I used to be able to go to therapy but my mom decided to not let me continue to go to therapy because she doesn't support me. She's not the only one. My whole family doesn't support or accept me. I turned 20 on Friday. I hid in the bathroom for an hour so I wouldn't have to be forced to call my grandmother. Every year for my birthday she says the same thing "you're a young lady". I was hoping to start a new chapter now that I'm in my twenties. I wanted to put my foot down and tell my mom no. They can't relate to how I feel. They never had to be misgendered their whole lives and be forced to live life as the opposite sex. So I'm pretty sure an argument would have started if I would have refused to talk to her. As my mom gave me her phone to talk to her I saw a screensaver she has saved on her phone for the past six years. It's a photo of me when I was fourteen. I was getting my picture taken that day for something for school and I was forced to wear my pony tail down. I saw the picture and my heart dropped. My grandmother called me a young lady and before she could get lady out of her mouth I pulled the phone away from my ear. My family took me out to eat tonight and the SAME thing always happens when I go out to eat. It's like I get drawn into a deeper depression and dysphoric state. I've been battling depression since I was 10 years old. I have struggled with contemplating suicide since I was fifteen. Since then not a single day goes by when I don't think of suicide. So when I have those moments with my family when we go out to eat or it's a holiday or vacation I think about whether or not this is our last moment together. Having my father make my mother, sister, and I order before him hurts. I'm celebrating another year that went by where I'm still not able to live my life and be recognized as male. For some reason my mom always senses when I'm hurting more than usual so she starts asking questions and getting overbearing. She does it with a smirk on her face. I don't understand her. I'm trying to get my life in order. I'm not even in college yet. I went home and cried. I feel so weak for crying because I have cried at least twice a week since I was fifteen. I'm twenty now. If you do the math that is a lot of tears. I can't even hold it inside. The tears come anyway. What kind of life is this? I'm twenty years old. I should be in college and enjoying life. Not worrying about whether or not I can make it through the week. It's gotten harder. I'm taking one day at a time. I have decided not to discuss anything to do with being trans with my family any longer. They have made it clear that they will not accept it and will not help me financially. I know we live in a time right now where being trans is seen as a choice by some people or it's normal for families not to accept this. I feel like people who think like that are in an illusion. And the reality is that I am in so much pain that ending my life seems so much better than living. But what can I do? I am trying to keep my mind preoccupied so I won't think. Pain and depression has become my best friends. I am so used to feeling it that I think about life without depression and it seems weird. Life without crying on my pillow like a baby curled up in a ball seems like a fantasy. I feel comfortable in my pain. I wish I had a therapist to talk to. Even though pain and depression hurts I know how I am going to feel tomorrow when I wake up. I know every part of my body is going to ache. I know my depression is going to tell me I'm worthless and that I should die. And I will agree with it. I know I am probably going to cry in the afternoon or late at night when everybody is sleeping at some point. And the cycle repeats. This is just my rant. I haven't vented In a while. How do you feel like your life matters in a world where your own parents don't want to help you when they can clearly see you're hurting? I don't know... I don't know or understand anything anymore.
When I began my transition I went out to dinner with my family, and when the waitress brought the drinks, she said "Here you go young man" to me. My grandma corrected her and said "oh no that's a girl." I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. The only comfort I can really give you is that you aren't alone. So many trans people go through exactly what you're going through right now. As for not being able to transition, you won't always be in the family/financial situation you are now. You'll be able to leave this place and never look back. There are financial programs in lots of countries and states that can help you access HRT and SRS. If you're worried about running out of time, don't be. People transition at every stage of life. Some people don't transition until much later. It isn't a race, it's for whatever pace you need to go at. It will always be there waiting for you. I'm so sorry that you are in a place like this right now. This must be so difficult and exhausting. But maybe it's time to find help. Below is a list of suicide hotlines, text lines, and a trans specific line. Don't be afraid to call. People are waiting specifically to listen and to aid you in whatever way that they can.
And utilize us as a resource. If you are struggling in your transition, with your family or in your relationships, we are here to help in anyway that we can. You can message me, anytime for any reason.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1(800)273-8255
Lifeline Crisis Chat
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx
International Lifelines
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
Trans Lifeline
US: +18775658860
Canada: +18773306366
Sending love and light.
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I don't know what country you live in , but 18 is the legal age in the US. You can seek out therapy on your own. You just need to do some research on availability of counseling options through a clinic or hospital and or an LGBT center.
Is your family providing you with anything that you couldn't get on your own? In situations where you feel like they don't get it, will not make an effort to get it, and probably will not ever get it, I encourage people to leave the situation for the sake of their mental health.
You're 20. If you're not already working or in school, you should make an effort to start one (or both) of those things. Save up some money and move out. As an adult, you have the ability to say whether or not your family should be a part of your life. If they don't make you happy, aren't providing you with any resources that you need, and are negatively impacting your mental health, I don't see why you would stay.
Don't give in to the overwhelming despair that your unsupportive family has on you. You are your own person, and although they might not accept you now, in the long run they will realize its their loss for not have helping you earlier. Focus on finding support of any kind. Whether it be from a local LGBT support group, friends, co-workers, or online friends. By joining Susan's you already have taken the initiative to seek support and I'm so proud of you for doing so. There is a life full of happiness out there waiting for you as your true self. You can do it if you keep your head held high and focused on your goals. Save up as much money as you can with working and if you can, try having your family help with your finances if you're going to college. It can be tough, but getting a degree might just be the ticket to living as your true self and being financially stable so you wont have to rely on your family. I know you can do this, you just have to believe in yourself and remember that this incredible sadness and pain will not last forever. You are already so strong! There is hope down the road, you can succeed against all odds, and you can achieve anything you set your mind towards. :)
Sorry you're feeling so down. :(
I'm not sure what the age of majority is where you are but you're certainly an adult by my reckoning. As others have said, that means it's time to start figuring out how to live your life as an adult.
