I'm really lost lately. I'm 41 yrs old, proud parent of 3, a 16 yr old boy, and 6 yr old & 3 yr old girls. Married near 20 years.
My wife has known of my feminine side from the beginning, and how it "comes and goes" at times. She's humored me with tolerating me shaving my legs, and pits, but gets annoyed when it extends to my chest. She's tolerated me in panties over boxers. She won't tolerate bras, tells me that I don't need them, and that all women find them horrible, so why would I want to wear one?
In the past year or so, my feminine urges have gotten stronger, I guess for lack of a better term. I've branched out into some jewelry and wearing a bra and breast forms when I'm on my own.
The problem is that my wife won't accept a full transition, and I'm not sure my 16 yr old would either. He's apparently noticed things, and has asked my wife if I'm gay, so...
The problem becomes that my wife tells me I pretty much need to decide being a woman, or living my current life. I cannot abide the thought of losing my children. However, I know she wants me to be more "her man" as she puts it. She says sometimes she can handle some of it, and some things she can't, and sometimes the things she can handle she can't, and attributes it to hormones. Over the years I've gone back and forth, and repressed my feminine urges due to her uncomfortableness with it. Lately however, I have been less desiring of repressing it.
She says that my acting out (painting toe nails, wearing feminine jewelry) is noticeable and selfish and inconsiderate, because people see, and talk, and could make comments to, or in front of, the children and make them upset.
I end up torn, feeling like I can either make everyone else happy, or myself happy, but not both. If I were to lose the kids, I don't know how happy I could ever be, even if I was more comfortable in my own skin.
I told my wife I'd go get my hormones checked in case the dysphoria was caused by hormones. I spoke with my doctor regarding the gender identity issue. She however forgot the hormone test request on the form, so after I took my blood test, they have requested I get a second one. My wife has said why bother, she doesn't believe I want to be more masculine, even if I could be, and has also said she is concerned about the cost factor so thinks it's a waste of time.
When I suggested therapy, she had issue with the cost and time factor, but then has other times asked why I haven't contacted the therapist if I feel that strongly about it.
I know this isn't easy for her, and I know part of her is upset (rightfully so) over me hiding things (like admitting to myself and her I am trans... I tried to deny it for years, even when she'd accuse me of it, I'd deny to her and myself). Or hiding eye shadow in my purse because I know she wouldn't approve.
We've fought twice this past week over it, and I wish I could figure out myself, and how to be happy. It seems it would be easiest to repress the girl inside, to continue with the status quo, but try as I might, she always finds her way back.
How in the world do you find a balance and a happy place? I've not been able to for long.
Sorry for the rambling thought process. I'm kind of all over the place in the past week or so. The more I accept my trans-ness, the harder it gets. Going through a serious bout of self-loathing this past week... :-\
Save your money and forget the blood test. It won't tell you anything you don't already know and juggling levels may make you even more uncomfortable than you already are. What you need is a good gender therapist to figure out where in the transgender family you fit. I am on the far end as a transsexual and nothing would resolve my issues other than going all the way. Not everybody is that way and can find middle ground where they are comfortable. This is really a bit complex to explore online and that's why I am suggesting therapy.
Once you understand what you need to feel comfortable in your skin, then you need to make the decision about the family. It possible that cross dressing is all you need and then again, you might need more. You will have to provide that answer because nobody other than you can make that decision.
Doing nothing about it, suppressing your female side, and trying to be the "family man" your wife wants you to be is a bad idea, in that it can end up having some nasty and severe health consequences for someone your age.
Go on another ten years and you may end up like me (YMMV) -- having weathered ten years of anxiety attacks, panic attacks, high blood pressure, and on beta blockers and tranquilizers. The time to deal with this is now, while you are still young and healthy.
And as far as "acting out" with overt signs of femininity being selfish, is having a colostomy bag "being selfish" if your kids friends notice it and pick on them because Dad is carrying a bag of doo doo around on his belly?
I am sorry but gender dysphoria is a medical condition just like colon cancer, and just like colon cancer, it can cause you to have to change your physical appearance.
My wife understood just how real this was when my crossdressing lowered my blood pressure back down to normal and let me mostly stop taking the pills. Hopefully things don't get that far with you.
I agree with Dena, a good gender therapist can help you sort out your feelings and help you sort out what you need to do.
Take one day at a time. I know that is hard but try to not scare yourself with all the potential outcomes.
Thank you everyone. I appreciate the comments and advice.
My biggest issue is I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to lose anyone. But I don't see that I can have my cake and eat it too.
I relate very strongly to a lot of what you are describing.
Im early on though, I only told my wife about my feelings a few weeks ago. We have one son, one and a half years old, and like you, I cant imagine a world where I do not live with and take care of him.
I have been going to a therapist about my feelings for a few months now, and it is expensive, and it is time consuming, but for me its been very helpful.
But when I say helpful, it helps me, it gives me context, it gives me some clarity, but it does not, at least directly, help with this monstrous dilemma.
I do 100% recommend it though.
I also have been thinking of getting my hormone levels checked to see if they are actually correct, to see if that is part of what is making me feel this way. My therapist says that hormone levels are very unlikely to make me feel the way I do but says if it will give me some piece of mind then that alone is worth it. But if my levels are off, I feel like I will just come out more confused than I went in...
