So far I haven't been able to do much, but the tiny things I have done have prove to have great results. I don't yet have the funds for a binder, but I had a gift certificate that allowed me to get a couple of sports bras (I hadn't owned one for over a decade). And when I toss a sweatshirt over that (thank you cooler weather), I'm way more comfortable than I had been.
I've told my girlfriend and a few close friends. To mostly positive results. Though usually it's just been an "okay" without much comment.
A week or so ago, a delivery man called me "sir" when I'd just stumbled out of bed to answer the door in my pajamas. So I guess that's something to remember once I start facing the daunting task of living openly.
Though the biggest stride made (apart from telling people) was nothing conscious. It was a dream. My dreams tend to be rather involved stories (a result of being a writer of sorts, I suppose). So I won't go into the full details of it. But I was in this argument on behalf of a female friend with the friend's father. Righteous fury type stuff. And I shouted something along the lines of "I'm just glad I was never your son!" at him. Afterwards it was a lot of "oh god, I actually said that. He's gonna know, my friend's gonna know..." But I felt pretty great about it when I woke up.
Does anyone else have tales of their tiny first steps? I love hearing them.
My first steps were as genderfluid/genderqueer, so I'm not sure if it's exactly the same, but they led me to where I am now :) I had actually watched this short clip Ruby Rose made about gender fluidity and that caused me to buy a binder and then later on, a packer.
But then I realized that I probably wasn't genderfluid because I just felt horrible about the entire "female side". I did have a dream that I had had chest surgery and just woke up in my bed, looked at my chest and thought "huh, not bad". Then I woke up for real :P
Congrats on your first steps.
My first steps so far have been buying lots of boxer shorts lol it's a slight obsession. I cleared out my wardrobe and donated anything i don't want to wear again. I'm planning on buying a binder if/when i get some cash.
The thing is i think I'm nearly out of tiny steps and the only things left are the bigger ones...
Congrats, Thorhugs!
I'm in just about the same stages as you so I can relate to the excitement you're feeling. I'm only out to my girlfriend, therapist, and a couple of friends... oh yes... and ya'll.
I cut my hair short about a month ago and I got my first binder and packer recently. I'm thrilled with those purchases. It's hard to know how I was able to get on without them.
My little strides include growing out my leg, armpit hair, and eyebrows. I've also recently started a pretty intensive workout plan for myself to create more of a triangular shape in my shoulders and torso. I'm starting to see some results already, although I know there is still a long road ahead. I suppose that road is motivational for me.
I was called "sir" at the grocery store the other day for the first time which was cool. In the moment it felt odd but afterward it made me feel even more empowered.
One step at a time... Rock 'n' roll, brother \m/
Dude, proud of you.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
November Fox: I actually did something similar at first, though mine was more vague. I think it was me just not able to admit things to myself, saying my gender was just a shrug until I could finally accept that I wanted out of the female side of things entirely.
Peep: The binder's a big one. And I'm looking forward to having the funds for one myself.
Escher: Oh wow, a workout. Good luck, man. I'm still so far away from steps like that. I'm also a giant weenie when it comes to strenuous activity.
Captains: Thanks, bro!
And now, more tiny steps. I finally did a new self portrait (which I'm confident enough to use as my new icon here). It also marks the first time I've drawn myself without opaque lenses to hide my eyes. Whether that's more to do with my skill or my identity is anyone's guess.
I changed my gender listing for my profile, now that I'm not feeling so hesitant.
Part of that has to do with going on a job interview yesterday. Which is usually an utterly terrifying experience. But I decided to go with the more masculine side of things. I ditched any attempt at makeup (which always made me uncomfortable), did my hair up like it is in the portrait. Made my chest as flat as I could without a binder. I still had only a feminine cut button down to wear over slacks and boots. But for the first time in my entire adult life, I walked into an interview without being worried about my appearance.
That has me wondering if what I've been assuming to be social anxiety is in part something else. But that is a pondering for a completely different time and thread.
