's a result of being more relaxed overall and not stressed out. Things are not perfect but they are a whole lot better than before.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
How long you been living full time as woman?
Is she seeing a therapist? Are you in couples counseling? These have both been lifesavers in my household.
Quote from: sparrow on September 16, 2015, 06:04:58 PM
Is she seeing a therapist? Are you in couples counseling? These have both been lifesavers in my household.
Hi Sparrow,
No unfortunately not. I've suggested both on numerous occasions. She doesn't want to do either. I believe she thinks it will just help me transition so she resists.
I think in some ways she has worn me down. I just don't know if I have the energy anymore to take this on. If I was 30 years younger and not half bald, probably. Now all I can think of is the storm I will create by attempting this.
Paige :)
I'm sorry you're going through this, Paige. I get how that kind of behavior can wear you down. Hugs!
Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk
Quote from: ChiGirl on September 16, 2015, 11:24:14 PM
I'm sorry you're going through this, Paige. I get how that kind of behavior can wear you down. Hugs!
Thanks so much ChiGirl.
Paige :)
Paige,
That must just be exhausting. I feel for you.
Is there additional tension and/or friction in your relationship with your spouse? It seems like there is something there that she or you are missing. Perhaps she understands full well but is in such denial about it that she is making about blaming you? I am not a doctor or therapist so I really can't/shouldn't try to diagnose anything.
Have you told her you would not transition? Sorry, I remember some of your posts but have not gone back and reviewed.
This is all so tough with the support of a SO or when alone. Without that support must be brutal.
I too am so sorry.
Joanna
Quote from: Joanna50 on September 17, 2015, 11:16:28 AM
Paige,
That must just be exhausting. I feel for you.
Is there additional tension and/or friction in your relationship with your spouse? It seems like there is something there that she or you are missing. Perhaps she understands full well but is in such denial about it that she is making about blaming you? I am not a doctor or therapist so I really can't/shouldn't try to diagnose anything.
Have you told her you would not transition? Sorry, I remember some of your posts but have not gone back and reviewed.
This is all so tough with the support of a SO or when alone. Without that support must be brutal.
I too am so sorry.
Joanna
Hi Joanna,
Very intuitive of you, yes there are other tensions in the relationship. :) Actually one, money.
So basically I was laid off from my job of 10+ years last year. So I've gone back to my software business that I ran before starting at my old job. After severance, we've been living off my savings and her income.
I've been building a particular project for most of this year and am 90% complete, it's in beta but the last part is the trickiest. This has kicked up my dysphoria to a new level with the stress of the situation and I'm not sure if the project is going to go anywhere. The friends that are testing it are quite impressed but I just feeling overwhelmed and stuck in the mud right now.
Years ago I told her I would give it up and not transition thinking I could get over this. With the recent flair up of the last few years, I've told her that I didn't know what would happen and that I'm transgender and it's driving me crazy. I've told her if it wasn't for her and the kids I would transition in a second.
Yes it's very brutal. I think I just have to focus all my energy into getting my project done and then think of the future. But I wonder if low dose\full hrt would get rid of my dysphoria enough to allow me to concentrate again.
Thanks Joanna, I think your questions have clarified some things for me.
Paige :)
Paige,
Is it possible that she sees you as you have always been? The trick is you have always been transgender. If she sees you that way it might be easier to put the blame on you. Thinking, she and the situation haven't changed(outside of the job loss). So, you must just be reacting to the job loss.
I guess I was thinking either she has known all along and will not accept it or she sees this recent flare up as just that. A flare up.
Please don't take this personally, but the one mistake you made was in thinking that you could get over this. I made the same mistake but to myself. I have only come to the conclusion that I am transgender MTF in the last 6 months or so. I knew I was different and knew I struggled with hidden cross dressing since I was 8 or so. I just thought it was something I should be able to "be better" about and overcome it. The biggest thing to strike me when I was in the middle of self exploration last spring is that it never completely goes away. Whether talking about cross dressers or transitioning transgender folks, it is always there. Depending on how your life is at the moment, it may recede for a while(like my hair but it is sadly permanent) but it will always come back. I don't know if there is a way you can communicate that? Perhaps she could understand or empathize more knowing it has always been there?
Don't know. Good luck and warmth.
Joanna
My wife accepts my crossdressing and ->-bleeped-<- because I earn salary and sustain my family. My colleagues accept my wearing skirt, heels and makeup because I perform well and have good relationships with other people at my workplace. Students accept my wearing skirt during the class because I teach well. My kids accept it because their mother and my colleagues also accept it. I started wearing bikini in the beach only after I secured my current tenure position at my university.
SO always worry that my ->-bleeped-<- undermines my professional performance, and I always have to demonstrate that it is not the case.
My slogan has been "Work first, then enjoy and express my femininity later". I have been a responsible person, regardless of my gender.
Yes. I am also now working on some computer code (biological modelling), which I want my graduate students to do soon.
barbie~~
Quote from: Joanna50 on September 17, 2015, 12:29:42 PM
Paige,
Is it possible that she sees you as you have always been? The trick is you have always been transgender. If she sees you that way it might be easier to put the blame on you. Thinking, she and the situation haven't changed(outside of the job loss). So, you must just be reacting to the job loss.
I guess I was thinking either she has known all along and will not accept it or she sees this recent flare up as just that. A flare up.
Please don't take this personally, but the one mistake you made was in thinking that you could get over this. I made the same mistake but to myself. I have only come to the conclusion that I am transgender MTF in the last 6 months or so. I knew I was different and knew I struggled with hidden cross dressing since I was 8 or so. I just thought it was something I should be able to "be better" about and overcome it. The biggest thing to strike me when I was in the middle of self exploration last spring is that it never completely goes away. Whether talking about cross dressers or transitioning transgender folks, it is always there. Depending on how your life is at the moment, it may recede for a while(like my hair but it is sadly permanent) but it will always come back. I don't know if there is a way you can communicate that? Perhaps she could understand or empathize more knowing it has always been there?
Don't know. Good luck and warmth.
Joanna
Hi Joanna,
I don't think she can think of it as a flare up because of the layoff. By the way it was a company wide layoff, over 300 people, nothing to do with my performance just the next quarter. Anyway it has never gone away, but it got really bad a couple of years before the layoff and she knows that.
My wife has known for close to 30 years. Back then there was no internet, little research and psychiatrists actually thought you could be "cured". I had quite a few episodes in that time. I always thought I could get over it but after more than 50 years and recent revelations by science that there isn't a way to get over it, I have changed how I explain it to her. My wife has know all along, but like me she understanding has morphed over the years.
I have told her this isn't going away and is painful every day. It was always there in the past, sometimes I could distract myself but that seems to be tougher these days. I know I'm going to have to live with this one way or the other. The question is can I live it her way without going completely insane?