But anyhow, I dont understand how this decision can ever be made, its a loose loose in my mind.
If I transition, I may be happy about that, but I wont be happy about what it does to my family.
If I dont transition, I may be happy that my family is still (hopefully) together, but how long can I keep that up? I dont think I can say once and for all, that I will never consider transitioning again. It will be a constant battle internally, and its bound to bubble up into conflict between my wife and I.
But maybe I can transition somewhat? Maybe just see how hormones make me feel? I dont know, my wife says the second I make the decision to do that I am making the decision to end our marriage.
I just hate the feeling that we have to decide. I cant help but feel like if I do decide to transition its me banking on that very very slight chance that I might get to transition and keep my family, but I might just be in denial, I might just be delusional. I am just so confused.
I guess I dont know where I am going with this other than to tell you I understand, I relate, and whatever you decide I would understand why and support it.
I understand this no win situation too.
Best of luck. I hope over time I will see a successful path forward, but at the moment all I see is unhappiness.
Take care
Cass
Thank you all for the replies. It does help to know I am not alone in this situation, although I know everyone has their own specific situations.
Hugs to all.
Dear Tommi;
My friend you are truly stuck between a rock and a hard place and I do not envy your position.
I was more fortunate in that I didn't have any children but I found it eventually became impossible for me to contain my female side any longer. I sought out a gender therapist and with help began my transition.
I was able to take an early retirement so I could transition which looking back, retirement was an error as now I am looking for a full time position as a transwoman and not a man. We all know how successful finding work can be for us, especially much older people.
It will take a lot of time for your family to accept things, if they ever do. There is a forum on here for family members to ask questions. Perhaps they might like to talk with others in the same situation?
Sorry I don't have the magic solution for you but rest assured, we do care about you and will be here to listen to you and offer as much help as possible.
Best wishes and peace to you.
Love,
Clare
Thank you Clare!
I have mentioned to my wife the Significant other's forum on here, I don't believe she has any interest in posting or reading there. She didn't give me that indication anyway.
Quite honestly she has let me know she probably wouldn't stay with me if I were to pursue transition. My worry is the children, and how it affects them.
The problem I am finding is that the more I choose to accept myself as Trans, the less I am able or willing to go back to repressing it. However that path leads out of the comfort zone, and into the fear of the unknown... so I'm torn.
I've kept a lid on it pretty well for this long... I'm not sure why my ability to do so is slipping.
Tommi, I was able to keep my female side repressed as long as I could. Each time she came out to play, it was harder to put her back until it got to the point I couldn't do so any longer. Once I accepted her, I was a lot happier and stable and I could never go back to how I was before. Indeed, it seems like an entirely different life before now.
I don't know why the desire gets stronger but it is important to let them know that being trans is not a lifestyle choice. It can no more be denied than stopping your breathing of choosing your skin colour because it began a very long time ago, possibly in the womb as a fetus. (The jury is out on the exact beginnings and causes.)
I feel education is the key. The more others know about something, the easier it can be to accept. However, all the education in the world won't help if they do not open their minds and accept the material. Indeed, even with education they may never accept who you for who you feel you are. That's a sad thing because you are still the loving parent you have always been inside, just different look on the outside.
Love,
Clare
Hormone (Testosterone) level isn't related to this. Mine actually started out pretty high and I was feeling acute dysphoria all the time. As testosterone levels reduced through HRT the level of dysphoria also fell drastically. It is counterintuitive but higher testosterone levels actually make you feel worse.
Quote from: Deborah on November 30, 2015, 03:16:48 PM
Hormone (Testosterone) level isn't related to this. Mine actually started out pretty high and I was feeling acute dysphoria all the time. As testosterone levels reduced through HRT the level of dysphoria also fell drastically. It is counterintuitive but higher testosterone levels actually make you feel worse.
Not sure if it's related, but I've always heard hair loss was related to high testosterone, and I lost mine at 21. I do know I've had this disconnect most of my life, and just tried to act "accordingly" to my physical body, which involved a lot of acting, for which I deserve a Grammy. ;D
Don't believe that high testosterone equates hair loss stuff. I think that story was put out by the bald men's association to get women! After all, where would all the hair replacement places be without men being vain about hair loss?
I was the only bald one in the family and my mother's father was bald. My father had a full head of hair when he died as did his father and my brother has a full head of hair as well so it appears genetics plays a role.
As for testosterone levels, they vary among individuals, but it doesn't play a big role in having someone be trans or not.
Love,
Clare
I have heard that about testosterone too but mine was 826 nrg/dL at age 55, well above average, and I have zero hair loss. So either there are other factors that contribute along with testosterone or I have something else going on. I'm not sure but I think there must be other genetic factors involved.
I know about that Grammy acting :-). I got so good at it I wasn't even sure who I was any more or even if "I" still existed.
I've heard about the genetic link to your mother's father, and my maternal grandfather was bald at 19, so I counted myself blessed to have lasted a couple years longer. Always been sorry though, I had a nice long mane until it started thinning. I miss my long hair, especially now that I've admitted I'm trans. One thing that definitely upsets me, I don't feel very feminine bald. Even though I know there are wigs, and not all women have hair, etc.