Hi everyone,
I'm pretty desperate at the moment and could use some help as I've been questioning my sexual identity lately and its eating me up alive. It's important to know that I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, way before this thought popped up in my head. I'm a 26-year-old female and have been OCD about being transsexual for the last 3-4 weeks. I'm seeing a therapist for the anxiety, but I opened up to her about my new worry that I've been obsessing about.
First of all, I should tell you a little bit about myself. Ive always identified as a woman, have never questioned my gender until lately.
When I grew up, I was what people consider a "tomboy". I played with pretty much everything, ranging from cars to barbies, dolls, Lego, everything. I was happy as a child and always wanted to be like the boys, had short hair and played soccer. When I hit puberty, this changed, though. I grew my hair and had more girlfriends. I've always been very extroverted, a chatterbox. My favourite subjects in school were languages. I sucked at everything science. I was never really the typical girl, and my family always compared me to my very feminine cousins. I did wear dresses and skirts, but I never wore nail polish or spent a lot of time in the bathroom. But lots of guys were into me regardless. I knew from an early age on, though, that I was bisexual, leaning more towards being into women, though. I've only been with men in real life, though, however, I could never open up to them sexually. It wasn't because of my body, but a mental thing. I guess lots of women experience that.
Anyway, I did something that I'm not really proud of and feel guilty about, which lead me to the thought that I might be transsexual. I posed a man online, a guy I was in love with, to chat with girls and form romantic online relationships. I did this for a while. Of course it was easy, because I was anonymous. I stopped doing that, though, and told my therapist as well as the girls about it.
My therapist thinks I might have been shy and this was a safe way to experiment for me, however, since my anxiety makes me believe anything horrible and makes me catastrophize a lot, out of nowhere, the thought of being transsexual popped up in my head and I haven't been able to get rid of it for a while now.
Out of fear, I've already involved my family and told them under tears that I might be trans to which they said it wasn't a problem, but that didn't decrease my anxiety. I keep seeking reassurance from friends who all confirmed to me that I strike them as very feminine, and they're right as far as some of my mind is concerned. I'm a feeler, extremely emotional, anxious, musically and artsy talented, love languages and my appearance is very feminine, however, sometimes I feel so masculine because I like soccer, talk like a boy, don't sit cross-legged. My anxiety is high and makes me feel like I've just been fooling myself and test myself everyday to check if I still feel comfortable in my own body. And I just don't knkw anymore! The anxiety makes me believe anything. I told my friends that my online relationships with women must be proof that I'm a transsexual who was leading a double life. They doubt that, and so does my therapist, but I'm ready to believe anything and feel so torn.
My question is, how and when did you guys find out you were trans and how were you feeling inside? Did your anxiety go down once you found out? Mine is super high when thinking of getting my genitals replaced and I cry every night and have been obsessing about this. I don't know who I am anymore. Did I just not notice that I was trans? I'm so scared of this it freaks me out.
Could you please share your experiences? I'd be extremely grateful.
PS: I forgot to mention that my therapist also believes I have difficulties opening up to men because I never knew a stable relationship between a man and a woman. I grew up without a father, my mom and my grandma raised me. My moms parter was an abusive and sick guy who never accepted me as a person let alone his daughter. Their relationship was never harmonic either.
I've also never had real life sexual contact with women. And that's what scares me. Is it because I'm too shy or because I could only be with a woman if I was a guy?
I have zero trust in myself because of the anxiety, so it makes me believe anything at the moment. Especially terrible things.
Oh, boy. First of all, let me open this by saying hi! I just posted a thread of my own about OCD. (You can find it here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196895.0.html) So, I get you. I really do.
I can tell you're super anxious right now, which really sucks. Believe me, I know how awful it can be to feel trapped in that "what if, what if, what if" cycle. When I first started questioning my gender, I would hours of my life dissociatively cataloging my body, hoping to somehow quantify my gender. I was OBSESSED with the idea of a definitive test that could conclusively prove whether or not I was trans. I felt like it was the only thing that would relieve my distress.
I was wrong. For me, time helped.
1. My dumb OCD brain decided to latch onto some other stupid problem. ("What if I don't have OCD at all, and I'm actually psychotic?" Short answer: I'm not.)
2. It took a lot of time, work, and emotional energy, but I actually did come to accept myself as a trans person. Obviously, I still wonder if this has been OCD all along -- otherwise, I wouldn't have started that one thread! -- but after I had worked through my feelings of shame about being trans, I found that the thought of living my life as a man made me feel relief, not anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety about inconveniencing people, about making mistakes, about living outside of binary norms... but I wasn't scared of changing my body. I got a thrill of pleasure at the thought of disappearing and reappearing again in an XY body. I happily imagined myself "swapping" with men on the street. That panic? The pants-pooping terror over potentially discovering that I was Bad (read: trans, gay, a pedophile, an abuser, a racist... whatever your brain has locked on to)? It wasn't there.
QuoteDid your anxiety go down once you found out? Mine is super high when thinking of getting my genitals replaced and I cry every night and have been obsessing about this. I don't know who I am anymore. Did I just not notice that I was trans? I'm so scared of this it freaks me out.
I won't tell you how to identify, and certainly you might find that, like me, you actually were trans, but this sounds like OCD to me. Actually, this whole thread reads like an intrusive, ego-dystonic thought. :D I know, because I literally just posted this:
Quote from: captains on October 03, 2015, 04:18:31 AMI have a hard time trusting it, though. I have a hard time trusting ANYTHING my brain tells me.
... I'm pretty sure that you can relate!
Anyway, hope I helped a little. I'm here for any questions if you want to talk.
I would add that there's also the possibility that you might be more non-binary than fully trans - you don't have to be fully male or fully female - remember that not all binary transpeople have GRS. Maybe experimenting with dress etc could help you decide.
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Everyone is different and being trans is a spectrum. Most trans do not have GCS for a host of reasons.
A good gender therapist may be able to help you sort out a lot of your gender questions. Group would also allow you to see a diverse spectrum of trans.