I've been running scenarios through my head with the thought of plan for the worst, hope for the best expect something unexpected when I tell my wife of my suspicions of being transgendered or at the very least some form of gender dysphoria.
I've come up with the spectrum of "Get out of the house right now"/"I'm leaving and won't be back" through "tolerate" to "I've had the same thoughts about myself but didn't now how to bring it up." What I expect is confusion, questions, feelings of betrayal, anguish.
From this site and others I've come to these realizations:
1) be 100% honest
2) everything is about her not me
3) the first few minutes are important
4) be educated
5) expect the unexpected
What I'm looking for from other member are two things:
1) Did you try to set the stage/explain yourself before you "dropped the bomb"?
2) what reactions did you get and what did you do right and wrong.
I would say come prepared with information, and a plan of what you're intending to do next.
The reaction I got was basically doubt, and the expectation that I would forget about it once something else came along to distract me, but support until then.
I need to preface this with the fact that I've never been married and never dealt with others opinion of what I'm doing. That said, I'm a little concerned about the statement everything is about her not me. I may be misunderstanding this , but to put blame on her for you condition doesn't seem the best way to approach this. Just my opinion and not intended to cause harm.
Stephanie, you misunderstand. It's her emotions, her reactions that are important. What she is feeling, what she is thinking. I've had time to digest what it all means (slowly over 40 years!), she will have had minutes/hours. Trying not to be "I this..." and "I that..." The idea is to bring her feelings out and come to grips with them. I'm comfortable with my situation, she won't be. The goal is to make her understand, for her to be comfortable, for her to, hopefully, accept.
In NO WAY is this her doing, her cause, her influence.
This very idea actually has been a theme on many discussions I've read.
Quote from: pj on October 28, 2015, 09:10:02 AM
Stephanie, you misunderstand. It's her emotions, her reactions that are important. What she is feeling, what she is thinking. I've had time to digest what it all means (slowly over 40 years!), she will have had minutes/hours. Trying not to be "I this..." and "I that..." The idea is to bring her feelings out and come to grips with them. I'm comfortable with my situation, she won't be. The goal is to make her understand, for her to be comfortable, for her to, hopefully, accept.
In NO WAY is this her doing, her cause, her influence.
This very idea actually has been a theme on many discussions I've read.
Yeah, this..
When i came out to my partner i made it clear that while it's my body, he still has a right to voice an opinion, and to specific info on my treatment plans if he wants it; he's allowed to decide when we come out to his family as it's kind of outing him as well, etc.
However I made sure this right didn't extend too far - I'm not delaying transition for anyone and i expect to be out soon to my own family.
I would also encourage your wife to find someone to talk to who isn't you, like a separate therapist or a friend that you know will be discreet? I wish my bf had someone but he's pretty stubborn and i guess it's his choice.
My opinion is that if one is married the feelings and desires of the other are important and cannot be discarded for "this is my way." That goes for both sides of course.
Anyway, when I told my wife it was anticlimactic. It was also complicated by the fact that English is not her primary language. So I had to find stuff on the Internet in her language and hope I printed what I thought I was printing. This was even further complicated by the fact that the automatic translators do very poorly between her language and mine LOL.
Anyway she knew I cross dressed and hated that with a violent passion. When I finally told her about the TS and explained it the hostility changed to passive acceptance. We are still married after 33 years.
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All good advice. One more thing, it will sink in slowly if at all. The first words out of your mouth will set her mind racing. She'll start seeing scenarios in her mind. Half or more of what you say won't get through, even if you're answering a question she asked. Be patient and prepared to repeat. DON'T say "I already told you", if she repeats a question. Her first reaction is liable to be panic. It's not likely that whatever comes out of her mouth then will be her final reaction so don't let it panic YOU.
Quote from: pj on October 28, 2015, 08:22:19 AM
What I'm looking for from other member are two things:
1) Did you try to set the stage/explain yourself before you "dropped the bomb"?
2) what reactions did you get and what did you do right and wrong.
PJ, To your questions, (Because there is no one way to do this)...
