I just want to say that I absolutely hate being me. Everybody keeps telling me that I should be myself and there is nothing wrong with being trans. Well it feels wrong inside me. I hate Jayne being in my head. I want to kill her off and send her to oblivion.
I feel completely and utterly inadequate as a man and having this Jayne persona in my head is not helping one little bit. I just want to be a normal guy and live a normal life.
I'm causing my wife to hurt because I am having this massive identity crisis and now she feel insecure where we stand. I love her with every bit of me and it is killing me that I am doing this to her. She is very supportive of me and tells me to be myself. She even took me shopping for a dress last week.
But what if I don't want to be Jayne. What if I just want to be John? How do I make that happen?
Sorry for my rant. I'm not in a good place. I just want give Hayne an eviction notice and send her packing. There is only room for one woman in my life and that is my wife. Jayne needs to take a hike!!!
J
Well I'd advise to avoid rollercoasters...
you might give both a place and space in your life...
see what makes you feel happy...
some changes to hair and clothing style maybe...
growing hair out, maybe wearing it in a ponytail...
sometimes transgender people are very sensitive, kind of reading other peoples expectations...
knowing helps, you might try to find a balance between your needs, and others...
you might talk about it...
and you might look or a good gender therapist...
there are even online therapists...
hugs
I would see a gender therapist. No one can say for sure if you are trans but you. That being said it sounds like you are and if that is the case there is no getting rid of it. You will be trans for life. I would have to find the study again but about ten years ago I read a study about a group of transwoman in the 1950's who all saw a therapist in hopes of becoming straight men. They agreed come back every so many years after there therapy was over. By the time the 1970's came to a close every one of them was living as a woman, some in public others only in the privacy of their own homes.
What ever you are trans or straight you are you. Try to accept you and not tell yourself you have to be someone you are not. I wish I could tell you this path was easy but it isn't. You still have to be true to yourself though. Best of luck and I wish you well. :)
Thank you for the replies. I am seeing a gender therapist. She is very good. I've had 7 or 8 sessions so far and I'm seeing her again this afternoon.
My problem is that all the signs are pointing to me being trans and I don't like it. I don't like it at all! I so desperately want it to go away, but it just hangs around eating away at me like a cancer! :(
I was actually dressed up at home this morning and it kind of felt good. It felt right. But then those feelings started to get replaced with a feeling of inadequacy as a man and somehow inferior as a human being. I hope me saying that doesn't offend anybody. It is by no means any reflection on anybody other than myself. Maybe it comes from growing up being taught that a man should be a "real man" and a woman a "lady". I don't believe that crap, but it is somehow built into me from childhood.
J
Sometimes it just plain sucks...You don't want to cause anyone any hurt you just want to be you. I get not wanting to be trans...I knew with a fair amount of certainty that when I put myself away in 2003/4 that was not the end of it and I was hoping I could hold out long enough.
I couldn't and I know you hate Jayne right now but she is part of you and makes you the person you are now...not entirely but to a certain extent. Without her would have all the qualities you have now?
Your wife is great but you obviously feel as though you have placed some kind of burden on her...
" I love her with every bit of me and it is killing me that I am doing this to her"
Have you asked her what you are doing to her? Is this her or you? I took on all this crazy crap about my wife only to find she was way less fazed about it than she had been and I had been ignoring the clues..."couldn't see the wood for the trees" situation. Is your perception of her distress worse than it is?
Brings to mind a quote from a book
"Wish in one hand and crap in the other...see which one fills up first" Stephen King The Gunslinger (clean version)
I used to wish I wasn't trans for a long time and once I reached for and took hold of "I am what I am" and actually believed it that wish began to fade. I am not out there shouting to the world but I am happier than I have been for years.
Hope some of that helps you feel a little better...have a hug just in case it doesn't :)
Sarah T
Hi Sarah. Thank. What you wrote does make me feel little better. It is certainly possible that I might be making out in my mind worse than it actually is as far as how my wife feels. I just feel like I've taken the wind out of her sails. She seems a little withdrawn and some of the light I used to see in her eyes has dimmed a little. It just be her going through her own process of accepting any potential changes. I fear I may have done something terrible that I cannot undo. :(
We have both starting seeing a therapist together who specialises in situations such as this. We have our second appointment tomorrow.
I love my wife more than I know how to describe, and I know she loves me. I don't want to lose that wonderful person so full of life and sense of adventure to someone living in a closet which I built!
When you say that sometimes it just plain sucks......that is an understatement of epic proportions.
Thank you for your support
J (I just don't know if I'm Jayne or John, so I'll just go with J for now)
Here is a link to resources which could help accept:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901
one is a link to a letter from an accepting dad... he talks a lot about restraints people might have...
and another one is a brochure from the NHS, for trans people and their families...
hugs
J,
I fully understand where you are coming from. I've had my ups and downs, and still do, when it comes to me being trans. I feel sometimes feel like I've "tricked" my wife, which she has told me that I haven't. I often think about what will happen when I tell my parents (still haven't set a date for that, but its coming soon, I know that much) and I often think of the hardships I'll face once I transition. I find myself, on certain days, absolutely hating the fact that I am trans. I often wish that it would go away and I could just be happy with myself. But the truth is, we are who we are.
It can be difficult coming to terms with who you are, I think most of us on here can probably tell you that. I've told my therapist that I sometimes have days where I just think that this is all wrong and not something I should be doing, but that I also have significantly more days where I know this is what I need to do to be who I truly am and to have a chance at truly being happy in life. She has told me that this is normal and she would be worried if I decided that I wanted to transition and then never questioned that decision. So what you are feeling is normal. It doesn't mean to stop and it doesn't mean to keep going, it simply means that you need to work on finding yourself. If at the end you find that you truly are trans, that's great, and if you find that you are not actually trans, that is great too. Whatever you decided, whatever you discover about yourself, at least you know who you truly are.
I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist and have someone you can talk too. I am not a psychologist by any means, but I feel like you need help figuring it all out, and that is completely okay. Realizing you are trans or even suspecting that you might be is a big thing and it helps to have someone who is qualified that you can talk to. I started this journey about a year ago and just a few months ago finally started seeing my therapist and I should have done that much sooner. I still have days where I just cry and cry and cry and wish it would go away, but its who I am. I've spent 29 years living a lie and accepting and embarrassing who I really am has taken a bit of a toll on me, and it sounds like this is what you are going through.
No matter what, though, remember that you are not alone. There are always places like this website and many others that you can go to for help and support, no matter what you are feeling.
First kudos to you for loving your wife so much, that you are willing to sacrifice your well being for hers. Sacrificial love is beautiful whether it is misplaced or exactly where it should be. That is an awesome and terrifying thing about love it transcends our self and so much of the world teaches us to be ourselves first and foremost.
