Just a week ago, Saturday night 17th October I told my wife my whole life story and how bad I felt for all the hiding it all from her. It has taken me months to get to that point, and the reasons why it took so long were all to apparent. But I could not hide it anymore, come what may.
I totally broke her heart, in fact I completely devastated her, for which I could never ever have wanted, despite knowing it would.
We are still together, for now, she knows there is no way back for her now, telling her of years of hormones totally killed that, and rightly so. For me I have spent the last week being there for her, devoting my time to her, aside from long work hours (that's a real pain too!). Sunday and Monday she was totally broken, broke my heart so much.
But she understood why I had done things the way I had, understood my early adulthood... getting married, bring a children into the world etc. But I did try so hard, so very hard to be a model father and male... but it was, as it turned out all a big charade, and hiding for so long has totally broken her.
Currently we are on a bit of plateau whilst we consider where too now, how to talk with our families, kids etc...I don't dress in front of her, however much I long to be able to show her Katrina... I suspect we will, as I move through PT and into FT break up, which will be sad and hopefully we will remain friends.
We have funny moments, like she humour's me with talk of HRT, programs on TV that portray loss of trust, clothing... we had a massive laugh at how I had been caught a couple of times and how she nearly caught me so many times... we talked about makeup and when she asked me why my eyes looked darker sometimes... I think it really helped her pain.
At the moment she is in denial and obvious shock from realising those changes weren't just bigger than normal man boob's, I have a mixed wardrobe, she does not want to see my clothing etc... but knows its there, but won't look, yet! I am hoping that will change as I do not want to lose her from my life, but understand we'll never be the same again. We are also talking about counselling and therapy, but she is not quite ready for that. Also I am keeping the conversations up as I need to move forward now, especially after a couple of years of procrastination.
For now I feel painfully relieved but sad because I can't progress quite as quickly as I dreamed I would ;), but I suspect that very soon my internal pressures will be too high and then I think the strain will be to high on my wife.
I am now free to start Electro she understands and I have explained that there may be reactions, hence why not started yet.
Love you all...
Katy xxx
Oh wow Katy, my heart goes out to you at this really tough time for you and your wife. I really do feel for you as I know how tough it can be. I hope you manage to come out the other side of this happier and closer to where you need to be.
Hugs
Sarah T
Hi Sarah..
Thanks so much, despite all the initial tears and pain, which will happen a few times for sure, I feel that I have at last done the right thing, although a few sleepless nights questioning that. I know what my future holds, as long as I can hold my job down for a few years, I hope that my wife will pull through.. I think she is strong, but this was certainly a bolt out of the blue to her, for that I will always feel regret that I am as I am and that it took so long to come right to the front of my life, and now to hers too.
I think time will tell and time will heal.
Thankyou for your kind words.
Katy xxx
Katy you gave her a priceless gift, the gift of the the truth.
Now she can move ahead with the process of deciding how this new reality will affect her life.
Hi Suzi, yes that is so true, and that we have been a rock for each other and brought up a wonderful family too.
At the moment she is still in shock as to what the future holds for her, first words were that I don't want you to leave home, but with that comes continued pain for me as I feel I will never be able to really be myself.
But it is early days, a lot of tears and discussions still to come, I pray that whatever happens that we can still be very close.
At this point she needs to talk to people close to her/us (purposely stated that way)... I will support her in whichever way she wants to handle moving forward, and she recognises the fact I am not male anymore despite the appearances for having to remain in that charade for 4 or 5 months more (new job and probationary period), which is helping her to understand and think on more.
Thanks for your response and thoughts Suzi :-*
Katy xx
Hugs Katy. The moment of impact from the T bomb is always the hardest... it may take a while for the dust to settle but I hope it does soon, and favourably for you both. :)
Hi Grace,
Yes it will take time, but we both know the outcomes for me, for both of us there is now no turning back, as to what the end point is and how that plays out is not clear, bit more like a dust storm that has a hurricanes eye, right over us now ;D
If my wife feels awkward moving forward with me being public (which she will we are sure) then we both know what the outcome is, and as soon as I go down the name change path it will be uncomfortable for her and she has stated that. However I do feel massive regret over the many years of hiding it, despite doing that for what I assumed was the right reasons, and she is very understanding of that, but not the HRT... totally understandable.
