Like the title says, how do you feel about being trans. I'm just curious to see if others deal with feelings of shame and embarrassment. Or are you the type of person that has a sense of trans pride? If you feel proud, how did you het over the feelings of shame? If you feel ashamed or embarrassed, how do you let that impact you? Do you try to stay in the closet as much as possible or prevent you from transitioning? Do you have the strngth to move forward in spite of it? Just curious to see how everyone else handles and experience these feelings.
I'm proud of myself and every trans person I know. We have to deal with more than the average person and do. I don't and never had felt shame over it. It's medical. None of us woke up one morning and said, "I really feel like being reviled today. Hmm, Nazi or trans person?" This was done to us, however it happened. No one should ever feel shame for anything they didn't bring upon themselves.
At first, I was very ashamed of it because its not something the majority takes lightly. Then the further I got in my pre-transition phase, I began to realize that I needn't give a <edit> about what the majority thinks about me. And there ya go. ;D
But honestly, I try very hard not to think anything about it. I try not to focus so much on compartmentalizing myself the way society does. I now just want to identify as "being myself!" 8) 8) 8)
~Nixy~
curse words are not permitted, with or without an *.
I just came out to my close friends a couple of weeks ago. Before that I would have to say I was embarrassed and very scared.
Since finding out people can be accepting and even supportive I'm know enjoying it and very much looking forward to going full time. Getting it out in the open definitely changed my feelings and made me more accepting of myself.
I feel it's like asking me if I'm ashamed to be one of God's children. I see why you would ask because growing up I hid in shame from my parents and siblings, but then I woke up and excepted that I was born this way and given the opportunity by God to experience a very unique life,
In my opinion, if your gender dysphoria is at a level as to where it is impacting the quality of your life, and worse, your maybe not wanting to continue with life, you really need to come to terms with the fact that you have an issue that needs to be tended to professionally by a therapist. And if they diagnose you as a being transgender then they will help you come to terms with that fact. You are who you are and there is no reason for you to be ashamed or embarrassed of that fact. You are not a criminal or a pervert......you are a human being. Depending on your unique situation, transition may or may not be the best path for you to take in order to enjoy a productive and satisfying life. I cannot speak for everyone who posts on this forum, but I would guess that hardly anyone is ashamed or embarrassed by they fact that their mind and body are not in sync. I also do not think anyone that transitions does not suffer from some level of fear and stress when going through the process. That is just normal. But that is not the same thing and everyone I know who goes through the process at some point gets comfortable and content with their presenting themselves in their true gender in public. Personally, I have not ever had any "trans pride". I am just proud of the fact that I took the steps I had to in order to live my life without the crushing pain and frustration that gender dysphoria creates. It is not that I had the "strength" to move forward with my transition........it is I did not have the "strength" to continue without doing that. Read the posts on this forum and you will not only learn.......you will see that you are not alone in how you feel. There are more of us out there in the world than anyone could ever imagine. Good luck....and never feel ashamed or embarrassed by something that you did not choose to be confronted with! Just move forward with what is best for you and do so with your head held high!
It does not really impact my life any more, but I could have done without being trans.
All I know is I would be better off being born a cis female than be trans, because I wanted to be a mother.
I hate it more than any other aspect of my life. I wish I could have things as easy as cis people one way or another, but I know that will never be an option to me. I also dream of being a mother all the time, but life doesn't want it to be that simple to me. With all of my problems, I still try to keep my head up and make the best of it. There's no other option, so I push as hard as I can to make everything work. The more I've accepted it, the better things have been.
Ashamed and embarrassed, no not at all. I have some resentment for a society that makes it difficult for us to be ourselves but as time goes on I become less and less bothered by what other people might think, after all, it is none of their business who or what I am anyway.
I was ashamed of being train at one time but not now. I have a lot of support at work and no one really cares except my immediate family. I think the shame was from how I was treated when I was a child and young adult.
I truly believe the only way out of your predicament is to just finally accept your self. Your fight an unwinnable battle with your nature. I tried all my life to deny because of shame. All I knew of being trans was from the Jerry Springer's of life and of course who the hell wants to be a trans prostitute. I mean if that's what you have to do to survive more power, but it's not the safest job around. Once you say yes to yourself you can move on. I hid it for a very long time and I said no more. I'm free. I understand why people don't want to be trans , but it's what I am. The reality is what it is and absolutely nothing can change the fact I was born this way so why waste the time I have left fighting and denying.