Thanks for all the help Joanna,
Paige :)
Quote from: barbie on September 17, 2015, 02:26:30 PM
My wife accepts my crossdressing and ->-bleeped-<- because I earn salary and sustain my family. My colleagues accept my wearing skirt, heels and makeup because I perform well and have good relationships with other people at my workplace. Students accept my wearing skirt during the class because I teach well. My kids accept it because their mother and my colleagues also accept it. I started wearing bikini in the beach only after I secured my current tenure position at my university.
SO always worry that my ->-bleeped-<- undermines my professional performance, and I always have to demonstrate that it is not the case.
My slogan has been "Work first, then enjoy and express my femininity later". I have been a responsible person, regardless of my gender.
Yes. I am also now working on some computer code (biological modelling), which I want my graduate students to do soon.
barbie~~
Hi Barbie,
Actually I've done quite well in my life being a good husband, good father and a good son. I have always provided for my family and the only reason I didn't transition years ago was because I was more concerned for family. But it isn't that I want to enjoy my femininity, I need to be who I am 24/7. I've been lying to myself for too long. I'm not considering this to extend my pleasure, I need to do this to retain my sanity.
I admire that your wife is so understanding, but I'm sure if I even thought about your approach my wife would truly freak. Much of her disapproval is how the world would see us. I believe your approach is unique on Susans. Unlike you, I'm just not feminine enough to cross-dress in public right now.
The other thing is that I'm not comfortable at all with my body. My dysphoria is centered around this. I'm actually the opposite of you. I would transition in stealth if I could figure a way to do it all without the world knowing.
Maybe that's the answer for now, I know there are many on here that have transitioned to some extent but remain in stealth mode but that would still require my wife to be okay with me being on some sort of hormones.
Thanks Barbie for the input, it's been helpful.
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on September 15, 2015, 11:55:55 AM
It's worked for close to 30 years, the problem is yesterday it hit me that she really doesn't give a damn about me, I'm just a prop in her life that she can manipulate to her desire.
I sort of feel the same way. So what can you do? See about yourself first. People come and go but in the end you're stuck with yourself.
Quote from: iKate on September 17, 2015, 04:18:00 PM
I sort of feel the same way. So what can you do? See about yourself first. People come and go but in the end you're stuck with yourself.
Hi Kate,
Yup, that's about it. Although I'm trying to figure a way through this, it's looking more and more like we're destined to split.
Thanks,
Paige :)
P.S. Your avatar is absolutely amazing. I remember when you first started, wow quite the change.
Hang in there Paige. It is tough coming to that final realization of who you are and what you need to do. I had the hardest time coming to terms with that. Once I made the decision to begin HRT and started Estrogen therapy my outlook got so much better. I had repressed much of my feelings for most of my adult life but I still worried about how my children would react to my decision to transition. They really surprised me by how supportive they actually were. I didn't have to worry about a spouse because I had separated/divorced my ex 5 years before I began transition. I do have a girlfriend and so far she has stuck with me.
At the end of the day it is your body and your decision. I personally love how HRT has made me feel and pretty much everyone who is actually around me on a daily basis agrees.
To emotionally blackmail you is so wrong on so many levels. If a person truly loves you they want you to be happy and will support you in your efforts. I believe that some of the very few people in my life who have not been supportive of me are acting that way because they don't want to be "embarrassed" by supporting me. It's funny how some people are more concerned with how they will be be perceived by others then they are with the health and well being of the person they claim to love.
Good luck to you girl and do what is right for you.
Hi there,
I find it really hard to comment, because you situation is quite complicated.
But I want to support you that it was a lot harder in the 80s, and that the older generation (aka we ;-)) had it lot harder. I have friends who are my age, who are otherwise very leftist and open-minded, and they still have a problem with trans. The 80s were a tough decade for trans people.
So it's very believable that you wife is just stuck in that mindset, and nothing you do can change that. It's a different worldview really. Younger people have grown up with more information. In the 80s, gender was "chromosomes" and as we all know, they can't be changed.
I myself had a hard time to get rid of that worldview, which delayed my whole self acceptance process for many years.
It sounds like focusing on your business to become independent would be a good idea right now. It can only strengthen your position.
Quote from: Paige on September 17, 2015, 04:07:24 PM
I admire that your wife is so understanding, but I'm sure if I even thought about your approach my wife would truly freak. Much of her disapproval is how the world would see us. I believe your approach is unique on Susans. Unlike you, I'm just not feminine enough to cross-dress in public right now.
Hi, Paige,
I am not quite sure, but I think women tend to be more emotional. For example, I have two younger sisters, and one of them was like your wife. She never understood my ->-bleeped-<- during the past 10 years. Just repeat what she already said. And I just gave up her, as I do not live with her.
Recently I sent her some of my photos, including those bikini photos, through a smartphone messenger. Suddenly her attitude was changed. She seemed to realize that I am m2f transsexual, which she never could imagine. Then she suddenly became very sympathetic to me, surmising my past hardships.
People are all different, but I can say that women tend to be more emotional in dialogue. Women are easily moved by a tiny gift or care.
barbie~~
Quote from: Jessie Ann on September 18, 2015, 10:16:07 AM
Hang in there Paige. It is tough coming to that final realization of who you are and what you need to do. I had the hardest time coming to terms with that. Once I made the decision to begin HRT and started Estrogen therapy my outlook got so much better. I had repressed much of my feelings for most of my adult life but I still worried about how my children would react to my decision to transition. They really surprised me by how supportive they actually were. I didn't have to worry about a spouse because I had separated/divorced my ex 5 years before I began transition. I do have a girlfriend and so far she has stuck with me.
At the end of the day it is your body and your decision. I personally love how HRT has made me feel and pretty much everyone who is actually around me on a daily basis agrees.
To emotionally blackmail you is so wrong on so many levels. If a person truly loves you they want you to be happy and will support you in your efforts. I believe that some of the very few people in my life who have not been supportive of me are acting that way because they don't want to be "embarrassed" by supporting me. It's funny how some people are more concerned with how they will be be perceived by others then they are with the health and well being of the person they claim to love.
Good luck to you girl and do what is right for you.
Hi Jessie Ann,
I've always wondered if my daughters might have some suspicions. One is out of high school, the other one has one year left. I'm pretty sure the younger one will think it's neat. The older one will be probably be embarrassed. But I'm a long way from that now.
You're right it's emotional blackmail to some extent. My therapist thinks she basically has been calling the shots for our entire relationship and if you look at the history, my wife has gotten her way on most issues.
I think I've decided to try low dose for a while. I just want to see how I feel and then see where to take it. I'm sure my wife won't be impressed but something has to give.
Thanks for the support,
Paige :)
Quote from: Bunter on September 18, 2015, 11:24:48 AM
Hi there,
I find it really hard to comment, because you situation is quite complicated.