1. I made arrangements for us to be alone, no distractions on a Friday evening with a free weekend ahead. That was 3 years ago and we are still finding our way (Because there is no one way to be authentic)
2) Believe it or not, she thought I was going to say I gay and that I was leaving for someone else. I think now that the dust settled she is relieved. I wish I had told her sooner. I wish I had admitted it to myself sooner, because the clock never stops ticking, until it stops ticking for good.
Good luck, hope you both find your way. xo - Holly
Hi pj,
Having been through this, let me explain what happened. But before doing so, please don't approach your wife with a "suspicion". Approach her with medical facts, and that no one is to blame. Let her know you love her. Please don't add the rider "still" Saying you "still" love someone, suggests it's under duress or conditional of some fact.
What I'm looking for from other member are two things:
1) Did you try to set the stage/explain yourself before you "dropped the bomb"?
2) what reactions did you get and what did you do right and wrong.
I knew well in advance of transitioning (intuitively) that my transition would not survive the marriage, for several reasons. Announcing the fact would cause the status to change from if, to when, the relationship would dissolve. Still didn't make the job of explaining it any easier.
Once the discussion was over we gave ourselves several weeks to determine the next course of action. My ex accepted the fact it was an in utero defect and no one was to blame. Still didn't make it any easier for her. My choice was to continue with transition for mental health reasons. We mutually chose to end the relationship based on irreconcilable differences. Still didn't make it easy, but in hindsight was the best decision. 32years is a big chunk to wash away.
I was planning to stage the explanation, however a series of unexpected external events gazumped that. So I just had to face the music and here we go. Box and a half of tissues later it was all out.
Right or wrong? Right. The explanation was a series of searchable medical facts and how it applied to me. This answered a lot of my ex's unanswered queries over the years. All the dots lined up so to speak.
Wrong: I should have done it much, much earlier in the relationship to mitigate the collateral damage. Sh*t happens. You just need to pick yourself up and move forward.
Just remember, the only person you can change is; you. You have absolutely zit control over how someone else understands or is prepared to change. That's entirely their domain and responsibility. Your job is to be absolutely and totally honest. Withholding nothing, and not accepting anyone else's judgement or criticism, as it may be born of their anger and frustration.
Run your feelings past your therapist just as a sounding board.
Wishing you both light and energy in these times
Huggs
Catherine
After years of knowing I was different and gender non-conforming she asked what I thought of Caitlyn Jenner. She asked if I wanted to do that. I told her I didn't know for sure. Deer in the headlights look for her. That was a few months ago. She was mad, sad, hurt, feeling betrayed and alone. She couldn't look at me. I promised that I would work on my issues and also promised to never transition. That was because I actually couldn't say that was what I wanted. So I fudged the issue a bit. I was seeing a gender therapist and had been for some time. Last week I tried to explain what dysphoria was. She reacted even more strongly and started planning our divorce and how we would split everything up. She called me nasty names and slept on the couch. The next day we talked some more and a few days ago we both saw my therapist together. The therapist provided some names of therapists for her to talk to. We both want to be together. We are working hard on that and I'm not pushing moving forward with transition. She agreed that shaving my legs, having long hair and earrings does not scream to the world and her that I'm a girl. It helps me and she allowed that things like that are okay. I'm trying to blend the genders to make it better. It does help. Yes it does. Where will we end up? I've not a clue. But talking and working maybe with her seeing someone to talk to can result in something that works for us both. My dysphoria is less than it has been for some reason.