LTL I think it helps to realise that shame is largely a social construct - it exists to make someone feel bad about themselves for doing something that is considered by society as "bad". It's been around for as long as humans have had social groups and is a close cousin of guilt. Sometimes shame is warranted (for example, murder) and many times it is not (eg, having an extra cookie, wanting sex, telling a lie to get out of a family gathering, being naked, whatever). But we are pretty much programmed to feel shame and ashamed from about the age of being toilet trained. Sometimes shame is an extremely difficult emotion to unpack and resolve oneself from. So, that said, what is there to be ashamed of in being trans? Sure, cis-centric society by and large considers it "weird", "wrong", "deviant", "inexplicable", "sinful" and worse; there are plenty of people who set themselves up as very vocal, inexplicably angry gender bullies to make sure everyone else tows the line and that those who transgress are vilified, humiliated, ridiculed, shunned and/or punished. If you grow up around and within that kind of ubiquitous attitude it can be extremely difficult to see the practice of shaming for what it is, a toxic social control perpetuated by frightened, closed minded individuals to force everyone else to do their bidding.
So, did I feel ashamed of being trans? Once. Deeply. So much so it kept me from transitioning for over twenty years. But I don't feel shame anymore. How did I get over it? I can't say for sure but I expect it is the one answer I know you hate to hear, I just stopped caring what other people thought and I realised that I was not wrong for being trans. Yes, being trans makes us different from the cis majority but "DIFFERENT" is not spelled "W-R-O-N-G".
no shame or guilt here, I am at one with myself and happy to be me. being trans may not be the easiest thing in the world to be, but it's what I am, so may as well embrace it and be happy I found myself :)
xox, Candi
I'm just starting on this journey and surprisingly I'm not feeling any negative emotions about being trans. Where my emotions run high is the effect it will have when I finally come out to the world on my wife. We are afraid of the how it will affect her circle of friends. My friends are not the issue, that's my challenge to contend with. However I my concern is for the looks/stares/gossiping/comments that will affect her. Being trans is my cross to handle but unfortunately she's walking beside me.
I too was once consumed with shame and guilt over who I can't help but be. Eventually I realized that if I did not express my full self I would never be happy, I would always feel false. I was not giving myself the chance to reach for my brass ring. I had to realize that I was as worthy of the compassion I showed others. It dawned on me that the onus was on me to make myself whole, no one else could. Every step I had ever taken made me feel good. So bit by bit I am trading shame for joy. That's all it is, taking the steps I need to feel whole and happy. Nothing more nothing less. I did not choose to be trans but I had to choose to embrace it. Our culture and my own sense of obligation made that happen. Therefore there is no one to blame.
My trans pride is not in being trans but in taking on my part in showing the world that there is nothing wrong in being trans. My pride stems from my efforts to end the societal shaming by being a good person who happens to be trans. Also from sharing my inner struggle with other trans folk so that they know they are not alone and that there is nothing wrong with being who they are. I also quite love my blended physical self. I am visibly female and male, in my own unique way. I have found the beauty in that.
I had shame when I was young but I simply got over it by realizing that feminity is beautiful so why not embrace it. People bashed me for transitioning but I felt strong for the first time by being myself. Why feel shameful? If anything transitioning makes you more brave and have more guts than anyone trying to shame you so they are the ones that should be shamed for trying to bring people down just because they are. I realized that the shamers were the weak ones. I know people say this a lot but it's seriously true. I realized I loved being trans because although I wasn't born female, I had something that a lot of cis females don't and that's being comfortable and confident being a woman and embracing my feminine side. Transgender women should embrace themselves being trans because we have the mindset of just knowing and embracing womanhood, that's the reason why we transition in the first place. I'm not comparing cis to trans because we are both the same, but it takes a real and strong woman to be a transgender woman. Although it takes such a journey of pain and hardships to transition, once you are fully finished or have the process going the feeling it incredible and liberating. I am transgender and I love it I wouldn't have it any other way. I ramble a lot sorry haha I have a lot of point and things to say so hopefully you understand me :))) The strongest person is the one who embraces themselves I would feel so much more shameful by pretending to be a guy.
Spent over four decades self loathing, self medicating, binge eating, and hiding from myself and the world. Reached the age of 53 with no friends, a dysfunctional family, a drug and alcohol problem, and a weight of over 380 pounds. I had come to the point where the slow process of killing my self was about to be complete. I had an emotional break down which led me to finally accept myself for who I am.
Today I am 57 (my birthday is today) I like myself, enjoy life, no longer abuse drugs and alcohol, and my weight is 180 pounds. How do I fell about being Trans? I would of been better off if I wasn't or had come to terms with it sooner, but that is in the past now I try to look forward; though its hard not to glance in the rear view mirror sometimes.
I think that most of us who didn't have the privilege of transitioning during childhood grew up with an enforced internalized transphobia, even if we didn't realize it. That is the source of any sort of shame you may feel during the early stages of transition after you confront the issue.
