Hello, I'm normally able to articulate better, but I'm literally sitting here with a heavy pressing weight on my chest that I'm finally taking my first baby steps (it's taken me 5 minutes to get this out). I'm a 33 year old man, but have never felt comfortable with being one. For as long as I can think back, I'd always wished I'd been born female; but had come to accept that unfortunately it wasn't to be. I've never known any trans people, so really had nothing I could relate to. I pass very well as a guy, as I tend to enjoy 'guy' things like sports, horror movies, etc, but I always felt I would have liked those as a female regardless and been tomboyish. I've been quiet all these years because I had assumed nothing could be done about it, I was woefully ignorant. During the last few years, I've become more and more depressed with my situation.
I simply wish I was born a woman.
When I was younger, I never dared sneak into my mother or sister's clothing, so I used to take my old hockey jerseys I'd long outgrown and place water balloons inside to simulate breasts. I never did crossdress for fear of discovery and having to explain myself afterwards. I feel weird telling this, as not a soul has heard it before. I was raised in a catholic (not strict) home, but my father is not the type of man who would accept any of this. My mother is the opposite, I feel if I came to her tomorrow and opened up, she might make an offhand joke, but all would be well. High school was uneventful as I was neither popular, nor unpopular, I was like background noise. My desire to be a woman never wavered: I used to pray, wish on stars, wait for the clock to turn 11:11 daily and make a wish (foolish I know, but why discount anything?) In university, I married the woman of my life, and after 8 years of marriage, we had our first child. She is a year old now. I feel blessed to have my wife and daughter, especially my wife, who if there is such a thing as soul mates, she is surely mine.
Everyone around me only sees the happy side, and I do understand depression somewhat as my wife currently suffers it as well and I've tried to be her rock. We're happy people, but the stresses of work, bills, our futures, they affect us strongly. My problem lies in I'm sick of having to hide myself. Last month I finally started reading into trans and TG, and there is a lot of info to absorb, but I plan on reading everything to see whether transitioning is right for me. I'm lucky enough to have a great job with coverage for therapists, speech therapy, and an amazing drug plan should I decide to proceed further. I've been looking into resource centers like Sherbourne Health in Toronto, what plans to make regarding informing work of transition, etc, and while doing all this I noticed something.
I'm happy, more than happy, excited even. The thought of being able to embrace myself as a woman has had me so excited for the future I've had trouble sleeping the last week. Today I took my first big step in my eyes. I created an account here. As I stated earlier, not knowing anyone trans, I am rather ashamedly naive. I'm hoping to find people who may have experienced what I"m going through, possible mentorship on what to expect, and God I hope even make a few friends here.
My wife has noticed how happy I've been recently and is curious as to why. I don't know what to tell her... It's one of the only times I've lied, told her I wasn't sure, I was just happy. I love her more than anyone else on this world, and it was a single off hand comment she made that dashed icy water. She was reading some tabloid article about Caitlyn Jenner, and said that while she admired her for doing what she needed to, she said it must be hard on a family. For the record, her sister is gay, and came out at a time where it wasn't embraced whatsoever., so she's seen how it disrupted relationships with aunts/uncles/grandparents. It was during this tabloid talk about Caitlyn that she said that as much as she loves me, she couldn't ever see how someone could adapt to that. I asked right out "So if did that you wouldn't love me?" "No no, but I'm a straight woman, I married a man. I have no attraction whatsoever to other women". She for some reason sees me as incredibly masculine, and I don't know why for the life of me outside of liking football. It was this response though that has made this the hardest for me.
I love my wife more than anything, and I'm terrified to talk to her about this.
What I've decided so far is to wait 6 months to my birthday, in the interim read up as much as I can, talk to as many people as I can, and see if I can get into a gender therapist without her discovering (thank god my company covers their cost, no bills to explain). I don't want to rush anything, and I feel this will give me the time to think things through rationally and see if all I've ever asked for is possible.
To have my wife with me on this is paramount, I can only pray in 6 months she will support me.
Sorry for the wall of text, but it took a lot off my chest just to write it.
PS -The name Brooke is what I would like to choose on transitioning... The first time I thought of myself using this name, I was blushing, I love it.
Hey Brooke!
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Thanks for sharing your story!
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Cheers
Grace
Nice to meet you Brooke, you are most welcome here among your new family.
This will be hard for you and your wife, but try and keep honesty and communication open.
