Sorry for another one of my rants and this sorta being similar to my last post. I just feel like I'm walking around in a dream all the time. When I'm at work all I want to do is be back at home, but when I'm at home I feel isolated. I can fake happy conversations at work but find it exhausting. I guess that makes me an introvert or simply someone who becomes anxious around others.
I feel like I'm not masculine enough to be with trans guys, not female enough to be with women, not straight enough to be with a straight group nor gay enough to be with a gay group. Sorry if this feels like generalising but I wish I had someone like me. All l want to do is scream, to rid myself of this masculine shell I'm forced to inhabit bcos I still live at home. All I want to do is be feminine and happy about my queer status, but where do you start? I look in the mirror every night for more T changes but see none which drives me mad although I'm only 3 weeks today. I don't feel much happier on T (I'm still thankful I have this opportunity and someday I may look like the guy I am) but I just want someone to be happy for me.
I wish I felt 100% male instead of 95% male maybe and 5% agender. I wish I didn't feel the constant need to wear female things but look and be referred to as a man. I wish my sexuality was straight forward. I wish that I lived 50yrs from now so that more people would know how complicated it all is. I wish I wasn't a freak and could be like the proud confident ftm s on tumblr. I wish I didn't have to pretend.
If there are any mtfs reading this I'd appreciate if you can chip in too if you wish :)
Hey Elis! I'm not an MTF but I look like one. Well, maybe I look like a cross-dresser. I don't care.
I spent a long time wishing that I felt 100% male or 100% female. I don't. That caused me a huge amount of misery. Some people identify as genderfluid and they seem happy -- I'm not like that. I'm genderfluid and I haaate it. Some days, I feel 20% male and 20% female. Other days, I feel 60% male and 80% female. No, it doesn't add up. Some days, I don't notice when people call me "sir", and other days, it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Some days, I like it when my wife refers to me as female and other days, it gives me a weird uncomfortable feeling.
I dress more femme than I feel, because my body is less femme than I want it to be. Y'know... I'd rather that I was happy continuing to live my life as a man. Failing that, I'd prefer to live as a woman. But that wasn't the hand I was dealt, so I focus on learning how to make myself most comfortable.
I've always been pretty quiet and introverted. Not a man, not a woman, I'm an outsider in anything gender-segregated. It's alarming to me how often that segregation occurs! Feeling like an outsider, I find myself being extra self-conscious about how people perceive me and interact with me. I force myself to be extra outgoing because unlike before, nobody just approaches me because they want to be my friend. People like me once they get over how I look, but I have to put in the effort to get them over that threshold if I don't want to be lonely and feel sorry for myself.
Elis, there is only one group you have to fit in with and that is yourself and yourself alone and no other group. It's what you feel like and need and not what others perceive. Do feel free to take pat of any group you feel like no matter where you are and how you feel. It's about what your comfortable doing and nothing more. I know that I'm over simplifying things, but that is what it boils down too. So the only question one needs to ask is what group or groups do you feel like you want to be part of. Then take part and be apart of those groups no matter how you, sound or whatever else you can think of may be. Those things don't matter how you feel and think is all that matters. I know that we tend to lose sight of that as we are transitioning, but in the end that is all that does matter. Even I lose sight of that every now and then. We are here for you and always feel free to rant, we understand. Big hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Elis on November 27, 2015, 02:33:56 PM
I just want someone to be happy for me.
I wish I felt 100% male instead of 95% male maybe and 5% agender. I wish I didn't feel the constant need to wear female things but look and be referred to as a man. I wish my sexuality was straight forward.
it sounds like we're quite similar, and I'm happy for you for getting this far :)
Quote from: Elis on November 27, 2015, 02:33:56 PMI wish I wasn't a freak and could be like the proud confident ftm s on tumblr. I wish I didn't have to pretend
I just want to point out that you shouldn't compare yourself to people on the Internet. I'm not saying it's true 100% of the time, but most people only post positive things, to appear as tho they are much happier than they are (not just transgender people, like everyone). Just because someone seems like their life is perfect over the Internet doesn't mean it is.
Also, you need to be patient. 3 weeks on T you're not going to have much changes. Hell your changes probably won't be very significant until 6 months or more. Testosterone is not a magic pill that will suddenly make you happier. You have to figure out what's making you unhappy, and work on making small improvements everyday.
It sounds like you don't have much self confidence, and that you're worried about other people's judgement. Building confidence takes a long time, but you can do it... And the phrase "fake it till you make it" is 100% true for this. Start living for yourself and no one else. If you aren't traditionally "masculine", then that's fine! Be the best "you" you can be. Nothing is more admirable in a person than someone who isn't afraid to be their authentic self.
Fitting in isn't all that. Sounds more like loneliness to me. If you want to deal with that you need to get out there and find people, meet people. Nobody is going to just come to you, you are going to have to seek out what you need.
Hey Elis!
Cool to see that you're on T now! I can't say that I relate, but I've never felt like I fit in anywhere either. Not trying to pass as a guy/not out as a transguy right now so I can't speak for that part. I'm most comfortable when I'm around one or 2 people, there isn't much of a "group" to fit in to and you're just accepted as a person. Always feel like the odd one out in a group situation so I just tend to avoid those. I'm so tired of trying to fit in, so I'm not doing that anymore. I figure I only need people that will accept me for who I am in my life anyways.
Though I don't feel it for the same reasons, I feel the same as you do when it comes to spending time with gay men, feeling like less of a man. Which is funny cause I don't feel that way around straight dudes. But then I am not looking to sexually involve myself with straight dudes...
I second the comment about not believing all you read on the Net, both good and bad (people also tend to go to extremes on how utterly teeeerrible all of life is. The net is definitely not a place with lots of shades of grey.). I would especially not look to Tumblr to exemplify the average FTM. While tons of trans guys are on there, there are also lots of young people questioning their gender and sexuality who think they have come to a decision but are still developing and getting to know themselves and a year from now might have had new revelations--so some of those super happy seeming FTMs are actually 13 year olds still exploring who are happy one moment and depressed the next (ah the joys of puberty). I know that it is taboo to say because, for some reason, people have it in their head that exploration is bad and you MUST know exactly who you are before puberty is even finished, but having taught middle school I know that it is a normal part of life for young people to go through phases where they question who they are. Some turn out to be gay, some turn out to be trans, some turn out to be bi or bigender, while others discover they just have an affection for people of the same gender or have a strong connection to traits of the gender opposite theirs but are neither gay or trans. That is why I DO agree that minors should have therapeutic "gatekeepers" while I think adults should be able to decide if they are ready themselves. Because the teenage years are the essence of self-exploration. Of course, there are also people who are 100% sure of who they are at that age, but for many people it is a time of exploration, and supportive places like Tumblr are perfect for that journey which is why I am glad they exist (even though they drive me nuts).
On top of people who seem like they know exactly what they want but are actually young and exploring, some people are making themselves seem happier while others are truly happy. But it is impossible to tell who is who, you just have to take that site with a grain of salt. I will tell you that real life is NOTHING like Tumblr (thank heaven) so please don't use that to judge whether you measure up. Tumblr is a pretend world full of people who can say anything they want and not have the verify the truth. I would seek out a transgender support group if you want to see what life is really like for your fellow trans folk. :)