Not sure how this post will go down but I'll try.
One thing that was emphasised to me by my psychiatrists during transition was to establish a life I wanted to live. To develop new interests and new friends, to socialise and interact with people from all walks of life.
As a very shy person I found that a great challenge - yes I am shy - or rather he was. It was a challenge I struggled with, particularly as I had few interests and had hidden in my scientific work as a cocoon against the world for a very long time.
I think part of my success as a scientist was my insularity. Which is not a needed attitude to being a scientist BTW!
I forced myself to take interest in other things, I chose opera, music, theatre, Art which led to a loving interest in expression through photography. But that is another topic.
I went to so many events alone, unescorted and very frightened, a woman by herself at such events I thought would be seen as odd. I was quite surprised that it wasn't. Many single men and women go to such events - indeed I think they are a pick up site for the newly separated/divorced! I was also pleasantly surprised by the gender diversity of people who went to such events.
I also realised that my psychiatrists were right - Cindy needed a life away from her ex-male persona. I found quite quickly that I was enjoying myself. Theatre, opera and music are a great opportunity to dress up! And, at least for me, great fun in learning the enjoyment of the classic Arts.
I rapidly realised when I started to do some counselling, that many transgender peoples' social interaction is through either social media, or in role play games. I do not think that is healthy; even if somewhat hypocritical from an Admin who spends a lot of her life running this Forum :laugh:
My message in this post is that I think that beyond our mental and physical transitioning, we also need to look at changing, and enjoying our social transitions.
Thoughts?
I agree that going online too much isn't healthy, online is a good place to start but we got to balance between online and physical activities. It's great that you find some activities that you enjoy. I wish I can get a chance to put on some nice gown and go to an event more often too. My activities on my social transition are joining the social work stuffs and going out for photography where mostly I got to wear a jean and t-shirt. ;D
For me it was a number one priority of my transition... to release myself and live my life.
Quote from: Cindy on October 18, 2015, 03:44:55 AM
My message in this post is that I think that beyond our mental and physical transitioning, we also need to look at changing, and enjoying our social transitions.
Thoughts?
Yes. This. The best part of my transition was being socially a woman. I joined a new church, where everyone knew me only as Suzi. I still go, pretty much every week, and I still get chills thinking about how they all see me as female.
I agree with Cindy. Step away from those computers, tablets, and smartphones and live life!
While I don't feel I can really comment here...here goes with one thought.
I believe the special bond with that someone special is a key component in flourishing in life,transisition, etc.
I'm a true loner, have tons of periferal friends, but missing that special bond.
I desire it, need it. I hope I can stay strong until I meet that person.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
One of my biggest priorities with my transition was stop just nearly existing, but living. To not put up any walls and buriers and see where life takes. My first relationship has result from that living and exploring that has occurred. Hugs
Mariah
I do a lot of volunteering. At work we have an active Pride group and we do a lot of events. This weekend we supported the Family Matters Pride event at work. I worked with 8+ children and had a lot of fun. Also the Physician and Chief for PA was there and (she is trans) gave a presentation on mindfulness.
I am on the PTFC trans fem workshop selection committee and volunteer at the conference working with the children and other events.
That was exactly how I felt when I came out of hospital. Previously, I felt so bad mental health wise that I didn't really start to 'live'. It was only when I got into my supported accommodation which i've been for a few weeks (not good with dates oop) that I really started to leave my old life behind and started living as Nathan.
not gonna lie it has been hard but it was worth it.
Funny thing, Cindy, is that I got told the same thing by my therapist. And he as right. Getting a life was essential.
This is interesting. I feel like I would lose my life and become more focused on the Internet etc. Those are my big stoppers. 1. Not even remotely passing from size shape and physical injuries from living careless and hard. 2. Losing my business and community connection. 3. Possibly losing a true love. 4. My man hobbies like motorcycle racing and target shooting would expire, or I guess that would give others a target to race against or shoot against. I'll have to ponder it. I may be thinking about it all wrong.
Good topic Cindy.. Xx
Yes, there is life after transition. I'm involved with with a group that writes plays and will do some theater production. I recently joined the social justice ministry at church. We will be tacking such issues as housing, education, racism, healthcare and other topics.
