So I'd been absorbing a lot of helpful information on dealing with myself lately, and was about ready to accept myself and move on from there despite my fear and doubt, when I realized another disturbing possibility.
I've become aware of an odd phenomenon where a man who is interested in trans women will take steps to actually "become one" in order to get closer to them. <Not Permitted>. And I remember that I have dated/attempted to date trans women before (though never with any intent of causing anyone harm), and that I mentioned that despite wanting to transition in most other ways I didn't want SRS (my intro thread is here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,198049.0.html)). That and I'm still having a difficult time really picturing myself as a woman.
So this throws me for another loop, and I'm now wondering if I'm legitimately trans or if I'm just attracted to an idea enough that I somehow want to join it. It's definitely something I'll bring up when I can finally see a therapist, but in the meantime I was just starting to feel a little hope that I was coming to terms with myself, only to start feeling like I'm not legitimate and I should be ashamed instead. Any thoughts?
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My thoughts are that we sometimes over think things and unnecessarily tie ourselves in knots.
If you could press a button and permanently turn into a genetic woman, would you? Answer with your heart, not your head. The reason we start to bring in "what ifs" and "but maybes" is that transition is unfortunately not as easy as pressing a button and the end result is not what we can predict (nor, unfortunately, a genetic transformation). But the principle remains, in your heart do you want to be seen as and live as a woman? Issues of whether you want surgery or not do not come into play, many trans women present and live successfully and happily without GRS. Don't worry about studies and theories - what do you need?
Early in my transition I felt fake as well. A common feeling is we are a man who wants to become a woman instead of a woman trapped in a mans body. We have spent many years learning how to live in a man's body and have no idea what it's like to be a woman so we think we are a fake. That's not the case.
I can tell you what it's really like to be a woman and it's unlike anything you might have thought it would be. Most of the time I don't think about my gender. Unlike before treatment when it was on my mind all the time I might think about it if I am getting dressed up nice and I don't know but I think I would think about it if I were sexually active. I can now throw on a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt and be comfortable with my body. Think of it as freedom from those thoughts that occupy so much of your time now.
As for surgery, that is a personal decision. I wanted surgery and received it but I didn't expect it to change my life because I already had pretty much the life I live today. I knew I would never go back to being a male and surgery was closing one life and allowing me to fully enter the new one putting the therapy and treatment behind me. I still lived the life I had before surgery. Had surgery not been available to me I would have still lived pretty much the same life.
The feelings you have are a bit dangerous because they can stall your transition. If you give into them, you will stop exploring yourself and it may be years before your feelings drive you back into treatment. You need to get into therapy and work to the core of your feelings because I am pretty sure your are transgender. Exactly what you are, I don't know and it's not important I know. It is important that you know so you know where you will be happy in life.
Feel free to ask me any questions you might have as I am comfortable answering anything I know the answer to,
Quote from: Ms Grace on November 12, 2015, 05:43:03 PM
My thoughts are that we sometimes over think things and unnecessarily tie ourselves in knots.
If you could press a button and permanently turn into a genetic woman, would you? Answer with your heart, not your head. The reason we start to bring in "what ifs" and "but maybes" is that transition is unfortunately not as easy as pressing a button and the end result is not what we can predict (nor, unfortunately, a genetic transformation). But the principle remains, in your heart do you want to be seen as and live as a woman? Issues of whether you want surgery or not do not come into play, many trans women present and live successfully and happily without GRS. Don't worry about studies and theories - what do you need?
I wish I could answer that question with any certainty, but I have too many conflicting feelings to do so with any confidence.
However, when I try to give myself reasons why I should be male, all of them involve being able to conform to society's expectations better, except one and that is because I tend to identify myself more with male characters in fiction than female ones.
Female? Well, it's difficult to give any specific reason why I'd want to be female, except that it just feels more comfortable somehow and it explains a lot of unusual things about me that I couldn't explain otherwise.
personally I'd go with the path of least resistance . There was no path left for me . Transition gave me a brand new path. The least resistant path was life.