Awesome you are seeing therapy and she is too. You may be underestimating her or reading too much into how she has faced the change. Just as importantly you could be robbing her of a chance to love sacrificially and grow. People with GD are healthiest when they are treating it and it just so happens the main way to treat this is to do what you are doing, thinking of doing, etc.. Long term it could likely be the best thing for you and her.
I know my change and realization has hurt my spouse at times, and shaken her foundation to a degree, so i try extra hard to communicate, to make sure she knows that i will never abandon her, never stop encouraging her or putting her interests and good, high in our relationship and family. Ultimately she has to decide for herself if that is working. I know that as a whole person and a person that is better mentally i can do this. Before i struggled.
There are no "real men" and ladies. Those are concepts foisted upon us by a culture that wants an ordered control over people. There are only people trying trying to make their way through the world together.
Wow! Thank you for such awesome replies. They really made me feel better.
Yesterday, for the second time in 2 weeks my wife and I went shopping. Normally, we both despise shopping and get irritated and annoyed with it very quickly. Yesterday we had an early morning appointment with the therapist together and then we made our way to the shops. We got there before they even opened and stayed until closing time. 10 hours!!!! We had a great time. It was amazing! My wife bought some things. I bought some guy clothes, which was fine and we both looked at girl clothes for me. Didn't really find anything suitable, but it was fun looking. My wife suggested we try shopping online. Does anyone know of any good online shops in Australia?
J (I now feel like both John and Jayne may fit, so I'll still use J)
I forgot to mention...
I still don't like the dysphoria or being trans or any of the crap going on in my head. At some point yesterday during our marathon shopping day, I decided that it is not something I can control. It is a brain condition I was born with. So trying to constantly fight it is not helping anyone, so I may as well just accept it, and try and do enough to keep the discomfort to a minimum. I'm hoping that crossdressing at home from time to time will be sufficient. Time will tell. Thank you all again for you support.
J
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2015, 02:26:46 PM
... I decided that it is not something I can control. It is a brain condition I was born with.
Tell me about it!
Right now, I'm watching my brain take me down the trans roller coaster, one where I can't see more than a few feet ahead of me. It's not at all what I would have chosen, but I've learned that I can enjoy the ride, or I can fight it and end up in exactly the same place but a lot more stressed out.
It's a little like Tourette syndrome (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome) -- you can control it to some extent in the short run, but in the long run, you can't (except by killing yourself.) If you can explain it to your wife like that, it may make it easier to understand.
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2015, 02:26:46 PM
I'm hoping that crossdressing at home from time to time will be sufficient.
It will be until it isn't.
Thanks Asche. Just learning to accept myself seems to make a big difference. There is a difference between just saying I accept myself and truly accepting myself. I think I'm now somewhere between the two working towards truly accepting.
Logically it makes sense in my head that truly accepting is a better way, but actually getting to that point is a bit slower.
J
Quote from: Asche on December 04, 2015, 02:56:27 PM
It will until it doesn't.
I would like to amend this a little bit. I would phrase it as "It will UNLESS it doesn't anymore". There is a good chance that simply dressing up in your free time, around the house, will be what you need and you may not need to take it any further. I don't know you so I will not make any assumptions, but I will say that many people end up staying in the stage of dressing up from time to time and do not feel like they need to take it any further. Some people will tell you that "crossdressing always leads to transitioning" and that is simply not true. There are many people out there who can get what they need just by dressing up around the house and occasionally going out to local bars that are known to be trans/crossdresser friendly, though even then you should look into the place before going there. More often than not it will be a gay bar (which is perfectly fine, not meaning that to sound derogatory or judgmental in any way at all) but never assume that just because its a gay bar that it is trans/CD friendly, and even the ones that are sometimes prefer you to come in dressed up only on certain nights (when they have a drag show, for instance). So just make sure you know it will be a safe place before you go.I haven't been there in a while, but I go to a local gay bar from time to time because they frequently have drag shows and on those nights I can go there presenting myself as a woman and be surrounded by other people who are either transgender or cross dressers. Its an amazing experience to be able to go out in public dressed up as the gender you identify with. For some, this is enough. They can dress up around the house and be able to go out on occasion and then the rest of their time they are fine being the gender they were physically born as.
Asche, though, is correct. For a lot of people, this ends up not being enough. However, I would say don't worry about that right now. If its something you are struggling with, take the approach of moderation/baby steps. Dress up around the house, in your free time and if you feel comfortable, find a local bar or other establishment where you can go occasionally while dressed up. If anything, it will help you become more comfortable with who you are and will give you time to really decide if you need to take it further or not. And, of course, if you find that this is enough, great, if you find you need to take it further, that's great too. As said before, its all about finding yourself and being comfortable with who you are, no matter where you fall on the very wide spectrum.
Good luck honey! And also I am glad to hear you are feeling better about it. If you need any more help, need to rant or just need to remember that you are not alone and there are others out there that understand what you are going through, keep this site in mind. I think its safe to say we are all here to help in anyway we can.
Loves.
Emma
Thanks Emma. My wife and I don't go to bars and clubs. We are pretty quiet and generally keep to ourselves, which works for us. Baby steps is the way to go for us, remembering that my wife is also going through an adjustment phase. I'm reasonably confident that the occasional crossdressing would be enough, but only time will tell.
This website has been a fantastic support for me.
J
Not saying this is you, but my resistance to accepting that I was trans was internalised transphobia. Even after spending two years on HRT and attempting to transition I then spent twenty years denying that I was trans because I hated the thought of what that might ultimately mean. That stemmed from the idea that it was OK for other "freaky" people to be trans ("if that's what they felt they really really wanted") but it clearly wasn't me and it absolutely wasn't for me I just had to not think about it. Meanwhile I just got more and more depressed...!
As soon as I dropped that transphobic broken record it was full steam ahead with transition and I haven't regretted it one iota.
Hi Grace, what you say may well be true for me. It's ok for others to be trans if they are happy that way, but not for me because I'm not happy that way. Those kind of thoughts have often entered my head. I firmly believe everybody has a right to be the way they want to be and if they don't want to be a particular way but have no choice, they still have a right to be. I hope that came out right.
It's funny you mention the internalised transphobia. The therapist my wife and I saw together last week for the first time suggested that I may need to get over a possible internalised transphobia in order to accept myself.
My gut feeling is that there probably is a little internal transphobia (why is it happening to me kind of thing), but also I really am just unsure. If I felt really girlie and feminine I would probably accept it easier. I seem to identify more in the middle of the spectrum (tomboy) and kind of swing to either side of middle. Sometimes boy mode is fine other times girl mode is what I need (as in girl body). That confuses me a lot and makes self acceptance more difficult.
