So I'm ftm and the girl I'm dating is straight, we've been dating a while and I'm in love. We're signing a lease together soon and she's been with me through my transition since pre T. The thing is is her parents, they're traditional and Catholic, so they call her a lesbian (she's never even dated a female) and think trans is a lie, I haven't met them and I don't plan on it because I know they'll treat me like ->-bleeped-<-. They're ->-bleeped-<-s to her about other stuff, she's always crying after she talks to them and I'm here to pick up the pieces, even her sister who she's typically close with takes their side most of the time, although she refers to me as he. And when she visited them on thanksgiving they told her I guess I was what she needed for now but this wasn't gunna last. And they know she's planning on moving in with me and they told her they will continue to try to convince her not to. Eventually, as my gf was sobbing, they told her that eventually (I'm assuming when I propose in the next few years) that she will have to choose between me and her family(at the very least immediate family) and if she picks me she's disowned. And I really hate that my very existence is causing this, I can deal with a few of my family members and their hate and refusal to believe that I'm a man, but I love her so much and I hate the pain this is causing her. She says if it comes down to that she hopes they'll change their mind but if not she'll pick me, and I believe her I think. I just don't know how to help her or what to do, I figured if I dated a straight girl I'd have to deal with difficult parents but I never thought they'd threaten to disown her. I just kind of wanted to vent and ask for advice on here, thanks for listening.
Hello Kyle;
First of all, I am not an expert on all things trans, but from what you write, this situation isn't that unusual. People often have problems accepting people that are different from others just like you or me. It's heart breaking to think a family will disown their own child because of the people in her life that she cares for. I think it's a form of psychological blackmail. Love us or love them, that's your choice. It's a terrible place to put your own child in.
From what you write, I don't see them changing their minds and I think you're right in the way they'll treat you. Maybe not to your face directly but certainly as soon as you walk out the door.
I know of a lady who was very friendly toward me before I transitioned. Once I came out she turned ice cold and refused to even look at me. I honestly believe if I was on fire or in medical distress she wouldn't have the decency to call for help yet she claims she is a Christian.
My heart goes out to you and your girl friend and I can only hope they'll see the hurt they are causing her and if they are good, decent people, will accept their daughter's decisions. However, I feel they won't and that's so sad.
Best wishes to both of you.
Love,
Clare
Hi Kyle,
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not at all uncommon to hear around here, and I wish you both the best of luck in dealing with this.
My advice would be to focus on the good. You've been together through your transition, which is no easy feat for most couples. You're taking steps towards serious commitment. If they do end up disowning her, she'll still have you. A lot of us lose family or friends when we come out, but many of us then redefine and choose who we want to call our family based on who accepts and supports us. Support your girl. Gather other good people around you who will continue to build her up even if her family lets her down.
And even though it may be uncomfortable for you, I think it would mean a lot if you went with her to family functions (as long as you're not in any physical danger of course). Sometimes people have preconceived notions of what a transgender person is until they meet one, or realize that they've met one. Maybe meeting you, seeing what kind of person you are, and seeing how well you treat their daughter would help them soften up a bit.