But I want to support you that it was a lot harder in the 80s, and that the older generation (aka we ;-)) had it lot harder. I have friends who are my age, who are otherwise very leftist and open-minded, and they still have a problem with trans. The 80s were a tough decade for trans people.
So it's very believable that you wife is just stuck in that mindset, and nothing you do can change that. It's a different worldview really. Younger people have grown up with more information. In the 80s, gender was "chromosomes" and as we all know, they can't be changed.
I myself had a hard time to get rid of that worldview, which delayed my whole self acceptance process for many years.
It sounds like focusing on your business to become independent would be a good idea right now. It can only strengthen your position.
Hi Bunter,
Thanks for the kind comments. I think you're right I've got to get the business working for this to work out but at the same time I think I will start low dose to try and clear my head. Hopefully this will all figure itself out.
Take care,
Paige :)
Quote from: barbie on September 18, 2015, 11:55:01 AM
Hi, Paige,
I am not quite sure, but I think women tend to be more emotional. For example, I have two younger sisters, and one of them was like your wife. She never understood my ->-bleeped-<- during the past 10 years. Just repeat what she already said. And I just gave up her, as I do not live with her.
Recently I sent her some of my photos, including those bikini photos, through a smartphone messenger. Suddenly her attitude was changed. She seemed to realize that I am m2f transsexual, which she never could imagine. Then she suddenly became very sympathetic to me, surmising my past hardships.
People are all different, but I can say that women tend to be more emotional in dialogue. Women are easily moved by a tiny gift or care.
barbie~~
Interesting idea Barbie, I often wonder if my wife would be a little more accepting if I dressed feminine in front of her. I only did it once almost 30 years ago. I know she hates the thought of it, but maybe that's exactly what she needs me to do for her to understand me better. She tolerates me dressing when she's not around. Maybe there's an opportunity there.
Thanks for the idea. I think I will talk to her about this.
Paige :)
My youngest, who is in her last year of high school, was exactly that way. I believe she said "That's so cool dad, do I still get to call you dad." Her and some of her friends have been shopping with me and they are some of my biggest supporters.
Quote from: Paige on September 18, 2015, 04:54:25 PM
I'm pretty sure the younger one will think it's neat.
It's good for you to at least explore how you will feel with even a low dose. I felt so normal once I started. Give it a little time to gauge your body's reaction. My therapist explained to me that my body was craving estrogen, and had been most of my life. Once it was in my system things really changed for me. Good luck with your trial.
Quote from: Paige on September 18, 2015, 04:54:25 PM
I think I've decided to try low dose for a while. I just want to see how I feel and then see where to take it. I'm sure my wife won't be impressed but something has to give.
Thanks for the support,
Paige :)
Quote from: Jessie Ann on September 18, 2015, 05:38:05 PM
My youngest, who is in her last year of high school, was exactly that way. I believe she said "That's so cool dad, do I still get to call you dad." Her and some of her friends have been shopping with me and they are some of my biggest supporters.
It's good for you to at least explore how you will feel with even a low dose. I felt so normal once I started. Give it a little time to gauge your body's reaction. My therapist explained to me that my body was craving estrogen, and had been most of my life. Once it was in my system things really changed for me. Good luck with your trial.
Hi Jessie Ann,
That's awesome that your your daughter is really supportive.
As for the hrt, I just have to build up some courage. I'll let you know when that happens.
Thanks so much,
Paige :)
I know the feeling. I get so sick and freaking tired of it and all this crap we deal with in its variety never ending feeling like the day will never come getting anywhere that we could just take a deep breath and move forward. Year after year, day after working night after night feeling as if was not myself in a town where whatever the heck they think I am they've seen me hearing what other say but nobody really knows not does a thing they say mean a thing but I cringe filled with dysphoria finding myself isolated in my own prison. I ask myself why then find its impossible to see myself any other way identifying any different. But you know what? I wouldn't want to be like them anyway!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
And I wanted to,say sick of everything so freaking tired of it all not wanting to have to go on another second feeling how I feel, I absolutely love who I am!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
As in mountaineering, you have seemed to have affected a self arrest, saving yourself from falling.
Loving ourselves is important. ;D
Quote from: Paige on September 17, 2015, 04:07:24 PM
Hi Barbie,
Actually I've done quite well in my life being a good husband, good father and a good son. I have always provided for my family and the only reason I didn't transition years ago was because I was more concerned for family. But it isn't that I want to enjoy my femininity, I need to be who I am 24/7. I've been lying to myself for too long. I'm not considering this to extend my pleasure, I need to do this to retain my sanity.
I admire that your wife is so understanding, but I'm sure if I even thought about your approach my wife would truly freak. Much of her disapproval is how the world would see us. I believe your approach is unique on Susans. Unlike you, I'm just not feminine enough to cross-dress in public right now.
The other thing is that I'm not comfortable at all with my body. My dysphoria is centered around this. I'm actually the opposite of you. I would transition in stealth if I could figure a way to do it all without the world knowing.
Maybe that's the answer for now, I know there are many on here that have transitioned to some extent but remain in stealth mode but that would still require my wife to be okay with me being on some sort of hormones.
Thanks Barbie for the input, it's been helpful.
Paige :)
Hi Paige,
I just wanted to share my recent experience at dealing with similar issues. My wife has also known about my issues for the duration of our relationship. I've spent the last 20 years trying to find a way to live without transitioning. Anyway, I started experiencing the most debilitating dysphoria of my life so I found a gender therapist. After a couple of months my therapist helped me see that taking just tiny steps towards transition could help relieve some of the dysphoria (I also was fearful that making any changes would put me on the path towards full transition, so I resisted making any changes ). To make a long story short, I started tucking almost all the time (using a homemade gaff, check YouTube ) . For me this provided an almost immediate mental relief. I believe it in part had to do with a reduction in my testosterone. A lot of the noise that was occurring dissipated and I felt calmer, less anxious and more confident. I decided that I would continue tucking going forward so I told my wife. I explained the significant benefits it gave me and she was not opposed to it (although she didn't want to see it). After eight months I started to perceive some slight physical changes consistent with those who go on t blockers. This was completely unexpected but very welcomed. This experience has helped to put things into perspective and greatly clarify the path ahead for me. I've gotten a clear sense that proceeding on a path towards transition is absolutely the right direction for me. I told my wife that I feel sooo much better post tucking, why would I ever go back? It's hard for her to argue with that. Why would I intentionally do something that makes me miserable? We can both see that that doesn't make any sense. I'm taking things sloooowly, but at least I'm going in the right direction! I wish you well and hope you find a solution that provides you some relief. Take care [emoji3]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Paige, I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult spot right now. Although I'm not in your current situation, when I was married, I felt trapped and I so unhappy. I wanted to leave but there were so many fears of the unknown that it took me 2 more years before I finally left. Now, she's happily remarried, my daughter and I are super close, and I'm able to transition. I even told my ex-wife about it and she has been supportive.