I am just now getting past that point. I always knew there was nothing to be ashamed of any more than a person should be ashamed of an outtie belly button; it's just another way to be. But knowing doesn't relieve the guilt at first.
Just today, I make a list of things starting with "I am a..." and I listed "parent, spouse, witch, writer, and student". Afterwards, I realized I did not put my gender status on there. I didn't write man, woman, transwoman, or anything like that. I felt that was a huge breakthrough. My gender status isn't who I am and I would like to think about it as often as CIS people do, which is almost never. I will cherish that milestone when it comes.
To be honest, I worry about coming out in the future, I worry about the trans label.
My optimistic side recodes the word trans as trans-ition. I want to be woman much more than I want to be transitioning to woman.
Much of that is state of mind, and happily, that part is going quite quickly. :)
I don't know how I feel. Right now I'm a bit emotional about it. I want things to be easy- I want life and it's victories to be more attainable. I have fears that I didn't always have.
I like that being transgender has made me a bit more creative and driven, because I have been able to prove to myself and those close to me that I will become what I want to become in this world. It's allowed me to become more driven, and more passionate. I don't know if, without it, I would be try to be so kind to those that have hurt me in my life, because I might not have know what that kind of pain ever felt like.
I feel just great about being trans. It is the truth and it took a long time for me to accept it. Decades of that self defeating shame and guilt are over and what do we ever gain from that self harm and denial? We can take a chance and expose our vulnerability and encourage others to do the same rather than exploit our fears.
Learning to see and feel the the bright lights of being OK the way you are is magic that works with repetition. Repeat daily; I was born this way and I'm OK ;)
Yeah, pretty ripe with embarrassment and shame, not nearly as bad as I used to be, but still have trouble being open about it to others, particularly face to face, and it doesn't really have anything to do with what they think. It has to do with what I think, and my own feelings of disappointment, or of being something not socially praised... they may have no problem with it at all, even think it's great. I know that it something I have to work out with myself. Tried to buy clothes today, went to two different stores, but they were too full, and I didn't have the nerve. Really wish that I wasn't like that, my shame and embarrassment is not flattering to myself, or anyone else like me.
If it wasn't for those that did have pride, and self-respect, it would be impossible for those like me to do it. I'll force myself though, maybe tomorrow.
Quote from: Elsa Delyth on November 15, 2015, 01:09:21 AM
Yeah, pretty ripe with embarrassment and shame, not nearly as bad as I used to be, but still have trouble being open about it to others, particularly face to face, and it doesn't really have anything to do with what they think. It has to do with what I think, and my own feelings of disappointment, or of being something not socially praised... they may have no problem with it at all, even think it's great. I know that it something I have to work out with myself. Tried to buy clothes today, went to two different stores, but they were too full, and I didn't have the nerve. Really wish that I wasn't like that, my shame and embarrassment is not flattering to myself, or anyone else like me. It took me a long time not to care when I bought clothes. It's a lot easier not to care when you shop properly dressed.
If it wasn't for those that did have pride, and self-respect, it would be impossible for those like me to do it. I'll force myself though, maybe tomorrow.
for me it was just a very slow process of getting use to it. I've bought things since I was 19 , but always was terrified. One day about 20 years ago I decided to go shopping dressed properly and found it was so much easier and when the store clerks treated me like every other woman it stopped all the anxiety.
I have always hated it so much.
It has been like the elephant in the room.
It destroyed relationships and made life miserable
Only with the help here from a few special people who shall remain named, Cindy was I able to do anything about it.
How do I feel now?
2 years after E I am scared but happy.
It has allowed me to be she/me. It feels so very different but right.
Do I like being trans. No. never have. :'(
Anyone for elephant well done?
Quote from: Jenny07 on November 15, 2015, 02:01:51 AM
I have always hated it so much.
It has been like the elephant in the room.
It destroyed relationships and made life miserable
Only with the help here from a few special people who shall remain named, Cindy was I able to do anything about it.
How do I feel now?
2 years after E I am scared but happy.
It has allowed me to be she/me. It feels so very different but right.
Do I like being trans. No. never have. :'(
Anyone for elephant well done?
I like tomato sauce on my elephant burgers!
And you young lady are going to be in for a shock when I make it to Sydney.
Quote from: Cindy on November 15, 2015, 02:07:38 AM
And you young lady are going to be in for a shock when I make it to Sydney.
Promises, promises!!! ;)
What have I done now? :o
Quote from: Ms Grace on November 15, 2015, 02:13:39 AM
Quote from: Cindy on November 15, 2015, 02:07:38 AM
And you young lady are going to be in for a shock when I make it to Sydney.
Promises, promises!!! ;)
I have just about got enough points for a business class seat, I only fly first or business class of course. My seat number is reserved. 1A.
Be frightened. Very frightened >:-)
A pre Christmas shopping trip in Sydney appeals.
