So, as I'm making lists and checklists of what I need to do to become who I really am, I am faced with a very large block: Coming out, to family and friends. I've already come out to my best friend from high school, mainly because I knew he'd take it seriously and be cool about it; Another friend, who now goes by Olivia, came out to him a few years back and he accepted her very easily. Regretfully, only his and my feedback were positive and were quickly drowned out by her family's negative response. She was disowned and basically disappeared (not suicide, but she just literally dropped off the face of the earth). That may be a worst-case scenario, but it is nonetheless the reason I can't seem to muster the courage to tell my mother, let alone the rest of my family. Years ago, when my step-dad was helping me move into my college dorm, he came across one of my toys (we all know the kind). He played it cool and put it back in my bag. About a month later, he and my mom told me that, if I were gay or bi, they'd accept me either way for who I was... They never mentioned trans.
As my step-dad is no longer a part of my life, I've chosen that if or when I make the legal changes, I'd take my mother's name, but only with her blessing. If that wasn't hard enough, my grandmother has shown a great aversion towards the LGBT community. However, she's okay with members not being open. :-\ I love her and she loves me, or at least the grandson she's known me to be my entire life.
I just really want to know, though: Is there a right way to come out? I can't imagine there's many ways to do it wrong, but still. I've been pondering this one for a while, even before I realized I was trans. Any ideas or suggestions would be very helpful!
Hi Morgan Kate,
Just recently I came out to my wife of over 40 years, and consequently my adult children, not easy and mixed reactions after the initial explosion.
I can tell you that I wrote down and rehearsed it all, so many times over the last year or so, and more specifically the last 10 months (I came out 2 months ago). I thought I had it just right!
The honest answer, I suspect is that you get so wound up about it, or so rehearsed, that at the end of the day you blurt it out. I would suggest a controlled delivery or a blurted out one, tends to drive the same result.
Many things get tested, their understanding of transgender issues, their love for you, you're and their level of hurt... or not.
All I can say is don't hold it in and hide it, it will eat at you and the end result of coming out sooner or later will not alter that.
And anyway you may be totally surprised by the responses xx
After the initial month and a half of pain and tears my wife is starting to come around, one of my daughters and son are reasonably accepting my other daughter still has not spoken with me, I shattered her... and that makes me so sad, but it wont change the inevitability of my changing life.
Just my thoughts xxx
Hugs
Katy
Coming out as trans is fairly complicated and it depends a lot on who is in your life, how close you are to them, where you are in the process of transition, their various religious and political beliefs and phobias, and what you might need from them by coming out.
Family are the most difficult - spouse/partner, children, parents, siblings (and their children)... you will be changing the fabric of their gendered relationship with you and some of them will really, really struggle, others might be fairly supportive.
Close friends - some will be great, others not so much and even a bit weird and some will be really not OK... you really can't pick how they might react until you tell them.
Acquaintances and colleagues - can be tricky depending on the social and workplace cultures. If it's conservative then it'll be rough, if it's liberal then probably things will go well.
At any rate don't expect most of them to understand what you are trying to tell them, there is a lot of misunderstanding and ignorance about what being transgender actually means.
You're right at the starting point right? You're thinking about transitioning and trying to sort out your identity, so consider whether you really need to tell anyone right now. For my current transition I told the majority of people (including my parents and siblings) after I had been on HRT for eight months and was days from transitioning to full time. I didn't have a spouse/partner or children to consider. Very, very few people in my social group knew much earlier than two months before I went full time, just very close friends. And I just found it worked really well that way.
I don't know how you intend to proceed with transition (if at all) or, if you do, how quickly you'll want to proceed (some go at it full tilt, others can take years)... but if you tell the majority of people early in your transition and there are many months before they start to see that "you're serious" about it then they'll constantly be wondering if you have given up or something. Based on experience from my first attempt at transition many years ago, I told friends very early in the process that I identified as a woman and was going to become a woman, and then for the next twelve months or more most of them still only saw me presenting as male. They were somewhat perplexed.
So maybe, unless you have a spouse, you don't really have to tell anyone just yet. At least sort your action plan out with your therapist/counsellor first before you start outing yourself to everyone. That's a genie that won't go back in its bottle!!
Hello Morgan-Kate.
I don't think there is really a wrong way to tell people your situation as each person's way is as individual as they are.
What I did was to let my family know that on such and such date, I would have an important announcement to make. I was pressed for clues but all I would say was I would tell everyone at that time but did say I wasn't dying, didn't win the lottery and wasn't getting married.