There more to us besides transition. Now is the opportunity to not only live life but to participate in some old and new activities.
:)
Met all my closest friends and bf in mmo's, every one I know that gets married these days, meets in an mmo or such.
But yeah don't sit inside all day, go make some memories.
My therapist has also pointed out my lack of a life. Lack of (as in zero) friends. Yes acquaintances, work mates, my support group members. But no friends these days. To anyone who knows me today, falling back on my "Shy introvert geek" excuse is a non-starter. I get the same "Deer in the headlights" look as when they first see me presenting differently then they are used to :o Coming to accept myself as I am, as I feel who I am, also brought about a lot of other changes. Like actually talking to strangers, and being outgoing.
Still, some old habits are hard to break.
However Cindy, I might generalize a tad too much by saying "Get a Life" is perhaps a more generational advice then trans advice. I see an awful lot of zombies walking the streets totally detached from the world while trying to be totally connected to it. Outside of the HD display, there is no world, no life.
Full disclosure, I am also an old curmudgeon dinosaur
I think that because of our "problems" growing up or whenever it happens, we naturally become reclusive. I was an engineer. I did the transition and then I had work. I never really got to know people for many years. Then I started my own business. I had to become sociable. Yes, I designed and built my products but I also had to sell them. This started me down a path of the happiest years of my life. I found many friends, some still very close, by participating in the hobby I was selling to (amateur astronomy.)
In the past few years, I've been writing books. I don't make much from them but I don't care. It was a lot of lonely work but it was exciting. I started a writers group here in my small town. I helped many frustrated people publish their stories in anthologies for a couple of years. They shall be lifetime friends and now they know all about me. I told them this week. They don't care about my past. In fact, I think we are closer.
I've spent most of my life living in my own shell. Wow, that's hard to swallow. But the past 15 years have been great. I'm now considering moving back to a real city and get away from my scenic hideaway in the middle of nowhere. I want to get back in a rock band or find a nice string quartet to play in. I want to find really good writers. I want some of their success to rub off on me.
Yeah, I agree. "Get a life." Pursue some fun hobbies, join a club or two, find passion in some wild pursuit. There is much more to life than getting surgery.
Chin up.
Cindi
Many of us sat in isolation for years, we didn't fit in well with people but we found an outlet for our social needs with social sites. For many that became a substitute for a life surrounded by other people.
Then we transition and we are reborn with new, exciting possibilities that were never there before - the barriers are gone.
For some people I think thats a very overwhelming prospect, learning to let go of the old inhibitions and the old, comfortable life.
Cindy and the others are right - life is for living - social media certainly has a place in my life but it's only a single piece of the mosaic of my life.
Before surgery I lived in my shell. Shortly after surgery I meet my roommate who was an extrovert and spent over 30 years dragging me out of my shell. After she passed away, I started missing that part of my life and came to Susan's for information on voice surgery so I could move back into areas of society that I haven't been and be a bit more stealth about it. I have family and friends but I can see a future where that might not be the case so I am working toward an additional leg of support or at least the ability to form one when needed. All the time I spend on Susan's? It's far better than TV and I haven't watched it in over a month.
this is a good point. One of our friends, a girl brought this up a few weeks after I came out. Lisa, asked "So, when you are done turning into a girl whenever it is, then what?" Which is a question that has been bouncing around in my head. I have to answer it by Apr '16. I'll have work because the medical research lab is allowing me to 'intern'. I'll have a place to stay w/ my GF/mentor Vikki. Our true friends haven't dumped us because of me. So Now What?
I do interact a lot on social media and also on forums like this one.
But I've made a good few friends who I meet up IRL.
I make friends with a lot of cis women IRL. I don't really disclose trans status up front but I suspect more than a few know. They treat me like a woman always...
This is a huge problem for me that I have to face because the transgender laws here are very ambiguous.
IDK if I can access a gender therapist here in Bahrain, and that worries me because it's just making the path ahead of me even harder.
I recently started university last month, and I've yet to make any close friends... I don't know what to do or how I'm going to 'get a social life'. I do try to attend this little video game clique I see at the Activities Hall sometimes.