Anyway thanks, as always for your kind words :-* :-*
L Katy xx
Katy, your a strong woman and despite the fact this was a total shock to her you have done the best thing you can by telling her the truth. The fact that you are her putting needs still before yours is remarkable and shows how much you love her despite where you are ultimately going to need to progress to. It's a tribute to the person you are and as the dust settles I'm sure she will appreciate that despite what it means for her. Hang in there because it is a long road, but now at least you don't have to hide what is wrong anymore which in itself has helped you both move towards what is next. Take care and Hugs
Mariah
Hi Mariah,
I really don't know how much to thank you for all your love and support through these last couple of tumultuous months.
You have been my rock and taken all my too'ing and fro'ing, far more than many would have.
Oh and I know its a long road and there will be many hurdles but they will be overcome...
Hugs and xxx's
Katy
Hi Katrina, hugs for you in your trying times. Just know that I'm rooting for your happiness, if only because your life right now so closely mirrors what I have myself forthcoming. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me for any support you may need.
-Katelyn
So very true, they will be over come Katy. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: katrinaw on October 25, 2015, 04:34:34 AMAt the moment she is in denial and obvious shock from realising those changes weren't just bigger than normal man boob's, I have a mixed wardrobe, she does not want to see my clothing etc... but knows its there, but won't look, yet! I am hoping that will change as I do not want to lose her from my life, but understand we'll never be the same again. We are also talking about counselling and therapy, but she is not quite ready for that. Also I am keeping the conversations up as I need to move forward now, especially after a couple of years of procrastination.
Katy - VERY Proud of your strength and conviction. I am in a very similar place, we are open at home, but my wife is also in denial. She knows, but doesn't want to know. I am just starting out and don't know where this path is leading but it is very freeing. First time in my (long) life that I am not ashamed of who I am, even when alone. I feel, uh, good. Weird, right? Counseling helps when I can get her to join me, wishing it was more often. xo - Holly
I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife 6 years. It was not a surprise attack as she always knew I had gender issues from day 1. But with that suppressed for 30 years hearing that I am in a TG support group and therapy and especially just doing SOMETHING about being TG was a shock. Of course the vision of a complete course change in our lives and redefinition of the marriage.
What has kept us together is the hard, difficult, gut wrenching, open and honest discussions about our feelings, what we are thinking, etc.. Avoiding TMI is difficult to impossible as is blurting. When discussing deep emotional thoughts the filtering between the brain stem and mouth is often removed which can lead to hurt feelings. It's important to hear the message and not listen to the raw emotion. Also important is to not let the hurt fester. Talk about that much later on after a needed break.
Over time, my wife saw how I changed from a creature she was growing to dislike (as was I) into a for real multi-dimensional person she liked. Our love for eachother today is probably the strongest it ever has been.
Our future? Who knows. One day at a time. She is convinced still that in time I'll be the one to leave as I grow. And of course there is the omnipresent "I did not marry a woman" and all that entails.
I hope the relationship between you and wife can survive this strain.
I told my wife I was T 10 years ago and things got a whole lot better, not ideal, but better.
Before that she discovered that I cross dressed and that always sent her into a rage. It was really bad. She was conjuring up all sorts of horrible things in her head and unloading them on me. She even told my kids I was a pervert, gay, etc. And I was too cowardly to be able to explain.
Finally I reached rock bottom and it was either pull the trigger on the pistol I was rehearsing with or be honest and hope for the best.
So I told her.
And the light bulb seemed to come on and all the hostility disappeared. I was kind of surprised.
Luckily her unloading all that stuff on my kids when they were still pretty young didn't seem to have any adverse effects. I'm sure they remember though because they were young, but not that young.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
A lot of the anger seemed to disapate when I told my wife that my therapist had diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. She's still very uncomfortable about the gender topic but she doesn't unload on me anymore. Of course, it hasn't been brought up in months, so there's that.