PJ- I echo the good advice, and think you have a good platform to start from. I would also suggest that it is a process and that this will hopefully be the first of many discussions. You only have to tell her the first time once; that is a blessing. My experience was in the past and rather chaotic as I was still uncertain about what this really was. My wife knew that I crossdressed for a long time and I had shared with her that I was really confused about my gender identity AND sexual orientation. Amazingly, she did not have a problem with this and we were able to dialogue while I put on my make-up and dressed most nights. However, it later changed when one of our daughters saw a picture of me and asked my wife about it. I was totally unprepared and said, something like, "I think I am gay and a crossdresser, but I am not sure." Fast forward, after much research and therapy, I had finally understood what this was and that I was a trangender woman. I began to try and reframe it with my wife and children. She was by then terribly resistant and threatened divorce. She also solicited the support of our two girls. Long story short, we have had numerous conversations and I have tried to help educate her/them about the process. She is a bright woman, so she has done a through investigation of the literature herself. I am more private now, but have contined the trajectory of my transition with HRT and by mapping out a plan for living FT, FFS, and SRS after the dysphoria become intense. We have episodic conversations about where I am. It is slow going. But, I certaintly wish I had had more information and had been better prepared the first time the issue presented. Your preparation seems well reasoned and I hope that at least it begins a dialogue. Hugs, Sheila
Quote from: pj on October 28, 2015, 08:22:19 AM
What I'm looking for from other member are two things:
1) Did you try to set the stage/explain yourself before you "dropped the bomb"?
2) what reactions did you get and what did you do right and wrong.
Hey PJ - I had the same thoughts swirling in my head before I decided to bring me being transgender with my wife. This forum was so helpful, and grateful I was able to find this site. The stories from others were reassuring, and educating.
Regardless, my head was immediately going to the worst case.
When I told her that I wanted to be a women, she was shocked (this I expected) ... She immediately asked if I was gay - wanting to be with a man after transition (didn't expect that question, but didn't even think about it even coming up.) I told her that I'm attracted to women, and women will always be my preference. So joked with her that I guess I would be lesbian :)
She was a little freaked out, so I let her process the information given and when she was ready to talk about it further. She was getting very stressed out, because she had no outlet for her feelings, thoughts, etc... She needed someone to talk to, and she asked me if she could talk to her sister (they are very close.) I thought about it, a little worried, but she needed a support system to help process so I allowed her to tell her. That went fine, her sister is helping her and she completely supports me too.
After some time, the shock and awe dissipated, and she become more and more accepting of who I am and what I want to do. We had a number of conversations about our marriage and relationship. We're taking it day by day, but she was very quick to tell me she wasn't attracted to women. Right now we don't know if we'll stay together. But we do know that we'll always be family, that will never go away. She also wanted to help me through out the whole process.
Right now, we're at the point where she'll help me shop for clothes, said she'll help with makeup (kind of waiting for her to engage on that, rather then telling her, let's do makeup now.) She's seen me wear panties, but that's it for right now. We're working on seeing me fully dressed. Like the makeup, at this point I'm waiting for her to bring up, "hey I want to see you as a women" ... rather then me telling/asking her, "do you want to see me as a women." Don't know if waiting for her to bring it up is the right approach, but we're still early with all this and trying to be reasonable, and sensitive to her feelings. She did marry a male, so waiting a month of two on clothes isn't a problem. Especially since she is accepting to me starting HRT soon.
Plus, we have an 8 month old daughter, so we're cautious of her, and figuring out how to handle that.
Things I would have done differently ... I made the wrong choice of first starting the conversation as I like to crossdress, when I knew I was transgender and wanted to be a women. Luckily she already knew that was the end goal, but waited for me to finally just come out a say it. I should have just told her I was transgender from the get go.
My advice:
- Wouldn't do a complete information dump. Break it up into chunks, and spread the conversations across a few days/weeks/months. (Unless of course she asks for more info, or wants to talk it all out right then and there, then go for.)
- Give her time to process the information.
- 100% honest on what your end goal is.
- Have a plan in place if she needs a support system of her own (siblings, therapist, etc...), you may have to come out to someone else to let her talk to someone that isn't you.
- Reassure her of your love and commitment to the marriage. If after you transition you want to continue the marriage, say that. If after transition, you wish to not continue to marriage ... Not sure about that one. I would say maybe hold off, or phrase it carefully.
- Always follow your best judgement, try to put yourself in her shoes.
- Open communication, answer her questions truthfully.
Hopefully all these replies helps! Hugs!
I'd like to add that "be 100% honest" also entails being honest with yourself. If you haven't been seeing a real gender therapist, or in a TG support group, can you honestly say with absolute certainty that you NEED to do X, Y, and Z in order to live another day, week, month, year?
I sure could not and six years later cannot. Even when my wife asked "Say we win the big mega jackpot for umpteen gazillion $$$$, would you fully transition, get SRS, and whatever else?".