J
Hi Jayne:)
I'm following this post, and hope things become clear in time:)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman
Hi jamiej, thanks. Small steps, but I think it's all in the right direction.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2015, 06:30:25 PM
It's funny you mention the internalised transphobia. The therapist my wife and I saw together last week for the first time suggested that I may need to get over a possible internalised transphobia in order to accept myself.
My gut feeling is that there probably is a little internal transphobia (why is it happening to me kind of thing), but also I really am just unsure. If I felt really girlie and feminine I would probably accept it easier. I seem to identify more in the middle of the spectrum (tomboy) and kind of swing to either side of middle.
Turns out I had a massive load of internalised transphobia and never realised it - as soon as I let it go I felt so much better about myself.
I totally get the "I'm not girly, more tomboy" thing. That was my reasoning too. Turns out that once I was able to fully explore and inhabit my gender identity I was a fair bit more femme than I realised. Sure I like wearing jeans and (mostly) sensible shoes but I have been able express myself as the woman I am, and sometimes that means a very girly dress!! ;D What a relief.
Being in our assigned gender role means were always evaluating our wants and needs about our gender identity through that prism and it can be very distorted. It isn't until you feel free and safe enough to work through your identified gender and persona that you really get a sense of just how much of a "tom boy", or not, you really are.
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 04, 2015, 03:57:53 PM
Not saying this is you, but my resistance to accepting that I was trans was internalised transphobia.
Yeah, I think I had some of that, too. (Maybe not necessarily the same way, I don't know.)
I'd always thought that if I transitioned, I'd see a repulsive caricature of a woman in the mirror. Since I'm already repulsed by how I look, it was kind of discouraging. Once the light started dawning that I wasn't going to be able to live as a man any more, I started going to trans support groups simply to get to know some trans women and maybe get an idea of what I might look and live like. As I've gotten to know more trans women as people (though not religious, I often use the phrase "God's children"), not just as pictures, my resistance to the idea of being trans and of transitioning gradually melted away. There are trans women I know, including ones who don't pass at all, who make me feel I could be well content to be like them.
There's also an aspect of accepting and loving the parts of me that I used to be most ashamed of. A large part of my growing up was being trained that pretty much all of the most essential parts of me were bad, shameful, and to be eradicated or hidden away as thoroughly and quickly as possible. A lot of what I've been doing over the past few years has been to rescue those children from their locked cells (cf.: "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas") and accept them and love them and heal them (to the extent it's possible.)
I mostly agree with Sarah that "Sometimes it just plain sucks". However I would leave off the Sometimes. Being trans just plain sucks. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who Wants to be trans. Yet there is magic that takes place when you finally come to own, to accepting that you are.
What sucks even more then being trans? Being trans and spending enormous amounts of effort to push down all those bobbing corks. Having to carry around all that excess emotional baggage. I know I had a lot of internalized transphobia. I still have some. I also know the realities of the world around me. The very real, at best, obstacles a trans person needs to deal with. My wife fears for my safety all the time when I am out presenting as female.
My wife has a somewhat unique perspective. She is far from thrilled about having the T-Bomb dropped. Even less thrilled about "the bumps on my chest". She cannot think of me as a husband. It is all better then finding me dead, hanging from a rafter in the garage. I tend to agree. Though I have an incredible amount of guilt over the additional pain I am causing in her life and the insecurities of a future together.
Thanks Grace. I start to get really depressed if I try to imagine myself being this girly trans person. I'm not sure if that is brought on by a bunch of internal transphobia. I mean that I don't even have the slightest bit of any feminine physical characteristic. None whatsoever. So if I do identify as a girl, what would that mean. In my mind, the world would see me as some sort of freak guy in a dress. I guess that would be transphobia in me.
I feel happier if I think of myself as they guy I appear to be who dresses occasionally to relieve some of the dysphoria, even if that isn't how I truly identify.
It's so confusing.
J
Asche, I don't think I have any hope of ever passing. I've seen the Before and After thread and there are some amazing results there, but passing is not something I think I'm capable of. Besides my looks, there are my mannerisms, the way I walk, talk, etc. it all says guy. And if it is such a huge effort for me to change those things to be a girl, then maybe I'm not really a girl. This is hurting my head to think about it. I feel like I'm wasting my life away trying to figure out that I'm something I'm not rather than just enjoying life the way I am.
J
You should see a psychologist imo, not a gender therapist.
Joanne, I agree with you. It doesn't sometimes suck. It just sucks, always! It weighs very heavily on my conscious that I am causing my wife pain and insecurity. She should never have to have dealt with her husband thinking he is a girl. I feel like I have done her a wrong that I could never make right. She has been amazingly supportive, which reminds me how much of a better person she is than me. I should be strong enough mentally to contain this mess in my head, but I am not. I know being trans is something that can be controlled as much as being able to control the colour of your eyes, but I still feel guilty that I can't control my transness. It just sucks!!
J
Hi Skylar, my gender therapist is a psychologist.
J
*
J:
Your Susan's post count logs plenty of entries - you've been here at Susan's quite a while: reading, thinking, posting, exploring. That you give this topic weight as it applies to you demonstrates you are serious. That is all positive in your favour whatever you determine for your future. You have a loving wife who wants to stay with you, another positive.
Of course you can try ERT on a temporary basis (short term or low dose) to determine how you feel and how the medicine makes you feel. There is a time frame when you have reversible feminising if you should ever revert. You and your counsellors can determine this opportunity.
You are correct to some extent when you see those before and after pictures. Do the subjects disclose they had FFS, BA, and other procedures? Do they admit they are under make-up? Are they changed when they are young? Those questions all make a difference on anyone's prospective results. All I had was GCS; my pictures are without make-up except one and I identified it as such.
Also know that, yes, 'your mileage may vary'. Just as males develop along a spectrum and you currently perceive yourself male, so do females. Not all are hot bods and not all are that 'guy in a dress' type. This is about you finding your self and your identity wherever they may be. Likewise your fears. I was filled with fear and apprehension despite all my years and all my discoveries; I prefer to conclude that I came out okay at the end.
Allow me to repeat that if your wedding vows included the 'for better or for worse' tradition, then this is your 'for better' coming out. Your wife seems a keeper enjoying your shopping date together. Maybe she will enjoy the Jayne part of you as her new best girl friend while the John of you remains her husband. That makes both of you winners.
*
Hi Sharon,
Thanks again for your support. I assume ERT is the same as HRT. I don't think I'm at a point where I want to do that. I'm going to try dressing at home from time to time. Apart from not wanting to be trans even a little bit, something that causes me so much confusion and distress is that I can be happy in guy mode, just not always. It changes between boy-girl-boy-girl-etc. I don't know if boy mode works when I distract myself with work/hobbies, or if it just the way I am. Maybe I'm both male and female. It would be a lot easier if I identified at either end of the spectrum rather than in the middle. The middle causes a lot of uneasiness, confusion, distress and just generally makes me feel totally loopy!