On the given date, accompanied by a friend for support, I arrived with some envelopes which I handed to each one and instructed them not to open them yet. I also asked for no interruptions or questions until I had finished speaking as it was something very difficult to say then I would be open to questions. The envelope contained information that might help them understand what I was going to tell them and they could open it later on if they wished.
I began by telling them that for years I had been undergoing some severe mental distress and had recently found what the cause was. I also said that what I was going to tell them was something that I could no longer endure and I had no control over as it was something that seems to be genetic. It was then I told them I was diagnosed with GID which basically meant that although I looked male, actually my genetic code was female and therefore I was planning to transition from male to female.
I accepted questions from each of them and seemed to answer most of them to their satisfaction. One I received was I going to become a prostitute or start dating gay men! They couldn't seem to understand I wasn't interested in men sexually. They did understand the lesbian part which made it easier for them.
They seemed ok with it but I found out later they weren't as accepting as it first seemed. They still haven't really come around and that was 2 years ago so who knows if they ever will?
Good luck to you and I wish you well.
Love,
Clare
Please pass the potatoes, and btw I'm a ->-bleeped-<- 😏
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Morgan-Kate:
Sorry to sound like a broken record to some who have already read my posts here at Susan's as well as repeat what you have read so far here at this thread.
There is eventually the point to my story. So it would happen with family and 'friends' - my history is total rejection. Not one family member accepts me and not one 'friend' who knew my 'before' accepted my 'after'.
My immediate and extended family knew all about me since my infancy and earliest childhood - my irregular anatomy and my 'feminine protesting' arguments and tantrums - all my parents' beating me to beat my female identity out of me. They could not succeed.
I began my transition at age 18 in what I recently learned is termed 'stealth' - my family surely must have noticed my outbursts were gone but had no idea why. Those early years were about reading, researching, and eventually locating counsellors, clinics, doctors, surgeons. And confirming my self and my sanity.
Along the way I met two transsexuals - one on a temporary two weeks assignment at work for gosh sakes - both directed me in those early years.
As you can see by my signature timeline, I began completing concrete steps - in 'stealth' to family, friends, co-workers. Surely family must have seen my appearance changes! (I'm posted here at Susan's' 'Before and After' thread with pictures from those years.)
One early work supervisor violated my privacy and outed me in her gossip when she received Social Security Administration's discrepancy list - a list of names and numbers that do not match what the employer reports to SSA. I was on that list because I was working as 'male' though I legally changed my SSA file to Sharon and female to conform with my increasing transition to female.
My subsequent work supervisor initiated action to terminate my federal appointment on charges of being a F-M transsexual. She kinda got some of it correct while getting some of it wrong - I had learned I am inter-sexed female, so in a way my life transition was from female to male to female. I fought that separation action two years, then decided it was no longer worth the effort the way they tainted my presence.
A curious side note to my federal employment was that it showed privilege. I learned a short time later that the agency was welcoming a higher-up manager during her transition at a different location while the agency was firing me, a mere rank-and-file. I learned a few months ago that she is now the Assistant Director where I once worked. Sheesh!
I decided to move near my father and my high school best friend (1985) who were both now at Arizona. I was female full-time forever when I made my move, but I spent two frustrating weeks temporarily reverted to 'male' while I pondered how to explain my change to them.
I tried talking with my dad but he would have no serious conversations. I tried talking with my friend but he was eager about his surprise wedding. He asked me to be his 'Best Man'. AGH! Well, it took this woman to do that 'man's' job.
I then travelled a side trip to make my first presentation as female full-time forever to my sister who lived at California. She was abusive about my change. This would be the sign of things to come.
I now resided at the same apartment complex as my friend. I earlier informed the manager about my change and that my friend would know in due time - that was about a few days after his wedding. He seemed okay with my change until he recruited four of his buddies - former college football players - to assault me.
A cousin - her and her family had been my second family and endured my feminine protesting - invited me to her wedding. She made one stipulation to me - she required me to wear a man's suit and appear as my male predecessor. Obviously my presence was absent at that wedding.
My dad had not seen me for a month or so. My birthday was coming; he invited me to a birthday dinner at his home. I decided that would be my presentation to my dad. Related to what Grace posted, I wore my best so that I did not appear 'male' to him. He had to know this was serious - my male predecessor was gone. He did not take it well - we spoke very little that entire evening and spoke little for most the first year. He never called me Sharon and never referred to me in female pronouns.
Skip to 1989 when my dad died. My mom arrived late where my dad and I were staying with extended family at New Jersey - she arrived after his death. She knew I had been female but this was the first time she explicitly saw me as Sharon. She saw me on two extended vacations (1983 and 1984) but presented as my male predecessor though I wore female uni-sex attire. I was in 'male fail'; her mind's eye must have still seen me as male, but seeing photographs of those visits, my appearance is female. I begged my mom to talk but she evaded me. It was bad enough with the tension of me not quite welcomed at the home of extended family and then my mom's rejection.