But that still doesn't fix the issue of not being accepted here.
Online I only really have this family, yes I consider all of everyone on this forum, this community as a family. You all are awesome and wonderful brothers and sisters. And a phone game I mainly use as a social construct, in which I have gained just as much support as I do here.
Currently work consumes me in which I lack much ability to want to do much outside of work. I am not taking my online class this semester as strong as I can due to my stressors at work. Next semester I wish to delve myself further in study, to take more classes and so I can reach for my goals.
In my former life I had loved nature, math and sciences, jazz music and events, and hiking. As a female the only interests that changed for me was getting into country music, I am such a country girl it hurts, and my love of wearing skirts.
The study in which I am getting into is forestry and wildlife conservation. Which is quite a 180 from my current IT setting in the army. I must say I am dreaming big, but as I want to say go big or go home.
Kate <3
Whilst I agree that, yes, doing other things aside from focusing on your transition is healthy and the way to a happy head, I'm not entirely convinced by the advice to 'find new interests'.
Personally, and I accept this may be wildly different person to person, I'd already built a life that I enjoyed because life is to be enjoyed. I got into things I like, hung out with people I like and went to places I enjoy. Once I started aligning my body more effectively with my brain I didn't just up and leave that life as all those things were still massively important to me as a person and to my happiness.
Particular activities aren't solely 'male' or 'female' pursuits and I see no reason why, if you like going to raves, or fixing cars, or electronics, or going to the theatre, or running, or fighting robots or whatever, that you can't continue to do these things during and after your transition?
I often think that the 'I was this and now I'm this' approach that is often advocated can, potentially, be quite damaging as the added pressure of, effectively, starting a new life on top of everything else, which has the symptom of cutting off any support networks that have been built up, must add more anxiety and stress to an already pretty heavy situation.
I'd imagine, for some people, those around them may be toxic enough to make this plan of action a good move and everyone has a different situation that they are operating within so nothing is black & white. I do feel that some trans folk, either due to the community line of thought or because therapists think this is the only way to go about things, just assume they have to cut all ties and make a new start when this, as many people can no doubt attest to, is definitely not the case.
Obviously, everyone's mileage will vary wildly, this is just my 2 pence worth, for what it's worth, as it's a subject that's been bothering me a bit as my transition has progressed.
This is something I'm kind of concerned about in regards to therapy requirements... I'm self employed (art + design) and I work at home. i live quite rurally (like practically in a field) and so i don't get out much! I didn't make any lasting friendships at school and at uni the friends i made have since moved to the other ends of the country. the only contact i have out of my immediate family is my boyfriend and he lives a couple of hours away from me.
I do occasionally go to things like exhibition openings when I've got pieces out there - the last one i went to a few of my friends from uni were there too. but I'm just starting out so this isn't a regular thing. aside from that my pieces would go off to galleries on their own or be sold online.
I've already had problems with the fact that art used to be a hobby and once i got my degree it became a job, so i don't have any down-time activities. i also kind of don't have time for hobbies (i shouldn't be online now i should be working >.> but no one's in the house so i'm procrastinating)
I'm worried that i'll be required to get a part time job to prove that i'm transitioning socially and how this will impact my main work... if that's something i have to do the other alternative is to rent studio space instead of using the space i have at home, so that I'm in a 'working' environment. but studio space is expensive and i can't drive...
Quote from: Peep on October 20, 2015, 08:14:35 AM
I've already had problems with the fact that art used to be a hobby and once i got my degree it became a job, so i don't have any down-time activities. i also kind of don't have time for hobbies (i shouldn't be online now i should be working >.> but no one's in the house so i'm procrastinating)
Oof, intimately acquainted with this one. My work is my hobby and outside of that, what have I got? I spent about 80 hours a week studying, and what little down time I have is spent ... here, unfortunately, or other places online. I have no idea how to cultivate other interests, or even if I really want to, given the time-suck. Still, it would be really nice to be able to answer the question "what do you do for fun?" for once!