Now, I'm not saying to leave your wife or anything like that. What I'm trying to get at is that maybe she's scared, maybe your scared. Changes happen and whatever you decide, things tend to work out. The nightmare scenarios we tend to create in our heads rarely if ever actually happen. What ever happens, you should do what is best for YOU and your family. You can't take care of your family if you don't take care of YOU first.
Quote from: buttertly on September 26, 2015, 01:56:29 AM
One of the things your wife is more aware of than yourself is the community of women. I never realized the extent of it. Men leave each other alone but women can't leave people alone. Also many have an absolute hatred of transwomen. Your wife would have heard their vitriol.
She knows that if you transition, she will be the subject of hatred too.
Yes. That's true. Friends of my wife... I can not talk to them. Actually they were the worst group of people in my journey. And, if some of them were Catholic, it was beyond my control. The worst enemy to transgender people.
Fortunately, nowadays Facebook and other SNS, where I can find more women supportive of me. Women are far more diverse than men in gender preference. A few women treat me like a celebrity. For example, when I posted photos of wearing bikini, a few women criticized me while other women aggressively defended me.
As we moved from the U.S. to my country (S. Korea) about 10 years ago, my wife did not have so many friends, which was good. If a few women dared to argue on my wearing women's clothes, my wife rebutted it easily. Nowadays, most women my wife meets do not say anything bad on my appearance. They just accept it. Even some women and men admire my confidence because I have managed to wear women's clothes in public.
barbie~~
Locked until I can clean this thread up
Unlocked
Quote from: Gladys-phylis on September 25, 2015, 07:00:29 PM
Hi Paige,
To make a long story short, I started tucking almost all the time (using a homemade gaff, check YouTube ) . For me this provided an almost immediate mental relief. I believe it in part had to do with a reduction in my testosterone. A lot of the noise that was occurring dissipated and I felt calmer, less anxious and more confident. I decided that I would continue tucking going forward so I told my wife. I explained the significant benefits it gave me and she was not opposed to it (although she didn't want to see it). After eight months I started to perceive some slight physical changes consistent with those who go on t blockers. This was completely unexpected but very welcomed. This experience has helped to put things into perspective and greatly clarify the path ahead for me. I've gotten a clear sense that proceeding on a path towards transition is absolutely the right direction for me. I told my wife that I feel sooo much better post tucking, why would I ever go back? It's hard for her to argue with that. Why would I intentionally do something that makes me miserable? We can both see that that doesn't make any sense. I'm taking things sloooowly, but at least I'm going in the right direction! I wish you well and hope you find a solution that provides you some relief. Take care [emoji3]
Hi Gladys-phylis,
Thank you so much for the post. So it's funny you bring up tucking. Someone posted their video on tucking a week or so ago on Susans so I decided to give it a try. It does make me feel a bit better. I'll have to see how it goes.
I do feel that every little step like this one seems to be leading me to the inevitable.
Take care,
Paige :)
Quote from: Autumnleaf on September 26, 2015, 09:47:56 AM
Paige, I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult spot right now. Although I'm not in your current situation, when I was married, I felt trapped and I so unhappy. I wanted to leave but there were so many fears of the unknown that it took me 2 more years before I finally left. Now, she's happily remarried, my daughter and I are super close, and I'm able to transition. I even told my ex-wife about it and she has been supportive.
Now, I'm not saying to leave your wife or anything like that. What I'm trying to get at is that maybe she's scared, maybe your scared. Changes happen and whatever you decide, things tend to work out. The nightmare scenarios we tend to create in our heads rarely if ever actually happen. What ever happens, you should do what is best for YOU and your family. You can't take care of your family if you don't take care of YOU first.
Thanks Autumnleaf. I glad it turned out well for you. You're so right about the nightmare scenarios. I think way too much about that sort of stuff. Every time I visit with friends or family, I'm always thinking how this person or that person will react. I need to stop that. It's paralyzing and my real nightmare scenario is that I'm in constant limbo, unable to live my life.
Thanks for the support,
Paige :)
*ouch*
Quotemy real nightmare scenario is that I in constant limbo, unable to live my life
That hit bulls eye.
Sometimes I think that has already happened, at least in some areas of my life.
Then I think that transitioning would not really take me out of that limbo--
does being trans mean that one is stuck in the limbo for all eternity?
Quote from: Bunter on September 30, 2015, 02:24:59 PM
*ouch*
That hit bulls eye.
Sometimes I think that has already happened, at least in some areas of my life.
Then I think that transitioning would not really take me out of that limbo--
does being trans mean that one is stuck in the limbo for all eternity?
Hi Bunter,
Don't really know the answer to that question. I also sometimes wonder if it's a grass is greener on the other side of the fence sort of thing. But for me, it's getting worse daily and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to have some sort of breakdown.
This is like walking a tightrope, one slip and my world falls apart, but I'm getting tired and my balance is starting to go.
Thanks for the comment,
Paige :)
Unable from one day to the next to figure out who I present. No surgery, no hrt, but lots of other small things that transition in gender. Presenting as male, but some place on the non-binary edge. For now that place is safe, and transitional. I can move around. But there are parts of transition that aren't reversible. I have an impossible time committing to a tattoo.
Quote from: Samantha-Marie on October 12, 2015, 10:55:02 PM
Unable from one day to the next to figure out who I present. No surgery, no hrt, but lots of other small things that transition in gender. Presenting as male, but some place on the non-binary edge. For now that place is safe, and transitional. I can move around. But there are parts of transition that aren't reversible. I have an impossible time committing to a tattoo.
Hi Samantha,
Yes I'm a little like you. I have a hard time getting off the fence and making a decision especially for big decisions like this.
Thanks for the post,
Paige :)
Hi All,
A bit of an update. I have the opportunity to start attending group sessions this week. I tried to go to this group a couple of years ago but chickened out. The sessions are all aspects of the transgender life not just full transition. Various experts will give presentations each week.
My wife is totally against it. She says it will wreck our marriage. She's always coming at me with this slippery slope argument. She says this is just another thing on my way to fully transition. Maybe she's right, I do so want to be me. But I've constantly put off taking any major steps for the sake of my family. I know if I go she'll be really peeved.
I'm really starting to resent how it's always about how it will affect her. She never seems to be the least bit concerned with how this is tearing me apart. As I've said in the past, she's known for almost 30 years but I get no credit for not doing anything during that time. I can understand how this is no picnic for her but really a little empathy would be helpful. Maybe she just wants me to divorce her, but doesn't want to bring it up herself?