Katy, thank you so very much for modelling what real courage looks like in a setting I struggle in as well. I stayed up a lot of last night going over the pain and turmoil that is coming like a tsunami for me and mine. I have gotten to a point later in life in which the pain of being my true self is less than the torture of living life as someone long gone. The sticking point: to fully press the issue with my wife of 34 years. It is just what you have faced so admirably. There seems to be no way around the devastation of true honesty. I do know this: I don't want to commit suicide; and, I want to be an advocate for courageous women like you who have faced up to the uncomfortable truths that define so many of us. So, it is precious stories like yours that give me strength and hope as I move into the crucible of the end of a marriage. Thank you again and many rich blessings, Sheila Grace
Quote from: KatelynBG on October 25, 2015, 06:48:36 AM
Hi Katrina, hugs for you in your trying times. Just know that I'm rooting for your happiness, if only because your life right now so closely mirrors what I have myself forthcoming. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me for any support you may need.
-Katelyn
Hi Katelyn,
Thanks very much for your kind words, means a lot to me.
I hope I can be of help for you as I have been there and am in it right now.
Thanks
Katy xxxx
Quote from: HollyP on October 25, 2015, 09:01:58 AM
Katy - VERY Proud of your strength and conviction. I am in a very similar place, we are open at home, but my wife is also in denial. She knows, but doesn't want to know. I am just starting out and don't know where this path is leading but it is very freeing. First time in my (long) life that I am not ashamed of who I am, even when alone. I feel, uh, good. Weird, right? Counseling helps when I can get her to join me, wishing it was more often. xo - Holly
Hey Holly, thanks for your support.
We are also talking about counselling/Therapy, first off she wanted to keep it to herself but we both agree she needs someone to talk to, aside from any form of therapy.But I must say it was not an easy thing to do, it took every fibre in my body and soul to open up, and I hated myself after, she in fact consoled me despite her own grief... the immediate pain lasted for 2 days, but gradually we talk about it and I share things... but she will need help other than me in being able to talk freely... I have agreed that as she would like to do that alone I will support her in that sense. Because after all I am stronger... after so many years of double life and hiding/surviving... and now relief in many respects. The journey is long and will be painful... but for now we are talking.
Thanks
Katy xxx
Quote from: JoanneB on October 25, 2015, 09:36:55 AM
I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife 6 years. It was not a surprise attack as she always knew I had gender issues from day 1. But with that suppressed for 30 years hearing that I am in a TG support group and therapy and especially just doing SOMETHING about being TG was a shock. Of course the vision of a complete course change in our lives and redefinition of the marriage.
What has kept us together is the hard, difficult, gut wrenching, open and honest discussions about our feelings, what we are thinking, etc.. Avoiding TMI is difficult to impossible as is blurting. When discussing deep emotional thoughts the filtering between the brain stem and mouth is often removed which can lead to hurt feelings. It's important to hear the message and not listen to the raw emotion. Also important is to not let the hurt fester. Talk about that much later on after a needed break.
Over time, my wife saw how I changed from a creature she was growing to dislike (as was I) into a for real multi-dimensional person she liked. Our love for eachother today is probably the strongest it ever has been.
Our future? Who knows. One day at a time. She is convinced still that in time I'll be the one to leave as I grow. And of course there is the omnipresent "I did not marry a woman" and all that entails.
I hope the relationship between you and wife can survive this strain.
Hi Joanne, yes I have read many of your posts and admire the love you share. I pray that we will end up on that same plateau, however my drivers now are very high, from years of hiding and dodging bullets, I was surprised that she had not picked it, I honestly believed it was all about to come to become way to hard, so I did not want the tension anymore. I did so feel for her, but once we had got over the initial outpouring of grief, she started to let me know that she knew my condition could not be helped, but she, quite rightly, could not get past the medications.
I think we are actually bonding a little better now in these times of strain, but as she say's things tongue in cheek we open up a little more. I really do need her to confide in someone though, and we will do some counselling, but that's not the primary focus from her perspective right now. I do not know where we'll end up, I think it will be split up and maybe once the pain has eased I would hope we can be besties... but a lot of water yet.
