For those that haven't read my introduction just leaving my house to go shopping locally is a real nightmare for me due to my OCD and agoraphobia that I have had since early 2002. Since getting therapy for this in spring 2014, it has gotten better to the point where I am able to leave my house 2 or 3 times a week, which is way better than once in 18 months before. I go out in "boy" mode and if I ever get the courage to put a picture in my profile, you'll see why.
I would say I dress sort of neutral in polo shirts, baggy jogging bottoms and trainers...I mean sneakers for you all over the other side of the pond. Whenever I would go out I would always put my hands in my pockets, hunch my shoulders, look at thew floor and try to swaggering as "manly" (yuck) as possible with a large stride. I observed something last week but didn't pick up on until I went out earlier today. I started to walk differently. My strides were shorter, my knees a bit more close together, I was looking up to see where I was going and a slight swing of my arms. When I was in the convenience store looking at the shelves, my left leg has a slight bend to it and my foot turned inwards slightly. Now I usually stand like a gun fighter about to draw in those western movies.
I am very self conscious when I go out and although I knew what was going on, I did not try to "correct" it. Ever since I was young and can remember wanting to be a girl, I have run away from it. I am still running, just not as fast. It's like every so often I get a nudge in the ribs that says "hey you, you can't keep running forever. I am here and won't go away."
There isn't a point to this post other than I just needed to share. Thanks for reading.
I'm glad your therapy for agoraphobia seems to be working so well for you. A couple of questions if I may...
If the thing you're running away from never gets any further away, why is it following you? If you're running away from what you want more than anything, where are you running to and is it better or worse?
I was brought up with the boys were boys and girls were girls. And anything else was wrong. I guess I have been running away from the feminine side of me, thinking or hoping that if I run long enough that it will go away. It doesn't and I know it never will. And I am so scared of change, it's so alien to me. Most days I deal with the way I am fairly ok (or so I think).
I am noticing subtle changes within me and I am ok with that for once. I am just not leaping headfirst into anything as I am still trying to wrap my head around it all. Hope that makes some sense.