Not sure what to do,
Paige :)
Paige,
I'm a little late to this thread and I haven't read all three pages so I don't know if anyone has said it this way. Your wife may be doing all the things you've mentioned because she's really scared. Assuming other areas of your relationship are OK, you said you've been together for 30 years so that's got to be somewhat of a comfort to her. Now change comes and it may be frightening her. She may be scared of other peoples reactions, she may be scared that you'll eventually leave and she'll be alone or a combination of things. I'm not saying this is the case but it might be something, if you feel comfortable doing so, you could talk to her about. I will say I was on a very low dose HRT after my wife realized what I was suppressing and it did help.
Bev
Quote from: Paige on October 13, 2015, 12:50:01 PM
Hi All,
A bit of an update. I have the opportunity to start attending group sessions this week. I tried to go to this group a couple of years ago but chickened out. The sessions are all aspects of the transgender life not just full transition. Various experts will give presentations each week.
My wife is totally against it. She says it will wreck our marriage. She's always coming at me with this slippery slope argument. She says this is just another thing on my way to fully transition. Maybe she's right, I do so want to be me. But I've constantly put off taking any major steps for the sake of my family. I know if I go she'll be really peeved.
I'm really starting to resent how it's always about how it will affect her. She never seems to be the least bit concerned with how this is tearing me apart. As I've said in the past, she's known for almost 30 years but I get no credit for not doing anything during that time. I can understand how this is no picnic for her but really a little empathy would be helpful. Maybe she just wants me to divorce her, but doesn't want to bring it up herself?
Not sure what to do,
Paige :)
Livng as a transexual will put you in the doghouse with all strange women. They loathe us.
The bullying is...intense.
I'm also a bit late. In some ways your wife is 100% correct with the "Slippery Slope" argument. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over the past several decades. It works. It eases the anxieties, stops the overwhelming racket in your head, you feel better being you. I always had to stop when the point came months later and long after the peace treaty, when things started happening below the belt. A direct contradiction with trying to be a normal(ish) guy.
Six years ago after the excrement hit the air handler again in my life, I knew I needed to seriously do something about how I was NOT handling being trans. Without a doubt, after two failed experiments in my younger days, transition was absolutely the very LAST thing on my to-do list. Nevertheless, I was in the boonies now, needed support of some sort and eventually found a "local" support group some 90 miles away.
I was totally blown away after my first meeting. Actually being in a room filled with others like me, having almost the same stories and feelings as me. "OK a one time fluke" I thought. The next month, the same thing. By the end of the third meeting I knew I was rapidly approaching, if not passed, the point of filling in my wife on what's happening. (We were living several states away due to my new job) When she learned that most to about all the members were either transitioned or working towards it, she was even more concerned. "A duck hanging out with geese is bound to think she's a goose"
A funny thing happened on my way to self actualization, slowly transitioning was no longer absolutely the last thing on my mind. As I slowly learned, actually unlearned, I began to once again see and even experience joy. Joy is addicting. Especially when Shame & Guilt are not always coming around to kill it. Low dose HRT eventually led to higher. The emotional effects of lowered T and higher E were profound. Same for feeling the results of the hard work on healing myself.
Of the many things I learned these six or so years is that how you feel today is not necessarily the same you'll be feeling tomorrow. Like 30 some years ago when I told my wife about my gender issues, failed experiments, HRT, that I was "Just a CD".
She is far from happy about the updated letters. She is very happy about the updated me, as a person. Over the years I turned into a lifeless, soulless thing, always angry says she. Today I live in total fear of ever reverting back to that thing I was. I live in fear of needing to go further then I am. Want and need are different. In a perfect world I would. Mine is FAR from perfect.
One of the other things I learned is it is difficult to be be totally honest with others and even more difficult to be totally honest with yourself, when you have no idea who and what you truly are. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do know a lot more of who the real me is
Quote from: JoanneB on November 08, 2015, 11:24:50 AM
I'm also a bit late. In some ways your wife is 100% correct with the "Slippery Slope" argument. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over the past several decades. It works. It eases the anxieties, stops the overwhelming racket in your head, you feel better being you. I always had to stop when the point came months later and long after the peace treaty, when things started happening below the belt. A direct contradiction with trying to be a normal(ish) guy.
Six years ago after the excrement hit the air handler again in my life, I knew I needed to seriously do something about how I was NOT handling being trans. Without a doubt, after two failed experiments in my younger days, transition was absolutely the very LAST thing on my to-do list. Nevertheless, I was in the boonies now, needed support of some sort and eventually found a "local" support group some 90 miles away.
I was totally blown away after my first meeting. Actually being in a room filled with others like me, having almost the same stories and feelings as me. "OK a one time fluke" I thought. The next month, the same thing. By the end of the third meeting I knew I was rapidly approaching, if not passed, the point of filling in my wife on what's happening. (We were living several states away due to my new job) When she learned that most to about all the members were either transitioned or working towards it, she was even more concerned. "A duck hanging out with geese is bound to think she's a goose"
A funny thing happened on my way to self actualization, slowly transitioning was no longer absolutely the last thing on my mind. As I slowly learned, actually unlearned, I began to once again see and even experience joy. Joy is addicting. Especially when Shame & Guilt are not always coming around to kill it. Low dose HRT eventually led to higher. The emotional effects of lowered T and higher E were profound. Same for feeling the results of the hard work on healing myself.
Of the many things I learned these six or so years is that how you feel today is not necessarily the same you'll be feeling tomorrow. Like 30 some years ago when I told my wife about my gender issues, failed experiments, HRT, that I was "Just a CD".
She is far from happy about the updated letters. She is very happy about the updated me, as a person. Over the years I turned into a lifeless, soulless thing, always angry says she. Today I live in total fear of ever reverting back to that thing I was. I live in fear of needing to go further then I am. Want and need are different. In a perfect world I would. Mine is FAR from perfect.
One of the other things I learned is it is difficult to be be totally honest with others and even more difficult to be totally honest with yourself, when you have no idea who and what you truly are. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do know a lot more of who the real me is
Thanks so much Joanne, you always make me feel better. I know exactly how you feel about feeling soulless and lifeless. The days when I could accept my maleness are gone. Now I just continue this way so not to upset the family. It's not good for me, but it seems to work for everyone else.
So I've started going to a rather large group for transgender people (woman, men and gender fluid.), most are in the early stages, pre everything. It's moderated by a trans-woman and a trans-man. Everyone is quite nice and understanding. Very informative, not really sure where this will lead.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment and will once again have the option to low dose. We'll see how it goes. Right now the whole idea scares the crap out of me. Maybe I just do it for 3 months to see how I feel but I suspect once I get it I'll be hooked.
Thanks everyone for all the support.
Paige :)
Quote from: JoanneB on November 08, 2015, 11:24:50 AM
I'm also a bit late. In some ways your wife is 100% correct with the "Slippery Slope" argument. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over the past several decades. It works. It eases the anxieties, stops the overwhelming racket in your head, you feel better being you. I always had to stop when the point came months later and long after the peace treaty, when things started happening below the belt. A direct contradiction with trying to be a normal(ish) guy.