I am getting a lot better at managing the confusion. I don't like the feeling at all and I'm tired of this gender crap consuming my mind 24/7. I'm going to try and ignore it and hopefully dressing at home will make it a bit easier.
J
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 05, 2015, 12:44:34 PM
Joanne, I agree with you. It doesn't sometimes suck. It just sucks, always! It weighs very heavily on my conscious that I am causing my wife pain and insecurity. She should never have to have dealt with her husband thinking he is a girl. I feel like I have done her a wrong that I could never make right. She has been amazingly supportive, which reminds me how much of a better person she is than me. I should be strong enough mentally to contain this mess in my head, but I am not. I know being trans is something that can be controlled as much as being able to control the colour of your eyes, but I still feel guilty that I can't control my transness. It just sucks!!
If you were a horrible person would she be supportive? Or simply file for divorce?
But you are right about not being able to control your transness any more then any other malady. However, you do have the ability to change how you manage it, or mis-manage it.
Mis-Manging is easy. Sheer force of Will. The 3D's of Diversions, Distractions, and Denial. Substance abuse. All routes I and many others have tried. In my case it slowly turned me into a lifeless, soulless thing with no hopes, wishes, or dreams bar one given up on long ago.
To change all that, and stand a chance of keeping my world intact, I knew I needed to figure out how to get these two great aspects of myself to peacefully coexist. It took a lot of work and gallons of tears. It is still in work in process though I am mostly there.
Over time and effort, how you see yourself as a woman may change. It did for me. Back in my early 20's during both of my "experiments" with transition all I saw and felt I was was "Some Guy in a Dress". Which of course the world easily picked up on. I spent a good portion of my life till then being a big target, I wasn't about to sign up for a lifetime of it.
Some 20 some odd years later not much has changed. OK I lost an inch and am only 5'11" now, still big hands, big feet, barrel chest, super-sized super orbital ridges, deeper then average voice, the list goes on. However my internal Wizard gave me Attitude. Like they say 99% of passing is attitude. I achieved my lifelong dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.
Even better, thanks to Attitude and all that work on myself, is finally being able to recognize me as a person who has done some pretty great stuff and lots of cool things to be proud of. By accepting myself as who and what I am I finally saw what so many others have seen about me. Being happy being you is amazing.
Not being happy by not being you totally sucks. (I think I just argued for being trans dies not totally suck. Once again Not Handling being trans is the real reason :o )
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 05, 2015, 04:40:13 PM
.... I don't know if boy mode works when I distract myself with work/hobbies, or if it just the way I am....
J
Do you really feel
happy in guy mode or is this a learnt behaviour?, because being in guy mode is more "acceptable and easier" Being in guy mode is what you know...being in girl mode brings its own set of doubts and fears of the unknown.
I don't know, Just putting it out there for your consideration.
Sarah T
Joanne, I appreciate you sharing. I'm sure coming out the other end of this current difficult time I'm having will make me a better person. When your head is clouded with doubts, fears, confusion and all the other stuff associated with discovering you're trans, it can be difficult to see things clearly. Thank you for helping to clear things for me. I can be a very slow learner with some things.
J
Sarah, I don't really know. I think I feel happy. I don't have anything to compare it to. I have never lived as a girl so I don't know if what I believe is happy is true or not. I'm pretty sure it's real. If you do something for long enough, it can be difficult to be objective. I don't feel unhappy, so I must be happy, right?
Now I'm confused. You asked a simple question and somehow I have complicated it. Gives me something to think about anyway.
Jayne
Sarah's question makes a lot more sense once you start the roller-coaster ride :o
I was and still am into a lot of "Guy" things. Some related to power and control, something the baby of the family never has and especially a person who is trans. Others are related to building and creating. In Fraggle Rock terms, I am a Dooser. Those traits eventually led to me becoming the uber engineer that I am today.
I also know absolutely that those aspects make up a MAJOR portion of who I am. Hence the importance of my career. Being the hero engineer is who I am. If I can't fix it, it was never broken to begin with. But I'll gladly take credit for noting the plug was out. As well as being the sometimes salesman, intrepid global traveler, glad hander at trade shows. It is part of my core essence. Working for several years in the military industrial complex nearly killed me. I felt like I was back in the third grade having to raise my hand to do anything. It took weeks or months of meetings where half the attendees were either watching cat videos on YouTube or doing other work, for "The Team" to come to the obvious (to me) conclusions. ( On the plus side it also was THE major factor leading to me taking on the trans beast for real. I had wayyyyyy too much free time to think :( )
Typical "Girl" stuff? I love doing girlie-girl. At my support group I joke how Joanne does not do casual. Too many years of dress pants, shirts and ties. You'll hardly see me not in a skirt. I enjoy eating good food so I enjoy cooking. And of course, my bear friends and other assorted plushies. Add in my basic caring, nurturing, always wanting to help, always looking for ways to ease another persons hurt, ease their pain somehow. These days feeling free to express emotions other then anger. Pointing out beauty and wonder in the world that others seem not to see.
Aside from a somewhat controlled part time life as female, I haven't a clue about what actually living as a woman is like. (Full Disclosure, I also had no clue about what actually being a guy is like) You aren't alone there. None of us are, until actually doing it. And it will still be YOU doing it. You are the sum total of all your life experiences. Short of a Men in Black brain eraser there is no changing that. You'll still have the same likes and dislikes. Hopefully you'll grow and learn. In time those likes and dislikes may change. Like your love of broccoli compared to it at age 7. (I was always in love with eating trees)
Two little asides, not too much off topic.
My wife once asked me during the runup on some Super Mega Bucks lottery; "If we won would you want to get the surgery and go full-time?" Since she threw in "The op" the answer came easily. "I have absolutely no idea what it is really like to live as a woman. Even if I had plenty of FU money I wouldn't want surgery until I had some time in the drivers seat"
Both of my therapist had asked me during one of my many WTF periods, "What would be different if Joanne showed up for work tomorrow?" My answer 3 years later to the gender therapist was the same as the first therapist and the same as today's. "There would be no difference... well once people pick their jaws off the floor ;D " After several years of battling the trans beast I can say I feel 80% to 90% the genuine or authentic me. It took a lot of work sorting that bit out, learning who the REAL me is! Presenting as her would bring that close to 100%. If the risk of gaining that 10%-20% can cost a good 60% of the me? Is it worth it? Thankfully I don't need to find out that answer. Least, not today
I had a feeling the answer would be a bit harder than it first appears. I know it was for me...Is Happiness the the direct result on not being un-happy? I am not sure I agree with that so if you are not un-happy, you must therefore by default be happy? Hmmmmm??