Thanks for the thoughts and words
Katy xxx
Quote from: Deborah on October 25, 2015, 09:56:14 AM
I told my wife I was T 10 years ago and things got a whole lot better, not ideal, but better.
Before that she discovered that I cross dressed and that always sent her into a rage. It was really bad. She was conjuring up all sorts of horrible things in her head and unloading them on me. She even told my kids I was a pervert, gay, etc. And I was too cowardly to be able to explain.
Finally I reached rock bottom and it was either pull the trigger on the pistol I was rehearsing with or be honest and hope for the best.
So I told her.
And the light bulb seemed to come on and all the hostility disappeared. I was kind of surprised.
Luckily her unloading all that stuff on my kids when they were still pretty young didn't seem to have any adverse effects. I'm sure they remember though because they were young, but not that young.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Deborah,
Thanks for your wishes.... I only realised some 15 or so years ago that I was not alone and that I could make a change, however I had kids moving into adulthood and beyond that marriage and grandkids, the pressure for change was there, it took many years of strength and total absorption into work to survive... I got cought cross dressing by my son whilst at primary school and my eldest daughter... both times I explained something of what I was going through, but from then was very careful not scare them further... looking back I wish I had come clean way back then, for me and for my wife.
Its still a long round, but the secrecy is over now, although she does not want to see or meet Katrina yet, but I hope she does... next step is telling the close family then the millions of other family members and our friends, some of whom I could tell sooner. But my wife wants to talk with one of them initially by herself which I think is good.
Thanks for your wishes and sharing
Katy xxxx
Quote from: KatelynBG on October 25, 2015, 10:10:33 AM
A lot of the anger seemed to disapate when I told my wife that my therapist had diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. She's still very uncomfortable about the gender topic but she doesn't unload on me anymore. Of course, it hasn't been brought up in months, so there's that.
Oh right, thought you still had to go there, sorry misread...
Yes I feel much of my pent up pain and anger has gone, and now since a very long time ago, I am feeling better about my world again.
Katy xxx
Quote from: Sheila Grace on October 25, 2015, 12:51:37 PM
Katy, thank you so very much for modelling what real courage looks like in a setting I struggle in as well. I stayed up a lot of last night going over the pain and turmoil that is coming like a tsunami for me and mine. I have gotten to a point later in life in which the pain of being my true self is less than the torture of living life as someone long gone. The sticking point: to fully press the issue with my wife of 34 years. It is just what you have faced so admirably. There seems to be no way around the devastation of true honesty. I do know this: I don't want to commit suicide; and, I want to be an advocate for courageous women like you who have faced up to the uncomfortable truths that define so many of us. So, it is precious stories like yours that give me strength and hope as I move into the crucible of the end of a marriage. Thank you again and many rich blessings, Sheila Grace
Hi Sheila
Thanks for responding and your wishes xx
It was very painful, my planned messaging and story just went to pot as I just let it all out... I had been close many times before especially in the last year or two, but I was fit to burst... I also felt that my wife was more than suspicious of my changes, many of which had been over many years, probably why she had not picked it.
I honestly thought it was all over before I opened up, and certainly with the pain I had caused, I even suggested that I would move out, then she responded with a no, its our home, which really took me back, she also said she cannot commit to how long she would feel like that and obviously does not want to see or meet Katrina... but she did also say that in time that may change. Currently we are in the eye of the T Hurricane... I hold no designs on how we will end, but either way I am prepared.. Its funny at the moment I get lots of tongue in cheek comments that we laugh about and then I use those times to talk a little more about where I have come from and where I will head... I can tell when enough is enough and say, another day.
I hope that I have helped, in my stumbling way, you and please if you need any support or help I am here, after a short break, to help you in any way I possibly can.
once again thanks of your kind words and sharing your next steps - hugs
Katy xxxx
Quote from: katrinaw on October 26, 2015, 05:42:36 AM
Oh right, thought you still had to go there, sorry misread...
Yes I feel much of my pent up pain and anger has gone, and now since a very long time ago, I am feeling better about my world again.
Katy xxx
Yes she knows of my diagnosis but not of my transition plans. The anger WI be back. Good luck stepping forward.