Hi Joanne,
When things started "happening below the belt", did you try Viagra. I heard some people use a pump and ring, or a dido with harness.
Even if I was to keep it working, I'm not sure my wife would like it. If I started having larger breasts and nipples, I'm pretty sure that would be a turn off for her. She's already gets squeamish about my lack of body hair.
Unfortunately I think I may be headed for a divorce.
Thanks again for all the help,
Paige :)
Hi All,
So my doctor put me on Spiro today. To see how I feel with reduced T and as a possible lead up to E. I'm not sure of this. I looked at the side effects and it concerned me quite a bit. My wife thinks this is just another step down the path and is quite unhappy.
Me I'm just looking for some sort of solution.
This is so emotionally draining.
Take care all,
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on November 09, 2015, 06:14:54 PM
Hi All,
So my doctor put me on Spiro today. To see how I feel with reduced T and as a possible lead up to E. I'm not sure of this. I looked at the side effects and it concerned me quite a bit. My wife thinks this is just another step down the path and is quite unhappy.
Me I'm just looking for some sort of solution.
This is so emotionally draining.
Take care all,
Paige :)
Side effects from Spiro? No more pigging out on bananas? Or more common with a lot of women in my group, a craving for all things pickled.
Low T? Stop stinkin like a guy. A lot less depressed. Not as easily to fall into that depression death spiral where you blame yourself and your lot in life for everything bad in the world around you. OK, less energy, loss of strength, thin skinned as in thin skin and not so sense of humor.
My "lowered" T days was a long time ago when Viagra was only a thought experiment or just coming out for ED at buko bucks. The bottom line was I had to stop E. Being a bit gynocomastic to start with a little change upstairs was no immediate worry... yet. Just a lot more divergent from "Normal"
These days my wife is not exactly thrilled about "the bumps on my chest". But given the likely alternative of "coming home to find me swinging from a rafter in the garage" (TBH-vaporized by a 'Jersey Divider' at 100MPH, but I digress), she prefers the bumps.
Quote from: JoanneB on November 09, 2015, 08:55:26 PM
Side effects from Spiro? No more pigging out on bananas? Or more common with a lot of women in my group, a craving for all things pickled.
Low T? Stop stinkin like a guy. A lot less depressed. Not as easily to fall into that depression death spiral where you blame yourself and your lot in life for everything bad in the world around you. OK, less energy, loss of strength, thin skinned as in thin skin and not so sense of humor.
My "lowered" T days was a long time ago when Viagra was only a thought experiment or just coming out for ED at buko bucks. The bottom line was I had to stop E. Being a bit gynocomastic to start with a little change upstairs was no immediate worry... yet. Just a lot more divergent from "Normal"
These days my wife is not exactly thrilled about "the bumps on my chest". But given the likely alternative of "coming home to find me swinging from a rafter in the garage" (TBH-vaporized by a 'Jersey Divider' at 100MPH, but I digress), she prefers the bumps.
Thanks so much Joanne,
I actually do eat a lot of bananas. I guess I'll stop that. :) I'm curious to know if spiro gets rid of my negative moods. Don't like the idea of my energy going down.
So you're off anti-T and E right now? What was it like stopping. I imagine it would be pretty horrible to feel right and then go back to your old self.
Take care,
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on November 09, 2015, 06:14:54 PM
Hi All,
So my doctor put me on Spiro today. To see how I feel with reduced T and as a possible lead up to E. I'm not sure of this. I looked at the side effects and it concerned me quite a bit. My wife thinks this is just another step down the path and is quite unhappy.
Me I'm just looking for some sort of solution.
This is so emotionally draining.
Take care all,
Paige :)
Yeah Paige!
Good for you! The side effects of spiro like dehydration are controllable, we drink more;-) More importantly I bet you are going to feel better, maybe much better for taking a solid step for yourself. I love the many positive changes but did feel a little flat for the first week. How are you doing?
Quote from: Tessa James on November 10, 2015, 11:48:49 AM
Yeah Paige!
Good for you! The side effects of spiro like dehydration are controllable, we drink more;-) More importantly I bet you are going to feel better, maybe much better for taking a solid step for yourself. I love the many positive changes but did feel a little flat for the first week. How are you doing?
Hi Tessa,
So I'm just trying this to see if it will give me some relief from my dysphoria. I'm not sure if it will progress from here. With that said I'm feeling very emotional, my breasts seem to be much more sensitive. I keep needing to massage them. My nipples have mostly been erect since I started. I didn't sleep much last night and I should be tired but I'm not the least bit tired. I suspect it's pretty well all psychological, for just trying this. That stuff seems to kick in fast. It might be because I've been on dutasteride for almost a year.
I'm really torn right now. If I progress my marriage is very likely to fall apart but I've become a bit of zombie and I'm not sure if there's any other solution that keeps me on this planet.
Thanks for the comment Tessa,
Paige :)
You are welcome and deserve more. ;) Yes, more emotional with sensitive breasts and erect nipples. Sounds so familiar ;D
Sorry about those dilemmas that are tearing at you. No simple or easy ways to recommend as we know you are carefully thinking and finding your own course. Please stay with us here and for yourself. Zombies seem to get mowed down wholesale in the movies :D
Hugs
Quote from: Tessa James on November 10, 2015, 03:37:28 PM
You are welcome and deserve more. ;) Yes, more emotional with sensitive breasts and erect nipples. Sounds so familiar ;D
Sorry about those dilemmas that are tearing at you. No simple or easy ways to recommend as we know you are carefully thinking and finding your own course. Please stay with us here and for yourself. Zombies seem to get mowed down wholesale in the movies :D
Hugs
Thanks Tessa for the Hugs and advice. As has been said many times here, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on November 10, 2015, 09:36:40 AM
Thanks so much Joanne,
I actually do eat a lot of bananas. I guess I'll stop that. :) I'm curious to know if spiro gets rid of my negative moods. Don't like the idea of my energy going down.
So you're off anti-T and E right now? What was it like stopping. I imagine it would be pretty horrible to feel right and then go back to your old self.
Take care,
Paige :)
I'm a bit dense, but ultimately trainable. Full E and AA. Well almost with Spiro. I'm not good with pill given all the other supplements I take. Spiro often gets the I'll get it later which never happened, treatment. And it does show with the ever darkening mood
Paige,
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm in much the same position as you are, with my wife fearing a transition and how it would affect her, and the kids, more than about what I'm feeling.
Hugs!
Quote from: JoanneB on November 10, 2015, 09:47:23 PM
I'm a bit dense, but ultimately trainable. Full E and AA. Well almost with Spiro. I'm not good with pill given all the other supplements I take. Spiro often gets the I'll get it later which never happened, treatment. And it does show with the ever darkening mood
Hi Joanne,
Sorry for the late response. I've cut my low dose Spiro in half. I just don't like the feeling. I'm getting a lot of feet and leg cramps. Seriously considering switching to low E instead. Thanks for all your comments.