I don't feel proud or ashamed of it, it's just .. there I guess? It rarely impacts my life at all anymore. I figure if people that knew me before don't seem to care why should I? The way I see it is, if I can't be a cis woman, I am happy to be a trans woman.
I just find being a trans person has such a curious ring to it.
Quote from: Abysha on November 14, 2015, 10:28:10 PM
I think that most of us who didn't have the privilege of transitioning during childhood grew up with an enforced internalized transphobia, even if we didn't realize it...
Yes, this!
I felt a strange attraction to trans girls when I was younger, not realizing it was really me that needed to change
xox, Candi
P.S. I wish there was a like button, so many great posts here :D
I must be using facebook too much :P
Thanks everyone. I do appreciate hearing all your thoughts.
To be honest, i have been feeling extra embarrassed/ashamed the past week cause I overheard people talking about my situation and got the sense that stuff I posted on here was read by some people in my real life. To be honest, I'm mortified and embarrassed about that possibility. While the people I think found account are good hearted and accepting people, I still want to crawl into a ball and just die over it. It just makes me feel really ashamed cause im still living as male in my day to day life and honestly may as well be in the closet still considering how much I try to hide of myself. But i guess it could be a good thing. I'm going to have to face those feeings if I'm ever going to get past my fears. And my therapist has really been pushing me to begin the social transition though I don't feel ready cause Im very insecure with my appearance still. I doubt ill ever fully pass and probably wil always be ugly/manly, but I'm very sensitive about looking ridiculous and getting laughed at - hopefully the new injection dose ive been put on will do something.
Anyway, I can only keep pushing everything off to the side for so long and have to start addressing my fears. Otherwise ill never be happy and never really have the life I want. I can't waste another year of my life being uncomfortable and miserable. I just hate always being weird or different. And while I respect those who have inner pride, i I imagine ill always feel some embarrassment over being myself. I wish I didn't rhough cause its emotionally exhausting.
By the way, here is a story from today that kind of highlights how i feel. When I picked up my hormones today, the pharm tech went away from the window and talked to someone inside for a minute and I heard them both laugh very loudly and then he came back and handed me my hormones. This is the sort of stuff that makes me feel shame and embarrassment. Now I don't even know if it had anything to do with me and even if it did you can understand why a man buying estrogen injections is somewhat humerous. Whether or not it was directed towards me, I just finf it hard to walk away from stuff like that without feeling really ashamed.
Ps. Forgive all the horrible grammar in the above post. This is what happens when I post on my phone quickly and don't read it back. You get an incoherent long winded rant, though that's kind of all my posts, lol.
It's a curse and would not wish it even to my worst enemy. Even if I pass, blend in, get all the surgeries in the world with 10 men waiting to marry me - I will always feel a sense of lack deep within my core.
This is my honest opinion thanks.
I never like myself as a transguy, even with transition. I will never know what's it like to "sleep" with a woman and I could never get a child of my own. Yeah, and the transition process is painful too.
But apart from that, I love every other aspects of myself and my life. I like myself as a good person and I'm happy with my hobbies, my work, my family ...
After months and months, I find myself posting twice in one day. :) I haven't talked to you in a while and having gone through 2 name changes to land on one that stuck and really fits, (Michelle) I wasn't sure you would recognize me.
Ms Grace is right. :) Again. (I am firmly convinced that there is a mountaintop somewhere waiting for her to take up her position as resident Guru.) Shame is a social construct. Necessary or not, helpful or not, it can be brutal. I felt it all my life, I just didn't know what being trans was. I think that the relief of putting a name to it just killed that shame as I haven't felt it since. I was so tired of being ashamed and hating myself. My brothers never felt shame at being a boy, my sister never felt shame at being a girl. Why should they? Why should we for being born the way we are?
What do I feel about being trans? I can not separate it from myself, so it just is. I am just happy that I was born in a time that I could do something about it, I don't have to live in a body that I can't stand. I don't know how it will turn out, but it's better than the alternative. 100 years ago, 200 years ago or God forbid 1,000 years ago forget about it. Might as well just dig a hole, smack me in the back of the head with the shovel and plant me in the hole. Maybe I would come up the next spring as a girl. :)
I am not brave or bold, I just do what I have to do to fit into the image of myself that has been in my head for as long as I can remember. I don't want to stand out, I want to blend in, become a part of everyone else for the first time. This is the only way I know how to do it.
At the same time, I can't live for everyone else either. This is it, the big show. No one really KNOWS what comes after. I want to live my life as a PART of everyone else, not an EXTENSION. An extension of so many's biased and limited views? I think not! They won't be lying on my deathbed with my regrets or triumphs, I will be damned if I let them live my life.