Hi Brooke :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Hello and welcome :)
You could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901
You might look for a good counselor... there are also online counselors...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html
I'd say keep asking questions...
and there is also a chat on susans...
*hugs*
Brooke
Welcome and (HUGS!). Very proud you made this first (MAJOR) step. Just take it easy, baby steps are good things. While I'm very new too, and I've been where you are, its a nasty place. All I can say is hiding it from others is only once removed from hiding it from yourself. You've opened up and said it (somewhat) out loud. And it made you feel better about yourself. I know you love your wife (and I love mine) but there is nothing to gain by building barriers to communication. Secrets crush relationships. Address them, soon as you're ready. I think you set a date and be prepared for the fallout; some will be good, some not so good. I can't say what will happen, but it will based on openness and that's a great place to start. My wife and I are still working it out and its not easy, but we're working it out together. Good luck and don't be a stranger; we're glad you're here! Holly
Hi Brooke,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
I bet you're feeling so much better for getting this out. I sense a tremendous weight has been lifted from your chest. Use the resources you have available regarding therapy etc. it will help enormously in navigating the labyrinth of feelings emotions and choices you are to face.
One thing to remember, if you finally choose the HT route, your thoughts, feelings, decisions, emotions are going to be turned upside down and inside out at the same time. Develop a strong local support team to get you through these moments. Other than that, sit back, get a cup of tea, strap yourself in for the roller coaster ride of your life. Enjoy and embrace it. It's your life, nobody else's.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Thank you all for the kind words, as well as thank you for those links. Many of those questions in Laura's links were things I've wondered about myself (like how I'd wish to be perceived). It's a little strange for me opening up like this to people I've never met, but the one person I'm sure would be fine with it (my mother) can't hold a secret if her life depended on it. If I were to tell her, I might have 2 days before everyone in my family knew, and I know I'm not ready for that yet.
To Catherine, tea I definitely have no shortage of :)
Thank you all again, I've much to learn :)
Can relate! Im such tomboy bahaha. My girl and I are big big fans of the walking dead and russian car crashes videos on youtube (lol)
All jokes aside, though, i know exactly how you feel. Been there not too long ago. I think its essential that you tell her before you do any moves so you can take this new journey together and adjust very slowly and gently to this new life. It is just as hard for her as it is for you and if you love her i am sure you want a relationship with her when you go full time woman. It feels wonderful doesnt it? I am too some kind of les trans girl and i love my wife!
Truly exited for you!!! Big hugs x
Clara
First, Welcome! This is a friendly supportive place to start, transition, and hopefully revisit in years to come.
You are beginning. It is a tough journey ahead for you. Don't ever be ashamed to admit that. Yes, it sounds like you have your head together. Telling your wife before anyone else is very important. If/when she figures out something is different or wrong with you, don't hesitate to tell her how you feel and are seeing or plan to see a therapist.
Don't be afraid to share your feelings here or ask questions. Remember, no question is a dumb one.
My best to you,
Cindi
Welcome Brooke, coming here is a great start, and a good therapist is the second most important. Dont be shy here as all of us have been through some thing common to our group at one point or another. Just remember it is a transition , a journey. Not a race to the endzone or a wish granted by a genie. But you will be rewarded.
Huggs
Thanks again everyone.. the more and more I think things through, I realize I'm doing my wife a disservice by not being totally honest. Fear is the biggest motivating factor here, but I'm calling Sherbourne on Monday to see about appointments to see a therapist, and I'm going to have a sit down with my wife as I want her there with me.
As for Clara, I also watch Russian car crash vids on youtube lol... as well as their "Don't be a dbag" parking movement lol
hi,welcome.i am new here as well..great site.full of supportive people and helpful advice.
see you on the pages, :)
melissa.
Hi Brooke,
Good call. Honesty pays dividends you never thought possible. It can even lead you to an unimaginable reality. Truth = authentic integrity.
BTW fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. It's a known fact 98% of your "fears" never realise themselves. Only 2% do. When you're standing on a railway track (eventually) a train will come ( except for Sydney metro) < Warning: Anyone currently riding on a Sydney metro train, this is figment of your imagination. Please tap off now>
Huggs
Catherine
Dear Brooke;
Welcome to Susan's Place.
I used to live in Toronto, now it's the south side of the lake for me where I am an "only child" where I live. It's a small place, some 3500 people but I'm actually outside of the main town so little contact.