Paige :)
Quote from: Tommi on November 30, 2015, 04:32:42 PM
Paige,
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm in much the same position as you are, with my wife fearing a transition and how it would affect her, and the kids, more than about what I'm feeling.
Hugs!
Thanks Tommi, I hope you find some solutions. The cards we were dealt doesn't make life easy to say the least.
Paige :)
She will never truly understand it I imagine because she is not trans. But remember that she may be hurting too, she may be depressed and in pain because of it all, and that is not her fault. She's not choosing to be "manipulative" or "blackmailing", she is struggling to cope with it. I find it extremely unprofessional that a doctor or therapist would say that someone having emotions is being manipulative. Is it a man by any chance? I find that sometimes men say that women are manipulative when they show emotions because they see women as weak. :(
I've been battling leg cramps all my life. Yes, Spiro does add to it a bit. However diet, timing of meals, and physical activity rules the roost. Many a day I drive a desk for a living. Most days I "Try" to get in a 4-5 mile walk to counteract that. Staying hydrated, especially towards the evening/bedtime is important. For whatever reason if I do my fruit smoothie say after 7:00 PM, I am guaranteed to have painful cramps near bedtime till say 4:00 AM. Oh, add in cold feet to the mix for that. Certain other foods will also trigger my cramps.
Quote from: SophieSakura on December 16, 2015, 05:04:28 PM
She will never truly understand it I imagine because she is not trans. But remember that she may be hurting too, she may be depressed and in pain because of it all, and that is not her fault. She's not choosing to be "manipulative" or "blackmailing", she is struggling to cope with it. I find it extremely unprofessional that a doctor or therapist would say that someone having emotions is being manipulative. Is it a man by any chance? I find that sometimes men say that women are manipulative when they show emotions because they see women as weak. :(
Hi Sophie,
Actually both of my therapists are women. I'm quite sure this has been very painful for my wife but she has had her way for almost 30 years. How exactly would you describe someone who gets distant and silent when they don't get their way? Basically treating their partner like crap unless they do things the way they want. A couple of months ago she stopped wearing her wedding ring. Sounds like manipulation to me. In a relationship there should be some give and take. I've given for years and now I just get a cold shoulder with absolutely no understanding.
Take care,
Paige :)
Quote from: JoanneB on December 16, 2015, 09:51:42 PM
I've been battling leg cramps all my life. Yes, Spiro does add to it a bit. However diet, timing of meals, and physical activity rules the roost. Many a day I drive a desk for a living. Most days I "Try" to get in a 4-5 mile walk to counteract that. Staying hydrated, especially towards the evening/bedtime is important. For whatever reason if I do my fruit smoothie say after 7:00 PM, I am guaranteed to have painful cramps near bedtime till say 4:00 AM. Oh, add in cold feet to the mix for that. Certain other foods will also trigger my cramps.
Hey Joanne,
With me the my calf muscles cramp every once in a while but it's my feet that really bug me. It just about drives me crazy when the arch of my foot cramps. I think you're right about hydration. I'll try drinking more water. I do work in front of a computer a lot and my desk isn't in the best part of the house. My legs tend to get cold. Lots to think about.
Thanks again for all your help,
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on December 17, 2015, 08:13:45 AM
Hey Joanne,
With me the my calf muscles cramp every once in a while but it's my feet that really bug me. It just about drives me crazy when the arch of my foot cramps. I think you're right about hydration. I'll try drinking more water. I do work in front of a computer a lot and my desk isn't in the best part of the house. My legs tend to get cold. Lots to think about.
Thanks again for all your help,
Paige :)
Potassium helps with leg cramps... eat more bananas. Seriously. :)
Quote from: Paige on December 17, 2015, 08:08:06 AM
Hi Sophie,
Actually both of my therapists are women. I'm quite sure this has been very painful for my wife but she has had her way for almost 30 years. How exactly would you describe someone who gets distant and silent when they don't get their way? Basically treating their partner like crap unless they do things the way they want. A couple of months ago she stopped wearing her wedding ring. Sounds like manipulation to me. In a relationship there should be some give and take. I've given for years and now I just get a cold shoulder with absolutely no understanding.
Take care,
Paige :)
I think in a sense, you and Sophie are both right. It is hard for spouses to deal with this sort of change. That causes various reactions, some of which are manipulative and protectionist, Many of these are both unfair and unloving which drives a wedge further between you.
One thing that i have found that helps deal with people we love in this mode, is to use a bit of therapy on them (particularly if they will not go to therapy), ask them to articulate their feelings and them make sure they see you validating them to a degree because they are pretty much valid. Then seek compromise if possible. Then agree to disagree but try to bridge this gap, by becoming more loving and supportive of each other in ways that are totally unrelated to the gender issue. That can often reduce the wedge.
Attending therapy together is still best, continue to lovingly encourage her in that direction.
Quote from: Paige on December 17, 2015, 08:08:06 AM
Hi Sophie,
Actually both of my therapists are women. I'm quite sure this has been very painful for my wife but she has had her way for almost 30 years. How exactly would you describe someone who gets distant and silent when they don't get their way? Basically treating their partner like crap unless they do things the way they want. A couple of months ago she stopped wearing her wedding ring. Sounds like manipulation to me. In a relationship there should be some give and take. I've given for years and now I just get a cold shoulder with absolutely no understanding.
Take care,
Paige :)
I was thinking that perhaps "Manipulative" is a little harsh and "Passive Aggressive" sounds so much more professional.
Quote from: Paige on December 17, 2015, 08:13:45 AM
Hey Joanne,
With me the my calf muscles cramp every once in a while but it's my feet that really bug me. It just about drives me crazy when the arch of my foot cramps. I think you're right about hydration. I'll try drinking more water. I do work in front of a computer a lot and my desk isn't in the best part of the house. My legs tend to get cold. Lots to think about.
Thanks again for all your help,
Paige :)
Oh I get them too in the foot, one mostly. Again dehydration and "Cooking" them when my feet are frozen and they wander onto my wife's side of the bed where the electric blanket is still cranked up awaiting her arrival.
Be carefull with too much potassium intake with spiro as it is a potassium sparing diuretic drug, which means it loves to make the body hold onto every bit of it. Too much potassium will mess with your heart rhythm.
BTW - I do my spiro in the morning because then all the peeing it brings on is when I'm very wide awake. (Sometimes the timing can be better ;D)
Although I don't experience a high level of dysphoria and I'm not going through an intense period, I do find it increasingly harder to relate to the person I see in my reflections. However, as I've handed in my notice and plan to take a break from working for a month while I get my CV, skills and qualifications up to scratch, I can see if I can eliminate the stress from my job as the source of my feelings. That said, my gender is on the back of my mind at the moment (and it has been since work went downhill considerably for me).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but in my opinion de transitioning is far worse than transitioning if you are certain your transgender.
