Greetings!
I had my first therapy session a week ago. It was like coming out for me, as it was the first time verbalizing the details of what I am going through. It felt so good to get it out.
I am 51. It has felt like I missed my window to transition, and my situation at home would resist me from pursuing taking steps to becoming the person I wish to be.
My second session is still a week away. Note to self..........2 weeks is way too long in between appointments.
The first session opened up the flood gates of emotions.
I am taking this time to "try on" the thought of hormone therapy and how it would look in my world. Outside of myself there is no room for it. Inside, my heart, mind, body and soul is screaming for it.
D
Congrats!
I still find it amazing how actually speaking something out loud to another person and especially hearing yourself say it has such a different emotional impact then simply thinking them. Same goes for journelling. Writing sort of forces you to focus more on the feelings rather then simply reacting to them
Thank you Joanne.
I am finding talking and journaling is a great help. I am so thankfull for this forum to be able to do so. I am so emotional right now. By taking the first step has awakened the sleeping giant. I am caught in this "in between" state of being, not able to exist as a male any longer, but my situation requires me to. Not being able to be outwardly female, as my situation prevents me. The complexities of this are baffling.
To pursue my journey would most likely come at a tremendous cost. Financially of course, but also the cost of everything I have spent my life working towards.
To put it all on the line to move forward tells me how powerful of a condition gender dysphoria is, and not to be underestimated or dismissed. I have managed to make it this far by coping in various ways. I am tired of fighting it.
This is way bigger than anything I can handle alone.
I am reaching out for help.
D
I completely understand the hesitation the need to have to fight to keep your financial gains. I finally decided that I wanted to be happy instead of fighting. Then, after transition, I had to fight for equal pay as a woman. It never ends for us it seems.
Someday perhaps the world will see us differently. I see many changes happening.
Cindi
I know the fight well between a semi-invalid depressed chronically ill wife of 30 years, or hopes, wishes and dreams of a future, and financial responsibilities all come ahead of chasing after a dream. Other needs and priorities come first to which I think I am amongst the lucky ones. I have a choice.
I still do all I can to find happiness and joy in having a life that is more genuinely me
My wife (unknowing of my condition) and I took on the responsibility of internationally adopting an orphaned child. I made a commitment to the well being of this child to the end. I love her beyond words.
In a sense, she would be losing her Dad.
She see's me for who I am at times. Referring to me as such a pretty girl, jokingly. Then calls me mommy, oops I mean daddy. I in no way present myself as female around her. It's like she can see right through me.
The cost far exceeds anything financial.
I seek to find a balance, if that is even possible.
Which do you think would be better for your child. Two happy mothers who love her or one depressed father and a mother? What she will gain in exchange for the father she will lose? I think her life will be far better if you are comfortable with yourself. Younger children adjust much better because they only worry about who loves them and not about what others think. The balance is a life where you are happy with yourself. Just explain to to her that your inside will never change and it's only the outside that's changing.
OK ....group hug!
Thank you for hearing me.
Thank you for responding.
D
Hi Dorian,
I can so relate to how you feel, i am in a similar situation and point in my life.
Its so comforting to realise that your not the only one, and others are in the same situation. Talking about it for the first time to someone is a revelation. such a relief. i cried afterwards.
Hugs
Bernadette (((^_))
Bernadette, you are not alone sister!
Dena, thank you for your insight. I hope my wife is understanding and accepting. It is going to take work.
Gratefully,
D
2 more days until my next session. It can't come soon enough. The first was an initial consult that rolled right into a lengthy session. I am so grateful the universe led me to her. She is wonderful.
It is time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. I am so ready to pull back the layers of emotions that has been consuming my focus. Time to get real.
My girl world has been stealth for so long, it seems distant from reality.
I seek her.
On Becoming She.
D
Hi Dorian,
Thanks for sharing and I hope you find your path. I'm 57 and just starting transition I have therapy tomorrow and I can't wait to get there! The years of denial have caused all of the emotions to flood out of me and it's all overwhelming at times but it's filled with excitement and happiness as well as the sadness of what I know I'll be giving up.
Good luck....
Dianne
xo
Dorian, it is NEVER too late to become who you are meant to be. I have met many women that started early and many that started late. There is a common thread, once on a path to self fulfillment...we all feel happier. Not saying that there are not trials, but the challenge of internal conflict being scratched off (or at least minimized) is HUGE.