Quote from: thorhugs on September 27, 2015, 04:19:48 AM
That has me wondering if what I've been assuming to be social anxiety is in part something else. But that is a pondering for a completely different time and thread.
I think about this too...
Also: I came out to my mum, making a gp appointment tomorrow...
More small steps, more changes. It's been a pretty full week for me, I guess! I figure I'll keep using this thread for this stuff, cause I need somewhere to talk about it and don't want to make a bunch of threads.
I finally got some funds and bought my first binder. Decided on a GC2B tank binder after looking at reviews. I'm excited to receive it.
A slightly larger step: I came out to my online group of friends. And overall the reaction a complete and utter lack of surprise, but also super supportive. So that's good.
I'm also close to picking a new name for myself. There's one that's kind of stuck and resonated, but I want to run it by a few people first.
And another few small steps have been taken. Apart from the name thing (that I talked about in another thread), I came out to a few of my close friends to great results.
And I got my first guy underwear. Boxer briefs. They fit like I've always dreamed of underwear fitting! (Women's underwear never really felt comfortable). Now if only my job could start so I can replace all of my underwear!
I'm happy for you dude, it's nice to see other artists here. Keep up the baby steps, they're motivating to read.
afdssfsdsd I love boxers, you don't realize how sharp and scratchy all that lace stuff can be til you start wearing something else
Quote from: Peep on October 05, 2015, 10:11:25 AM
afdssfsdsd I love boxers, you don't realize how sharp and scratchy all that lace stuff can be til you start wearing something else
Seriously! I just wore the most basic cotton things, and still it chaffed me in rather tender areas. It was to the point of overall discomfort that I felt weird sleeping without shorts or pj pants. But last night I slept in just underwear and a teeshirt and it was amazing. There may yet come a day where in the dead heat of summer I won't roast because I can wear as little as necessary to bed!
Quote from: thorhugs on October 05, 2015, 11:22:40 AM
Seriously! I just wore the most basic cotton things, and still it chaffed me in rather tender areas. It was to the point of overall discomfort that I felt weird sleeping without shorts or pj pants. But last night I slept in just underwear and a teeshirt and it was amazing. There may yet come a day where in the dead heat of summer I won't roast because I can wear as little as necessary to bed!
Even the basic ones have to have these little frilly bits it's crazy...
I also think ladies panties seem to be tighter (and if you buy a size up they fall right off...) which is probably bad for the tender areas. Also, not always cotton. Sweaty.
I'm still weirdly happy about mens' jeans having pockets you can actually get your hand in
OH MAN. Yeah, women's underwear was always too snug. And was always cut wrong. Like, nope. It can't ever go on your waist, you obviously want it like down around your hips, right?
Thankfully, I gave up on women's jeans a long, long time ago. My body shape is already incredibly masculine (no hips, wide shoulders, etc) so I could never find women's jeans that fit right or felt comfortable. But now I wonder if that was less about body and more an early inclination of gender... BUT YES! Pockets are wonderful to have! Pockets big enough for a wallet or a phone!
I've only recently started wearing mens jeans (i actually only wore leggings for about four years, and they have no pockets...) and going out without a handbag is more freeing than i expected...
The closest I've ever gotten to a handbag is the messenger bag that I always carry. Which I am so looking forward to being able to have it sit comfortable against my chest, now. Because there is a binder that will be in my mailbox before the end of the day!
I had backpacks for uni but handbags for other things... it's useful to sneak food into the cinema tho, and i can fit a litre bottle of rum in my handbag...
And that's exiting! I ordered mine on saturday :3
And right after I posted that, it arrived! And it fit perfectly! And suddenly I understand all those posts about posture in a binder.....
Man, what's going to take some getting used to is how I look in the mirror. Without boobs, my gut looks bigger. BUT I've already started a better diet and exercise plan to help get rid of that. Already lost a few pounds!
What kind did you get? I ordered an underworks ultimate binder tank 'cause i heard the tritops roll up.