Quote from: Vinyl Scratch on December 19, 2015, 05:04:14 PM
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but in my opinion de transitioning is far worse than transitioning if you are certain your transgender.
Yes. In overall, the process is irreversible.
barbie~~
I recently completed a 12 week group with about 20 or so transgender people. Some transitioning trans men and trans women, some questioning, some old, most young. For the most part I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. I thought this would give me some answers but just seemed to make me realize how hard this whole process is.
There was only one married person and she stop coming half way through. The other thing I found was that some were quite cliquey. Maybe I just wasn't authentic enough for them or maybe I was just too old. It could also be that I was quite guarded for most of it.
When I started I thought this would help me find my way but it seems to have confused me more than anything. For someone who is definitely transgender, I should have felt comfortable in this group but I felt incredibly awkward.
Thanks everyone for all the input. I'm still not really sure what I'm going to do. Still on spiro and dutasteride, not sure if I can progress anymore.
Take care all,
Paige :)
In my TG support group I am one of a pair of odd ducks. Everyone else has either transitioned or in the middle of it. Every newbie during the six years I've been there came in scared and clueless. Within several months full-time. It has only been the oldie tymers that are reluctant. Which usually isn't long between marriages collapsing after dropping the T-Bomb followed by the WTF, I lost everything that matters. Even my life means nothing anymore.
I totally understand your response to this group. Today's youth have barely no social impediments to transition or non-binary living. Plus being young you have no skin in the game of life. Making such a life change entails far less risk. Especially when you see no hope of a future and no past to hang on to.
I also suspect there was the overwhelming consensus that there is no other "Cure" besides transition so why fool around with anything else? As I try to get a younger member to grasp, there are plenty of reasons one can have to try or experiment with other methods to "Manage" the GD. Reasons such as a spouse, family, career, and other important aspects of your life you do not want to put at risk. Like trans v cis, if you don't have things like a wife, kids, a great career, somewhat functional family etc., you don't and really cannot "get it". There is no frame of reference for you.
Quote from: JoanneB on December 20, 2015, 04:28:21 PM
In my TG support group I am one of a pair of odd ducks. Everyone else has either transitioned or in the middle of it. Every newbie during the six years I've been there came in scared and clueless. Within several months full-time. It has only been the oldie tymers that are reluctant. Which usually isn't long between marriages collapsing after dropping the T-Bomb followed by the WTF, I lost everything that matters. Even my life means nothing anymore.
I totally understand your response to this group. Today's youth have barely no social impediments to transition or non-binary living. Plus being young you have no skin in the game of life. Making such a life change entails far less risk. Especially when you see no hope of a future and no past to hang on to.
I also suspect there was the overwhelming consensus that there is no other "Cure" besides transition so why fool around with anything else? As I try to get a younger member to grasp, there are plenty of reasons one can have to try or experiment with other methods to "Manage" the GD. Reasons such as a spouse, family, career, and other important aspects of your life you do not want to put at risk. Like trans v cis, if you don't have things like a wife, kids, a great career, somewhat functional family etc., you don't and really cannot "get it". There is no frame of reference for you.
Hi Joanne,
Once again you hit the nail on the head. I don't think anyone in that group had the slightest idea of where I was coming from. Even the coordinators didn't really understand, both trans but both were younger and single. If I was committed to transitioning it probably would have went better, but I just kept questioning myself. In many ways I feel more isolated as a result of this whole endeavor.
So I think what I've determined to do is just keep my head down for a while with no plans to transition. This last year has been just too hard. Mentally I just don't have the stamina to keep doing this. The spiro is taking a bit of the edge off, so hopefully I can do other things for a while.
I know it will always be there but I need to take a break. I'll still come to Susans, I'll still see my therapists, but that's it for now. I'm taking a mental health break. :)
Thanks so much your insights really help.
Paige :)
TBH, I have no "plans to transition". Dreams, sure. Plans? Survival or not? Easy one for me... today. Seven years ago, well can't say for sure.
Some days I feel like such a phony. That "I'm not really trans" or worse, "I'm not that trans". I've been getting hit with it a lot because of a new member in my group. An older person... mid 30's early 40 ish I think. The GD and anxiety so bad it's hard to function. No way has my GD ever felt that bad. One way or another I can persevere. Not do my job? Heck, it's the only thing I am good at. So maybe, just maybe, I am not really trans. Maybe.. I am just a CD :) ?
The fish slap of reality tends to come along knocking me into the lock.
Joanne, I know what you mean. My job also is one of the only thing I'm good at and gives me relief from the GD. It seems like one of the only times I forget or don't think about it.
If if want for the low dose E and antidepressants I would not function. I'm transgender. People deal with things in efferent ways. Distractions are good but I found things catchup to you over time
Hugs
Melanie
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: JoanneB on December 23, 2015, 08:11:51 PM
TBH, I have no "plans to transition". Dreams, sure. Plans? Survival or not? Easy one for me... today. Seven years ago, well can't say for sure.
Some days I feel like such a phony. That "I'm not really trans" or worse, "I'm not that trans". I've been getting hit with it a lot because of a new member in my group. An older person... mid 30's early 40 ish I think. The GD and anxiety so bad it's hard to function. No way has my GD ever felt that bad. One way or another I can persevere. Not do my job? Heck, it's the only thing I am good at. So maybe, just maybe, I am not really trans. Maybe.. I am just a CD :) ?
The fish slap of reality tends to come along knocking me into the lock.
Hi Joanne,
One thing I did learn from my group is that everyone is unique. There were quite a few gender-fluid individuals identifying as "them". It opened my eyes to the fact that too many people are worried about classifications. I'm who I am, if I don't fit in someone's neat little idea of what "Trans" is, well that's their problem.
The only thing I know for sure is that I have terrible body dysphoria. I have had it all my life and I'm walking a tightrope trying to deal with it and not disrupt my life too much.
Take care,
Paige :)
Don't feel bad about being a odd duck,i'm a really odd duck,don't do the bar scene,not wanting too be full time,don't care for hrt,even though I might have a hormone imbalance. I can go on and on but after yrs of dealing with my gd I found a balance that somewhat works,i also have a supportive wife that is fine with my dressing as long as I don't go overboard. But there are times i'm weary of being transgender.
Quote from: cheryl reeves on December 28, 2015, 12:37:12 PM
Don't feel bad about being a odd duck,i'm a really odd duck,don't do the bar scene,not wanting too be full time,don't care for hrt,even though I might have a hormone imbalance. I can go on and on but after yrs of dealing with my gd I found a balance that somewhat works,i also have a supportive wife that is fine with my dressing as long as I don't go overboard. But there are times i'm weary of being transgender.
Thanks Cheryl. It always helps to be reminded that there are many different paths, not just one.
Take care,
Paige :)