Live love, no regrets and no remorse for being you. Each moment we spent before the point of our decision has a purpose too!
Maybe today will bring me closer to defining the blurred line I have been straddling.
Clarity of the direction to go.
I find myself standing at the crossroad of cross gender.
Facing making a decision.
Is this a selfish act?
I know in my heart what I want.
I was seeking clarity going into today's session. That is what I took from it.
This was one of those few moments in life, for me, that was perfectly clear.
Today revealed what I already knew, but was clouded by doubt, guilt and denial.
It was a great example of what effective counseling can achieve.
Moving forward.
Get past the grieving.
I had not realized the constant presence of the feeling of loss. It became the new normal.
As time went on, I was losing her, my inner she.
Then only to realize that she is me.
The loss is being at the crossroad.
D
:) keep going, keep going :) you are doing great
The answer is within you already Dorian. A great therapist will help you to 'realize' your potential while attaining your dream as they help coax the answers from within you. Go into this knowing that 'you got this' girl!
I was asked if I felt "whole" as as person. I was so quick to respond with no.
Then was asked if I felt "broken". Again immediately without thinking about it said yes.
That really stuck with me.
By acknowledging outwardly and addressing my dysphoria has given me a little piece back of being whole again.
As far as being broken, to really look at it, the closest I can understand, is the misalignment of my body and soul.
At this point , I can only imagine what it is like to exist as a whole person.
I got a glimpse after my last session this week.
D
It is really awesome to hear about your experiences with therapy! When approached with openness, but really can help us a lot! I never really thought of it as a "whole/broken" thing. Your statement of misalignment is spot on, in my case as well! I would think that soon that 'glimpse' will open up to a most excellent point of self perspective :)
Congratz! And welcome! =)
Quote from: Dorian Wilde on November 07, 2015, 08:01:25 AM
I am 51. It has felt like I missed my window to transition, and my situation at home would resist me from pursuing taking steps to becoming the person I wish to be.
It's never too late. Take it slow and figure out what the best path for you will be. My adopted mom (whom I met shortly after I came out) finally transitioned MTF at 57. She did struggle with not having transitioned earlier in life (don't we all ?) and despite her divorce and estrangement from her kids, she lived a pretty happy life finally being herself....making new friends and being accepted for who she was.
Quote from: Dorian Wilde on November 13, 2015, 04:57:03 AM
Is this a selfish act?
Everyone is entitled to happiness. Far to many of us sacrifice our happiness for somebody else to have their's. It is good to give but not at the cost of living in misery. You are only asking for one thing so consider how much you have given in the past. I don't consider it to be a selfish act to ask for the one thing you need to survive.
Being caught in this "in between" stage is so hard right now.
I am really struggling.
To be moving forward with purpose beats floating in limbo, but there are times that make it even more difficult. Possibly because I see that light, the rescue beacon in the distance, but is seems so far away.
I need to find the strength to carry on, all along keeping my charade in tact.
D
3 weeks until next session.
A lot of time to ponder.
Since starting therapy, my condition has really gone inside my head.
The relief I have acted on no longer has any effect.
Dressing is such a topographical remedy to my much deeper condition.
I have been so focused on my internal issues, it is time to get back to my body.
All I can do at this point is working hard on what I do have.
Eating healthy, juicing is really helping to get rid of toxins. And working out.
I have been eating soy and soy milk, drinking spearmint tea.
It may only be a placebo, but at least it feels like it gives some minor relief.
Working on my voice is really coming along. I practice daily while driving.
It used to be, dressing made me feel my she on the inside shine,
Now it is her on the inside emerging through and coming out.
D
Hey Dorian, treating your body right now will pay dividends forever and it is one of the first steps we should all take. It is not contingent upon any external force, but is in answer you our our whims and desires. You are speaking of focusing on the foundation of who you wish to become and it is as important as any other step along the path! *hugz* Keep heart, this is a path into the rest of your life and all good things take time :)
Hugs and gratitude kaitlyn!
Dorian....
I am right there with you and can really relate to your post. Since i made my decision my thinking has changed i am eating differently and yes....i am juicing too!!😀 I'm finding it more and more difficult to contain myself even though i know i have to for now. I hope to start HT this Wednesday and it will be interesting and exciting to see what that brings!! I expect that I will have a tougher fight to keep to my original timeframe.....i will do it but i know it's gonna be hard..... Good luck and enjoy your emergence...!!