That is one of the hardest talks ever, Katy. The guilt, the trust questions, the no longer needing to hide......and the repercussions. Oh, the repercussions.
It's probably about 16 months since I actually announced my intention to transition, and no more um, er, maybe. We are still together but it's been pretty hard.
Your wife has said she can't stay once medication/HRT are in play; that is certainly not great, but it is clear.
The terrible thing is that that which finally frees us at the same time also makes our partners so desperately sad. It's impossible to square that particular issue, at least in my situation.
I hope that this next period goes as well as it can do for you, Katy.
Hugs xx
Certainly the lights are on, but yes it will be tough again, I figured after a few days that, and my wife sort of commented the same, apart from knowing things have not obviously changed, it could be sort of forgotten, but I do keep things at the front of mind because to go through this again would really kill me...
If there is anything I can help you with.. (I wrote a message to her in case I could not go through the discussion and left it on view) she never read it, but I still have it because its me on two side of paper.
Maybe you need to start bring up some points again, like "kind of feeling some of previous pain is returning" or maybe other subtle comments... funny tho I tried that approach but I still blind sided her, but could work well for you??? just a thought xx
Good luck and best wishes
L Katy xxx
Quote from: rosinstraya on October 26, 2015, 06:12:46 AM
That is one of the hardest talks ever, Katy. The guilt, the trust questions, the no longer needing to hide......and the repercussions. Oh, the repercussions.
It's probably about 16 months since I actually announced my intention to transition, and no more um, er, maybe. We are still together but it's been pretty hard.
Your wife has said she can't stay once medication/HRT are in play; that is certainly not great, but it is clear.
The terrible thing is that that which finally frees us at the same time also makes our partners so desperately sad. It's impossible to square that particular issue, at least in my situation.
I hope that this next period goes as well as it can do for you, Katy.
Hugs xx
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your wishes.
Yes that night I could have died a million times in the worst possible way.... but I was surprised in that she understood... the years on HRT told her that I would not stop and am committed, I did not share exact dates but she was interested in next dr. visits and how it all works, she did say that she may come around, but too early and feels anger that I did not share years ago before hitting HRT (I get that too, and actually agree with her views on that), but the end result we both agree would have been the same, and she gets I needed to see how things worked out!
I find it interesting that something on TV, or "said" triggers a bit of a laugh and rolling of eyes, and a bit more discussion... but my wife does know that at some point I will break again and cannot live any form of charade, she also knows that whilst I am in probation at work that there is a level of comfort for her to understand.
But I do believe, in the end, we will have to part, mainly because I can't go back, don't want to go back. I will not be able to take not stepping quickly through part time into full time. We have talked about electro, she was interested and said rather you than me when I told her how it all worked... so we have humour and communications.
I really want her to meet me, but it may be the final straw for her... we'll see.
I wish you well in progressing and hope that you can
once again thanks for your thoughts
L Katy xxx
Hey Katrina. Hugs! I only have a couple things to say, and I'm gonna try to keep it short, promise. :)
First off, as much pain as this has caused, congratulations on owning up to everything to your wife. She deserves to fully know the person she's living with and you deserve to have someone who fully knows you.
She needs someone to talk to, you've covered that already, but I just wanted to reiterate it. After I told my wife, she nearly exploded with trying to keep it inside for like 2 weeks. I gave her permission to tell two of her best friends, and it helped tremendously.
Also, keep in mind that you wife has been living with you through years of HRT already. The majority of your changes should have already taken place. Moving forward with transition at this point will only really be clothes and self-presentation, and things you can finally talk freely about with others. Plus acceptance by others of course. You are likely already the person you always will be moving forward, so your relationship at home shouldn't really change much, again except for clothing and topics of conversation. The relationship dynamic will only change if you and her let it. You are still the same person, she just has a different view of you right now. Make sure and show her that you're still they you she's known and loved these past years.
I hope it all works out for you and your family. I'm thankful that my wife has been able to come around and be supportive. She doesn't get scared off by topics like SRS and post-op sex anymore (even if it means involving someone else now for penis, lol). She's offered for me to look through her wardrobe to see if there are things I could use, etc... It's quite amazing, and it can be for you too, I know it. Best of luck!