I would have thought that there might be a number of other behaviours you do that you may not have picked up as to why or what they are about...for me I could never stand to blade shave long and always resorted to an Electric razor. I preferred the blade shave, didn't really take any longer, cost about the same as batteries for the razor. So why would I use an electric razor when I know I don't like the shave. The answer while simple goes to a far deeper issue...the reason is if I shave with an elctric razor I don't have to look at myself in the mirror which can and does trigger Dysphoria. I have been doing this kind of stuff for years and I can give a number of different things that I have been doing most of my life to avoid triggeriung Dysphoria..I don't even know I am doing them half the time as they are second nature and just part of me.
Joanne, what a great post. I've read it and re-read 3 or 4 times. Since you present as Joanne part time, I'm guessing no HRT and you already mentioned no surgeries? Does that arrangement work well for you? Part time being Jayne to me seems like the better solution for me. I too am an engineer, and I am very good at it. That has to do with who I am rather than whether I am male or female, but I have no doubt that to get to my current position as a female would have been a much more difficult road. I'm in a male dominated industry and it is rare to see females succeeding as well as males. So like you, the male me does make a very large part of who I am. I doubt that as a female I would have the same level of respect in my work as I do as a male. And being a trans female would be even more challenging.
The truth is, I do enjoy my work and the freedom I have to speak my mind and tell others how things work, because I'm usually right and they are wrong :) (just joking....or am I) and I am perfectly OK being male me. Also if I am out on my mountain bike or motorbike, I am also fine being male me. Except for a few times on the motorbike where I have been quite dysphoric for reasons I do not know.
How do you deal with the feelings of guilt for the pain and hurt your wife may feel as a result of you being trans? My wife accepts me, loves me and supports me, but she still feels hurt and pain due to me being trans. We both realise it is something. Have no control over. Is it something that gets better or goes away with time? Or is it the new normal now?
Sarah, not being unhappy doesn't automatically mean you are happy. That's not what I was trying to say. I suppose if I'm not unhappy, then I must be somewhere between happy and .... "neutral" I guess? If happy is at one end of a scale and unhappy at the opposite end, then what I wanted to say is that when I am not unhappy, that includes the whole unhappy half of the scale. So I sit somewhere on the happy half. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head :)
I haven't noticed any other behaviours that I might do to avoid triggering dysphoria. I may have some habits that I haven't picked up on. I'll try and take notice. I know I don't particularly like looking in mirrors. It doesn't exactly trigger dysphoria, but my reflection is at odds with the self image of myself as I imagine others see me. I couldn't describe how I "think that I look to others, but it definitely not what a mirror shows me. So looking in a mirror is purely a a functional exercise....to shave, brush my hair, etc.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 05, 2015, 08:50:48 PM
Sarah, not being unhappy doesn't automatically mean you are happy. That's not what I was trying to say. I suppose if I'm not unhappy, then I must be somewhere between happy and .... "neutral" I guess? If happy is at one end of a scale and unhappy at the opposite end, then what I wanted to say is that when I am not unhappy, that includes the whole unhappy half of the scale. So I sit somewhere on the happy half. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head :)
Jayne
makes sense to me...I understand what you are trying to say. :)
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 05, 2015, 08:37:39 PM
Joanne, what a great post. I've read it and re-read 3 or 4 times. Since you present as Joanne part time, I'm guessing no HRT and you already mentioned no surgeries? Does that arrangement work well for you? Part time being Jayne to me seems like the better solution for me....
Thank you.
I was able to do part time when I was working in the seventh circle of hell. Yet another great (trans) irony of my life is I was in rural West Virginia, AKA hillbillie (Deliverance) country. A major culture shock for this gal born, raised and living about all her live within 5 miles of New York City. My wife was still holding down the fort barking at strangers walking past the house the years I was down there. Eventually our prayers were answered and an old boss called asking me if I'm interested in having the most fun and exciting job I ever had again. Now back in my lovely "Village" within 3 miles of ground zero, Times Square of the megalopolis known as NYC I fear for the safety of my person and property. My wife even more so. Part-time is limited to within the walls of the house or well outside.
I've been on HRT for around 7 years now and developed a B cup. It is a bit of a problem but my wife is 'adjusting'. It's not a full B and the girls are a bit wall-eyed. Since I never wear anything other then baggy in male mode (former fatty with body issues) they are virtually undetectable under clothing.
QuoteI doubt that as a female I would have the same level of respect in my work as I do as a male. And being a trans female would be even more challenging.
THE biggest reason why I am thankful I am not at the point of needing to go full time. I work in the electronics industry. Off-hand I'd say a 75% of the employees at all levels where I am are female. Except of course in the Engineering depart where it's only the admin. (Though if you go by a quick show of hands at many TG groups the techies are waaaaay over-represented. aka finding control or order to a live perhaps?) I have earned an enormous amount of respect of my abilities where I work by everyone from the maintenance staff, production workers, sales, and corner office. That is extremely important to me. I am damn good at what I do, just mostly near zero self esteem (baggage)
QuoteHow do you deal with the feelings of guilt for the pain and hurt your wife may feel as a result of you being trans? ... but she still feels hurt and pain due to me being trans...
Drink and/or eat heavily :(
TBH-At this point in my development I feel that guilt over this is about the only justified guilt about being who and what I am. My wife was told practically on day 1 of our relationship of my gender issues, transition 'experiments', dabbling with HRT, assorted "Am I a
REALLY a TS tests, with the result being "I'm just a CD". The real result really being settling on being a CD since there was no way in hell I can see me going down the transition road of life between my physicality and internalized transphobia with all it's associated baggage. She is justified in her feelings of betrayal, That deep down wish from age 4 was still there. One of her favorite questions to ask people is "What are your hopes, wishes and dreams?". I was asked that several times in our early years not really having an answer. THe slide into lifeless well underway with no hopes, wishes or dreams, bar one given up long ago.
My wife has been living with oft times debilitating chronic pain for about 15 years now. The result of falling 40ft from a tree as a teen. I mostly see this even greater pain I inflicted upon her. On her hope for any future worth living. Taken away one of the very few reason to keep up the fight making the constant rounds to doctors who are actually competent and feel we can trust beyond the "Don't worry little girl I can make it all better" platitude that completely crumbles when asked the first hard questions. (My wife was a nurse and I worked as a medical device designer for many years. We are both well versed in what idiots most doctors are)
She is justifiably concerned about "The Us", if any, in the future. While I less often hear "I did not marry a woman" then after the dropping of the T-Bomb, I believe our love for eachother is stronger then ever thanks to all the personal growth I've undergone. Besides being my reality therapist for nearly 40 years, she has also tried being my spirituality mentor. It took breaking down part of the fortified wall I built around me to finally "Get it", to which she has well earned that credit. If things keep going as they are, if we are finally able to move away from this "Village" to a place where I once again have the freedom to present part time, perhaps even if the time comes I
Need to be full-time, she can see her being there with me. I have never, nor can I ever ask her to be. I did completely turn over the table and unilaterally redefined the marriage.