When I came out I felt more attracted to being trans than actually being transgender, and this has changed for me so much over the past 6 months of living as a girl (mtf). Now I truely believe and feel that I am transgender, even if at the beginning I didn't feel that way. One thing I think that is important to note, along with what everyone else has said, is that do you wish you were a girl, or born a girl in your heart? If you have triggers, which i definatly do, does it make you feel like you wish you were a girl? Maybe do you think it would be more personally natural if you lived as a girl, or some other non-cis gender identity? Just questions to think about.
I hope you be well!
Stephanie, when you put it that way I suppose there are two options:
Transition, and face a lot of hardships and possible rejection from everyone around me, but ultimately find out for sure who I am and where I fit into the world.
Don't transition, and perhaps fit in with everyone well and lead a reasonably successful life, but continually be plagued by doubts, regrets, and a sense of "what could have been."
I'm not sure which one truly is the path of least resistance.
There is a third option and that is go part time away from the people you know. If you discover you are not happy, nobody will be the wiser. If you find it comforting, then you will know that transitioning is the road to happiness. Some people on this site live in their birth gender at work and in their chosen gender the remainder of there time. They do this because transitioning on the job is an issue.
Well, I'm already trying to grow my hair longer and I'm regularly shaving my body hair now, so I am kind of starting transition as it is (why is it that every hair on my body wants to grow really fast except the ones on my head, anyway?). I think I answered my own question: I should transition even if I'm not sure. As long as I don't do anything irreversible (which still covers a lot of ground), I can still walk away if it turns out it's not for me. Plus, if it is, I'll be in a much better starting position when it comes time for HRT, socially transitioning, etc. People will probably be more accepting of it if a visibly androgynous and feminine person says "I want you to view me as a woman" than if someone who still looks 100% male does.
That was already my plan from the start, but it got sidetracked due to me stressing out over what I should label myself. Honestly, trans is a big enough umbrella term that it probably applies to me regardless of where under it I fit, and beyond that, perhaps it's better to actively reject labels until I have a better idea.
If your plan is to avoid the irreversible, then I would suggest you consider going on blockers. They removal of T from your system will allow you to feel a feminine chemical balance without the results. This should also help you relive the mental discomfort you feel. I think doing this may help give you a clear picture what the feminine life style would be like and maybe help you make up your mind.
I started HRT over two years before I first appeared in public as a woman. In the United States it's understood that HRT can help in passing so you can appear masculine and still start on female hormones.
As for labels, don't look for one until you have had some therapy. After that you will want a label so you know what your goal is. In my case, I knew from age 13 I was transsexual but if you fall into the non binary region, it can be harder to find a label.
Quote from: Jamie_06 on November 12, 2015, 08:24:23 PM
Stephanie, when you put it that way I suppose there are two options:
Transition, and face a lot of hardships and possible rejection from everyone around me, but ultimately find out for sure who I am and where I fit into the world.
Don't transition, and perhaps fit in with everyone well and lead a reasonably successful life, but continually be plagued by doubts, regrets, and a sense of "what could have been."
I'm not sure which one truly is the path of least resistance.
I guess I was saying for me at the time it was the least resistant one because I had did the # 2 option all my life and couldn't do it any more.
Quote from: stephaniec on November 13, 2015, 12:08:55 AM
I guess I was saying for me at the time it was the least resistant one because I had did the # 2 option all my life and couldn't do it any more.
Exactly the situation I am afraid will happen if I don't transition. I could potentially walk away now, but then be forced to confront it again later after I have wasted more years as the wrong gender. Though I'm not yet in a position where I have no choice, I have to be sure of who I am now rather than put it off until later. Time really is precious, and I need to use it while I have it.
Quote from: Jamie_06 on November 12, 2015, 11:24:43 PM
(why is it that every hair on my body wants to grow really fast except the ones on my head, anyway?)
I presume that's a rhetorical question, but as you'd probably know that's testosterone for you. :(
I suggest you look at having your body hair waxed, painful yes but at least it takes longer to grow back.
Quote from: Jamie_06 on November 13, 2015, 12:55:22 AM
Exactly the situation I am afraid will happen if I don't transition. I could potentially walk away now, but then be forced to confront it again later after I have wasted more years as the wrong gender. Though I'm not yet in a position where I have no choice, I have to be sure of who I am now rather than put it off until later. Time really is precious, and I need to use it while I have it.
