Its been a few years since Ive been on Susans, but here I am. Ive been having increasing thoughts of retransitiong to a female identity. I wouldnt call it detransition because I wouldnt be going back, Id be going forward to a new identity. However im not sure if its the right choice. Just wanting some input on how you see the situation.
The reasons for transition are mostly social. My mother recently died and my family has since went seperate ways, so in a way I lost my entire family. I never wanted kids, but now I think I do. I want a family that shares my dna and the only way is giving birth.
I dont feel it would be acceptable for me to give birth while identifying as male. Also, Im attracted to men, so even if I got over the birth thing I would have a gay family. I guess its been pounded into me that being gay is unacceptable, especially a gay family.
I feel like half of me is saying, "so what? Your a gay transman and you wanna use your organs so that you may have a child. You'll have a gay family, and? That doesnt make you less than, just be you."
The other half is saying "you'll never be a male anyway so whats the point, besides your not even that manly. You cant be a man and give birth and you certaintly cant raise your child in a gay household. Plus gay men want penises and you will never have one. Get in the box, mind the boundaries, stop being you."
What should I do? Which direction should I go?
Big hug! I completely agree with your assessment that you would be moving forward. The choice of how to have a family, and live as a family is entirely up to you. Know that whatever you choose, I support it fully. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
I am new to the site and know very little about you so it would be hard for me to offer much of an opinion. I can offer one question that you should ask yourself. The discomfort that drove you to transition may return if Re-transition. If it returns, how will you deal with it? For me the pain of the male existence was such that what I might gain by being a male would be small compared to the pain I would feel. I would think the better option would be to have the children but don't give up your male existence.
It is ultimately up to you. That being said, there are fish and creatures that can temporarily become the other sex, give birth or sire young and then return to the previous gender. If you really want a family, there are transmen that have done so, but if that does not feel right to you I don't see why you could not transition, temporarily if you wanted... I say take time to think it over and see how you feel. People change and relationships change as well, you can be a gay man if that is what feels most comfortable. Personally, I wouldn't be able to go back but if you don't think it will be too bad, are there small things you can try to see how it feels? If you are on hormones, how does it feel to ease off them?
I think you need to speak to a professional. It sounds like you have already made up your mind as far as what you want to do, but the logistics as well as your mental state should be considered.
If you've been on T for some time, it's quite possible that you will have fertility issues. I believe I've seen studies of guys who have been on T for almost 2 years (18 months is the longest example I've seen) and were able to start ovulating again, but I am not sure if that was statistically normal or an outlier. Either way, I'd do your research and speak to whoever is administering your HRT before you make any decisions. If the option to have biological children isn't there, that may be something you need to come to terms with.
There have report of guys being on t for years and still being fertile and others of guys stopping t and becoming fertile, so to save all ftm's on t should always use something of protection.
Well to me it sounds like you are basing your desire on others, rather than what it is that you want. You may have your apprehensions about being a gay father, but do you really think your children would be happier if they had a mother who wasn't happy? How do you feel about your transition, children aside? How do you feel about your transition, fear of rejection from gay men aside? Would you still wish to live as a female if those things weren't a factor? It sounds like your contemplation to live as a woman isn't coming from being a desire in and of itself, it sounds to me like your contemplation is coming from a place of grief, loneliness, and perhaps fear. I don't think that using those things as guiding factors will ultimately make you a happier person.
Sounds like re-transitioning is too serious if an issue not to speak with a gender therapist about. I've heard of ftm's that use surrogates. In any case, something this significant deserves the attention of a professional. IMHO
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
You can still identify yourself as guy, but get pregnant. Thomas Beatie is a FTM. He had a wife, but she couldn't bear children. So Thomas decided to do himself pregnant. He got sperm donation. He gave birth to several children. So it's not impossible being a trans man who gives birth. If you're living in the US where you pay health by yourself, it's probably so liberal that you can be happy. You can still transistion and gives birth. Something that isn't possible in Norway. :) The society doesn't get harmed being challenged. It's good activists etc. challenges it, so it can changes.