Easier said than done, eh?
The transition between childhood and adulthood is a difficult one; I would say it's on par with the transition from female to male. It takes
years for you to establish yourself as an adult, and it's done in small, incremental stages. Just as it takes years to fully establish yourself as a man. ;)
Here's the thing: when you transition from f to m, nobody tells you exactly how to be a man; you have to figure it out for yourself. Sure, there are plenty of resources out there that you can learn from, but there's nothing quite like practical experience to help you figure out what kind of man you are. Likewise,
nobody fills you in on how to be an adult. Nobody gives you permission to start doing things your own way... especially not your folks, who have their own vested interests in keeping you under their thumb. So do you want to know how to adult? There's only one way to do it: you have to
take your independence, because nobody's going to give it to you. You start with little things, and you do them one at a time. And each one you succeed at doing will make you feel slightly better about yourself. Eventually, that will add up to you feeling a lot more confident, and at that point you can tackle the big things.
So there are quite a few little things you could start with:
- Go back to your original therapist or find a new one - but this time, book your own appointment. You are not a child any more and you don't need your mother's permission to see a therapist, or any other professional you choose. You could ask for a phone consultation if you have trouble getting to their office. As you are an adult your family has no right to attend the appointment. Tell your therapist that you want the sessions to be confidential and you don't want your family there because they're abusive towards you. That way, if your folks insist on coming with you, you can get your therapist to tell them to wait in the waiting room. ;)
- Look into colleges and make a decision about which one you want to attend, and what you'd like to study. If your folks are still saving up, that's great - but look into scholarships and lower-cost courses if there's any chance your folks might refuse to fund you. Alternatively, look for a job and earn your way out of this situation.
- Do everything in your power to transition as much as possible whilst waiting for hormones. If you haven't already done so, cut your hair; buy a binder; use a packer; throw out any female clothes and replace them with male clothes; change your toiletries; stop shaving; do some weight training etc.
- You could practise Gandhi's principle of 'passive resistance': simply refuse to play along with your family's nonsense. E.g. don't answer to your birth name; only respond to the correct pronouns; refuse to accept anything feminine that is bought for you; and if your grandmother starts calling you 'young lady', interrupt her and say "Let me stop you right there: I'm a young man and I am not prepared to be called a 'young lady'."
- You could stop looking to the past, and start looking to the future. Sure, you've been waiting 20 years to be the authentic you, and it's incredibly painful to look in the mirror and see the wrong image every day. But instead of thinking of the years gone by, think about (and plan for) the next few years ahead: by the time you're 25, you'll have moved out of home and may even have completed college. You might be working in whatever field you choose. And you'll be in the process of transitioning, I guarantee it. Picture yourself at 25, and hold on to that thought. It will become your reality. Do you really think your folks will still be getting away with this nonsense when you're a 25-year-old man? Or when you're 30? or 40? Of course they won't! ;)
- You have selected a name for yourself: so use it wherever you can. Start with places like Starbucks etc. (where they ask for your name when you order); get your friends and perhaps your therapist to use it. Then when you feel more confident, insist that your family starts using it too.
- Spend as much time as possible with people who validate you, even if it's just us lot. And find a local LGBT youth group that you can join so that you can be around people who understand & support you. That'll make your family's current non-acceptance easier to cope with, and you may pick up some useful tips to help you cope. In time, your folks should come around. But even if they don't, there will be other people who love you.
Scary stuff? You're right, it is: this is the reality of becoming an adult. But it gets easier with time, and each small success will make things that little bit better for you. And in a couple of years' time, when you've been on T for a while and are fully established in your male identity, your family will look like idiots if they try to refer to you as female.
If your family doesn't support you, do as much stuff as you can away from them. You're right to not talk about it in front of them at the moment, if that's going to start arguments: just keep pushing forward in the right direction and they'll be forced to catch up eventually. My family is also very unsupportive, so I've learned to not rely on them for support. I'll stand on my own two feet if I have to.
Hey dude, that is SUPER rough. But I do agree with the general commentary- are you able to coax a friend if you don't have a car? Is there public transport you can take? I feel like you can get around this. There are low cost therapists and sometimes they can do Skype? You may be able to do it at home in private?
I hate to say to deceive your parents, but... a queer advice columnist recommends to his readers who are stuck by their parents supporting them to keep as much as they can on the downlow. Get through college if they are paying for it, go to therapy whenever you can and then get off their bankroll as fast as possible. Save your money if you work, look around at your options and see what you can do.
Theoretically, we as adults are technically free to do ANYTHING we can legally. The thing that stops us most often is thinking we can't do it, or thinking that there is only one way to obtain our goals.
I am really sorry that your family can't or won't accept your gender dysphoria. When parents are on the fence, I usually say get them to a counselor who will explain what is going on. Since your family is being stubborn, they probably wouldn't go, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.
You may be better off getting out of the house. If you can't afford an apartment by yourself, see if there is a transgender group in your area with a member who is looking for a roommate. The longer you live with all the betrayal at home, the more damage its going to do to your self esteem.
There are counselors who will work pro bono or for very cheap, as in thirty a week for people who just don't have the money or insurance. You may have to do some digging on the net, but you should be able to find one. If not, then ask the closest transgender group.
Remember, you have done nothing wrong. Your family's denial is their hangup. Don't let it tear you to shreds. Gender dysphoria is not something you choose or can be treated to go away. I wish you weren't in the position you are, but you need to get out. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste anymore time than you have to living in the midst of denial, betrayal and ignorance. You may love your family, but that doesn't mean you have to let them kill you slowly.
sam1234