5 accidentally transphobic phrases allies use — and what to say instead
http://mashable.com/2015/10/18/transgender-ally-words/#ne3YiFzPFkqo
Mashable/Katie Dupere 10/18/2015
"Words can be tricky — especially when you're an ally.
As transgender lives and experiences increasingly come into the public sphere, our conversations about gender are getting more complex. And with those conversations comes the realization that we don't always know what to say when describing trans identities."
Some of these points resonate with me, but I'm not sold on #5.
I remember feeling so strangled by language politics when I was first coming out to myself. I would try and talk about my body and the complex and sometimes frightening relationship I had with it, only to be shut down with nitpicks. In particular, I hate hate hated being told that I "had a man's body, because I was a man and this was my body." Trust me -- I understand, respect, and appreciate the reasoning, but it nearly brought me to tears of frustration every time.
I felt like people weren't listening. I was trying to say that I was dysphoric, that my body was wrong for me and that it was upsetting. I didn't know the details. I was embarrassed to talk about my genitals. All I could articulate was that this, my pre-transition female-bodied self, wasn't working out. Being told I was "actually male-bodied" by allies wasn't helpful at all. In fact, it just made me feel worse, because to my eyes at the time, I was left without any way of describing my feelings.
Sometimes, I worry that by hyper-focusing on language, we sacrifice communication and throw vulnerable people (those who are new to the community, or who don't have access to educational resources) under the bus. Which isn't to say I'm "anti-pc" or anything like that! I really understand that words have an impact on our psyches and on society, and I think that we should pick them carefully. But, I dunno. I dunno! I guess I'm not longer certain that this is the right direction.
My favorite is "born a man".
Yes, I was born a man. My mother was pregnant for 18 years, 9 months with me and her vajayjay is 30 inches wide. My first words were "Ma, can I bum a smoke?" *facepalm*
I've found myself making some of these mistakes, and recently. Pernicious, aren't they?
#4 bugs me the most. When trans is described as something you identify with I think it communicates a very wrong idea. It leaves the impression of something transitory; something that might be put on today and taken off tomorrow. No, it is not that at all. Whether or not anyone can see it; whether or someone has created an elaborate facade to hide behind; it is something that is intrinsic to a person. One doesn't identify with anything at all. One simply is.
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Quote from: Jill F on October 19, 2015, 05:31:19 PM
My favorite is "born a man".
Yes, I was born a man. My mother was pregnant for 18 years, 9 months with me and her vajayjay is 30 inches wide. My first words were "Ma, can I bum a smoke?" *facepalm*
I saw a rather funny facebook post. someone doing the whole "But your birth certificate says" Thing, and cooly replying "It also says 8 lbs 3 ounces, a lot's changed since then"
Sorry, I'm failing to see the transphobia in these phrases. Trans-ignorance perhaps, but they hardly equate with hatred or fear of trans people. Even "ignorance" is a bit of a stretch, some of what is being discussed in that article is so nuanced I can easily understand how someone with little experience with trans terminology could stumble over those examples and not even get what could be offensive about it. Someone's trying to be supportive, they use a linguistic faux pas and they get called transphobic? Not a great way to build, educate or keep allies. :-\
This is why I can't be an ally, too complicated ;)
Quote from: Ms Grace on October 22, 2015, 06:15:14 AM
Sorry, I'm failing to see the transphobia in these phrases. Trans-ignorance perhaps, but they hardly equate with hatred or fear of trans people. Even "ignorance" is a bit of a stretch, some of what is being discussed in that article is so nuanced I can easily understand how someone with little experience with trans terminology could stumble over those examples and not even get what could be offensive about it. Someone's trying to be supportive, they use a linguistic faux pas and they get called transphobic? Not a great way to build, educate or keep allies. :-\
This!^^^
It turns people off when you ignore their good intentions and police their language. I actually didn't find anything transphobic in any of these phrases. I don't mind people saying I was born male. In my mind, it's 100% true.
I maybe a newbie to this, but I don't see anything particularly transphobic about any of these phrases. Any of them can be used in a way to invalidate people's sense of who they are, but so can almost any phrase.
And it depends a lot on the particular (trans) person. For instance, using "when so-and-so was a man/woman" to refer to their pre-transition gender assignment. Some trans people feel very strongly they were always their felt gender -- one local trans activist insists "I am not an M2F, I am a WBT -- woman born trans." On the other hand, I have no sense of internal gender and, for me, gender is entirely an external thing: my anatomy and which social construction I get subjected to. So I have no problem saying I'm "being a man" or "living as a man." And when I finally transition, I will be the same person inside, just "being a woman" or "living as a woman." I have no problem saying I'm "male-bodied" or "born a boy": it's just a description of the anatomy I was stuck with.
I also don't see why the phrase "preferred pronoun" is at all problematic. FWIW, it's the phrase I've heard used at every trans event I've been at.