Michelle
Quote from: April_TO on November 15, 2015, 06:24:18 PM
It's a curse and would not wish it even to my worst enemy. Even if I pass, blend in, get all the surgeries in the world with 10 men waiting to marry me - I will always feel a sense of lack deep within my core.
This is my honest opinion thanks.
Amen sister.
I can't get pregnant, I always have self doubt, my kids call me daddy and people on all sides tell me I'm not real.
What's there to like?
For most of my life I thought I was a ->-bleeped-<-, but there were also certain feelings about being in the wrong body or wanting a female body that drifted in and out of my consciousness.
Now that I have accepted who I really am, I feel special and I consider being Trans a gift from the creator.
I feel that we are the vanguard of an emerging social, not sexual, evolution that will eventually lead to a kinder, gentler, understanding of what it means to be human.
I will take time and it will be a struggle and I wont see it come to fruition in my lifetime, but that's OK.
Quote from: Mikaela on November 15, 2015, 08:33:09 PM
After months and months, I find myself posting twice in one day. :) I haven't talked to you in a while and having gone through 2 name changes to land on one that stuck and really fits, (Michelle) I wasn't sure you would recognize me.
Ms Grace is right. :) Again. (I am firmly convinced that there is a mountaintop somewhere waiting for her to take up her position as resident Guru.) Shame is a social construct. Necessary or not, helpful or not, it can be brutal. I felt it all my life, I just didn't know what being trans was. I think that the relief of putting a name to it just killed that shame as I haven't felt it since. I was so tired of being ashamed and hating myself. My brothers never felt shame at being a boy, my sister never felt shame at being a girl. Why should they? Why should we for being born the way we are?
What do I feel about being trans? I can not separate it from myself, so it just is. I am just happy that I was born in a time that I could do something about it, I don't have to live in a body that I can't stand. I don't know how it will turn out, but it's better than the alternative. 100 years ago, 200 years ago or God forbid 1,000 years ago forget about it. Might as well just dig a hole, smack me in the back of the head with the shovel and plant me in the hole. Maybe I would come up the next spring as a girl. :)
I am not brave or bold, I just do what I have to do to fit into the image of myself that has been in my head for as long as I can remember. I don't want to stand out, I want to blend in, become a part of everyone else for the first time. This is the only way I know how to do it.
At the same time, I can't live for everyone else either. This is it, the big show. No one really KNOWS what comes after. I want to live my life as a PART of everyone else, not an EXTENSION. An extension of so many's biased and limited views? I think not! They won't be lying on my deathbed with my regrets or triumphs, I will be damned if I let them live my life.
Michelle
I agree with your post about Ms. Grace. She has been a very helpful member of the staff since I've been on here. And yes, I do remember you. The avatar charactef and the character in your writing is familiar.
See, I agree with you about wanting to blend in. Standing out isn't something I seek either. I guess having always been the weird different person, I just want to fit in and be normal. However, as a transgender person that's not really going to happen. We are different. If we can't accept living as men and that's too depressing and uncomfortable for us, then we are going to be living as women that do stand out, unless you're lucky and can easily pass or blend. I just hate being seen as the weird different person. And I'm ashamed for it cause I want to be normal, but thst kind of goes out the window when you have a sex change. It's very conflicting for me cause I don't know what to do and how to process this all. Sometimes I wish I could run back in the closet and no one would ever know, but the reality is this isn't something I can run and hide from forever. The only thing I take solace in is that for the most part I have been shown kindness and acceptance from most people, with the exception of myself. I just fear what will happen once I actually do begin the social transition. Let's be hobest, a man walking out of the house in women's clothing and makeup is quite different. What will everyone say? And what if you really dont blend well. How can you avoid feeling embarrassed and ashamed? But if you are hiding everyday and living a miserable life for it, isnt dealing with the shame worth it? It's very conflicting and im always focusing on both "what will the neighbors think" and my hopes and dreams for a hsppy life. Right now, I'm very depressed and scared. I just hope ill get past this snd can do that without looking like a laughing stock. But right now its hard to not feel ashamed of myself.
Anyway, I'm guessing the reason most of us feel differently on this subject is that we are all in different places in our transition. Hopefully its one of those things that eventually fades.
*
Family and medical personnel obviously know my change. Well, former 'friends' knew but they all abandoned me so I ignore them in any category.
I was fired from my federal employment expressly because my supervisor charged me as being a female working as a male. 'We can't have that here,' she told me. That become effective 1985.
I moved a thousand miles from where I had been residing and started a whole new life fresh as my fully-transitioned self. I lived quietly for 30+ years.
And then it happened again. This employer was a state agency. A manager summoned me to her office, charged that I was a male working as a female, and asserted that transsexuals are 'mentally unfit' for state employment. I won my case but my employing agency refused to take me back and that's where the process ended in 2010.
