TL;DR - My psych is trying to get me to feel femenine/womanly when i'm not "dolled up" but rather if i'm just sitting in a tank top, hairy legs, shorts and no wig. I know what he's getting at, but have no idea how to find this space in my head, or how to accept that I can still feel femenine looking like this...:( So i'm looking for advice
So i'm not sure where to put this, whether in the transgender or transexual section (what's the difference in the two sections as far as susan's concerned?). I was primarily looking for a thread or section regarding mental/psych care but couldnt find it so here goes.
I recently started seeing a psychiatrist in Singapore. While he's not as experienced in gender issues as i'd like (only a handful of cases, and I think i'm probably his most "serious" TG case. However he's very understanding (and most importantly not judgemental!), open minded and willing to educate himself in this journey with me.
While I would love to rush in and start hormones yesterday, my life has many socio-economic complications, and in an effort to not alienate those around me, he insists on taking it slow, more for the sake of those around me than myself (it's important to him that I be accepted as part of my journey).
Currently he has given me the exersise of trying to be more comfortable as myself. I suspect his concern is, if i'm not happy now, will I ever be, meaning there's always a million things I could do to improve,change my body, to be more "femenine" but at what point is brain okay with what I have as opposed to my mind always wanting "more" (Rather like an artist who never feels her work is complete.
As such he told me (and encouraged me to ask here) that for now on days when I get the chance to dress up, to find ways to become more "comfortable" when I dress "down". Not really returning to my male self, but not completely being my "female" self. He wants me to start seeing myself in that state as also femenine, and i'm having trouble wrapping my head around it...any advice?
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I think the main thing you need to do is decide how YOU want to move forward, what will make YOU more comfortable....it's not about what you therapist wants, for whatever reason. Yes, use them as a sounding board and take advice, but with the best will in the world, if they have limited experience of dealing with trans people and aren't trans themselves, then they aren't in any position to decide what is best for you.
They're right about the people around you accepting you, but in reality they either will or won't, however you approach it. Definitely let them know what is happening and be open to discussion with them about fears etc, but do what makes you feel good and comfortable in your own time, not someone else's and definitely don't hold yourself back because other people are having trouble getting their heads around things; how long has it taken you to get used to the idea of your gender? Do you really want to wait that long for others to get on board, and what if they never do?
Your life is for you to live, not for others to be prescriptive about how you should be. It's definitely difficult at times, and the hardest things are often the most rewarding and necessary, so decide what it is you want, make a plan to deal with getting yourself there and then do it for you, not for your therapist or anyone else. It's hard to tell from your post whether the psych is taking this approach because you're waiting for direction or whether they're actively trying to direct you off their own back. Neither is great though, take the reigns yourself, you'll feel better for it.
As for feeling generally feminine in yourself; I found that feeling came on over time once I started going full time and then more so when I started hormones. The reality is that you need the time to let your brain drop all of the male facades it's put up over time to try and fit in to society, which isn't instantaneous and, in my opinion, isn't going to happen if you hold back on moving yourself forward. It's like trying to get to the finishing line of a race but just sitting on the floor and doing the leg movements of a person running....looks similar, but is very unproductive.
In my experience, I found that doing the basic groundwork with those who are important to me and my workplace (letting them know what's going on, mainly) then just jumping right in got all of that terror out of the way in one go, leaving the bit following my 'official' move to presenting full time as the correct gender, going by my new name, etc, as an exciting adventure to enjoy with a few things here and there to mop up as they became apparent. I found this a much better approach than trying to guess all of the issues that may arise and then deal with them before they were an issue, which would be a waste of energy handling things that may never happen. For what it's worth, a lot of people may feel that they wouldn't be able to handle you in your new role, but when actually faced with the reality find that they're fine....making a big deal of it yourself makes others treat it as a big deal; act like it's normal (which it is, everyone else gets to wear whatever they want to feel comfortable!) and others will see things as normal.
Bottom line; do you want to wait to be yourself, or wouldn't you rather spend this time that you're looking at what you want to be actually properly exploring yourself than just imagining what might be when everything is in place and perfect for you to make the leap? Because, in reality, nothing is ever perfect and you'll be waiting forever if you take that approach.
Thanks for that! I was scared no one was going to respond! (I've had one or two post that have lain barren :( ) So I want to start by saying thanks for taking the time out to respond.
I understand what you're saying, and if I lived in slightly different circumstances I woud go ahead with what felt right for me. Unfortunately the situation is as follows (and why my therpaist is particularly concerned about how my family perceives and deals with it)
In many respects my decisions and choices are rather limited. After recently failing two startups and being completely broke, I am now being supported by my parents (including my therapist). I'm currently in the process of moving from the Philippines to Indonesia. A country where Transgender and crossdressing is general, is not only frowned upon, but in fact illegal in some parts of the country (oh joy!). While both me and my therapist believe that I can pass very well when I am dressed up, this needs to be handled delicately for the two reasons above.
