hello,
I joined this web site because I need place to talk. I need to share my feelings before they destroy me. See I'm a late transitioner (weil not yet anyway). I'm married for a while now.
I have tried to come out to wife, and failed and now I lie to her that everything was just an experiment, a lie, a delusion, trying to fit facts nicely. The truth is, the moment I read about transgenders, I KNEW I was one. Everything fit into place. EXCEPT I'm married to a CIS female. :| and I'm well...female in a males body.
we are going to go to counselling soon to talk about our relatinship, as it is very rocky. My wife thinks I'm a liar, and I am. but I am because I love her, and don't want to destroy my marriage, my friendship with her.
*sigh*....
but everyday I want to shave, I want to dress in a dress, I want laser to remove my nasty hair from my face. I WANT boobs, and I want my #%# cut off. .... badly :(.
anyway...there is.
Thanks for listening..and hopefully some day my story will be a happy one.
bye for now.
I understand your feelings ma'am. I've spent all of my childhood hiding just like that. When I was a teenager, I had to fake my interest in boys (I'm FTM) just so I didn't break my mom's heart. Wearing skirts during formal events was killing me. My friends loves me, they always do, but my heart was surrounded by fear that I wouldn't share my secret with anyone.
One day, I just had enough of everything and fought back. Why do I have to live in that dark place? What have I done wrong beside being born? Life is a gift, not a torment.
The year was around 2007 when I found a local website for FTM. I met some real life FTM guys. Some found his true love. Some got great career being male. Some was transitioning. Some even got married and lived with his love. I've never met anyone that said their life was wrecked for coming out. All of them said they were reborn. If they had regrets, that was only they didn't come out earlier.
I had gained my confidence gradually over the year and finally came out to my family and friends. I couldn't believe how easy it was. They were shocked and my mom was in denial at first (she never quite gets it but she loves me enough to stand by me).
So I know, everything seems against you right now. Many feels that way during transition. But everything will get better, I promise. And coming out will be the greatest thing that ever happens to you :)
*Hugs from asia*
I'm a MTF late transitioner and went through some rocky times with my wife. If you have children then there's a lot more at stake. I eventually ended up seeing a psych who specializes in gender for depression and managed to persuade her to go a long for one session. I'm not sure what happened as I wasn't there for part of it, but that changed everything. She still not happy of course, but things settled down.
I've never lied to my wife. She knows if I say something its true, or at least I hope she does. I have a very strong belief its wrong, and it tends to cause problems, so there's only very limited circumstances where I'll do it. Doctors are one. Self protection another. I don't mind lying by omission.
I've been trying not to transition, but its a losing battle. I think once you reach a certain point, you just can't fight it. The only question is how long and how much suffering you're going to do until you lose. And how much you hurt your family.
I'm on HRT and everything's fine for the moment, just so long as I continue to act and present as male. HRT's made that a lot easier mentally and I can hide the physical changes. Its not perfect, but there's no perfect options available anymore. I am at least quite happy, for now.
Hugsss shadesofred. I hope it works out with your wife. Can relate to a lot of what you said. Before i came out to my wife we werent doing very well either. Coming out saved my marriage cos now im truly happy.
I love my genitals though but i agree with you on the breasts haha!
Welcome x
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Hi Shadesofred, welcome to Susan's. It's tricky balance trying to deal with your gender and deal with your marriage at the same time. It's been tricky enough for the relationship I'm in and that is post transition. You need find what works best for you and go with it in the end. You also need to determine what is is more important. Transition or saving your marriage. It's possible to do both, but to do one you will likely have to risk losing the other. I'm glad your going to seek therapy. I can totally relate to your needs though. I can't wait tell mine is gone next year. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
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Welcome to Susan's Place, ShadesOfRed!
ShadesofRed,
Oh my dear, I can feel your anguish. Please be gentle on yourself. I am also new here and I'm 64. I dare say few start this late in life and being a late bloomer brings on a few extra worries on top of the others you may have. Therapy is a wonderful thing I find, especially one on one. It is good that you seek it. I cannot offer you much wisdom but I can offer my heart to love with, my ears to listen to you with, and big hugs! I sometimes find that's what I really need. Perhaps you will too.
Take care of yourself sweetheart...
Hugs, Savannah
thank you all...this stunned me. I didn't expect such a greeting. Thank you so much.
*hugs to each of you* (something I wasn't allowed to do or was not done to me growing up).
Hi ShadesofRed :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Stop hiding
As Mariah wisely says that, while some marriages will survive, there are risks that trying to achieve one outcome might have to come at the expense of another that is equally important. That you are going to joint therapy I think is a positive sign; that other person should act indirectly as a moderator and hopefully encourage 'negotiations' rather than 'entrench' positions.
Everyone deserves to be happy and true to themselves..... You are faced with dilemmas, which way to turn, to have 'this', but not 'that'. You should remember that your life, and how you lead it, is just as important and valuable as anyone else's when decisions are made. Changing the scripts of life away from the conventional, 'heteronormative' is far from easy..... so I wish you well, understanding all too well why you feel afraid..... However, while your circumstances, like each one of us, are unique, there is lots of empathy here from experience of similar paths being travelled. Welcome and hugs from another newbie!! xx