"No F'n clue" was my answer. I had (at that point) ZERO experience out in the real world as Joanne. Even today with some (sheltered) experience from living part-time as female, I still cannot say. What do I gain vs what do I loose? A gazillion $$ makes a decision easier but any permanency?
My wife always knew I was TG. She also was told of my previous two "experiments" with transitioning in my early 20's. Still dropping the T-Bomb did not go well at first. No way will a spouse not react to seeing their world, a life they fantasized about, totally blowing up. The feelings of betrayal, being played, the blaming themselves for not seeing the signs (ie: your hints) will all race through their head
Be honest, open, and do a lot of talking. Also don't get sidetracked during emotional discussions by a hurt. Listen to the message, not the words or how. Later, after a rest if you still feel hurt, even after knowing it may have been the reptilian brain lashing out, gently bring it up.
For HD talks my wife and I find it best to essentially "Schedule an appointment". Serious discussions should not just be dropped on someone. I'm sure you know all too well to hear an earfull as soon as you walk in the door after a hard day at work. Same goes for your SO.
My wife found my stuff while I as at work. I had no platform. I just decided to tell everything. The first I said to her is that I love her. I spent an hour telling what transpired inside of me. She was shocked :o by what I told her. In time she accepted who I was.
It's important to be truthful and upfront. Don't force anything but let her digest what you said. It takes patience and time. Answer whatever questions she may have. Always have information.
:)
I don't have much to add here, since I am currently writing a letter to my wife (through a lot of tears). No one knows her better than you, so trust your gut. And also approach in love, in partnership, in friendship.
It sounds like you're really well prepared, actually. In my own observations, the couples who are able to communicate well and the trans people willing to give their partners time and space to adjust have the best chance of success. (The overall statistics are about 50-50 according to the latest study, too, so not bad odds.)
My wife panicked, basically. She's a worrier and she hates change, so this wasn't a surprise. She spent months depressed and filled with anxiety - and not incidentally, stressing me out! - about everything from whether I'd lose my job to what her family would say. In the end, it's several years later and we're still here and still happily, romantically involved... and I do still have my job! (Her family, unfortunately, disowned her.) So it can be done, and the approach you're taking with love and patience and understanding is probably the best way to go about it.
Good luck.
I was clueless about what was going on with me, so my experience unrolled over a period of a few years as I figured out bits and pieces. I always told her each time I figured out a piece since I knew that she was along for the ride.
At the end when I had figured out the last piece she already knew what was going to happen and then she had her own decisions to make. She decided that she wasn't a lesbian and she needed a man and she walked away from a 27 year committed relationship. I can't blame her.
Through this process I watched her slowly go through the stages of grief with each thing I told her. At the end, before she left, she had changed - our relationship had irrevocably changed as well. I could see her struggling with it - there was denial, anger, bargaining, negotiation, and finally a sad acceptance and a goodbye.
Hello,
I will admit that I wasn't prepared for the reaction I got. I had built myself into being sure that my marriage would end and she would hate me.
I started out the conversation with bringing up some things that had been issues between us off and on for a long time. I then offered up the reasons I had come up with. Her first reaction was confusion, then a growing "that makes so many things make sense" feeling. We then spent an hour talking and crying together. Since then she has been incredibly supportive, and as of right now wants to stay married.
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TRIGGER WARNINGS --
I had some big advantages in the acceptance area because:
1) My wife is Filipino, and the Philippines is one of the world's more tolerant societies for LGBT folks. Their most prominent TV talk show host is a genderqueer gay man named Vice Ganda, and they had their Caitlyn Jenner moment in 2002 when macho movie action star Rustom Padilla (name provided for informational purposes only) transitioned into a beautiful woman named DJ Bibingkahan. But even back into the 1980's their film industry has routinely cast gender nonconforming individuals in comedy roles and for the past ten or fifteen years in dramatic roles. Vice Ganda starred in a homegrown remake of "Private Benjamin" that was the second biggest grossing movie in Philippine history. There was a recent incident where a U.S. Navy sailor murdered a transgender girl in Olongapo, and if you watch the Philippine news broadcasts on the trial, you will see their handling of the matter in the courts and in society is light years ahead of the way things are in the U.S.
