This might seem like a dumb question but I really would like some input from some of the more seasoned men and women here. The thing is that as I progress I become less sure of my core identity. Now its not something causing me any great distress but it is something I cannot put out of my mind.
I have been dead certain I was transsexual since I was about 15, 41 years ago. For many reasons it has just taken me a long time to do something about it. However, as I progress I start wondering in maybe I was wrong. I think maybe I just had some kind of fetish due to high testosterone or maybe I'm really non-binary. So I keep weighing all the evidence in my mind and never seem to be able to come to a definite conclusion.
Some abbreviated background. I became aware of transness at about age 11 and put a name to it when I was 15. I have crossdressed since about age 11 although it wasn't an everyday thing. I could put it away for long periods of time but occasionally I felt the overwhelming need to "see my true self" That included the overwhelming desire to go out in public to assert myself. I did that a few times but in pretty secluded instances. At one point a few years ago I felt really hopeless about it all and very seriously considered suicide although I never made the actual attempt. I did self administered herbals and internet HRT on and off for about ten years after I retired from the Army.
Last year I got fed up with feeling like crap all the time and took the step of seeing a really good gender psychologist and starting supervised HRT. HRT started just under 11 months ago.
So, my first data point is that my psychologist said it was pretty clear that I'm trans. I do trust him because not only has he been dealing with trans issues in his field for years, he is published, he is about my age, and he is trans also so I know he has an intimate understanding of the issues.
So that brings me to today. The problem is that I look at how I feel and compare that to what everyone writes here and I feel like I'm the odd one out.
Here is what I mean. Primarily, I have absolutely no need or real desire to crossdress anymore. I have done it with dresses and such and honestly it doesn't make me feel any different than wearing anything else. I feel just as good wearing women's jeans as I do getting all fancy. Plus its more comfortable. So it follows that I also no longer have a driving voice in my mind to get all dressed up and wander around town. So that leads me to doubt myself.
A second factor is that I cannot say that HRT or dressing makes me feel explicitly female. What HRT does is make me feel explicitly myself without any conflict. Its like the raging storm has past and I am sailing in calm waters now.
A third factor is that I don't feel a driving need to come out to the world in a highly compressed timeline. I am really pretty happy just sailing along slowly and letting nature take its course. I think though that this is at least partially due to fear. Things are good now and I fear moving too fast might upset that equilibrium and create a whole new set of stressful issues. I also think I have this passive aggressive thing going on where I don't have to take the lead in coming out fully.
On the other hand, HRT makes me feel really good. The physical changes I can see and longer hair make me feel really good. Maybe since I can see it and feel it all the time now I don't need the explicit dressing and such to feel like myself? HRT has eliminated my need to get drunk all the time. I used to to that just to numb my mind to my reality. Now I feel real without alcohol and regardless of what I am wearing or doing.
Another thing is that I feel really good when I get gendered female which is happening more often whether I am dressed fully male or out in women's jeans and a t shirt. I also feel slightly disappointed each time it doesn't happen even though when wearing a shirt and tie that is not surprising at all. It did happen this morning though as I was coming through the gate where I work. The guard there greeted me with "Good Morning Miss" as I handed over my identification. LOL, given that I'm 56 the Miss part felt as good as the gendered correctly part.
My overall presentation now is kind of ambiguous other than when I have to wear a tie at work. I don't see it so much looking at myself in the mirror but based on public reaction when I go places where I am not known something has changed a lot. Maybe my age helps there but it does make me feel right and whole and good. Anyway, I am posting a picture from this morning which is fairly typical of me when I'm out and about now other than I don't brush my hair back as tightly on the weekend.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi50.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff341%2Fdebbie7571%2FMobile%2520Uploads%2F9C47404D-971D-4CB8-B70A-B8590AC7D360_zps1hofa52w.jpg&hash=a22cf3df36241ffebe91e34fbb957b7668d948ca) (http://s50.photobucket.com/user/debbie7571/media/Mobile%20Uploads/9C47404D-971D-4CB8-B70A-B8590AC7D360_zps1hofa52w.jpg.html)
That's almost 1000 words now, nearly twice as long as my weekly college English papers, LOL. If anyone has gotten to the end of all this and is still awake then what do you think? Is my psychologist right about me being trans? Does any of this sound like non-binary? Could it all be just some fetish? (I don't really think that but there is still this slight nagging doubt about it). And does anyone else continue to have these questions in their mind? Also, I will discuss al this with my psychologist next time I go but that will not be for a couple of months.
PS. My picture is here in its un-retouched glory. If anyone recognizes me and feels the need to publicize this then the first thing I will tell you is I don't care. Go ahead if it makes you feel good. The second thing I will ask is what were you doing browsing a forum for transsexuals.
I relate to some of your story. For me it was never about crossdressing, and I never felt female.
My gender therapist is adamant that it's not worth the time for me to try to label myself. It's much more worthwhile to figure out how I want to live.
I identify as a non-binary trans woman if anyone asks, but to me that's unimportant. I've found a presentation that I'm comfortable with.
I am not that seasoned but I did read your post and I would like to add a bit if you´re o.k with that :)
First, you probably know that there´s plenty of women who´d much rather dress in comfortable jeans or even sweatshirts and pants, before getting dressed up. Some women don´t even like wearing dresses, I know a couple of them. They´re completely comfortable in their own skin, but that´s just their preference.
You seem very relaxed to me, especially when you say that you don´t feel like hurrying through a lot of changes in a short time span. That seems like a very healthy attitude. When you say that you do feel like maybe you´re not taking the lead, then it might be time to listen to that feeling and take control a bit more - but you can still be relaxed in that, just like you are now.
I think what we all want to get out of this, is to feel more as we really are. That´s the important part. Whether you qualify or not as "succesful trans" doesn´t even matter, I think, because there is no such thing. Every single person is succesful if they can find balance in themselves and make peace with who they are (or are becoming) in this world.
In my completely honest opinion you could be a bit non-binary, but then again you can be non binary and trans at the same time. I don´t see myself as a completely male guy and I never will. In fact, some parts of me are becoming more accepting of feminine aspects of myself as I move along in accepting myself as male. It´s just how we are as humans - multifaceted and colourful.
Thanks for all those replies so far. They are very helpful and I see a lot of wisdom in them.
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Deborah -
Thanks for the post. Yes I read the whole thing because the details are different but I'm thinking the same thing. The voice in my head isn't screaming at me it's just an annoyance. Does that mean I should silence her? If I do, will there be another voice that pops up.
Time will see what I end up doing - transition part/full -time or just cross dress and go to Trans* safe outings.
- Thanks
I sort of have the same feelings.
Dressing for me isn't really exciting anymore. Clothes are clothes. Actually, I sometimes like that I look pretty but I don't go out of my way to look feminine all the time.
I am called ma'am, miss, lady, by strangers instantly all the time. Nobody really doubts I'm female. Even when I'm wearing a men's t shirt and loose jeans. No joke. Couldn't pass as a guy at all. I tried. I failed.
This is absolutely wonderful. Know why? I don't ever have to worry about my gender or passing. I'm not constantly on edge. I'm not thinking, "will I get clocked today?" Once I have my FFS this will be further enhanced.
At the same time while I have no gender dysphoria I really don't feel mentally or physically different. I'm not conscious of any of my lady parts. I just feel natural. But oddly enough I walk and talk like a woman without even trying. So maybe either my latent femininity had been unleashed or my brain chemistry has been altered by hormones. Either way I am not that conscious of my gender anymore.
I don't really wear a lot of makeup. Some days I wear none. Some days I put on a full face. It's just no big deal now.
I'm attracted to men pretty much exclusively now. Women do nothing for me. I look at a woman and my first thought is, oh I like her dress or her shoes. I wonder where I can get those?
I am not non binary. I am female. I don't really understand nb or cd that much but I respect their right to be. But I'm not one of them I think.
Women come in all varieties and yes there is a spectrum. I'm firmly on the F side of the spectrum.
What I am conscious about though is my reproductive equipment and capability. I want a uterus badly. I want to be able to be pregnant even worse. I don't care if I suffer with bloody nasty periods and PMS, it's worth it for me. I realize this may never happen in my lifetime and I have to figure out how to live without it.
I am seven years into "Transitioning" and share many of the same feelings as you. I also spent a lot of time dissecting them. Especially the post WTF meltdowns.
Transition means "To change". An important aspect of transitioning for us is the changes we make in how we feel, see, and think of ourselves. Most of the coping mechanism we used for all our lives also came with a lot of emotional baggage. Changing how we feel about being yourself. Giving yourself permission to accept that you are trans is a major emotional development. You begin to loose the shame and guilt associated with a lifetime of stuffing it away one way or another.
Then magically, the noise in your head starts to disappear. I found many times in the past, and today, that HRT is great at stopping the noise. The GD is no longer overwhelming. There is some level of peace and tranquility inside of you.
This quietude then raises the question... "Hey, I'm feeling fine now. So tell me again just why am I even doing all this silliness?"
If, what you are doing today to manage the GD is working, Great. Do you have to do more? Do you want to do more? Do you need to do more? All very good questions to ask. The answers may change, even on a daily basis.
I often need to remind myself that "I know what does not work". I still slip into the thinking that I'm OK now. Through the shear force of will I can now ride out the dysphoria when it rears it's angry head. Just perhaps I may be able. Just perhaps that might not lead to me to once again becoming that lifeless, soulless, thing I was. I know all too well what happens over time when I back off on the AA and my T creeps out from the basement. Same for tapering or stopping the E.
It is both a blessing and a curse that my GD is not and mostly never has been to the level of my needing to transition. If it were, in some ways life would be simpler. Just as having like no GD would make life far simpler. Decisions would be far more clear cut. In a perfect world I would transition. Being 100% authentic has to better then the 80%-90% I am today. Being where I am today is working (mostly). I see no need to push things any further today. I also have no desire to take the risk of stopping what is working
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Deborah:
Okay, we're about the same age so we can understand each other as contemporaries.
Good for you to not rush when you are still not certain - you can always undo the reversible but not the irreversible.
You posted that you were certain at age 15 - an age when I already was 'scheming' how to transition though I had no idea about definitions nor the hows considering I resided at a small town that had its sole purpose as a bedroom community and civilian population to a remote military base.
I, too, dressed but did not consider it 'cross-dressing'; I wore my older sister's clothes since age 3 - both privately and publicly. I am female and I wear what females wear in my culture.
My parents were divorced when I was in early elementary school. Later (as I began my 7th Grade) when my sister went to live with our mom and I was retained by my dad, that allowed me to come home from school during lunch and change clothes while I ate; I resumed after school and evenings (my dad did not come home from work until after my bed-time). I took my dogs for a walk in the evening dressed in my sister's clothes; I have no idea whether the neighbours saw me as my male predecessor, or as my sister, or as Sharon because they did not approach me. That ended when we moved to Europe when I was in 10th Grade; my dad read me the riot act if I dared too much feminine protesting overseas. My long hair became our quiet, un-spoken confrontation.
I tried some serious suicide as a child - they were among my life's biggest failures, obviously. Plus, I saw several school-mates (including Paul, Terry, Kim, John) from elementary through high school, succeed and I gradually realised that I did not want to be among them. I did try a few times later but they were more or less half-hearted transitory efforts during lulls in my successfull transition or when I failed to see the long view of the big picture how life was right in front of me and in my grasp. One idea, the last, was when I was post-GCS and I thought now would be a great time for my family to collect my corpse and find Sharon rather than my male predecessor; then I realised no one would come for the body anyway so there was no point to that idea. Why would I choose suicide when I achieved what I wanted for a lifetime?
I recently had a short-term association with a gender counsellor who is F-M. He was great, one of the best I have had in my long string since 1978, and I'm likely to go back every once in a while. Yes, Deborah, he knows how a transsexual feels.
My self identity is female - I am a woman. It matters not what I wear. For 'dressing', I do not need to get all 'dolled up'. I am female totally naked in my female body as well as wearing sleepwear, jeans and a sweatshirt, or a skirt / dress outfit. I rarely use face make-up except for times when I want to make an impression; even then it is subdued to just a hint.
You are self-satisfied, calm, at peace with yourself, lacking identity crisis. Your three factors, to me anyway, tell me that you are here. Sometimes life's results are not all sudden, Earth-shattering jolts with a bang; transition does not require fanfare and a big parade. Many moments and events are but a mere whisper and a soft breeze, they take over gradually and imperceptively; we do not see them right before our eyes because we are in them, and they are us.
