My parents won't let me express my gender identity in any way. But I can't keep this inside me. It's making me feel loopy, and I'm already off-kilter enough as it is. So does anybody have suggestions for how I can feel more feminine without looking it? Please note that I take PE class and have to change in a shared locker room with guys.
I never undressed in front of any boys after I grew breasts at 13 I'm a natural b cup, I just dress in jeans and t shirts like the butch girls did and grew my hair out.
HackerAshley
Can I sugest a number of things not all of which you will be able to do but a couple might suit, but you will have to pick and choose carefully since you have to go to Gym class. Maybe you just need to be selective about the days you do what things depending on your classes
Underwear is probably the best and cheapest way to help that is nice and stealth, and can be purchased online if you are not confident in a store. Shave your body hair, grow your hair and nails out, clear nail polish, perfume instead of aftershave, wear some jewellery, practice your walk your talk, sit when peeing, are just a few that come to mind.
Be imaginative and creative in your thinking and I am sure you will start to see ways where you can be more feminine without outwardly appearing that way.
I think you need to if possible work out a way for your parents to come on board. Do you know why they feel the way they do? Have the expressed what their issues are about your gender identity? Good Luck
Sarah T
You're in a difficult time of your life, but know that things will get better for you in time. High school is often a rough time for anyone a bit outside the current societal norms. The best thing is to be as creative as possible with expressing yourself. I'll offer a few ideas.
As for dressing, you might try buying women's clothes that look like boys things. American Apparel sells everything from jeans to underwear designed to be worn by both genders. Check it out.
There are things you can do that might make you feel more feminine without seeming obviously so to those around you. Many boys get their ears pierced and wear earrings. You can grow out your hair. At school you might just wear a ponytail or "man bun" , while in your off time you can do more girly things with it.
Women pay much more attention to skin care than men. Learn to take good care of your face and skin, even if not wearing makeup.
Beyond the physical, consider some mental exercises. Write things down. Write out, in detail, your understanding of who you are and how you feel about your femininity. Try to keep it positive. A fun thing to do is to write a fictional story from the viewpoint of a feminine character. You'll be surprised at how mentally comforting it can be to put things outside your mind onto a page (or text file).
It might help to talk to your school councilor about your feelings and difficulties with your parents. She/he might be able to offer some advice on how to get a bit more support from your family.
You can work on your posture its very important and often overlooked, grow your hair out as much as you can, also you can wear an ankle bracelet no one sees it but its still affirming.
Wow. Loaded question.
When I was in high school, I wore girls jeans and blouses. Mid seventies. I got away with it. My mother didn't even have a clue. I had long hair but ultimately, I was still masculine. I could buy girl clothes if I didn't have to say anything. FWIW I didn't get FFS. Stuff just got shifted around before I even started hormones. I honestly can't explain why. Perhaps it's because I brought my weight down. You could do that if you aren't in line with other girls your age.
Most of us start by wearing girls' clothing. But clothes do not a woman make. You'll come to realize that someday. I know it doesn't seem possible but it is true. I wear mens' clothing often.
But you could work on the other things so many inquire about here on the board. Practice BEING a girl in front of a mirror. Watch other women your own age. Imitate their behaviors, hand gestures, the way they walk. Learn to use your voice effectively in private. Use your phone to record your voice and make it as feminine as you can. Watch Youtube videos of other teens who are publicly out. And while being sympathetic to the way your parents feel, make sure you help them understand how you feel.
And most importantly, write. Keep a journal for yourself. It is so helpful in relieving stress plus it will give you something to look back on to observe your progress. And who knows, you might write a memoir one day!
Chin up,
Cindi
Thanks, all.
I've actually been trying to work on my posture lately (and astounding my mother, who knows me as a determined sloucher). I've also been trying to get hold of some girls' clothes. And a few other things as well - a feminine design for the phone case I'm making with a 3D printer, pink earbuds, longer hair....
However, about the clothes: first off, is there any good sizing guide you know of? And second... I've been considering wearing a bra. However, is there any specific kind I should get? I'm looking for one that wouldn't show or would be hard to spot through a shirt.
And one other thing (although this may be a bit of an edgy topic for this particular forum)...
Sooo... I've thought a bit about tucking. I know how it's done and all that. But, are there any long-term effects? And how long can I safely do it for? What all should I know about it, other than how it's done?
I know how you feel! I'm trying to slowly go femme so I don't freak people out (including myself). I'm letting my hair grow out, and I've started brushing it back so I can put it into a ponytail in a month or two. I'm not sure if it's visible when someone's wearing a bra, so I personally have never worn one outside of my room. About tucking, I haven't figured out how to actually do it, but for the past two years, I always push my -thing- backwards underneath me whenever I'm leaving a bathroom or getting dressed.
Quote from: ThaliaNyx on October 25, 2015, 08:49:33 PM
I know how you feel! I'm trying to slowly go femme so I don't freak people out (including myself). I'm letting my hair grow out, and I've started brushing it back so I can put it into a ponytail in a month or two. I'm not sure if it's visible when someone's wearing a bra, so I personally have never worn one outside of my room. About tucking, I haven't figured out how to actually do it, but for the past two years, I always push my -thing- backwards underneath me whenever I'm leaving a bathroom or getting dressed.
As for tucking, there's a wiki on how to do it on this site.
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Tucking (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Tucking)
I'm also growing my hair... But chances are my mom's going to try to make me cut it.