I would take the four pounds my boobs weigh on my gut instead any time lol
I got the GC2B tank. And it's super awesome.
I'd gladly give some of my extra pounds to anyone who needs it hahaha! The joys of neglecting yourself for years out of being so very uncaring about your body. Hopefully soon I'll be able to wear jeans that are 40 or smaller!
Just got an email that my binder's been shipped C: I'm going away in about a week hopefully it'll arrive before then >.>
OOh man! Good luck on that! The postal service is either super fast or super slow. I got mine in just a few days.
Now I need to decide if I'm going to wear it to my first day of work. We'll see if I can adjust to it today.
Yeah it's got to go from Miami across the atlantic so I'm not hopeful...
Are you out at work and stuff? i don't actually know when i can start wearing a binder if I'm not actually out out
I'm not out at work, but that's because it's my very first day tomorrow. But I thankfully live in a city where not binding one day then binding the next probably wouldn't even get noticed. At the interview they scared me cause the manager said they're very "conservative." Then clarified it just meant they don't want people to have like lime green hair.
Awh but didn't you want lime green hair...?
Now there would be a sight. I'd be like a beacon. XD
I actually (acidentally) had a lime green fringe when i was about sixteen... it was white, and then i put what i thought was an emerald green over it, and ended up with a sort of painful neon
troubled times indeed
i actually feel better about myself now remembering that
I think a lot of people did some really questionable things with hair at that age XD
For me it was mid-back length dyed maroon all over. Coupled with a bright yellow, overly baggy fleece, there are some amazing photos of me from that era that need to be burned ASAP.
Another step. Hung out with people who I also know online. My friend introduced me to their boyfriend as Colin, and kept using male pronouns. And it was a really odd moment of "wait, that's ME!" in a good way.
My roommate ruined it by tromping through, calling me by my real name and using female pronouns. But she's more careless and oblivious than malicious.
Colin, I'm really digging this thread. Congrats on finding your way.
Quote from: captains on October 06, 2015, 02:04:23 AM
Colin, I'm really digging this thread. Congrats on finding your way.
Thanks, man!
Today was my first day wearing my binder out in public. And I'm actually already used to it! No issues apart from remembering it takes a bit of extra effort to breathe sometimes.
I also used my new name at Starbucks this morning and it made me so happy to hear them call it. But that led to an awkward moment.
The usual receptionist was out, and a temp was sitting in for her. That temp's name is...Colin. So I had my coffee sitting next to me while going over paperwork and the HR lady asked me why I had the receptionist's coffee Oops. Given that this was the first day, I didn't know how to tell her. But she didn't even bat an eye when I told her it was just a name I gave them.
And I had another reminder to keep my doubts at bay. Usually it takes me at least a week or two to get settled into a job and not feel super exposed. But today, even before lunch I was perfectly comfortable. Sitting up straight, getting so into my work I forgot the outside world (which I normally can't do in a cubicle environment). That continues to be incredibly surreal as I've gone 30+ years of constant stress over my appearance and how I appear to people. And one realization and one small garment has shifted that from an 11 (out of 10) to about a 4.
And now I prepare for big steps. Like telling my mom....
I'm glad your new job's working out!
It almost DIDN'T today D:
I was too tired to sit up straight and started having issues breathing because of my binder. The first 2 days were fine! But I think it's cause of stress mostly, and the binder was just making it MORE difficult. But I've got to go without tomorrow just in case and try again on Friday.
Ahh oh no...
if you can get away without binding some days i maybe would tho
Speaking of! I'm trying mine out today... i want to practice before i wear it in public
So far I'm not getting any slippage though i have had to make it a bit shorter to stop it crumpling so much it shows through my shirt. it may actually be too big in places but there's no sending it back with the lower two inches missing... and much tighter and i think i might not be able to breathe...
