So now that I am going on hormone therapy, yesterday after having gone to the endocrinologist I stopped by at home. The parental home. Had a small conversation with ma mum, with ma dad there aren't any conversations at all,we avoid each other, while reading the local newspaper there suddenly popped up a story about a mother who made a song for her 'newborn' transson ,to embrace him. I had to smile, showed ma mum the article and instead of reacting light to it she said something very hurtful. She said that the mother was as sick as her child to accept this. I got very emotionally but didn't show her my pain. Basically I'm developing a hate towards my mother for these kind of things she tries to 'un-trans' me with. She also asked me a few minutes later if I were kidding her and ma dad. If this all was a joke of mine. I got very cold inside and felt that if I would stay any longer in her company I would start crying. I felt humiliated for who I am actually. Maybe I'm not old fashioned enough but I still don't get how a mother can deny her child like this. Now I must admit that I feel guilty for who I am to. I feel like a pain in the ass. Due to all the negative spirits in ma environment I sometimes question if I am normal, if what I'm doing to feel better and at peace with maself is ethically authorised. I don't feel any love anymore from anyone and I know that there is only one thing in the world that could make me happy and that is continueing the hormones my endo gave me and continueing my come out to the globe step by step. But there is also this other little voice in ma head that says I'm selfish for doing this to ma parents who raised me and invested in me. The feelings I'm basically having is that who I am is wrong. A friend of mine forced me to answer this one question if I would still have the same struggles assuming that my parents vanished out of ma life. I was disgusted of my own honesty but had to answer in all honesty that ma life would be peaceful and that I would dare to live my life as who I am inside if my parents would vanish out of it. Now I feel like a mean spirited person for thinking this way but honestly I would feel so much better not having to see my parents anymore cause it's wasted energy. They will never embrace me for who I am. My journey finally feels so much better now that I am making the first important steps in my transition but there is also the other side that says that I don't disearve this, that I am responsible for my parents happiness. I hate myself and this midday I had second thoughts. Not second thoughts about being transgender or the fact that I want to transition but second thoughts about the timeframe. For some reason I keep saying to myself that I have to burry all my plans to transition and to dig them up in 5-10 years because there is Always this chance that ma parents might have passed away in meanwhile and that would cause them less stressy moments. Am I mean spirited for wanting my parents out of ma life? Would I be a better child for them if I wait another 10 years to live as maself? Or would I be a moron for wasting ma precious time on this globe? I also thought about suicide mor than a few times but that doesn't have my first choice since I'm only 25. I talked this through with ma therapist and he says it's ma life and ma life only and that I shouldn't have to feel responsible for ma parents and that they should feel ashamed for making fun of me, denying me and some other things. I am one of five children at home and I feel like I am a misery for that whole family. I hate myself for doing what makes me happy, the feeling of joy from finally being able to live ma life as a woman on hrt comes with a feeling of guilt afterwards. Guilt cause I'm feeling happy. Why am I feeling like I'm such a bad person. Having my parents in my life is so destructing and I hate maself for not wanting to vanish them out of my life.
just got a phone call from one of my sisters asking me if she was speaking with the ->-bleeped-<- line. I hung up. These people are a burden for my well being.Think I'm gonna delete them out of my life as soon as I can.
Here are a few resources showing:
-being trans has biological connections
-so its nobodys fault, neither the tg persons nor an upbringing or whatever
-its likely not a phase and not likely to go away
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197598.msg1757491.html#msg1757491
You might try to see it with less emotion.
Maybe other people have picked up some preconceived ideas, or have some restraints because they fear they "caused" it somehow by an upbringing or whatever.
Studies showing it has biological connections are widespread only for a few years.
So other peoples attitudes might simply not be up to date.
This is all not your fault.
Its your right to live as you feel. You might explain but otherwise do as you feel what gives you a feeling of joy (within reason).
As said you might try to take the emotions out of it, not seeing it personal.
This way you might not get hurt and be able to react without negative emotions.
have a big *hug*
One should not feel guilty for wanting their life. Wanting your life and wanting to feel well is not being mean.
It is your decision how you handle unpleasant conversations per person you know. An alternative approach to the phone call you had is to invite your sister over to your home to tell her about how is it really like. Also don't miss the opportunity to call the nonsense by its name. Be hard on the statement, not on the person. Many people are just stubbornly ignorant, even the closest ones.
That is, depends how much you care to keep those people around you. Cutting off needs least effort, and if you do it, it might have been done prematurely. If the other person does it, you at least know you did your best to keep them.
My parents passed long before I transitioned , but I know they knew I was dealing with this situation because I've been dealing with it since 4 years old and there were plenty of signs for them. As far as you thinking your a piece of property or financial investment , I don't believe that's what love is all about. Sometimes in order to heal you need to get away from what's causing the problem.