Sherbourne is a very good place for getting assistance. Try if you can to get onto one of the Gender Journey courses. It runs for 11 weeks and has a very varied group of people attending. It covers a lot of information such as transitioning at work, home, coming out to friends/family, legal issues and a whole lot more. It is definitely worth the effort to go on one. Max Carney would be a good source to start for specific information but he is leaving soon for further education elsewhere. Hopefully he will return in the future. Right now, Max only comes into the centre on Thursdays.
If I am correct, completion of a Gender Journey course might be a requirement for CAMH if one wishes to explore publically funded gender corrective surgery. The wait time I hear is over 2 years just to be seen. I put in for it in March 2014 and still haven't been seen or contacted other than they received my application.
Over on Church Street is the 519. It is also the address by the way. They can also help you on your way.
Take care of yourself and I wish you much luck and happiness for the future.
Love,
Clare
Thanks for the additional info Clare. I've called Sherbourne and am currently awaiting a call back. The Gender Journey course sounds amazing, I'm only worried about time constraints as my wife and I are essentially full time with work and daughter. I wake @ 6am roughly everyday to watch the little girl, wife gets home from work around 7:15am and goes to sleep. I watch our daughter until 1pm and then leave for work for a 2-10pm shift. My wife puts our daughter to sleep @ 6pm and gets in another 4 hours and then gets ready for her 11pm-7am shift. When I finish @ 10pm, it's my 'decompress' time and sleep.
If the Gender Journeys was 1 day a week, I might be able to get my parents to fill in for a couple hours while I attend, but childcare is the hard part.
Regardless, thanks for the insight, it's something I can ask about when they call hopefully tomorrow :)
You're welcome, Brooke.
Gender Journey runs only one night a week, generally from 6:00PM until 9:00PM with a short break in the middle.
Usually refreshments are provided such as cheese and crackers, fruits and juices. On one occasion we had pizza!
I personally found the course very informative and the hand outs if you hang onto them all will give you a fairly extensive reference source.
Attendance is restricted to those participating but they do have a Friends and Family night where your friends and family can go and speak with other friends and family of those participating. I think that should be available for the duration of the course as a few hours I don't think is enough time for them to really get much out of it but at least they know they aren't alone and the experiences of others often matches their own.
You can wear what you like, be called what and whom you like and everything is kept confidential. If you are going to miss a session, let them know so they don't worry something had happened to you. At the end of the sessions, you receive a nice certificate stating you attended the course.
Best of all, there is no charge for the course.
Best of luck.
Clare
I received my callback from Sherbourne and was told unfortunately that I'm not eligible for their services due to my area... Durham Region is too far outside Toronto apparently, and was told to try Rainbow Health Services, so that's my next shot. :\ Oh well, take 2 I guess
Dear Brooke;
I guess I was "grandmothered" into Sherbourne as I moved while still attending for therapy sessions.
Is there any way you might be able to find a Toronto address to use? I was never asked to prove where I lived at all, maybe you would like to try again? Try their staff directory for Max Carney. He is a very knowledgeable fellow and might be able to help you locate a GJ course out your way?
You'll find many road blocks on the transitional journey. Overcoming them will take effort and determination on your part.
Love,
Clare
I lucked out and was able to get a consult appointment to speak with Dr. Chan on Tuesday (he's an endo/GP who also has therapist recommendations) :) Everything I've read about him has my hopes very high. He did run a clinic in Mississauga, but has now moved downtown Toronto, so it's even closer, only about 40 minutes to drive.
I'm so excited!
Hi brooke, I'm new here as well, nice to meet you.
Pleasure to meet you too :) Everyone here is very welcoming ;D
Quote from: Brooke33 on October 31, 2015, 12:32:25 PM
Pleasure to meet you too :) Everyone here is very welcoming ;D
I'm sure Susan would be very pleased to hear that! This is her intent.
hi Brooke :icon_wave:
welcome to susans place[a safe and joyful place for us].
happy to know you have taken a step towards true yourself.
i could only suggest to believe in yourself and stay calm while you communicate with your wife .it will be helpful if you provide your childhood experiences as well as your gender desires. as far i am concerned relationships involves two persons that need not depend on gender so provide your wife assurance your support as well and how much you love her and leave it to her afterwards. a loving life partner will always understand.
have my blessings :icon_cute: