I'm currently in a bit of a bind. I "came out" to my parents in 2013 and they denied me being trans completely and I was forced to shut up and stay silent about it and lie to them that I wasn't "thinking about trans stuff anymore"
Flash forward 2 years forward and I just started college at age 19 over a month ago and I my desire to transition and start HRT has skyrocketed like crazy and I have almost all the tools I need to start HRT...save for money which means I need parental support. I'm planning on sending an email to my parents in a month explaining to them how bad everything has been for me and how much pain I've been in for the last couple of years ever since I started the road to finding out I was trans. However, I'm f**** terrified because I honestly have no idea how my parents are going to react.
I know my parents love me very much and I love them too but, I'm someone who expects the worse to happen so I'm absolutely batsh*t terrified that they're going to freak out and pull me out of college/stop helping me pay for my tuition so they can try and fix me again. Ive made so many friends, even transmen like me, at my college and they all support me and I love it here and the idea of just all of that being ripped from me terrifies me. Whenever I think about it I feel like I'm approaching the end of my life–that my depression is going to spiral down rapidly and I'm going to end up killing myself. I don't even know why I'm writing this I guess I just need words of encouragement or just ways to combat this fear. I've been having trouble sleeping and I've been crying myself to sleep for the past few weeks I'm so scared and I want to start testosterone so bad it hurts.
Any advice on how I should approach this or at least change my viewpoint?
Once you ask then you'll know the answer, it mightn't be what you want to hear, but then again it might be. Seriously, it is usually better to just jump in the deep end with this kind of thing - I know it is UTTERLY terrifying to talk about with parents but not asking seems to be having a significant impact on your emotional wellbeing. If they say 'yes' then great. If they say 'no' that would be extremely disappointing but it would clear your way to find a different path. At least you would know and would be able to proceed regardless - one way will be a bit harder than the other but who's to say it won't be the better way ultimately? I wish you all the very best. :)
This is an extremely difficult situation, and many of us have been in it before. Only you can choose the right path for yourself.
You're at a very difficult developmental stage: you're in the no-man's-land between teenagehood and the beginnings of adulthood. You've spent your entire life under your parents' thumbs and are only just figuring out how to be independent. This is perfectly natural... but when you're at this stage, it can be difficult to realise that your parents won't be able to influence your decision-making for much longer. Within the next few years you will be a fully-independent adult (scary, I know) and you'll be able to make any decision you want to... and your parents will not be able to stop you. They'll have no right to interfere. They may very well express opinions, but that's as far as that can go. So you need to decide whether it's safer to keep quiet whilst you're at college, or to do everything in your power to rush into taking T right now because you simply cannot wait any longer. Either way, there's a lot at stake.
The way I see it, you have a bunch of options available to you:
- You come out to your parents again and they react badly: you may have to quit college, possibly get kicked out of home, and try to scrape together a living whilst still needing to transition. Lots of us have done this and survived, but we wouldn't wish it on anyone.
- You come out to your parents again and they react well: you stay on at college, and perhaps they'll help you out with a bit more cash so you can afford hormones.
- You choose to wait until you've finished college before starting hormones: you can still transition socially at college (name change, hair cut, presentation, binding & packing etc.) with the full support & encouragement of your college friends. Then as soon as you get your first job, you can start your medical transition.
- You can assert yourself as a grown-up: tell your parents matter-of-factly that you have already started to transition at college. Let them know you love them & want their continued support, and that you'd like them to come on-board with you as you enter this exciting new phase in your life. But tell them that even if they deny you and decide not to support you, this is the reality of your life and it is something you need to do, so it will be happening whether they want it to or not. The only thing they can control is how they react to it.
- Ask at college whether there's a counsellor you could see who will help you get the medical attention you need. That way, you can get started without your parents' knowledge or permission (I presume this is legal where you are).
- You haven't mentioned where you are, but there are services available in various places. E.g. in the US there is Planned Parenthood, which can help you obtain hormones. In other countries, there are free hospitals and clinics in many centres that will do the same. Ask your LGBT friends at college who they see & where they go for their hormones, and see if you can do the same.
- Do some research to find a competent Gender Therapist in your area, and get an appointment to go & see them. If needs be, tell your parents that you're still not over the 'trans thing' and that you need to speak to this expert who treats people with the same 'problem'. Then get the therapist to help you explain the situation to your parents. Your folks are much more likely to believe this is a real thing when they hear it from an expert, rather than thinking you've been led astray by your 'crazy friends on the Internet' or whatever. The therapist can also help convince your parents that the best possible treatment is for you to transition, and that no amount of therapy/punishment/praying/whatever will make it go away.
I'm not surprised that your need to start T has skyrocketed if there are other trans guys at college: seeing other guys progress in their transitions when we're unable to even get started can be incredibly triggering. But bear in mind: transition isn't just medical (in fact, most trans people don't medically transition, but that's besides the point here). Transition is also mental, emotional, social, and if you're that way inclined, spiritual. So instead of focussing on T as being the ultimate goal, you could concentrate on all the other aspects of transition until you get to the stage where you can safely start T.
Good luck, whatever you choose.