My move to Indonesia is to take over a new part of the family business, that my parents are giving me to launch and grow to help get me (and my wife) on my feet, out of debt, and live my own life.
On the one side, I feel blessed to be in such a position, but on the other it means, that the least I can do is approach my transition with consideration for how they might feel and be affected by such things. While my gender dysphoria has come out as a shock to them, and although my mom in particular was not happy about it, they have not cast me out, disowned me or denied it. Quite the opposite in fact, they not only found me a psichiatrist to help me deal with it, but not one to get me out of it. Furthermore they are actively making an effort to better understand gender dysphoria, which from what i've seen is a boon in itself. Even more so being part of an Indian family who are typicaly traditional and averse to things out of the norm
As for my therapist, while he's not trying to not make me do transition, it's important for him that my transition does not result in me being cast out or our family breaking apart because I went too fast. From his perspective a few months up or down could make all the difference in not only how those around me accept my transition, but to also better prepare me for the trials involved.
For example he was concerned that most of my time when i do get the chance to be dessed up I spend it alone at home, he encouraged me to have my brother over and begin socialising more. Considering that my inmediate family know (and he was the one most ok with it) and my wife is still wrapping her head around other people knowing, its a good middle ground that can lead to more things.
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Yokosoko, I have to agree with Hyperduck. Feeling like a woman is more of a state of mind as opposed to a physical thing like being dressed. It just takes time to get that mind set in place and I find that it's the only way I think now. I can have blue jeans and a T shirt on and have hairy legs and no make up on around the house or be all dressed up for an event but I am still me.
I found that it was good to take my transitioning in planned steps. They would allow people to get used to one phase before I charged into step 2. Taking things slowly is a good idea however, each of us has our own time table and speed on how we transition or even how far we go. Even then, not everyone was on the band wagon when it has come to my transitioning. My hand is always out to them, it is up to them to take it and accept me or to stay in the darkness they have chosen for themselves. I am the same person inside, just different wrapping on the outside.
I wish you much luck and happiness on your journey and if we can help, I'm sure that will be offered.
Love,
Clare
Hi Clare! Thanks so much for your words! I think you hit the nail on the head. My due to me having a life transition (moving, new business etc), my therapist is helping me work out a timetable around that, as well as figuring out how far I want to go, as in still unsure about hormones and beyond.
As such in the meantime I think that's what he's hoping to help me achieve, is getting my "mind in place" that being a Woman is about me and not how I look/dress.
Of course that's easier said than done, so I was looking for advice on little things I can do to help me find that space while we figure out the transition details
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Yokosoko, how far you go is up to you and even that can change. I thought that if I just had breast augmentation surgery I'd be happy. Well, over time I wasn't and hadn't planned on HRT because of my age. Guess what? 3 months on HRT and it has made a difference.
It will take time to think I am a woman 24/7 and in time it won't even be an issue. People don't go around thinking I am a man, I am a woman, they just go around their business.
I can't offer any quick fix solutions because eventually I just became, well, me!
Love,
Clare
Quote from: yokosoko on November 24, 2015, 08:38:40 PM
Of course that's easier said than done, so I was looking for advice on little things I can do to help me find that space while we figure out the transition details
What is working for me right now is a combination of three things.
The first is HRT. Without that nothing ever worked despite the fact that my internal feelings had been sorted out for years. Expressing anything feminine or crossdressing before HRT almost made me feel worse instead of better.
The second is growing my hair. I haven't had a haircut now in a year. I'm lucky that I have no hair loss.
The third is simply not trying to be on guard all the time and trying to act super macho as a cover. Now I simply act and speak as I feel without pretense either way.
Beyond that I still present male and have no near term plans for a full transition. At least for now I don't really feel the need as the symptoms of dysphoria are greatly reduced, although not entirely gone. I have left all options for the future open though.
I am much happier and what I have done hasn't caused any problems at work either. If anyone has noticed the female body spray I use everyday they haven't said anything, LOL
One of my biggest issues of late has been down to frustration about the pace of my transition. I always feel like I can go faster but my therapist has been encouraging me to take it slowly and make small but steady changes. I have been following her advice and finally began to see some tangible results.
The effect on those around me has been great, they have accepted a number of new things about my presentation and I am continuing to push the boundary a little bit more each week by doing things like introducing legging's this week and having laser on my face. Each time I do this it seems to reinforce that my transition is progressing. As much as I want to hurry I can see the benefits already, My wife has gone from "I don't want to see you" to her agreeing I should go fulltime at home as of this week...a couple of hiccups but I will get there.
It is hard to be patient but well worth the effort, try a few out things and see how they react.
Good Luck
Sarah T