I can't decide if I'm flat enough or not, it's like i suddenly can't remember what mens chests actually look like? lol
Quote from: Peep on October 08, 2015, 09:10:28 AM
Ahh oh no...
if you can get away without binding some days i maybe would tho
Speaking of! I'm trying mine out today... i want to practice before i wear it in public
So far I'm not getting any slippage though i have had to make it a bit shorter to stop it crumpling so much it shows through my shirt. it may actually be too big in places but there's no sending it back with the lower two inches missing... and much tighter and i think i might not be able to breathe...
I can't decide if I'm flat enough or not, it's like i suddenly can't remember what mens chests actually look like? lol
I'm not completely flat in mine, but way more than with a sports bra that's for sure. But that's good, because as heavy set as I am right now, it would look really weird to be super flat up top.
Word of caution: Don't wear your binder when you're super tired. I found out that's the issue with mine. I'm just too exhausted for the additional breathing effort. Which is minor when I'm properly rested, but major when I'm on 5 hours sleep trying to get through a work day.
And now some other stuff!
This transition has given me the fuel I needed to start a proper diet. I'd been trying for YEARS to eat better, and once I came out to myself, it wasn't even a question anymore. I'm passed the rough adjustment patch and apparently can't even make myself eat some of the trash I was eating just a month ago. My big treat used to be ice cream. And today I couldn't even push myself to have a spoonful, despite being hungry.
I've also had another dream! Further proof that I'm headed in the right direction. In the past, if I would see myself in the dreams, I wasn't myself. I was a character or another person. But never myself in any form if I could see myself. But in this dream, I was looking at myself in the mirror. And it was ME. It was Colin, the person I WANT to be. I'd some how dropped a lot of weight, and my chest was flat. Like it had just happened over night and I was marveling at it.
But even more impressive is that I was looking at myself, in the mirror, without a shirt on. Which is not something I can do in real life currently. I am physically unable to do it. If I have to go in front of the mirror for some reason I shield my face so I can't see myself.
I hope this dream means good things for me.
I'm also getting more comfortable as openly referring to myself as a guy. I'm so fresh off of fearing people would know this about me that I'm still getting used to it. But it feels good.
So, today, I took a couple of big steps. Starting with coming out to my mom. Turns out she already knew. Well before me. Claiming she knew since I was a teenager. And looking back on some things she's said in the past, I'd believe it. She's always pushed the "I'll accept and love you no matter what" thing with me way more than with my sisters.
I also came out across all of my social media. Given that only a month ago, I found my way here so timid and afraid of myself that the very idea of anyone I knew even finding I was thinking about this stuff froze me to my core. At that time, as I tentatively started to accept myself, I thought it would be on a timeline of many months before I could even tell my closest friends. And even when I did start to tell my close friends about it, just saying the words "I am trans" was impossible for me. It's still a little difficult because it feels so final. But not in the way it did at first. More "this is it, this is the moment I've been waiting for" than "oh god what if it's not right."
One thing I'm finding I have difficult shifting myself on is how I phrase things. I'm still incredibly passive when it involves asking anything of anyone. Like in saying I want them to call me Colin and use male pronouns. But I blame years worth of professional and polite communications for drilling that into me.
And then sometimes not all of those tiny first steps are great.
First, I found out why I was having such an issue with my binder, even after it was awesome at first. I was getting sick! Adding compression when it was already difficult to breathe was just not a good plan. So I had to spend a week not wearing my binder at all. Which I thought I'd be okay, I wasn't that used to it anyway.
But it wasn't okay. And I had my first resurgence of dysphoria. Mine is the subtle kind that creeps in with whisper of "why bother?" Even as I shook the illness I still fell like crud. But then I was feeling better so I put my binder on again, and went out with some friends for a bit and felt so much better.
And where previously I wasn't all that self conscious of my chest, that's starting to set in, now. So that's fun.
Yeah I can't decide if i like binding or not, it's not 100% flat so that last bit is almost more annoying than not binding. It's weirdly more comfortable than any bra i've ever owned though.