Hi Kristina,
Thanks for the kind words and support.
Quote from: KristinaM on October 27, 2015, 09:26:14 AM
Hey Katrina. Hugs! I only have a couple things to say, and I'm gonna try to keep it short, promise. :)
First off, as much pain as this has caused, congratulations on owning up to everything to your wife. She deserves to fully know the person she's living with and you deserve to have someone who fully knows you.
Thanks certainly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, took me months (nearly a year, with mitigating circumstances)
QuoteShe needs someone to talk to, you've covered that already, but I just wanted to reiterate it. After I told my wife, she nearly exploded with trying to keep it inside for like 2 weeks. I gave her permission to tell two of her best friends, and it helped tremendously.
Well my daughters now know, she needed to confide and did with our daughters, I must say when I got home from work after she had shared with one of my daughters, I felt absolutely in horror of what I had done, I just collapsed into a balling wreck in my wife's lap (totally distraught), despite my daughter texting me earlier to say "I still love you, no matter what" or words to that effect anyway, I just responded to her "I love you all so much xxx" and she came back with "xxx"
QuoteAlso, keep in mind that you wife has been living with you through years of HRT already. The majority of your changes should have already taken place. Moving forward with transition at this point will only really be clothes and self-presentation, and things you can finally talk freely about with others. Plus acceptance by others of course. You are likely already the person you always will be moving forward, so your relationship at home shouldn't really change much, again except for clothing and topics of conversation. The relationship dynamic will only change if you and her let it. You are still the same person, she just has a different view of you right now. Make sure and show her that you're still they you she's known and loved these past years.
Yes definitely, we talked about that again this morning, as the evening before we were talking about, well I was, about perhaps acquiring a small apartment so I can live there etc. In the morning she said she had not slept well as it was on her mind and said that now the girls know, she is in a much better place, and may have to meet Katy at some point.
All I can say is despite what I have done to her and my family, she is a rock, a superstar and I really do love and cherish her so much, but we both know that I will move ahead, and I said nothing would make me more complete in this world than to do that with her next to me.
QuoteI hope it all works out for you and your family. I'm thankful that my wife has been able to come around and be supportive. She doesn't get scared off by topics like SRS and post-op sex anymore (even if it means involving someone else now for penis, lol). She's offered for me to look through her wardrobe to see if there are things I could use, etc... It's quite amazing, and it can be for you too, I know it. Best of luck!
She still has not wanted to look yet, but we are now 3 weeks in and I think she may well come round, but initially she said rather than throw stuff out maybe she should offer me things ;) that was humerous. Also with Xmas coming up, my daughter said to my wife, well makes getting presents easier now, so much more choice (bless her, so love her/them).
I am happy that you are where, relationship wise, where I hope to be soon, certainly we have talked already about changes, she knows money will flit a bit and so it makes sense for me to stay at home with her, and also knows that I will need to move into PT proper real soon.
And thanks for your wishes
L Katy :-* :-*
Best wishes to you Katy, you deserve happiness and i hope this strengthens the relationship in the end.
Safe journey
love linda
Hey Katy,
I am proud of you for doing what I could not. My marriage fell apart with no more reason than I could not be open about who I have always been. Reading your courage and honesty is a lesson I could have used 25 years ago! LOL, nothing meant above I wish I had had the same courage as you are putting forth now. Worse part is, when I did tell my wife (yep, never remarried or even thought that direction again) 6 months ago, she accepted me with no question at all...the irony...
Anyway, no matter what happens, your honesty will count for volumes in terms of character. Attitudes temper over time once shock wears off. Allow her time as we can only imagine what our family and friends think when we reveal our hidden world to them. We have lived this for so long it is normal, even if we never outwardly state or show it. For everyone else, it is something new and often frightening. Your wife will come to her own understanding of who you are and your honesty will play a positive part in that, no matter which way the chips fall.
*hugz*, know you are not alone and you are loved no matter what and everything will come around in time.