What she does fear most is the unknown with me. Neither of us want to stand in the way of the happiness of the other. I can say every day "I love you" or "I can never leave you, you mean so much to me" which means nothing. I am growing, I am changing, I am figuring out what really is to be me. To be and allowing my self to feel like the woman I always wished to be. Plus, as she loves to say, I am now running on another hormone system :o With the very real chance of a man in my future. (She hasn't said much of her earlier and well justified fear of about every member of my TG group being an out trans, one a beautiful electrical engineer and me with a 'History' of dating trans-women) If you go by the script of some of my dreams of late, she may be well justified. With me being the hopeless romantic sentimental mush that I am our pre-nup 'open relationship' clause is not in my DNA to exercise.
QuoteMy wife accepts me, loves me and supports me, but she still feels hurt and pain due to me being trans. We both realise it is something. Have no control over. Is it something that gets better or goes away with time? Or is it the new normal now?
YMMV?
"Support", as you may have seen on Susan's by now, often erodes over time as 'IT' becomes all too real. 'The 'Hurt' may not be one-sided. People are good at lying to themselves. SO's hope it's 'Just a phase'. Especially if you drop the bomb and then...... nuttin. Too real especially when you drop the bomb and too much way too fast. And then there is "Love does not conquer all". Just as you cannot change who/what you really are inside, neither can she.
One day I stopped by for a chat with my support group moderator. Of course a little gossip came up. Silly me with a history of dating trans women said "I can't understand how such a good looking woman like ____ doesn't have a b/f?. She is post-op, smart, kick ass body, great hair, it makes no sense?" Her sage response was "It takes a special person to love a trans woman"
The New Normal for me is taking each day a it comes. A far cry different from needing to have a clear, unfogged, vision of what is around me and the path ahead. Too many unknowns. Almost total lack of control. Almost too much for this closeted control freak who has gotten the "Who made you Goddess of the Universe" speech a few times from her wife and therapists.
You try to focus on the positives and not on the pain. Pain is usually from past events. The deep hurt soon forgotten, like that of a child who fell down. The positives are what is happening now. Who you are today. Who you working on being tomorrow. Learn from history but don't live in the past. Same for an uncontrollable future. Live in the present.
Po: Maybe I should just quit and go back to ...
Oogway: Quit, don't quit... You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 05, 2015, 08:37:39 PM
How do you deal with the feelings of guilt for the pain and hurt your wife may feel as a result of you being trans? My wife accepts me, loves me and supports me, but she still feels hurt and pain due to me being trans.
I wanted to add my feelings even though this wasn't directed at me.
I personally do not accept any of the blame even though I knew I was trans, albeit with limited understanding, before I was married and didn't tell my wife about it. Here is why.
My parents pretty much told me I was crazy and through their words and actions I came to believe it was something that would pass and that I would beat. This was reinforced in an all male private high school where I was successful beyond my expectations at the time including being co-captain of the football team and valedictorian. Following that I went to a pretty exclusive college and did very well there too. Most of all that just due to sheer force of will rather than innate talents.
I know that me saying I knew I was trans and that I thought it would go away infers a belief that it was not an intrinsic part of myself. These are contradictory statements. Nevertheless, due to the limited information available at the time and parental influence I really did believe both these ideas at the same time.
So, when I got married I didn't tell my wife because I really did believe it was something I would just put away and beat it through sheer force of will, like everything else.
Sadly, I soon found out I was wrong and so began the long process of self realization, education, and decline to rock bottom.
So who do I blame. For a while I actually blamed my wife, theorizing that if she was a better wife I would be cured. That was really stupid of me and I am long past that. When I finally did find the courage to tell my wife I was at rock bottom and in my mind at the time the choices were suicide or telling. So I told and she was understanding. Had she been condemning I likely would be dead by now. So I credit her with saving my life and in my mind have elevated her to near goddess status. I cannot begin to express the esteem and love I now feel, it is beyond human words. When I stop to contemplate it I am in awe.
So, who do I blame since I refuse to accept any blame myself? Primarily I blame the churches for their adherence to Bronze Age mythologies at the expense of modern science. These preachers of virtue and their influence on culture are directly responsible for most of the idiotic ideas and mental walls we build as we develop on the path to self actualization. Their god [lowercase intended] and his writings are responsible for our early self deception and false beliefs, our subsequent misery, all the discrimination, persecution, and condemnation, and the many suicides among us. His false teachings on this matter are the ones responsible as they implanted in me a totally false self understanding and impossible expectations. So, that is who I blame.
I may have wandered here a bit into rant mode but I feel so very strongly about this that I cannot say anything else. I have put away any "guilt" because I think I did the best I could with the facts of my existence and upbringing. I did not lie. I was completely honest in coming to false conclusions based on things I had been taught were immutable. However, these things are in fact not immutable and simply cloud the intellect, leading one down dead end paths all the while believing in it all. I expect there are many others, especially of my generation, who might come to the same conclusion if they quietly and dispassionately sat down and examined their whole life up to the present.
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Quote from: Ms Grace on December 05, 2015, 01:50:34 AM
Turns out I had a massive load of internalised transphobia and never realised it - as soon as I let it go I felt so much better about myself.
I totally get the "I'm not girly, more tomboy" thing. That was my reasoning too. Turns out that once I was able to fully explore and inhabit my gender identity I was a fair bit more femme than I realised. Sure I like wearing jeans and (mostly) sensible shoes but I have been able express myself as the woman I am, and sometimes that means a very girly dress!! ;D What a relief.
Being in our assigned gender role means were always evaluating our wants and needs about our gender identity through that prism and it can be very distorted. It isn't until you feel free and safe enough to work through your identified gender and persona that you really get a sense of just how much of a "tom boy", or not, you really are.
This totally for me too. I used my dress as a "tomboy" and identity as "sort of girly though" as a protection. One way to keep a foot in both places. I believe for me, it was residual transphobia and fear. When i accepted that i was both transitioning and there are times i want to wear a dress as an example, it changed. I just need to embrace my feminine fully.
I also stopped accepting the blame for my life. Responsibility for my choices good and bad but not blame. A lot TG women who come out to their spouses feel a sense of guilt, like i knew this all along and got you to marry me. I never did feel that way. I had no way of understanding all of this at age 20, zero. I'm not to be blamed for setting my life right, perhaps i was dense and it took a bit long, but that is it. (ok i am dense not perhaps)
Sorry for the delay in replying. I write my reply while at work and must have gotten distracted and forgot to click on the Send button! [emoji846]
Joanne, Deborah and RobynD, thank you all for being so open and honest.