I just keep thinking I've probably still got a minimum of two years binding and it's pretty daunting. :C
Sorry to come into your thread and be all negative but yeahhh
It's pretty daunting, Peep, but time has a funny way of passing without you noticing it. I used to be in your position, knowing how far away surgery would be for me, and now I'm on a waitlist to schedule. No idea where the time went, but I'm glad it did. You'll get there someday :) For me, binding's infinitely better than not, whenever I'm around basically anyone but my s/o. Even though it's not the most comfortable thing, you do get used to it, I promise.
I'd like to bind all the time but I'm worried about my skin and lungs lol
Also i can't see that binding at the gym would work, i don't fancy passing out on the rowing machine
I know everyone says this but I just wish I'd started this process five years ago when i first thought about it.
Peep, I understand that worry completely. If I have to do anything more physically exerting than walking up stairs, doing it in a binder is awful. I was helping move a new roommate in yesterday, so I couldn't wear it and opted to wear a baggy hoodie on a really warm day instead. And then I had an awkward moment where I had to take the hoodie off because I didn't want to ruin it.
If it had just been the new roommate at the time, I would have been fine, because he's trans too. But he had a friend over. And despite wearing a teeshirt, I felt more exposed than if I'd had my shirt off entirely. It was the first I'd felt anything like that, too. It was a strange moment. But still, I suppose better than trying to wear my binder while hauling boxes around and passing out.
It sucks being sensible haha
Quote from: Peep on October 26, 2015, 10:06:28 AM
It sucks being sensible haha
And then I wasn't so sensible. I decided damn it, I'm gonna wear my binder and feel awesome all day......I'm still a little bit sick. Note to self: Don't wear a binder for extended periods when your breathing is already restricted.
Ahaha, been there, got that chest problem t-shirt. It sucks.
I'm starting to hate being female at the gym... the TV wasn't working so I asked staff and she went off 'to find a man to fix it'... come on lassie even if i was a cisgirl I'd be disappointed, don't drag me down with u
And then I was really dumb and decided to use the stairs instead of the elevator. While still not entirely adjusted to my binder. And with mid-grade congestion.
BUT! I forgot to share that I've had another dream! Something I need to remember next time the "why bother"s sink in and I doubt my name choice.
So, my new roommate is a transguy as well, so a part of this dream was weirdly unfounded. A few days ago, we decided to keep a calendar by the door so we can keep track of plans and stuff. In the real world, we haven't added anything to it yet. In the dream, he'd written all kinds of stuff in ballpoint pen, using my legal name to mark my stuff. I got pissed and with a big, black felt marker wrote "COLIN" in big bold letters over every instance of the name.
I'm gonna take that as clear and obvious symbolism that means I'm on the right path.
Chopped my hair, and started referring to myself by a nickname which is definitely not female. I also started to completely refer to myself as male online.
aaand here i am!
Quote from: thorhugs on October 05, 2015, 06:16:27 PM
I think a lot of people did some really questionable things with hair at that age XD
For me it was mid-back length dyed maroon all over. Coupled with a bright yellow, overly baggy fleece, there are some amazing photos of me from that era that need to be burned ASAP.
Sorry but this made me laugh out loud :D
oh god once I tried to dye my hair blonde because I thought 'they have more fun' and it turned out to be a mix of ginger blonde by the end of it
Quote from: Peep on October 05, 2015, 05:47:56 PM
Just got an email that my binder's been shipped C: I'm going away in about a week hopefully it'll arrive before then >.>
Peep,
good luck for your binder!
Quote from: jingling_void on October 28, 2015, 02:53:52 PM
Peep,
good luck for your binder!
I got it a few weeks ago and with some slight modding it's been good! Though I'm already planning buying my next one if i can scrape together the funds
Quote from: jingling_void on October 28, 2015, 02:52:29 PM
Sorry but this made me laugh out loud :D
oh god once I tried to dye my hair blonde because I thought 'they have more fun' and it turned out to be a mix of ginger blonde by the end of it
that's what toner's for (if you ever get the mad idea again ;) )
Quote from: schwarzwalderkirschtort on October 28, 2015, 05:04:18 AM
Chopped my hair, and started referring to myself by a nickname which is definitely not female. I also started to completely refer to myself as male online.
aaand here i am!
