Hi there, my name is Sophie.
I'm 22 years old and a pre-everything closeted trans girl.
My hobbies include, writing, drawing, comics and anime, and video gaming. (I'm a total nerd.)
This is my first time publically writing anything about my gender identity, bear with me. I'm totally a nervous wreck right now.
I started feeling girly (Is that the right word?) around the age of 10. I was into girly things, like Barbies and Disney Princesses. I always kept it a secret from everyone. I felt that I related more to girls and I got along with them better than I did guys. Male things seemed to disgust me. Like playing in the dirt and stuff like that. I didn't really know why at that point in time why I felt that way. I had a female cousin who I often played with and stayed at her house. I often tried on her clothes ( I know, sounds weird) and I felt really good. I felt beautiful. I also sat down to pee, only standing up if I really had to.
By the time I got into high school, I kind of kept these feelings repressed out of the fear that I would be bullied. I was already picked on in school, mainly because I was an antisocial nerd. I lived in a rural, predominately christian community where if you didn't fit in with the crowd, you were ostracized and bullied. As I continued on, I felt more and more out of place. I felt like I was in the wrong body. I thought and felt like a female. But puberty hit me like frieght train and I become more masculine, which only made me feel more uncomfortable. But I kept it locked away deep inside me. I only let those feelings go when I was writing in my diary.
Day by day I kept feeling more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. I was scared what would happen if I talked to my parents about it, since my parents were racists and homophobes. So I never told them. They still don't know to this day. I got to the point where even my own voice disgusted me, so I never talked unless I absolutely had to. And in very little words as possible. I always kept my legs and chest shaved, even though it grew back really fast. Then my feelings and actions became more and more drastic, I even tried unsuccessfully to cut off my male genetalia. I then began to contemplate suicide, hoping that I would be reborn as a girl. Luckily I never acted on it. I often sat in my room and cried for hours, just wishing I could become who I wanted to be.
I eventually joined an online roleplay community to show off my writing and fanfiction skills. I made many friends, but I never revealed that I was biologically male. It felt like the only place I could be myself. It was an escape from the dreadful reality I lived in. My parents, especially my mom, were heavy partiers and drinkers. They often would come home at 2am drunk, beating, fighting, and yelling at each other. I felt my world was collapsing around me. The only escape was my online family. They helped me and comforted me, even though I still hid my secret from them.
To this day, very few people know my secret. I still dress up when I'm alone. I bought a locking trunk and then went to goodwill and bought various womens clothing, dresses, skirts, the like. I kept everything locked in this trunk and kept it in the back of my car. I exercise and eat healthy to try and maintain a feminine figure. One day, I want to become the girl I truly want to be.
A hearty welcome to Susan's, Sophie. I'm happy that you found this site and that you can be yourself. I'm sorry that you cannot share this with your parents. One of the best things I did was create a blog in which I could record my feelings. It was such a relief during my days of struggle. I still maintain the blog.
You will hear from more folks here so feel free to share your thoughts. You can be yourself here.
:)
Don't feel shy around us! ^_^ Most of us went through the same things that you described. Some people know very early on that they trans, and others can spend most of their lives with these feelings bottled up inside. You should feel good that you came out (even if it's 'just' on an internet forum), because everything starts out with small steps. You are still relatively young and you have a whole life ahead of you!
Welcome to Susan's and enjoy your stay! ;D
Welcome. Pull up a chair and get involved!
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Cindi
I think that everyone writing their introduction post here is nervous. Often it's the first time we have ventured out of our own minds with our authentic selves. But if you stay you'll soon find out how much you have in common with a whole lot of other people. So, welcome to the group! :-)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Sophie :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Hi Sophie, I'm Catherine,
I looked up your name in the phone book and couldn't find anyone else who was nervous. Are you sure you got the spelling right?
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
Frorm what you've said, you are quite normal. Just be a bit cautious of the handles you hang on youself. As Anna would say, "Labels are for Lolly Jars."
Birth abnormalities (we all have them) come in such a diversity, it's hard to categorise them all. I even doubt you are a 'nerd' you claim to be. I have yet to meet a nerd, but I've met some very interesting people who are far better than me in my lifetime.
Getting serious for a minute, there are a few things you need to consider. (1) To get a better understanding of yourself and to stop any potential self harm and further psychological harm, you need to seek the counsel of a gender therapist. They are good at helping you navigate the labyrinth of your emotions and feelings. (2) You are not defined by what is, or not, between your legs. It's whats between your ears is the important bit. How you honestly feel, is who you are. Don't waste time dreaming of becoming a girl, because you are already one. You are not in the wrong body (it was the only one available at the time. Everyone else's was taken. You ARE born in the right body, it just has a few imperfections that can be adjusted)
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Thank you all so much! I definitely feel welcomed and loved here ^_^
Hi Honey,
Welcome from another Aussie!
Lovely to see you here with your new family who do understand what you are going through!
You have a wonderful life ahead of you and deserve happiness, so please join in and enjoy yourself here with new friends.
Cindy