So what's my point?
- I lost all my family - immediate and extended.
- I lost all my pre-transition 'friends'.
- I can't tell people whom I've come to find as friends since becoming full-time forever female because their attitudes lead me to suspect many are anti-transsexual.
- I got fired two separate times specifically because I am transsexual (neither got the direction correctly).
- I lost out on career jobs because I am transsexual.
- I was almost universally directed to apply for the clerical pool despite a college education and years of specialised work experiences - because their explanation is that is where their company's women start.
- I get 100 points slashed from my IQ score and treated as if I am stupid and do not know the first thing about anything because I am a woman.
So, 'How do I feel about being transsexual'?
I consider it a medical condition no different than any other of my various medical conditions. I do not conduct a checklist to each person on the street. Nor do I demand others to expose their intimate medical circumstances to me or the world.
To be further honest, I felt totally out of place at a recent LGB and T festival.
Nevertheless, I decided to create a web-site and refer people there if they really want to know me beyond what I personally share with them. I'm 'out' passively; they can read what they choose because I have no 'elevator speech' for my life.
I am the woman I am. I can't imagine being anyone else - whether cis or transsexual. The grass really is greener on my side of the lawn. I take nothing for granted; I live each female experience to the best of my ability.
Transition was the only decision I had to make because it is who I am and I will gladly suffer the same experiences because it would be far worse to have lived a lie to myself.
*
Quote from: learningtolive on November 15, 2015, 09:36:45 PM
I agree with your post about Ms. Grace. She has been a very helpful member of the staff since I've been on here. And yes, I do remember you. The avatar charactef and the character in your writing is familiar.
See, I agree with you about wanting to blend in. Standing out isn't something I seek either. I guess having always been the weird different person, I just want to fit in and be normal. However, as a transgender person that's not really going to happen. We are different. If we can't accept living as men and that's too depressing and uncomfortable for us, then we are going to be living as women that do stand out, unless you're lucky and can easily pass or blend. I just hate being seen as the weird different person. And I'm ashamed for it cause I want to be normal, but thst kind of goes out the window when you have a sex change. It's very conflicting for me cause I don't know what to do and how to process this all. Sometimes I wish I could run back in the closet and no one would ever know, but the reality is this isn't something I can run and hide from forever. The only thing I take solace in is that for the most part I have been shown kindness and acceptance from most people, with the exception of myself. I just fear what will happen once I actually do begin the social transition. Let's be hobest, a man walking out of the house in women's clothing and makeup is quite different. What will everyone say? And what if you really dont blend well. How can you avoid feeling embarrassed and ashamed? But if you are hiding everyday and living a miserable life for it, isnt dealing with the shame worth it? It's very conflicting and im always focusing on both "what will the neighbors think" and my hopes and dreams for a hsppy life. Right now, I'm very depressed and scared. I just hope ill get past this snd can do that without looking like a laughing stock. But right now its hard to not feel ashamed of myself.
Anyway, I'm guessing the reason most of us feel differently on this subject is that we are all in different places in our transition. Hopefully its one of those things that eventually fades.
I guess that I do understand, I am afraid all the time. Each step I take has been a nerve-wracking experience. I don't know how to do this. It's one thing to dream your whole life and another to step into that dream. Most of the time it is Wonderland or Neverland,( Is it first or second star to the right and straight on till morning? Come on Michelle, don't screw this up!) But there are times when it is Silent Hill. I have to work my way past that horror every time I take another step. Mostly the only thing that gets me moving is how terrified I am at the thought of living the second half of my life the way I did the first. 46 :P I am ready to ban birthdays forever! Every second of the day I hear an invisible, enormous clock ticking. I have to ask myself over and over,"If not now, when?" So there I was breasts growing, not able to hide them much longer, probably feeling close to how you are now. I was still wearing male clothes when not at home, afraid of people seeing a man with breasts, yet terrified of people seeing a man pretending to be a girl.
I had friend who was a fencer and I went to one of his matches. (Don't recommend that, it is not a spectator sport.) It was incredibly fast and I had no idea what was going on. I asked him after how anyone can move or react that fast? He laughed at me and said when you've done those moves as many times as I have and seen those moves as many times as I have, it just slows down. Cut to years later and my difficulties. I realized that I couldn't be what I wanted if I never lived what I wanted to be. It would never get easier, never slow down. At that point I had been on HRT for around 5 months. That night I bought enough andro yet female clothes that I would never have to wear male clothes again. Got home, packed up all of my male clothes and took them to the salvation army. It wasn't enough. Not for me, it wasn't definitive enough. So I started to work on the one thing that we can all, if not get perfect, at least improve at, my voice. That was really a turning point for me. The next day all my fears came true. People laughed and made fun, they asked all kinds of questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. After a couple weeks of that, I would not stop working on my voice, they did not stop making fun, I didn't die either. Every step was scary, still is. :) I am out now, all the way, and no one makes fun of me that I can tell. Yesterday when I went out to buy clothes (getting cold for shorts) all feminine, not one thing that would be called andro. Wore a skirt and carried a purse this morning for the first time. It was no different than yesterday or last week. If someone noticed anything, they never let it show.