I feel a great deal of guilt. I came out to my wife after being married 14 years. I don't believe I was lying to her for those 14 years. I simply didn't know. Now with hindsight I am starting to remember things that should have been clues but at the time I was oblivious to the fact that I may be trans.
I always felt a great deal of shame if I ever crossdressed and promised myself it was the last time and it would be a shameful secret I would take with me to the grave. It was a promise I could never keep. No matter how hard I tried, there would always come a time where the desire/need to feel like a female was much stronger than my ability to resist. That made me feel weak in character, giving in to something so "terrible" and "shameful". They are the kind of thoughts that cycled through my head.
Deborah, I too credit my wife with saving my life in similar ways. Had she not been so accepting, I suspect I would have allowed myself to be consumed by my depression and subsequently ending it all. If I ever feel depressed, thinking of my wife snaps me out of it. I love her more than I could ever hope to express with words. She sacrificed so much for me, leaving her family, friends, job, everything behind on the other side of the world to come be with me. And now I selfishly dropped this bomb on her and she is still by my side. I am so terrified that I am pushing her limits of self sacrifice and end up losing her. Why is it that I am unable to self sacrifice just a bit and put Jayne on a leash, or better yet into a teeny tiny little box???
I seem to have unintentionally drifted off into a depressive mood. She loves ME. And that includes Jayne! I wouldn't be me without the Jayne part. Jayne has always been inside there somewhere. Sorry, I'm just convincing myself that it is ok to be me!
I actually had a pretty good day today. I was Jayne at home before leaving for work in the afternoon. I felt kind of good about myself. I think the trick is to just enjoy life without thinking too much. Soon as I start thinking, that's when things go downhill. Too much thinking can be bad for your health! :)
Enough ranting now. Thank you all so much for your great comments. They are very helpful.
Jayne
Jayne
I see it's gone from J? To J to Jayne. Good job- accept YOU. joanne, you are one neat lady. Thank you for your honesty, I know it is probably an all too familiar theme.
Jayne, I can only offer my experience. I have know, as you, that I liked CDing since a child, but thought it would go away. Didn't know the condition as TG till college (93-97) but always knew it was more than clothing attraction.
I'm a musician in a country band, coworkers are oil riggers. Mostly Happily married for 15, 2 year old son that I love more than life itself, came out last week to her.
I feel so much better now that I can accept it. Doesn't mean I'm gonna be Katie tomorrow, nor I imagine, ever FT. But, I can OWN the "quirks" I used to justified as fetishes...
Hose, panties, my wife has always known but explained away as my thing... Even though she knew, I was still hiding in my mind. Never wore a bra in front of her, because that would've "been weird."
But now that I've finally, after thirty years of denying/questioning/hating my trans ness, accepted it, I have changed my thought process to say, Ok, this is what's going on, let's figure out where to go from here." Rather than hide a basic ingredient of me from my wife.
You sound like a good hubby and I bet there's a sweet lady in there too. Embrace her slowly and gently. Wanna shave your legs? Try it! It's winter, and no one will notice but you. Wear an unlined/ sports bra under your shirt, but not in fear. See how you feel.
Obviously we all have things that do it for us, maybe underdressing, maybe CD in private, maybe CD in public. Embrace it.
Katie
I'm trying to get my wife to see that I'm still me, and that me has a female part.
Hi Katie,
Thanks for the reply. I'm learning to accept me as I am without being mean myself and think I'm "weird" or somehow sick in the head. I still have to work at it a bit, but it's so much better now that I'm trying to be kind to all parts of me.
I've been shaving my legs off and on for a few months now. It's summer here in Australia, and I wear shorts. No one has said anything, but if they do I will probably find myself justifying it as being a cyclist. :)
J? / J / Jayne :)
Hello,
I find myself going round in circles. My wife and just got back from a holiday in Fiji. The holiday was awesome. Lots of doing nothing in paradise with my beautiful wife. The whole time we were away the dysphoria was barely there. It was still kind of in the background but it wasn't bothering me. Except for one night where I woke up at 1am from a nightmare (gender related) and it took me over an hour to get back to sleep. The next morning I was a bit unsettled but pulled myself together by late morning.
We returned home 2 nights ago and yesterday the dysphoria returned quite strongly and stayed with me for most of the day. Today it is still there but only slightly in the background, and I am feeling very ashamed and angry with myself. How is it that I was pretty much ok while away on a holiday and soon as I get home my mind goes nuts again?
I'm ashamed and angry at myself for thinking I'm a girl and upset that it is preventing me from doing things. My wife is at work today and there are some things I could do at home (hobby type stuff not chores) but I'm stuck in this rut of thinking about gender stuff. I hate this so much. I waste so much time thinking about this stuff rather than just living and enjoying life. I have this dress that my wife helped me buy a few weeks ago, I just want to burn it and throw it away now. I feel so ashamed of myself.
I am so confused with what is happening in my head. Sometimes it seems so clear that yes I am trans and I'm ok with it and feel happy. Then there are other times when I'm happy being the guy I was born which in turn makes me ashamed and upset that I ever had any trans thoughts/feelings. It's a vicious cycle that never ends. So right now I'm feeling like John and Jayne is just a horrible memory that I want to forget.
Anyway, that's my rant for today. I have no doubt that Jayne will work her way back into my head to drive me crazy soon enough.
John
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 19, 2015, 04:00:37 PM
Hello,
I find myself going round in circles. My wife and just got back from a holiday in Fiji. The holiday was awesome. Lots of doing nothing in paradise with my beautiful wife. The whole time we were away the dysphoria was barely there. It was still kind of in the background but it wasn't bothering me. Except for one night where I woke up at 1am from a nightmare (gender related) and it took me over an hour to get back to sleep. The next morning I was a bit unsettled but pulled myself together by late morning.
We returned home 2 nights ago and yesterday the dysphoria returned quite strongly and stayed with me for most of the day. Today it is still there but only slightly in the background, and I am feeling very ashamed and angry with myself. How is it that I was pretty much ok while away on a holiday and soon as I get home my mind goes nuts again?
I'm ashamed and angry at myself for thinking I'm a girl and upset that it is preventing me from doing things. My wife is at work today and there are some things I could do at home (hobby type stuff not chores) but I'm stuck in this rut of thinking about gender stuff. I hate this so much. I waste so much time thinking about this stuff rather than just living and enjoying life. I have this dress that my wife helped me buy a few weeks ago, I just want to burn it and throw it away now. I feel so ashamed of myself.