Hi Katy,
So proud of you and how you are handling this. I am in the same place right now and it's very up and down, my wife is devastated by it all too and is going from denial to anger to reluctant resignation..... I am trying to support her as best I know how and hope to persuade her to attend therapy.
Stay strong xo
Dianne
I'm really proud of you! My first mention to my ex-wife was a disaster that unraveled into a bigger one. I wish the very best for you and your wife.
xx
Quote from: lindagrl on October 30, 2015, 06:38:25 AM
Best wishes to you Katy, you deserve happiness and i hope this strengthens the relationship in the end.
Safe journey
love linda
Hey Linda,
So lovely to hear from you, how are you?
Thanks for your kind words xx
As to how things will turn out, I will be happy I will get through this, it will be wonderful if I have company with the love of life as part of it.
I hope you are doing well...
L Katy xxx
Quote from: kaitylynn on October 30, 2015, 08:30:11 AM
Hey Katy,
I am proud of you for doing what I could not. My marriage fell apart with no more reason than I could not be open about who I have always been. Reading your courage and honesty is a lesson I could have used 25 years ago! LOL, nothing meant above I wish I had had the same courage as you are putting forth now. Worse part is, when I did tell my wife (yep, never remarried or even thought that direction again) 6 months ago, she accepted me with no question at all...the irony...
Anyway, no matter what happens, your honesty will count for volumes in terms of character. Attitudes temper over time once shock wears off. Allow her time as we can only imagine what our family and friends think when we reveal our hidden world to them. We have lived this for so long it is normal, even if we never outwardly state or show it. For everyone else, it is something new and often frightening. Your wife will come to her own understanding of who you are and your honesty will play a positive part in that, no matter which way the chips fall.
*hugz*, know you are not alone and you are loved no matter what and everything will come around in time.
Hi Kaity, Its funny, I have also told others about how being honest and open is the best way, but for myself with over 40 years of happy marriage on the one side, but an increasing agony of knowing I was on my second bout of Dysphoria, I couldn't myself.
I hated what I was doing but could not come around to saying. Now that I had to and now I have questioned why did I not come out sooner?
The family cannot get past my starting of HRT all those years ago, but I did not want to break everyone up, then not move ahead because I could not hit a certain level of womanhood, selfish, probably! certainly been thrown at me too.
Now its a roller coaster of emotions, I will survive and move on, my wife knows that, I am not pressing her too much, but she knows I will be starting Electro as soon as I can get an appointment. As far as living as Katrina... she is digging in on that one, not surprisingly, but she may come around, certainly we are talking joking and she asks me about what I have etc... so very, very open now... talk about 360 spin around.
It was certainly the hardest thing, she need to tell the kids, they were happier it was she telling them than I. The grandkids are unaware and the rule is to keep it that way till we feel its right form my perspective and my daughters thoughts.
Thanks for your words and thoughts... I am ok, just feeling so sorry for all those hurt in this, but I despite the pain of paining others, I am still pretty resolute. Hope its a shared journey... but time!
L Katy xxxxx
Quote from: DianneM on October 30, 2015, 08:54:31 AM
Hi Katy,
So proud of you and how you are handling this. I am in the same place right now and it's very up and down, my wife is devastated by it all too and is going from denial to anger to reluctant resignation..... I am trying to support her as best I know how and hope to persuade her to attend therapy.
Stay strong xo
Dianne
Hugz Dianne
We should be crying on each others shoulders sniff, sniff...
Yes the same, coming up on 4 weeks now, my daughters and son now know, as my wife just had to share, they were happy from her rather than me.
I do keep suggesting counselling/Therapy for us as a partner pair, marriage is gone, all bar divorce etc... but because of our age and how we have been through 40 odd years of marriage we are trying to find a common ground, at least till I go Full Time.
It is so hard trying comfort and help, when we are the cause, but she does tell me it helps talking. We have a lifelong friend in the UK from our early life together, she so wants to cry on her shoulder, I suggest she should Skype her and do just that, but its not the same! She has hinted that she wishes we were closer, so maybe she may reach out to my wife?
She knows that I am on a path of no return now... I've just got to try and keep a common link open between us until we can't meet in the middle anymore, or maybe we can?