I don't know how to help anyone get past that. If you have trans friends, maybe one will go with you the first couple of times. I certainly would.
Actually that would be wonderful for me. :) I have transgender friends, but all on line or on the phone. I have never met another transsexual person in the flesh. :)
Oh, one thing that might help. I would say that it helped me but at the time it felt more like a slap to the face. One of the male friends at work that still talks to me all of the time, even though he has no idea how to deal with me being trans, woke me up. I was whining about how people treat me differently. Okay, let me see if I can remember it all.
Seems kind of conceded don't you think. If people are talking about you it's not many. I know that every conversation as you walk past is not about you, why would you think that it would be? No one really cares, I like you and I don't even care enough to talk about what you are doing with your life to other people. Maybe we try to figure out how to act around you, but we don't talk about it and we haven't formed a committee to discuss the transgender person who works with us. As he walked away... It's not all about you Mike. You're good, people still like you, but it's not all about you.
I was so mad, but he was right. Mostly people are caught up in their own life. Some people are jerks, but we can ignore them for the most part. :)
Wow, I talk too much.
As always, message me if you need someone to talk to.
Michelle
Quote from: Mikaela on November 16, 2015, 01:27:18 AM
I guess that I do understand, I am afraid all the time. Each step I take has been a nerve-wracking experience. I don't know how to do this. It's one thing to dream your whole life and another to step into that dream. Most of the time it is Wonderland or Neverland,( Is it first or second star to the right and straight on till morning? Come on Michelle, don't screw this up!) But there are times when it is Silent Hill. I have to work my way past that horror every time I take another step. Mostly the only thing that gets me moving is how terrified I am at the thought of living the second half of my life the way I did the first. 46 :P I am ready to ban birthdays forever! Every second of the day I hear an invisible, enormous clock ticking. I have to ask myself over and over,"If not now, when?" So there I was breasts growing, not able to hide them much longer, probably feeling close to how you are now. I was still wearing male clothes when not at home, afraid of people seeing a man with breasts, yet terrified of people seeing a man pretending to be a girl.
I had friend who was a fencer and I went to one of his matches. (Don't recommend that, it is not a spectator sport.) It was incredibly fast and I had no idea what was going on. I asked him after how anyone can move or react that fast? He laughed at me and said when you've done those moves as many times as I have and seen those moves as many times as I have, it just slows down. Cut to years later and my difficulties. I realized that I couldn't be what I wanted if I never lived what I wanted to be. It would never get easier, never slow down. At that point I had been on HRT for around 5 months. That night I bought enough andro yet female clothes that I would never have to wear male clothes again. Got home, packed up all of my male clothes and took them to the salvation army. It wasn't enough. Not for me, it wasn't definitive enough. So I started to work on the one thing that we can all, if not get perfect, at least improve at, my voice. That was really a turning point for me. The next day all my fears came true. People laughed and made fun, they asked all kinds of questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. After a couple weeks of that, I would not stop working on my voice, they did not stop making fun, I didn't die either. Every step was scary, still is. :) I am out now, all the way, and no one makes fun of me that I can tell. Yesterday when I went out to buy clothes (getting cold for shorts) all feminine, not one thing that would be called andro. Wore a skirt and carried a purse this morning for the first time. It was no different than yesterday or last week. If someone noticed anything, they never let it show.
I don't know how to help anyone get past that. If you have trans friends, maybe one will go with you the first couple of times. I certainly would.
Actually that would be wonderful for me. :) I have transgender friends, but all on line or on the phone. I have never met another transsexual person in the flesh. :)
Oh, one thing that might help. I would say that it helped me but at the time it felt more like a slap to the face. One of the male friends at work that still talks to me all of the time, even though he has no idea how to deal with me being trans, woke me up. I was whining about how people treat me differently. Okay, let me see if I can remember it all.
Seems kind of conceded don't you think. If people are talking about you it's not many. I know that every conversation as you walk past is not about you, why would you think that it would be? No one really cares, I like you and I don't even care enough to talk about what you are doing with your life to other people. Maybe we try to figure out how to act around you, but we don't talk about it and we haven't formed a committee to discuss the transgender person who works with us. As he walked away... It's not all about you Mike. You're good, people still like you, but it's not all about you.