Hugs
Dianne
xo
Quote from: Dorian Wilde on November 07, 2015, 02:23:58 PM
My wife (unknowing of my condition) and I took on the responsibility of internationally adopting an orphaned child. I made a commitment to the well being of this child to the end. I love her beyond words.
In a sense, she would be losing her Dad.
She see's me for who I am at times. Referring to me as such a pretty girl, jokingly. Then calls me mommy, oops I mean daddy. I in no way present myself as female around her. It's like she can see right through me.
The cost far exceeds anything financial.
I seek to find a balance, if that is even possible.
Hello and welcome Dorian,
"she can see right through me" I am a senior tansitioner but exhibited my somewhat girly ways all my life. Enough so that my son and daughter were not surprised when I came out. My daughter and I remain very close. My son was never really OK with my being less of a man and was able to see that "It makes sense now that I was being raised by two women." He did not mean that to be flattering and added the barb of "you were too chicken to be honest." He does not speak with or see me now.
What I am suggesting is that keeping our "secret" and avoiding transition does not really guarantee our relationships with offspring or spouses will be any better because we didn't tell.
I feel I can be a far better parent and spouse by simply telling the truth about who I am.
I was exploring options.
Looking at the gains and losses of each scenerio.
So much is speculative but there are some certainties.
One option is to do nothing.
This hardly seems like a choice. Almost unbearable to even consider.
The option on the table is low dose HT.
To see how that fits in my world. For now probably my best choice considering my situation.
The speculative part and concern is that it may work faster than expected considering how feminine my body already is.
The certainty is, my mind and body would respond well.
Then of course full blown transition. If it was up to me, I am there.
I have to approach this responsibly. There are so many aspects that would effect my sustainability and the well being of others.
This time in between sessions has been difficult because there is so much to go over, but it has been productive by gaining perspective on defining what the options are.
World............meet Dorian.
D
I love that you are so grounded Dorian....your sense of responsibility is remarkable and should be an example to all of us. You are handling your situation incredibly well considering how difficult it is.
Hugs
Dianne
xo
Seeking moments of being ok. To confront dysphoria head on has changed the way it effects me on a day to day level. Understanding it has removed some of the guilt factor. To feel a moral disadvantage because of the "Big Lie" I have maintained my whole life, has started to diminish.
Maybe I can start to be present in my own life.
D
Moments now, a lifetime soon. Once you get used to loving yourself, it becomes the norm. Not to say that there will never be hard times with stuff...just a good state becomes a bit of an addiction.
Dorian,
I am with you on this. Just started therapy last year. Moving very slowly. 51 myself. You have had some great advice and insights. Have to admit, I have problems when my therapy sessions get spread out that far. Although I have to admit, it is going on 3 weeks when I go again Thursday. I have 3 kids and have had a 25 year anniversary. Have only come out to my wife and oldest.
It is a long slow path. I am sure we will see many more great posts from you in the future.
Welcome, great to hear from you.
With warmth,
Joanna
Moving forward, screeching halt or moving backward.
Or.......D, all of the above.
I guess this is a test of my determination to move forward with the process of becoming she.
D
Hey Dorian, it is a process. We make progress even when we have to look back. There is no manual, no "correct" way to get to where we want to be. Enjoy the journey, every twist and turn as they are unique to our own experience. The main thing, be true to yourself!
This is where the support of others who truly understand our journey and challenges is so critical for me to move forward.
It feels like......"On/No Becoming She" sometimes.
There is so much resistance, judgement and the lack of understanding going on in my world.
I continue to be true to myself, but at a cost.
Visible changes are occurring, along with strange looks from those who know me and don't .
Not there as a she, not present as male. It feels like being in limbo.
I feel her, I hear her, I need to see her.
D
Today I embrace the energy of my feminine essence.
Let my she shine!
D
The first step in this journey is therapy.
It has been quite a ride so far.
Looking forward to what is ahead, I imagine........
It feels like a roller coaster, I am at the first part of it when it goes up and up to the highest part,
Getting ready to hang on for what's next.
D
I found that things went a bit smoother when I let up on the white knuckle grip and let life start rolling along. Just remember, it will all be ok!