You can use training bra's or crop top bra's that are designed for cis-girls with nothing on top so come already padded, they feel like the real deal and unless the t-shirt is see through....I suggest you check before venturing out to the shop on a sunny day...unless of course you don't mind the odd awkward stare or better still don't care, in my case I didn't realise till I got home and caught sight of myself in the mirror...oh well...I digress. These crop tops can usually be purchased at place like Target for about $20 for 3 or you can go for the sports crop top which will be a bit firmer and possibly less visible again depending on what you are wearing over it....in either case once you put a jumper or wind cheater over you would never know.
This kind of thing
http://www.target.com.au/p/bonds-pop-top-crop/54812628 (http://www.target.com.au/p/bonds-pop-top-crop/54812628)
Sarah T
As Sarah says, and to hide it, wear loose black printed tees. That look's still in, isn't it?
Hi Ashley,
Irrespective of what you look like, just remember; NO ONE, no one can stop you feeling how you feel about yourself. Sure, people in authority can prevent you from expressing various attributes, BUT they can't stop you feeling who you are.
This is a very important and strategic state of mind you need to develop until you can control every aspect of your life you need to control.
You can say anything you like, do anything you like, wear anything you like. But they are all temporary. Nothing; absolutely nothing can change, who you believe who you are. Focus on that and the rest is immaterial. Nobody else's opinion matters. It's only a matter of time before you conquer all.
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: SilverWing on October 26, 2015, 08:31:10 AM
As for tucking, there's a wiki on how to do it on this site.
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Tucking (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Tucking)
I'm also growing my hair... But chances are my mom's going to try to make me cut it.
Ah, thanks. Long hair is an easy battle to win in comparison to full transgender-ness, I think - I mean, I see guys all the time with long hair. Granted, most of them are at the college... but still. When it comes time to get your next haircut, first off, talk to your parents and tell them calmly that you don't want your hair cut. Explain that it's a violation of some law but your own choice of how to live your life.
You probably won't know if this worked or not unless they say they're taking you to a hair-cutting place or cutting your hair at home. At this point, assertively tell them that you are not letting anyone cut your hair.
If that doesn't work and they do take you to a hair-cutting place, tell the haircutter that you just need your bangs trimmed.
If your parents don't allow this, you have two options.
1. Make a scene. Say that nobody's touching your hair, walk out the door, et cetera. Your parents will never try taking you to a haircutter without your permission again.
2. Let it happen. Afterwards, refuse to talk to or look at your parents for about a week until they try bribing you with promises to never touch your hair again. That's the time to bargain with them over your transition.
Unfortunately, this is all based on just a combination of various scenarios I've read in books, so... it might not be a foolproof plan. Still, it might be somewhat useful. Hope it helps!
It's really helpful to tell some non-trans friends as well. It's best to limit that to online friends at first, though, because if you tell a friend irl and they get upset with you for some reason, they might tell everyone you know; whereas an online friend typically won't know where you live, let alone who to spill your secret to. A few of my friends whom I've told actually refer to me by female pronouns, which is amazing.
In answer to the thread question; I just think and focus on who I truly am. Nothing more, nothing less. Everything I need is all there, within me.
Huggs
Catherine
I'm sorry for the situation you are in! Remember that this is only temporary that you have to deal with this. I will say that you can still feel feminine even if you aren't expressing yourself the way you want. You can wear gender neutral clothing, grow your hair so you can style it, you can wear makeup to. If you are full time male you can still wear mascara and put some foundation on. It won't look that noticeable as makeup but will still make you appear feminine. When I was full time male I hated it but I just dressed as a feminine gay guy and wore neutral makeup/clothes and styled my hair and still felt feminine. Remember that femininity comes from inside its who you are not who your clothes are. Yes you will look more feminine in girls clothes and will be able to eventually but just knowing that you feel feminine makes you feminine remember that. I would stay away from all guys clothes go with gender neutral.
Eh... I try but my parents are hell-bent on forcing me to be a boy. For instance, I'm out on Facebook and have the pronouns switched and everything. My dad's response was "you are not a she or a her or a woman, you are a boy." They also won't buy me any new clothes, and they put a $20 spending limit on my debit card. So the most feminine things I could wear at this moment are my pants (skinny jeans). So the only clothes I could wear would be stuff I could take off in the shower and put back on after. Like stuff I could wear under my male clothes. I'm already wearing a gaff made of three sets of panties. Other than that I'm lost. They'll question me about anything at all, and they told me I can't come out to anyone. Only yesterday, my dad found out that I told two people at school, and he said "it wasn't supposed to be like that here".
You can buy the things you want and put them on when your home by yourself? You should seek out a gender therapist and have your parents come? Just a thought.
I am never home alone, ever. They are always in the same room with me, and my bed is angled so that they can keep an eye on it through the door. The only time I'm really alone is in the bathroom.
As for getting a therapist, that's going to be a tough one. I have no car, no job, only two hundred dollars in my account to last me to the end of my school year, and my parents have forbidden me from telling anyone I'm transgender and that includes therapists and counselors at school.
Yeah I think you should for sure let a counselor know at the school you have a lot of access to that. Your parents treat you as a prisoner it seems, when I started transitioning I would experiment and dress in my room. I had no privacy but I got the knobs on my door changed with a lock so no one can come in. My dad asked why I put a lock on door but never took it out. I would let someone know at school. They will be the ones that will show your parents it's a bigger deal than they think. Also if the school mentions it to them they will be less likely to freak out because it's the school saying it.