I do hope you can both find that common ground, no matter how much we know we can't help who or what we are, for those not afflicted its hard to understand.
Thanks and best wishes to you too... stay strong yourself xxx
Oh and welcome in case I missed welcoming you because of the last few weeks of turmoil ;)
Hugs Katy :-*
Quote from: kylie1 on October 31, 2015, 12:02:14 AM
I'm really proud of you! My first mention to my ex-wife was a disaster that unraveled into a bigger one. I wish the very best for you and your wife.
xx
Hugs and thanks Kylie xxx
I am not sure where this will end up, I have a strong notion, but you never know.. she knows I am now driven and past the point of no return, actually years past it!
Thanks and trust you are in a better shape now.
Oh... and welcome to Susan's too xxx
Hugs
Katy :-*
Big hugs kat. Id like to highlight what you said: 'i tried so hard to be a male role model'
Sounds close to home. I tried so hard only God knows how hard i tried. But it was in vain. The moment i put on a dress i knew that was me.
Sendig lots of prayers yor way hoping that you girls stay together xxx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: clarabrown on November 03, 2015, 11:43:28 AM
The moment i put on a dress i knew that was me.
Yes. This. OMG.
Hi Katy and everyone on this thread....
I need hugs and prayers and strength....as I've said in previous post I recently came out to my wife.....it didn't go well and is getting worse.....she's convinced I have a mental illness and I'm following a 'dark path'....she told me that I am 'threatening my existence'..... I'm worried sick...I have 12 year old son from a previous marriage and she's even threatening to have him sent back to his alcoholic mother.....
Quote from: clarabrown on November 03, 2015, 11:43:28 AM
Big hugs kat. Id like to highlight what you said: 'i tried so hard to be a male role model'
Sounds close to home. I tried so hard only God knows how hard i tried. But it was in vain. The moment i put on a dress i knew that was me.
Sendig lots of prayers yor way hoping that you girls stay together xxx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hey Clara, thanks for those really kind words... and as for trying hard, yes, I thought I sucked, but apparently I did not appear that way, but interestingly I was always getting caught in awkward situations, with groups and the like. Hmmm!
But as for the putting a dress on, yes I wear them so much better xxx
Thanks for your post too...
Luv Yaa...
Katy xxxx
Quote from: DianneM on November 03, 2015, 02:11:09 PM
Hi Katy and everyone on this thread....
I need hugs and prayers and strength....as I've said in previous post I recently came out to my wife.....it didn't go well and is getting worse.....she's convinced I have a mental illness and I'm following a 'dark path'....she told me that I am 'threatening my existence'..... I'm worried sick...I have 12 year old son from a previous marriage and she's even threatening to have him sent back to his alcoholic mother.....
OH Dianne, I am so sorry to hear of your pain... biggest hugs ever
Hmm, my wife suggested that had I have talked about hormones she could have suggested something to block the female urges, I just looked at her and gently said, Its not just a mental illness its a total belief in who you really are, it takes both the urge and the want too.
Is she religious?
And I really hope your son does not go back to a toxic environment... my heart is really with you xxxx
Please take care.... and as I said lots of big hugs to you (Sorry I have been dealing with a couple of things over the last few days.
L Katy :-* :-* :-*
Hi Katy,
Thanks for the positive thoughts and hugs.... I have an appointment with a lawyer Wednesday and will update after that. My wife is religious when she wants to be and is now in therapy with a Christian counselor. I am a religious person also but believe that it's a very personal thing and I don't atte church but do sit in sanctuary quite often. She also thinks I have a hormonal imbalance and its affecting me mentally........I'm staying positive and my transition is moving ahead now and I'm so happy and excited about it!! I have electrolysis at 11 this morning and.... I can't wait.......😳😳👠👠
Hugs
Dianne
xo
Hope it all goes well for you Dianne
Fingers and toes crossed xx
My wife thought that I could just ask the Dr for tablets that would supress my Womanly feelings, I told here what that would mean and she dropped the subject, think she was thinking Viagra ;)
Anyway hope you are OK
Hugs
Katy xx