Here I am, waiting and waiting, hoping for that miracle. I don't even know if I should keep trying, keep living. Each day I have to put on this mask as a male kills me inside so much. I cringe at every time my 8 year old brother calls me his brother and my mom tells me to be a man and set an example for him.
My father died when I was 11, and as the oldest biological male in my family, I was forced to become my biggest nightmare... "The man of the house." Rather than be something I wasn't, I rebelled, but I did it in secret.
When puberty first hit, I started to lose weight because I was depressed. Eventually it developed into an eating disorder, anorexia, and I've been destroying my body. Skipping meal after meal, having my insides burn, throat dry, all of it hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain I had from my gender dysphoria. I would rather die than live as a grown man. Yet I was so ashamed of feeling like a worthless failure to my mother. She has gone through enough losing her husband, imagining her losing a son seemed selfish of myself. She is incredibly conservative and I feel like a horrible person for wanting to do something for myself for once. I'll never be good enough for her, for anyone, not even myself.
I have never gone to a store and bought clothes for myself because I hate myself so much. My mom picks out all of my clothes.
My mother decorated my entire room with boyish things she wants me to like, I'm too afraid of expressing myself.
Due to financial reasons I have to be solely dependent of my mother. Which means she controls everything I own, or will own.
I live with her and my family still and I can't go anywhere or even outside the house without the alarm going off. I don't have any close friends because I don't want them to be near the family I loathe inside and the hideous human being I am.
I am trapped in this small small world, dying inside. I just want to be free... I JUST WANT TO BE ME.
When I look in the mirror I cry. My mind and soul have been torn apart by anorexia and my gender dysphoria. I am losing myself and if I don't transition soon, I'll probably end up dead.
I don't want to lose this fight. I don't want to give into this pain. I've been waiting this long for an opportunity to me. So I will wait, I will wait, and I will live my life as me and no one else anyone tells me to be someday I hope.
Hope is what keeps me going. Its out there, somewhere in the night sky. I see it and I can picture my true self. All the good things about myself, but as a woman. I want to be able to be happy and make a difference in the world. A world that isn't so small, a world I wont have to wait years to say the truth. A world where I can just be me, and you can just be you, and we can all accept each other, regardless of what we do.
I'd say try to relax... there are all kinds of people who successfully transitioned.
Its a step by step process...
just take the next step.
You will succeed eventually, and it can be fun along the way, trying out things.
you might have a look at the links there:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439
you might grow your hair out and keep it in a ponytail in guy mode...
You should talk all of this trough with your counselor...
you might ask them how knowledgable they are in transgender issues...
they should help you along and support you...
by the way there is also a chat on susans...
and if you feel like it please reach out... there are helplines...
they also have a chat:
www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html
www.thetrevorproject.org
www.translifeline.org
and here were a few hints on voice if you would like to work on voice:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190936.msg1701516.html#msg1701516
Simply keep asking questions...
hugs
Thanks for the encouraging comment Laura, I really need to just relax, maintain my composure, and just keep on taking those baby steps towards happiness.
I just felt like I needed to vent because I feel like I'm slowly become insane. @.@ Hopefully I can start HRT soon and feel at peace for once in my life.