2) My wife's youngest brother is gay, and she has an older sister who is MTF transgender.
My biggest problem in coming out was explaining the differences between myself (deeply closeted my whole life) and my sister in law, who was very feminine as a small child and totally out since her teens. In that respect, seeing Caitlyn Jenner was a huge help. My wife noticed some commonalities such as the pursuit of similar sports and hobbies before transitioning.
I approached coming out from a scientific perspective because my wife works in a health care related industry. I started out with the probability that I was a DES baby, and my premature birth, which she knew about, and then went into what I thought was underneath the panic attacks and high blood pressure I had been suffering from for the past ten years. When my wife saw what dressing did for my blood pressure and anxiety level, she was fully on board.
She does not want me to publicly transition because she fears for my career and how I will be treated.
That may change, though. I am not on hormones yet, but I have permission to leave the house partially dressed.
All in all, life is good.
My wife has been wonderful and extremely supporting. I guess i am a lucky woman because she is a therapist and since we are both academics and very familiar with 'how the brain works' we are adjusting to my transition slower than the average, per se, but still together and supportive.
She bought me all my clothes, makeup, taught me how to walk, how to sit, how to speak, how to put on makeup, etcetera.
I would have made a mess without her help.
I come from a super loving but ignorant family in these matters. I had low T all my life and my parents never took me to an endo. I always wondered why boys had facial hair and i didnt, why i looked like a fricken girl and they didnt. Now my low t is a blessing rather than a curse
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Hi -
You've gotten some great responses here, so I'll do this quickly:
Shock - anger - anger - regret - withdrawal - anger - abhorrence - resignation - separation - divorce - long-term regret & sorrow (We haven't seen each other since our separation 15+ years ago.)
In all honesty, she was and is a great lady. My GD and treatment was a bridge too far after 34 years of marriage.
Rachel
THANK YOU ALL.
So here's how it finally went.
UNEVENTFUL.
We were hugging in the kitchen and I was being a little more huggy than normal. She sensed something was wrong and I took a breath and said "I think I have Gender Dysphoria." She asked a few questions, like "why do you think so" etc... but the one that threw me was "I've known for years, why did you tell me before?"
WHAT? She didn't know the term nor what to look up on the Internet, but she know I was conflicted years ago. We talked for a bit, she took a shower and got ready to go out. We had plans on going for a drive anyway, so 3 hours in the car just talking. NO tears, NO real emotion (two engineers tend to be analytical rather than emotional) I told her what I wanted and don't want (I draw a line at the belt, she draws the line in the bedroom). She would be uncomfortable with me taking a "female role in the bed" (use your imagination).
I think over time, we will both come to grips and find where each other's lines are.
I'll post details on this later, but MAN-O-MAN what a weight off my shoulders. I've not been this "clear of thought" in probably 10 years.
Thank you everyone for your posts/replies. They helped.
That's wonderful news!! So glad to hear it, and thanks for coming back with the update. :)
PJ -
SO HAPPY FOR YOU (BOTH)!!! "The things we worry most about are always the ones that DON'T happen". Now go start sorting things out!!! Good luck, we'll talk soon - xo Holly
I told my wife before we were married that I was a ->-bleeped-<-,that's the only label I knew at the time,11 years into our marriage and only wearing nities occasionally,and dressing in private,I was self destructive and started a internet affair and got caught,I wanted too be caught. The short story is we talked for 3 days nonstop,no sleep,and the whole ugly mess reared its head and I finally told her the whole story,her response was you want too wear makeup,so she made me up and I looked like the bearded lady,next day she had me fully shave and made me up again. What helped her was her sister who lives with us,who is very accepting of Cheryl,and bought my first wig,my wife liked it.we are 16 yrs later and we still do this together,I like my life like it is now,and srs is not for me,neither is hrt since I already have a woman looking body. Its been a rough 27 yrs together,but one I cherish,for we are very close more now than at the beginning.
Very happy for you PJ and your wife, such great news. Thanks for the update!