Quote from: kaitylynn on December 29, 2015, 08:12:02 AM
I found that things went a bit smoother when I let up on the white knuckle grip and let life start rolling along. Just remember, it will all be ok!
It is obvious you aren't a New Jersey daily driver :o
Quote from: JoanneB on December 29, 2015, 08:43:57 PM
It is obvious you aren't a New Jersey daily driver :o
lol...nope
Quote from: Dena on November 14, 2015, 05:03:11 PM
Everyone is entitled to happiness. Far to many of us sacrifice our happiness for somebody else to have their's. It is good to give but not at the cost of living in misery. You are only asking for one thing so consider how much you have given in the past. I don't consider it to be a selfish act to ask for the one thing you need to survive.
Dena is so right about sacrificing your happiness for someone else to have theirs. My therapist pointed out my entire life, including my childhood where my younger disabled brother and my baby brother came first, when I married, my wife and child came first when my mother developed dementia, I quit my job to come to Atlanta to take care of her and my disabled brother. When my wife had back surgery go bad and she had learn to walk all over again, I was taking care of her along with my mother and brother. Now I'm 66 beginning transition, and my therapist says it's time for me to put myself first and my wife agrees. So I'm beginning my transition 18 years later than I would have liked but I'm not sure I was ready 18 years ago.
By becoming who I truly am is the greatest gift.
It unleashes my conscious barriers.
I can exist on a level of being present.
D
The past just is, the future unknown...the present is a present to be enjoyed!
While at therapy, issues were coming up that put gender dysphoria on the back shelf.
I guess I need to prioritize my levels of dysfunction.
I only hope my therapist offers a rewards card that after 10, I get one free. :-)
D
It was very good to read this thread for me as I start therapy Wednesday. To watch others process after they have made these first steps helps me prepare. I need to make sure I do the same so someone else months down the line can learn from my experience as well. We all have different experiences and each therapist has their own process but so much can be learned about how this all works in general.
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You are absolutely right Suzi! We are sisters (and brothers) when time is given to looking at who we are and it is really up to us to support. Even therapists cannot truly understand the internals of "being trans" or transitioning unless they have actually lived it. They rely on our experience(s) to help them help others. In the end, we are able to give those that follow encouragement to see themselves and know they are not alone and not broken.
With love, respect and compassion.
>^..^<
I am quite glad that I found this site, writing up information for my appointment tomorrow I am buoyed by all those who have been posting over the last week that I have been using this site. It has helped me dredge up somewhat uncomfortable memories that I had buried deep down. I think after my appointment I will make a posting going through it and sharing how it all goes. It may give others some ideas to help them.
And thanks Kaity, you hit the nail on the head, when we share with others it helps them understand. If one doesn't have these feelings I am not sure how they could really connect with someone who does without hearing it at the very least.
Well I need to run so I can start to take all this stuff that is in my head and put it on paper for tomorrow!
Suzi
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The first appointment for me was monumental.
It was going from internalized, hiding and denial, to opening up.
By doing so, had a awakening effect.
It became real.
I was taking steps to peruse my dream/reality.
To take a step out of the dark, to be seen and heard.
I could have spent hours in my first session.
So much to say.
To hear myself verbalize what had been kept carefully guarded my whole life was like opening up the flood gates.
We are most likely the only ones who truly understand.
The clarity of the reality is empowering, allows oneself to proceed with purpose and direction.
Cheers to you!
D
Exactly what you said right there. I am going to make a post on this, or at least post a follow up on someone else's therapy post. I am on cloud 9 right now.
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Quote from: Dorian Wilde on January 13, 2016, 06:45:00 AM
The first appointment for me was monumental.
It was going from internalized, hiding and denial, to opening up.
By doing so, had a awakening effect.
It became real.
I was taking steps to peruse my dream/reality.
To take a step out of the dark, to be seen and heard.
I could have spent hours in my first session.
So much to say.
To hear myself verbalize what had been kept carefully guarded my whole life was like opening up the flood gates.
We are most likely the only ones who truly understand.
The clarity of the reality is empowering, allows oneself to proceed with purpose and direction.
Cheers to you!
D
Perfectly great prose for such a, yes, monumental, event. You captured those feelings well and take me back, thank you and congratulations
Gender dysphoria for me is like a boomerang.
There is no hiding or escaping it.
......and always loops around and lands on my head!