I am feeling the most overwhelming doubts this weekend... I can't decipher myself and want to have something that I know. Even Descartes (I think, therefore I am) knew that he existed... but I would like to know in what form that it is that I exist. I am finding life a bit hard to take at this point, just due to the fact that my own mind refuses to stop with... ugh I can't concentrate it's noisy at dairy queen. I came in boy mode with my nails still painted, and it's tolerable but weird and much less comfortable. The dad at the next table looked at me with a shocked pause when he walked by... I'm less self-conscious but less comfortable.
I do have a question for those of you who have any more definitive feedback.
Having times when you just shut down and think "What a mistake I've made already... I have to stop" as long as it isn't every week or anything, is that within the range of being nothing to worry about?
I can relate to that. While I have no doubts at all that I need to do this I often have doubts that because of the way society is that I might just end up trading one set of bad problems for another one. I just remember that the old problem was really bad and the possible ones might just be mostly phantoms of my fear.
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Quote from: Deborah on October 25, 2015, 06:45:46 PM
I can relate to that. While I have no doubts at all that I need to do this I often have doubts that because of the way society is that I might just end up trading one set of bad problems for another one. I just remember that the old problem was really bad and the possible ones might just be mostly phantoms of my fear.
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Can you explain the last bit please? I'm not sure I quite understand. One example?
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seems like your having a very difficult and emotionally draining day..maybe it is just today..somedays are more draining then others on everyone..be gentle with yourself..because this world may not be at times..you are your own best advocate..doubt can be difficult but having a peaceful state of mind is when you make choices and decisions..not when one is upset..so if you can take some time to do something that calms your mind..music helps..sometimes i need to just find a peace and quiet in my home after the craziness and after things usually seem much more clear to me..I hope that helps you
also i learned yoga,,it is really healthy if you can make some time to study it..it teaches you to relax your body when you are in uncomfortable positions..similar to the way life puts us in situations we get anxious and uncomfortable in as well..breathing techniques form yoga hep a great deal..we tighten up when we are upset..get less oxygen tighten up and stress ourselves out by holding our shoulders too tight or squeexing our back muscles ...maybe this would help you a bit..if not and I know it may seem like hippy dippy kind of stuff..but it helps..anyways best of luck to you..i hope you are okay.
Quote from: MichelleZelda on October 25, 2015, 06:47:10 PM
Can you explain the last bit please? I'm not sure I quite understand. One example?
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I'm mainly afraid of losing my job. I spent one year unemployed because of the economy before I could go back to the job. It pays very well and during that year of no work I found with my age, experience, and education there are no other jobs I can get hired for and certainly no other ones that pay thus well. That's my fear.
On the other hand I am a federal gov't contractor and should be protected by law. But since nobody else ever has transitioned here I'm not totally sure the law is enough. Plus I am pretty well known and respected so it's not like I can slide by mostly unnoticed.
That's my Phantom of the future. My bad problem of the past was being miserable with dysphoria.
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My dysphoria doesn't make me miserable, it just makes misery from other things worse. Here in Canada, I think if law were blatantly ignored like that by the government, heads would roll to say the least.
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Quote from: MichelleZelda on October 25, 2015, 07:09:40 PM
My dysphoria doesn't make me miserable, it just makes misery from other things worse. Here in Canada, I think if law were blatantly ignored like that by the government, heads would roll to say the least.
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Nobody can blatently ignore the law but they can easily just not renew the contract when that comes up every year.
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Dear "I AM": (yes you are)
At some point I found myself getting lost in the mind games, and even today I still can't answer who am I. For who I am is what I create in others (or they do for themselves) with respect to who I am, for I am no one without the world about me. Without a doubt you are and the only question is what.
It's sort of like picking a flavor of ice cream, strawberry or ?? (you know what you want), and also who you are to the extent that can be known at this time. Choose it and believe it even in the face of no agreement if necessary and very quickly the world will make itself around what you've chosen to be. If you want to tweak it or change it wholesale it's OK to do so; it's your life.
I am not being flippant here; truly, choose who you want and are called to be, and do what that person does. That's confronting (yep, it was for me) because it strips away all the story and leaves one decidedly in charge of their life (My therapist was wonderful at me owning that and it took nearly nine months of intensive work.). I get circumstances may not be comfortable when we do that, but eventually (and most here will say prolonged waiting wasn't/isn't helpful) it comes to that.
It's about who you really be and the moment you seize that concept and act upon it is the day when life as it should be begins in full throated song. Of course, therapy, support groups, good medical advice/treatment, healthy living are necessary supports along the way . . . your primary role is to be who you are and embrace that with all your love and joy. There'll be bumps in the road but when aren't there?
Sent to you with all my joy and love for you to be you,
Rachel