If we are so delicate that we will turn these little molehills into life-altering mountains, what kind of future did we have anyway? My transitioning (which is still pending, more or less) does not magically make my feelings more important than anybody else's. It does not entitle me to special treatment and special consideration. Our culture is what it is and it was here long before I chose to transition. It consists of countless more people than just me. As such, it is my job to adapt to it, not vice versa. My issues, however deep, are mine and mine alone. The world does not owe me respect for my having transitioned. That is something I earn - or not - and ultimately it will have nothing to do with having transitioned, in the context of my role as a "complete" woman. Once my transition is done, then I am a woman, and that is that. Not "a woman who used to be a man physically." It will not matter where I came from or what I was perceived as yesterday. Isn't that the whole point of transitioning at all?
From what I'm seeing nearly everywhere I turn, it usually isn't the point at all.
It seems that the vast majority of people in any subdivision of the LGBT community are always on edge, just itching for a fight, always needing to crusade and advocate and jump into the ring with somebody. Looking desperately for the next thing to take offense at and using that as justification to go after this person or that group. As if we were the ruling class with a life mission of finding all among the peasantry who do not properly fall into line with our dictates. It could be construed as the ultimate in narcissism. I did THIS, so now you owe me ... and you ... and you ... if only it were so easy.
We are not the only one whose reactions, feelings, and needs matter. There is a ten times larger subset of people in any culture who did not transition. By virtue of sheer numbers, they come first. I am not condoning "beating up the ->-bleeped-<-" in the parking lot of the bar after hours. Basic respect can and should be demanded by anybody. But does it stop there, or is it an endless quest for more power, more power, more power? I am speaking only to general attitude. Nobody owes us. As the minority, it is our job to fit in, adjust, adapt, and find our way, once the point of basic respect is reached. Our culture isn't about us. We are not more important than any other group, from people who play D&D every night to off-roaders to whatever else you could use to group people together conceptually.
Beating others down, whipping them into shape, will never create any kind of life for us. I am not transitioning in order to be "transgender." I am transitioning to be a true woman; to bring the physical body into proper alignment with every other part of me that has always been purely female. Once there, my purpose in transitioning is not served by hanging onto both physical identities, even if one is only "what I used to be." If that is kept alive as the driving part of my existence, then I have pissed away everything I claim to have transitioned for. Once I am physically female, then I am wholly female, a whole and complete woman in every sense that matters in our culture, and that is what will drive my life from that point forward. We don't go to college as people who "used to be in high school but we can't let go of that so we are trans-educational." We show up for our first day in college and we are expected to be where we are - college - and do what we came there to do. Nowhere does the high school world we once occupied but don't any longer factor into that.
There are crusaders, advocates, etc. who have been crusading and advocating for decades. They may even have accumulated a few of what they call "successes," having beaten people down, pressured them into some forced behavior that is in line with whatever political correctness rules the day. But to what end? Looking back on the civil rights movements, the Black race as a whole arguably has far more complaints today than they ever did before the movement. The women's rights movement of the seventies produced the same results: four decades later, the same complaints persist as if the movement never occurred. Force-engineering society through demands and oppression does not make for a happy society, if communist-era Russia and China are any indication.
My concern is with being a woman, forgetting where I came from as far as that being any kind of relevant factor that my culture should care anything about, and doing what I do ... as a woman. We are all babies who transitioned into toddlers then grammar school kids then we transitioned into post-pubescent pissy impossible teens then we continued to evolve and morph into whatever we ultimately are today.
All the above is just one person's opinion and it is worth exactly that much. I do not expect or demand that anybody else adopt it, like it, embrace it, or anything else. The point in posting it is to give it exposure as one possible framework to place the entire transition process into. Most people are automatically swept away by the current of popularity: if you transition, you are then expected to crusade, fight, scream, advocate, etc. What if you don't feel like doing that? What if that isn't any more who you are than the physical sex you left behind? Every now and then, all it takes is exposure to a paradigm and something clicks; the light bulb goes off and suddenly we have found our "home."
The point is to be who you are. If you are truly a crusader at heart, then that is who you are and no matter how right or wrong others make it, it's still who you are so that's what you need to be doing. It is "a" way, as valid as any other, but not "the" way.
My feeling is that people do owe each other something and that is to treat each other with common human decency. When a person or group picks out a subset of people to dehumanize and disrespect then they deserve every bit of condemnation and vitriol that the rest of society can muster.
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If people are making an effort I'm fine with that.
As was mentioned, I am not beating my transition into anyone and getting them to talk exactly how I want them to. As long as they don't say anything bad then that's good enough.
The only one I really have a problem with is he/she. The rest are fine.
It seems the majority who have replied here agree that the intent behind a person's words is infinitely more important than the words themselves.
It is probably the case that the vast majority of people who vilify trans people do so out of a perception of popularity regarding that approach, and do so only when they believe that no trans person is likely to hear or read their words. It's a show put on for their peers. In the presence of a trans person (or more than one) who they are aware is trans, most would probably be, at the very least, tolerably respectful, and probably many would make some level of effort to learn much more than they currently know about the process and the people going that direction in life. I know from experience that one good personal connection can ultimately do far more than a decade of public address.
Quote from: iKate on October 26, 2015, 10:03:48 AMThe only one I really have a problem with is he/she. The rest are fine.
LOL it's a little difficult to blame that one on inadvertent misapplication of semantics; if somebody messes that up, then you probably have a legitimate gripe.