Getting a life is easier said than done. :D
i've tried really hard to find outside interests not just for my transition but just because i need a break from work sometimes. but reading art history stuff or even comics just starts to seem like research... i get the urge to start taking notes D: this is probably a recent-graduate thing too, i still have that 'this could be useful for my dissertation' mindset
lol I'm such a sadact i should join a book group or something
This realization has been dawning on me recently and it is so perfect that it is a topic here. I had been so isolated as a man. The only people I ever spent time with were my Mom and my best friend/roommate, I hardley even saw my other roommate who is a close friend of nearly two decades. I never went out anywhere.
My yearning for social contact has become very real. I used to be well resigned to my solitary fate. And I do still love and value solitude, but now I have become aware of loneliness. Trouble is, I don't know how to make friends. Every friend I have ever had called me, asked me to come hang out or attend an event. I don't even know how to ask someone to chat with me over coffee. It is a terrifying prospect. But I am trying. I just always feel like an intruder.
I also realized recently that I no longer have a best friend. The bond I had with the one mentioned a couple paragraphs up has changed. We're still good friends but I have learned that our closest bond was contingent on me being male. Outside of my Mom and my therapist I no longer have a confidant.
I have been doing the same job for ten years, not because I love it so much but more because I couldn't believe they keep me on despite my incompetence. The fact that my bosses told me I was their most valuable employee baffled me for years. I just knew that I would fail to get a new job because...well...because.
But now I see that it is time to move on. I want a new job, to have new challenges but also to meet people who will get to know me in full from the get go. I also think I am moving to a new town. I have been where I am for 17 years. It would also be great to not have to see folks who too strongly recall my past. There is a security guard at work who, if he doesn't shape up soon and quit pushing me around, will find himself talking to HR.
Anyway, I have started small. Participating in forums was my first and most important one. I have been slowly, like almost dead slug slow, been going to support groups. I have gotten much closer with a former roommate who also has anxiety issues. I went to an art opening with her, my first in fifteen years. And I have gotten myself to a meditation group, alone. It was a marvelous experience.
When I hit 40 in a few years I want to be living the potential that so many have seen in me over the years. I don't know if I will ever be able to pursue the dreams that were crushed by my time in the closet. I may just have to move on. I am excited for my future. To having a fuller social life. A new career. The ability to really enjoy solitude because I chose it. To be living in a new place. I don't wish to throw off everyone and everything from my past. Just as my own personality has grown as I release the chains that bound me so would I like to see my life expand.
Now I just need to figure out what to do with myself...
This transition thing really is a second puberty in every possible way!
Quote from: suzifrommd on October 18, 2015, 04:38:29 AM
Yes. This. The best part of my transition was being socially a woman. I joined a new church, where everyone knew me only as Suzi. I still go, pretty much every week, and I still get chills thinking about how they all see me as female.
I agree with Cindy. Step away from those computers, tablets, and smartphones and live life!
I have had a bit of down time with back issues lately and found being off line, even for a day, is a tonic. Real life is a breath of fresh air....
Quote from: Chrissy5946 on October 18, 2015, 05:32:54 AM
While I don't feel I can really comment here...here goes with one thought.
I believe the special bond with that someone special is a key component in flourishing in life,transisition, etc.
I'm a true loner, have tons of periferal friends, but missing that special bond.
I desire it, need it. I hope I can stay strong until I meet that person.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I absolutely understand ... and agree.
Everything is easier with people at your side, they give you somewhat safety, something that stays how it is, on your side. not like the whole world around that is going crazy
Looking forward to this part of transitioning actually.
Keaira took up truck driving. the real reason behind it? to escape and figure herself out. She loves to travel and hates to be tied down. But the thing that is most important to her is family. She's a tomboy and a lady at the same time, she doesnt take crap from other truckers and is seen as a capable woman in the eyes of her peers. Her interests are still VFX and art, And she is still a VFX Artist for Star Trek Renegades, but now she will also be an Extra on it. She's also agreed to tell her story in a book. She's had men take a romantic interest in her too. She doesnt watch TV or play video games anymore except with her son
The person she used to be who was seen as shy, timid and an underacheiver has gone. Now Keaira is soaring like an eagle.
I'm a badass. I am exactly the woman I have always wanted to be. I have my scars, my battle wounds, and the pain I still carried before I set out on my journey. But I have become rather independant and determined.