I am so confused with what is happening in my head. Sometimes it seems so clear that yes I am trans and I'm ok with it and feel happy. Then there are other times when I'm happy being the guy I was born which in turn makes me ashamed and upset that I ever had any trans thoughts/feelings. It's a vicious cycle that never ends. So right now I'm feeling like John and Jayne is just a horrible memory that I want to forget.
Anyway, that's my rant for today. I have no doubt that Jayne will work her way back into my head to drive me crazy soon enough.
John
Hi john:)
I obviously am no good at being able to say I know what you're feeling as I don't. But because I'm still living in the same house as Chris/Chrissy I see him/her go through times like this to. Although Chrissy seems to be around allot more then Chris.
I'm thinking about you, and still following your post:)
Marie
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Significant other
Heterosexual woman
Hey John,
I know exactly what you are feeling and how this flip flopping feels. It really leaves you feeling confused and uncertain about it all. I hope you can soon find some peace in it all. :-)
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If it feels wrong to you being trans, then maybe you are not trans, but perhaps gender fluid, maybe bi-gender etc? there are many levels to the spectrum :)
Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial had helped me for decades to ignore or stuff the GD. Holidays away from home provide 2 of the 3D's and the third one is free. Back home to the same ole same and..... same ole same ole GD rears it's ugly head.
When I took the trans-beast on for real 6 years ago I had a new job some 350 miles from home. My wife and I had a long distance (very tenuous) marriage. When our prayers were answered and I got a dream job back with an old boss back home my #1 greatest fear what going back to "Normal" do to me. Perhaps like a criminal finally let out from prison going back to the old neighborhood, hanging with his old friends. And......
And my GD does rear its ugly head. Even 2 plus years later. I fight to retain the gains I made. My fear of 'Reverting' fuels the GD. A painful reminder of...
I know what does not work
Hello again,
Thank you for your replies. Two hours ago I posted here as John feeling very confused and ashamed of myself. I went in my "hobby" room and started fiddling with an old android tablet I use only for reading books. The on/off button stopped working, so I decided to fix it. Anyway, that distracted me from my thoughts for a while and now I'm feeling a bit more at peace with myself. And it turns out Jayne is still part of me. I don't know why I feel ashamed to be me. Maybe it's some built in transphobia that makes me want to resist being me. I notice that I'm happier when I accept that Jayne is part of who I am. I don't know how much of me is Jayne and how much is John. But Jayne is definitely in there somewhere. Is it possible to be happy having both a male and female side at the same time? How do you make something like that work?
Jayne
You have to come to the understanding that Jayne=John. There are not two parts, only one.
Now, because of stigma you may have built an Avatar as an outward self defense. I know I did. Deconstructing that avatar and rediscovering yourself is your task. I find this song by Engima expresses the entire experience very well.
Return to Innocence
By Enigma
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
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Quote from: Jayne01 on December 19, 2015, 06:30:39 PMIs it possible to be happy having both a male and female side at the same time? How do you make something like that work?
I can give an unequivocal YES, I think because I came to the conclusion 6 years ago
I Needed to figure out how to get Joanne and John to peacefully coexist inside one healthier and hopefully happier ME.
Perhaps some of my confusion comes from I kind of stopped thinking in binary terms as Male or Female. Since I was like 4-5 years old I wished I was a girl. My true inner self is female. To that I have no doubt, and never did doubt. Only denied or otherwise kept locked away in her dungeon. The male outer shell is what I needed to be to survive in the world and time I grew up in. I adapted to those needs becoming a cameleon of sorts able to move withing different "Guy" worlds. Several of those worlds I found joy in. I had raw talent and abilities in. I found a place I can find some peace while fighting the internal battle.
Some aspects of that male shell and for sure the world I created and live in are very real parts of me. I am too painfully aware of the effect of loosing being the respected hero engineer will do to me. Struggle many days with what loosing my wife will do to me. They are very real parts of me, my core essence, just as much, if not more so (today) then being female is.
Both of my therapists asked me this same question; "What would be different if Joanne showed up to work tomorrow?". My answer today is no different then the one I gave several years ago. "Nothing" Sure a few dropped jaws since the presentation is about 180 degrees out as one can get. But where it counts, on the inside, not really much besides perhaps a (temporary) 20% boost to almost total Authenticity. ( I unfairly, to me, put others feelings/perceptions into the mix ) That 'Boost' may eventually cost me in other key aspects.
Thankfully, today, I am able to live in such a world. Most days I see Joanne smiling back from the mirror at me, no matter what my presentation is. The sad old man does make appearances. Often because of some perverse sense of self hatred fueled by shame and guilt I summon him up. Or is a need for a "Reality Check"? If he wins then all this trans stuff was 'just a phase' and I can put it all behind me and go back to being 'Normal"?
I am really really glad he hasn't won the staring contest. I never want to be that sort of "Normal" again. To that I have no doubt that one key stretch of highway with a downhill ramp long enough to reach a good 90 MPH before the nearly perpendicular concrete barrier to which my vehicle and it will become one, will be a reality also.
Thanks Joanne. You and I seem similar in some ways. I'm not sure I knew I wanted to be a girl since 4-5, but I do have some sketchy early memories of thinking myself as female. I am an engineer and very good at my job. I'm afraid that would all go away if I became a girl. I also cannot imagine a reality without my wife with me, so I cannot possibly do anything to risk losing her. Besides, when the dysphoria is not screwing my mind, I don't mind being a guy. I've grown up as a guy and lived my life as a guy. It's what I know.
If I allow myself to accept Jayne is part of who I am, my days go by OK, but if I try and forget about the Jayne part and pretend she isn't there, then that is when I fall apart. At first it's ok, I think I can do this, it's was just some stupid phase, but then the internal conflict starts tearing me apart. I find that I can make it easier for myself to accept if I tell myself that this is just like having an inoperable brain tumour or something similar. I don't like it, I don't want it but there is nothing I can do about it. So I may as well learn to live with it. I don't know if comparing being trans to a brain tumour is a good way to look at it, but it's the only way I seem capable of accepting it. The one thing I know with absolute certainty is that it just plain sucks!! I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could just be a normal guy living s normal guy life. But if I don't accept myself, the alternative is a place I don't want to go, because it is a very dark scary place.
My therapist keeps telling me I'm normal and there is nothing wrong with me. It sure doesn't feel that way. I feel anything but normal and there is plenty wrong with me. I'm hoping that will change with time. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in therapy.
Thank you again for your detailed reply.
J
Ha. Three engineers here. I have an electrical engineering degree but my work involves design of experiments and statistical analysis of results. Mostly on the periphery these days but once in a while I get to dig back deep into it.
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I'm an aircraft engineer. I work for an airline in maintenance. In Australia we are called engineers. Other parts of the world call us technicians. I like engineer it makes me feel smarter. :)
:-). Well as long as you keep my airplane from falling out of the sky then you get to wear the smart tag.
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Deal! :)