People in my current circle of friends, excluding those of my transsexual groups and my medical team, know nothing because I have so far told no one. I'm 'out' and have a web-site, but I do not wave flags or wear a lapel insignia.
So if my family who had their lifetime to know and prepare refused to accept me, it is easy to expect your family and friends who learn today could have a difficult time accepting you. There is no dipping one pinkie toe into the waters. Everyone will eventually know and it is better to tell direct to them than they hear through family gossip. As Katrina posted: there will come a time when you can no loner keep it in without it eating at you and the results will not change.
There is some valid humour using Kittenpower's method.
My best wishes to you
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There is absolutely a right way. And a wrong way.
The right way is the one that is comfortable for you and works. The wrong one..well, doesn't.
It takes a lot of soul searching, and honestly you might be surprised exactly how and when it comes out. I have my coming out story in the main area of this forum you can read if you like. Honestly I adopted the policy of "I have zero f#cks to give." And I don't really hide it. Most everyone close to me knows, and many casual people. I go out often. I go to the salon. It works for me. But it took me reaching 37 to finally get there.
Trust your heart and be brave.
A few things that worked with my coming out, especially my difficult ones:
1) Knowledge is power. Knowing about gender identity and dysphoria can help you start laying the ground work for the coming out. I started by asking both my mum and my dad if they knew what the terms meant, and then explained them. Knowing what you are going to go through in transition, the steps and processes involved, can help you put their minds in at ease. You know about this stuff, have been thinking about it for a while, but to them it's new and scary. You can help them get past fear with your knowledge.
2) Stick to your guns. You aren't negotiating. The people you come out to will probably try and push back on something. The course of your treatment, when you come out to friends and relations, what your name should be... there will likely be a sticking point. You can't give in, because this is about you and your desire to be yourself. It isn't something to be compromised. You can listen to and even take their advice if it suits you, but you have to be in control of this.
3) Your identity is not up for debate. Denial and gaslighting seem to be common reactions, especially among close relationships. To protect they "you" they have come to know and love, they will try a number of tactics to get you to question your identity or your desire to transition. Being trans is something that cis people can only understand in the most abstract way possible. They can't feel what you feel, and they only have limited examples culled from media and limited contact, so they'll try to either fit you in those boxes or say how you can't fit in those boxes. Don't buy into it, and recognize it for what it is, fear and grief.
4) Let the fear and grief run its course. This is the hardest part in my estimation. Sticking to your guns about your decisions and your identity, knowing what you want, these are easy. But as they can't understand what you're going through, you can't quite understand what they're going through. There may be hurtful things said, tears and recriminations, and times where it feels like the relationship might break. I suggest not letting this happen. Now, if you're in emotional or physical danger, that's one thing... but if you can and want to take the storm, it's worth it on the other side.
5) This is more of a long term thing, rather than a tip for coming out, but show people that your life has improved. All of the people I've come out to have commented on how much happier I seem, and that helps them cope. Give your loved ones the same gift, if you can.
I recommend writing a letter because it really helped me come up with an appropriate narrative to tell everyone. I included everything in there that I could remember about ever feeling this way, steps I'd already taken in transitioning, what my plans were for the rest of my transition, and links to resources that could help people process all of this information.
First told my roommates, since they'd be around the most to see it all happen.
Then I told my mom's immediate family (her, little brother, stepdad, stepgranny).
Then I told my dad's immediate family (dad, stepmom, 3 stepsisters).
After all of my immediate family knew, I changed my name, gender, and pronouns on facebook. I had been pruning my friends list for quite a while (700+ down to ~250). I didn't make a coming out post or anything like that. I got a handful of messages from people who were either confused or just wanted to confirm what was going on. I did not have anyone unfriend me. I only had 2 people say that they did not support my decision to transition, and I unfriended them in response. A few people apparently didn't understand when I updated all this stuff, and only realized what I was really doing after I posted post-op pics from top surgery. Again, no one unfriended me. Lots of happy, congratulatory messages.
As of right now there is only 1 person I've kept in the dark and that is my grandfather. I do not intend to ever see him again, so I don't see the point in having what could potentially be a toxic conversation.
tl;dr best advice - Write a coming out letter at the very least for your own use. Look through your social circle and figure out how to deal with potentially problematic people. Tell your inner circle (roommates, close friends, immediate family), and then work outwards once you have that supportive base. If you come out online, remember that what goes on the internet stays on the internet and you can't take it back.