I was so mad, but he was right. Mostly people are caught up in their own life. Some people are jerks, but we can ignore them for the most part. :)
Wow, I talk too much.
As always, message me if you need someone to talk to.
Michelle
.
It gets better. in the beginning everything is a battle and your self conscious. fast forward 5 years or so and you have changed in ways you didnt think were possible and your just another lady :)
personally me i dont mind who I am. I like it and the experiences i have had. Its shown me who is really family and friends and who I can depend on. a few people made great sacrifices for me out of love. it was a bumpy start for them at first though.
I always knew how I felt and who I was yet coming to terms with the word transgender wasn't an easy thing for me to do. It is a loaded word that often has a connotation that comes with it in public. It wasn't tell the beginning of my transition that I truly had come terms with it and owned it. I have been more comfortable with myself and who I am as a result. It's not an easy thing to do and I have never been found of being defined by labels because of how people may perceive me by them. Hugs
Mariah
To be completely honest? I wish I wasn't trans. It is a burden with many challenges and I would have rather just been cis and have other things to focus on.
But it is here to stay so I don't really have a choice but to learn to accept it. This is going pretty well for the most part. A month ago I hated the very idea of it and hated myself as well, though recently I'm slowly starting to accept it. I go out in girl mode all the time despite not being on treatment yet because it feels right.
I do wish there wasn't a constant uncertainty of myself though, some days I feel good and other days I'm too scared to do anything.
The uncertainty should go away overtime as you become more comfortable and at ease with things along with more therapy. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: SofiN on November 16, 2015, 04:07:40 AM
To be completely honest? I wish I wasn't trans. It is a burden with many challenges and I would have rather just been cis and have other things to focus on.
But it is here to stay so I don't really have a choice but to learn to accept it. This is going pretty well for the most part. A month ago I hated the very idea of it and hated myself as well, though recently I'm slowly starting to accept it. I go out in girl mode all the time despite not being on treatment yet because it feels right.
I do wish there wasn't a constant uncertainty of myself though, some days I feel good and other days I'm too scared to do anything.
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along...
Seeing this thread made this song pop into my head[emoji39]
I spent such a long time being afraid to be me, that I just don't have the energy to care as much anymore. Yeah it sucks when I hear people say uncouth things, but people would say things like it whether or not it's about me. People suck sometimes. I've just accepted that I can't make everyone happy, but I should instead start by being happy and then I might be able to share it with others.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Years ago, I thought something was wrong with me and terrified someone would find out. Now I enjoy the options available to me.
Wow! What a difference a year makes.
I posted twice then as Mikaela. Seems that I go about a year, realize that I have become complacent and start pushing again. So here I am. :)
I got to the point this month with my name change, finally, that it is time to finish what I started. My problem has been that, at some time, I stopped thinking of myself as being in transition. And I am not done! I have been moving but not with any urgency. It just sort of happened. I live my life, I am a girl, everyone treats me like any other girl. I stopped thinking about it. I think about shoes or clothes or what to do with my hair today. I actually spend more time thinking about and helping others going through transition than about my own.
I don't think about being trans at all unless a guy hits on me or I am stuck in the middle of a group of people talking about transgender people in the bathroom.
I hope that you have found your answers Learning to Live. AND that you are incredibly happy. :)
Labels aren't that important to me, but they are a tool for social change. So i'm o.k. with identifying as trans if it helps others to understand that the world is full of diversity.
Way better than the shame and guilt I used to suffer trying to keep things hidden.
How do I feel? I'm trans, and I'm here. Get used to it, world.
I'm proud of my hard-won femininity. I had to work harder at gaining it than most women have, but I have it now.
I accept myself. I'm proud that I finally found the strength to overcome my fears and move forward.
I'm sad that some others couldn't accept me, and that has been a rough spot in my life. I am sorry that my coming out hurt those who would have been more comfortable with me if I had remained hidden, but sacrificing my existance for the comfort of others wasn't really fair to me. In the end, I have to be true to myself.
I'm a transwoman, and I'm damn proud of it.
I'd say I'm a bit conflicted. On one hand, seeing what this is doing to my marriage, the pain it's causing my wife and my parents, I sometimes wish I could just be CIS male. However, I also realize that I probably wouldn't be the same person I am if that were the case so I'm not sure I'd really trade who I am for that life.
On the flip side, since coming to accept that I am transsexual, there is a certain amount of pride in it. Knowing that I'm going to be who I've always felt I am, that I can be honest with the world, that I can express myself authentically is pretty uplifting. Basically I've got a strong sense of here I am world, you have to just deal with me because I won't hide anymore. I'm sure I'll get knocked off that pedestal from time to time as I experience bad reactions, but in the end I'm proud to be who I am and to be in full contact with that woman. I can't wait for the packaging to match the product inside.