I think one obstacle for me finding the path sooner was therapy. I've had quite a lot of therapy for other things mainly drugs , but I was never able to bring the transgender stuff up. If I would of been able to see the path earlier I might not of wasted the time . I did work on being trans all those years as far as clothes and make up , but I had no idea of the process of actually transitioning.
I just need to say that even if you put it off and wait till later that doesn't mean everything is a waste. It bothers me a little when people use that word at all. Your life is your life and it's going to be only what you make of it no matter what you decide now or later.
Putting everything off when you are trans certainly does add an extra layer of complexity and discomfort to it all but it doesn't automatically turn your life into a waste. You can still do meaningful things that make a positive impact on those around you.
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I think a lot of us wonder about stuff like this. That's what therapy is for to help us discern what's really going on inside. I like what some have said here as well: there's not just 2 options. Leave yourself open for lots of options and take things slow and keep checking in with yourself and your comfort level.
Personally once I started on this path, despite the rejections along the way, I kept feeling better and better and happier and happier with myself. It was very obvious to me I was on the right path.
Quote from: Jamie_06 on November 12, 2015, 05:13:10 PM
I've become aware of an odd phenomenon where a man who is interested in trans women will take steps to actually "become one" in order to get closer to them.
Frank discussion time:
Before I realized I was trans the only type of porn I was interested was trans women, especially futanari. I was obsessed with this stuff for YEARS.
But once I accepted myself as trans my desire to look at trans porn basically died instantly. I have started to come to the realization that the reason I was so interested in trans women porn was that I was looking at these women and imagining myself in their bodies. I was interested in trans women because I secretly wanted to be a trans woman.
Quote from: RachelsMantra on November 13, 2015, 12:44:29 PM
Frank discussion time:
Before I realized I was trans the only type of porn I was interested was trans women, especially futanari. I was obsessed with this stuff for YEARS.
But once I accepted myself as trans my desire to look at trans porn basically died instantly. I have started to come to the realization that the reason I was so interested in trans women porn was that I was looking at these women and imagining myself in their bodies. I was interested in trans women because I secretly wanted to be a trans woman.
Huh, that makes a certain amount of sense to me. I was initially wondering why I had been so interested in trans women, and even before I had come to this understanding, my reasoning had been "the idea of switching sexes has always interested me, so meeting someone who's actually done it gives me kind of a sense of 'wow, you're awesome!'"
Oh, you're real, hon. I had a period of self-doubt and denial. I kept trying to pigeonhole myself into a purely male or purely female identity. That didn't work out. Socially, I'm mostly masculine... and I don't even remotely try to change my voice. I'm on HRT to feminize my appearance, because that's where the dysphoria gets me.
Nonbinary transgender people are real. We deserve life and compassion just like anybody else. If you are nonbinary, and it sounds like you might be, then this whole existential crisis just kinda evaporates. Man or woman? Meh, whatever. Here's something you can do: make a list of feminine traits and masculine traits, and a list of things you can do to feminize yourself. Rank everything on the list and see what you come up with.
I have to make tradeoffs. When I identified as male, I used to wear ratty black jeans. When I'd check the oil in my truck, I'd wipe the dipstick on my pants. I enjoyed that... in part because it caused shock and horror in some onlookers... but also because it was incredibly convenient. I gave that up, 'cause my clothes are nicer now. In this case, femme wins.
I really like long flowy skirts. However, I take two steps at a time as I charge up stairs. I also tend to vault railings, etc., when I run to catch buses. I move fast and use my body hard, and that just isn't compatible with long flowy skirts. In this case, femme loses.
Of course... a transwoman could make the same choices. I'm sure there are plenty of butch transwomen out there that make me look like a weenie. I don't mind.
Quote from: RachelsMantra on November 13, 2015, 12:44:29 PM
Frank discussion time:
Before I realized I was trans the only type of porn I was interested was trans women, especially futanari. I was obsessed with this stuff for YEARS.
But once I accepted myself as trans my desire to look at trans porn basically died instantly. I have started to come to the realization that the reason I was so interested in trans women porn was that I was looking at these women and imagining myself in their bodies. I was interested in trans women because I secretly wanted to be a trans woman.
This was similar to my experience as well. Attraction to the material was because of the need to present as a woman.
The eyes cannot see themselves, but the heart can.
Take care my friend,
Rachel