One of the biggest parts of tranaitioning for me is rediscovering myself, but for me its more then that. I am having trouble understanding who I am and am posting this topic to see if the community can help me.
There are like 4 things my little project of discovery focuses on; Physical Traits, Personality, Flaws/Hates/Fears, and Interest. After like evaluating each of these areas I discovered a lot of good stuff but also alot of things I simply can't make since of and that is were your help comes in play!
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Physical Traits
Age: 22
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 158lbs
Body: Small Frame
Gender: Transfemale
Eye Color: Hazel
Hair Color: Dirty Blonde
Skin Color: White
Hair Length: Shoulder Length
Nose: Small Button?
Mouth: Thin and Small
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Personality
SCIENCE/WISE MODE
Wise
Smart
Organized
Detailed
Curious
Mellow
Meaningful
Analytical
Adventurous
Tense
ARTISTIC MODE
Relaxed
Flowing(Elegent)
Poetic
Peaceful
Creative
Expressive
Un-Hindered
Shy
Quiet
SOCIAL MODE
Friendly
Helpful
Playful
Outgoing
Nervous(Anxiety Disorder-Treated)
GENERAL TRAITS
Open-Minded
Random
Highly Adaptable
Independent
Hyper(ADHD-Treated)
Un-Focused(ADHD-Treated)
Okay, so as you can tell, I have modes(Multiple Personalities) that I noticeably switch between during certain situations or in the event of certain triggers. I wouldn't mind this, since it makes me adaptable, if they would just get along, especially Science and Art. I mean, I love science mode but it makes my art side feel like I'm severly overthinking everything, plus science mode gives me a mellow trait that I consider highly masculine. Then my social side loves my art side but hates the fact shes so quite. My art side just keeps to herself. How am I suppose to deal with all these sides, Its so hard to make decisions when your instinct consist of 3 different options?
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Flaws/Hates/Fears
*My male genitals and a stong aversion of seeing them.
*My somewhat masculine voice and the constant attempts at changing it.
*The absolute disgust of my old name and the anger, disgust, sadness it envokes upon hearing/saying/thinking about/typing it.
*The lack of feminine breast as I see at as a defining feature of the female gender role for some reason.
*Fluffing(Pardon my language) body hair... just.. nasty!
*The distaste and distress of coming anywere within 15-20ft of male clothing.
*I become very angry upon being refereed too by male identifiers.
*Avoidance of public restrooms at all cost!
*I do not like my shy, mellow, tense, and quiet traits, fighting them is an everyday challenge.
*Fear of Needles.
*Fear of Rejection, a fear that made me make an attempt on my life. I pass as female 24/7 365, fighting this fear is a stuggle I deal with almost every second of my life. I am making great strides in defeating it though.
Okay, so there are a lot of statements here, but I do have one question on my mind. I am absolutely disgusted, angered, and displeased in every way possible with my masculine features, so why on earth I still get sexually aroused by things like boobs and lingerie is a new psychological torture hell that I have no idea why it exist and how to get rid of! It would be greatly appreciated if someone could help me at least understand what's happening?
Interest
Art
Music
Female Fashion
Cooking
Beauty
Geology
Chemistry
Particle Physics
Gaming
Writing
This concludes this thread, the few questions I asked deal with issues that are eating away at my mind every second of my life, so I'm begging you, help me by providing me with understanding!