So recently I've taken steps to see a therapist and started to wear more feminine clothing around in public, but there are times where I fight with myself about all this. When I'm at home alone is when I absolutely feel this is right and this is who I am, but when I'm out with family, I think about whether I could be in that same situation but dressed as the real me and it makes me feel ashamed and dysphoric :'( I feel so trapped inside and I feel like I'm on autopilot in life and feel like I'm not strong enough mentally to take this on :-\ Sometimes I feel it's the clothes that makes me happy and I hate having to come out of them and put on this fake boy shell back on, but I don't want it to just be about the clothes. I honestly feel that transitioning would be the best thing, but how do I get past all these feelings of dysphoria? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has these feelings, but how did y'all get over this and continue through it? My therapist and I talked a lot about HRT and the way it works on the mind and how it could possibly get rid of these feelings of doubt, but I haven't been able to see her since I'm unemployed :-\ I just doubt myself so much and overthink and just am trapped inside my head =( I don't know how to get out!
lets start with a Hug
I have doubts and then I weigh them up against the knowledge I have about myself. Not what others have told me I am but what I know and feel. To have doubts is perfectly normal and help you to ask questions about yourself.
You know how you feel and you don't have to fit into anyone elses view of life but your own, you get to decide how you feel and how you will live your life, nobody else has the right to "choose" that for you.
"When I'm at home alone is when I absolutely feel this is right and this is who I am, but when I'm out with family, I think about whether I could be in that same situation but dressed as the real me and it makes me feel ashamed and dysphoric :'( "
Home is safe, when you are at home you are able to then be yourself?...of course you will? I used to have trouble just dealing with being dressed in private because of stupid "misconceptions" on my part, you may be feeling ashamed or guilty because you think society says it is not acceptable for you to present that way. This is all stuff I have and am working through along with many other issues as well. Sounds like you are feeling like most of us do when we explore all this stuff and at the end of the day when all the bull->-bleeped-<- is put aside it is very simple...I am not a boy I am a Girl.
Sarah T
Is there anywhere that may provide free counselling services near you. They may also have other resources you may be able to access.
The transition process is hard and it's a case of one road block after another. Staying the way you are is also hard. For me, dealing with the road blocks was worth it. I was able to put the old life in it's place and live a life where I no longer question who I am. You will have to place a value on each of the two roads ahead of you and decide which one you want to travel. This is a decision that only you are able to make and you will have to live with the decision. I vote for happiness, which ever road that is.
Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith to make a good decision. While it's possible to never leave the house these days, it's highly unlikely.
I started the same way and I think it's probably pretty common. It takes time to work through this after a lifetime of being reminded how wrong it is. It starts a little here and there, rushing to cover it up. After a while you start to live that way all the time at home and change to walk out the door. Soon you get tired of changing all the time and work up the courage to do little things like getting the mail, walking the dog, walking to the car. After a while, you realize nobody seems to care or if they do, they aren't mean enough to say anything to you and you start to try meeting up with friends as the real you, maybe some family members too.
That's when it really took off for me, when I started presenting that way to friends. They helped provide the courage I needed to do normal everyday things as myself, like going to the mall, getting gas, going to a restaurant, etc. Eventually I found the courage to do those things without them there simply because I had to. You're not going to know if you really need a transition if you only dress at home. It's scary, but you have to get out there. You will need to interact with society post transition and the only way to be sure you can handle that, is to actually try it.
Thank you everyone! I'm glad I'm not alone when it comes to all of this. I've always felt ashamed about these feelings and tried so hard to get rid of them but they have never ever gone away. It's hard to let it out when I have hid it for so long. I've been realizing that I have really hardened myself over the years, like I really hold back my emotions and feelings to the point where I really don't feel anything but anger and pain and sadness. It's hard to find the motivation and the drive for all this since I've lost all motivation over the years and have been on autopilot for so long =( I have been slowly adding more feminine attire to my everyday life, with some fairly good feedback. I really only go to class at the HS for my GED and since everyone is adults there they don't say anything hurtful or rude, I get nice compliments even though I've just worn leggings and had my nails done. The hardest part of all this is probably just worrying about how my family will react :-\ I really need some trans friends, but they all live far away and my town is super small so we have no trans resources here =( I'm in the process of bettering myself so I can start to transition more and find a trans friendly location to settle down in. I just need to get everything situated inside
The only "cure" is to accept yourself for who you are and live your own life, no matter who you determine that is. Anything else would involve brainwashing to remove key parts of your personality and memories.
Is it really worth it to not be yourself to make sure people that may not accept you will continue to like you? That's the question I asked myself in relation to my own family when I was trying to decide if I should transition.
Trans friends are great, but cis friends are even better in my opinion. I'm not sure what the allure is, but my cis female friends all seem more excited about my transition than I am. I've had more makeover and shopping requests than I ever imagined possible. Most of all, they've given me the confidence to be myself.
We're also much more common than you think, something I found out when I started telling people about me. Unless the average high school has a larger population than your town, there's a high probability that you're not alone there. They're probably doing the same thing you are, thinking they're the only one. Sometimes you have to go far to find the close one. It happened to me where the close one was very well hidden. They even sent a message a couple hours before each meeting to tell everybody where it was, so nobody outside the group could find it.