Those are very important steps! That hair chopping feels so good, doesn't it?
One of my early steps, before really even coming out to myself, was doing that. I used the excuse of an over-heated summer to go shorter than I've ever gone, I had my friend help me buzz most of it off into an under cut. And it felt amazing. It was in part due to the summer before my girlfriend at the time teasing to make my hair look like my favorite character (a rather typical masculine haircut) and I couldn't make myself tell her I actually wanted it that way.
I guess it's good and bad that short hair is fashionable for women - on the one hand it's not a controversial step but it also means we still get ID'd as female lol
Quote from: thorhugs on October 29, 2015, 08:49:33 PM
Those are very important steps! That hair chopping feels so good, doesn't it?
One of my early steps, before really even coming out to myself, was doing that. I used the excuse of an over-heated summer to go shorter than I've ever gone, I had my friend help me buzz most of it off into an under cut. And it felt amazing. It was in part due to the summer before my girlfriend at the time teasing to make my hair look like my favorite character (a rather typical masculine haircut) and I couldn't make myself tell her I actually wanted it that way.
ah, the hair chop is the best part! I remember when I was little I used to always grip my hair and pretend my fingers were scissors and "cut" it off. It's still not the way I want it to be, but i think i wouldn't pass if my hair were shorter to be honest...
Quote from: schwarzwalderkirschtort on November 01, 2015, 04:23:23 AM
ah, the hair chop is the best part! I remember when I was little I used to always grip my hair and pretend my fingers were scissors and "cut" it off. It's still not the way I want it to be, but i think i wouldn't pass if my hair were shorter to be honest...
I used to do the same thing :). I remember I was around 10 and went to the hairdressers wanting a boy's haircut. No idea where that idea came from, I guess I thought it would make me feel more comfortable. But after looking through the WOMEN'S hairstyle book (bit confused as to why I was given that) showing women with various short haircuts I gave up as I didn't look like the people in that book. So I got my hair cut to shoulder length again. For me it's less about passing than it used to be bcos that can be an unhealthy obsession. I enjoy having my hair short bcos it's something I can control about myself while I wait for hormones which is in other people's hands. I also got an undercut but decided to get a bit more of a fem version this time. Plus I look damn handsome with short hair ;)
Quote from: Peep on October 29, 2015, 04:35:13 PM
I got it a few weeks ago and with some slight modding it's been good! Though I'm already planning buying my next one if i can scrape together the funds
that's what toner's for (if you ever get the mad idea again ;) )
that's true :P
Think I might stick to purple & also in the same situation need a new binder
I'd like one to wear while the one i've got's in the wash. :P
Quote from: Peep on November 01, 2015, 10:34:46 AM
I'd like one to wear while the one i've got's in the wash. :P
^
this
I think I might have to get remeasured as not sure if the current binder I have is big enough : <
Wow, things have been crazy busy. But I was finally able to shake the last of that awful cold. Getting horribly sick when you get your first binder is not an advisable course of action. Just so you know.
But as of this week, I declare myself finally used to wearing a binder. I'm no longer constantly aware of it being there, I'm getting more and more comfortable. The other day I was hauling stuff up and down stairs while wearing it and take the stairs every morning at work without issue.
In less than two weeks I will begin the process of coming out at work. They decided to keep me on permanently, so when I go into HR to sign on the paperwork, I'm going to talk to her about it. That's scary but also exciting. It means no more living part time. Which is honestly starting to make me uncomfortable. I've almost corrected people at work for using my legal name, or calling me "she." I've dropped a few hints but nothing obvious.
Most of what I have to do now are the big steps. Getting proper insurance, finding a therapist, getting hormones.
good luck, thorhugs! i hope everything works out for you
Best of luck, Colin!