So I'm finally going to meet with the mysterious Dr. Dugi, the doctor who will be performing SRS for the Oregon Health Plan.
I have loads of questions for him before I even start to consider going under the knife! I'm more than a little scared that he's never done this before (though I have some reassurance that he has a background in reconstructive urology and has fixed patients who were messed up by other surgeons).
I'll be honest though: I really want to say yes. I really want to make a date THEN AND THERE. I'm so close to finally being free of this weird, awkward growth between my legs that has been dragging down my love life, my options for wardrobe, my self-image, and my general comfort with being seen around other women. I'm so close to finally being able to go off those awful androgen blockers that sap my energy and leave me feeling tired and achy. I'm so close to finally being a whole, complete woman.
And yet, I don't want my current nightmare to give way to another nightmare. I'm still afraid that an inexperienced surgeon could leave me with a future as a mutilated woman. I'm still afraid that the surgery won't be everything I had hoped, even though I know some of what to expect. I'm standing at the edge of an irreversible decision.
But I'll tell, you, if I could take a magic pill and wake up tomorrow with a vagina, I would. I WOULD. And with magic pills in tragically short supply (i.e. none), this is the risk I have to take.
I won't jump into it without being sure this doctor can deliver the goods... but if his first few surgeries go well and he delivers the goods, then I'm going for it. I'm not going to wait any longer than I have to. I am so ready to just be free of this nagging feeling that I'm not there yet. I pass almost 100%, I'm accepted as a woman by friends and peers, and I have a wonderful fiance who accepts me for who I am and these are wonderful things, but I need to do this for me. I need to do this so that I'm not constantly preoccupied with how weird and awkward it feels to have male parts.