You wrote that you expected a quick timeline. Look at mine - 11 years; not that I ever had indecision, that's how long it took as an adult and that's not considering since age 3 when I first recognised something was different inside my persona. 'Fear'? I, too, was filled with fears of all the possibilities. But all those possibilities do not happen, only one happens and I decided on each one as they came along and I advanced one step at a time at my pace.
Regrets? Only that I did not take advantage to do things better. Hey, transition is mostly a one-shot deal as each act is as losing your virginity - it happens only once, you get one chance at each point, you take it, and you move on. You can only do a 'first time' one time.
My biggest regret was not taking advantage of my 'male fail' when it began; I would have been at least two years ahead of where I eventually landed and would have forced my employer to make a different decision as they began the process to fire me as a F-M transsexual ('We can't have that here,' my supervisor told me). I did not take this opportunity because my counsellor was a novice in transsexuals; I was residing at Utah, was his first, and he told me that I was the only one around.
You wrote that people identify you as female and that you are pleased when people call you 'Miss' because it fits your identity even when you attempt to present as male and when you dress in male attire. That, Deborah, is another sign you are there; your 'male fail' same as I recognise it when it happened to me during my last two years or so of transition. Well, actually, I wore what I considered uni-sex female attire - jeans, tops, etc. As my appearance re-feminised, that uni-sex female attire re-inforced my female presentation rather than allow me to cover it in my own self-perception. Looking back, people around me who worked with me for years no longer saw my male predecessor but saw the female me yet I was unaware of that 'male fail' in me. Perhaps the final clue for me as 'male' was when I was in a men's room a man entered, saw me, addressed me as 'Miss', and quickly departed thinking he saw a woman in the men's room.
There is a late stage I call 'Passing the 'Passing' Test' - a vague period during late transition when you may or may not be full-time, or part-time, or no time at all, and others now perceive you as you are and not as you were. It's somewhere around 'male fail' for M-F. Once you get beyond PPT and 'male fail', that is the stage that preceeds when you are now female (or male as the case may be to our F-M friends) and you are essentially done. You may have had your final epiphany or it may not happen for years; I was ingrained such that it took another decade to finally flush out traces of the old.
Your web-site picture is clearly that of an attractive woman. I still see female of you in your car.
So if you see yourself as non-binary, then that is who you are. Unless that bothers you, go for it.
Maybe I do recognise you; of course I'm hanging out here at Susan's enjoying the topics and posts and adding my two cents worth of cyber space with our fellow travellers.
Gee, 1000 words. I thought you were just getting started. I am wide awake, not growing tired, and could read more of your story.
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iKate:
To your point I fully agree. I do not awake for the day and consciously ask myself if I am female. My being IS female, 'I AM', and that's all there is to it. I look back to before I attained adulthood and officially began transition, I now see that people perceived me as female by my presence and they abused me for it because I tried presenting as a male that did not fit my presence.
I had an experience yesterday at the department store. I saw a woman whose hair-style looked fabulous. I took a few minutes asking her about it and where she got it done - maybe I would try it. While I am a bit fluid in my orientation, my sole interest was her hair style.
Good luck and the best to you as you pursue your FFS. I think you look fine but it is you who must make that ultimate decision. I can't wait to see the new you. Keep us up-to-date of your progress.
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JoanneB:
You second the point about transition, ERT, and advancing. ERT is a sign that we passed an initial medical review, we passed an initial psychological review, and passed another medical review through an internist or endocrinologist, who sends us back for additional counselling. ERT cements the fact that we made one more step on a journey no matter whether we continue stepping forward or taking an occasional step backward.
Our therapists and physicians help us become aware that yes we are at peace with our self, we accept who we are, we overcome any guilt foisted upon us by outsiders, and we find our calm.
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Cindy:
Thank you for re-opening this thread. It bears discussion; I hope my words make a postitive contribution to this.
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I can't say I understand or come from the same view point but that doesn't matter.
You do you. You be you. That's all that matters. No need to fit in or be the same as anyone else as trans or not, etc.
The main thing is: Only you can say who you are or how you should live your life, etc.
Myself, i'm pretty classic....crossdressing made a huge difference for me at the beginning and HRT has as well....and even as a software developer, I dress pretty nice for work in a world where tshirts and jeans rule.....because thats what makes me feel good/feminine.....and it's what makes me feel ME.
That's what matters ;)