I have had a lifelong love affair with music and was a dancer right up until I went nursing. Just amateur things nothing professional. Even still, I loved to dance because I think it was the only time I could really express myself. Part and parcel with that comes a love of music. I have a varied collection of music and only a few hard core favourites.
I was driving back from the hardware the other morning about 7:30 am and I had the radio playing. The next song to come on the radio triggered such instant powerful emotions in me that I swerved the car out of my lane...I am soooo lucky there was no one beside me. I now have tears streaming down my cheeks...feeling really odd...my stomach is churning...I hit the radio off button...I immediately begin to calm and think my way out of the stupid thoughts I am having...all at 100khs...all this maybe took 10 seconds...I had very little control over the motor car at that point and had there been an emergency I would not have reacted quickly enough if at all. That powerful feeling of not being right just about knocked me out of the driver's seat and so quickly. It took me another 20 minutes or so too get myself together.
I have learnt over the last few days that there are certain songs that will trigger me, every time no matter how prepared I think I am for them and while turning the song off stops the triggering, if it has already set off the feeling of being wrong, different, broken, misunderstood, hating myself hating my body hating my life spiralling into a well of self-pity. I always suspected that music may be a trigger for me but didn't want to admit it. I was always very quick to blame something or someone, else.
Managing this in the future could be a bit tricky...wrong song in the wrong public place and I could end up a blubbering mess for what appears to be no reason. This kind of really intense kind of sensation doesn't happen all the time just when music is involved. I am certain this has to do with memories being triggered by the lyrics or tune.
Does anyone else experience Music or similar as an acute Trigger and what are the ways you deal with it?
I know the routine all too well. During my monthly 350 mile trek south about the only music I can find on the radio worth listening too is so called oldies. No, not the real oldies from the 40's - 50's, even 60's. Nope, aka Classic Rock. AKA about 50 songs over 3 decades. Well, a few of those songs can really get the waterworks going.
I don't really place the cause on the GD, which is a component of it. Music is so closely associated with memories and remembrances of happier, less complicated times past. Reminders of people important to you in your life back then. A life far different then today's. For me, next comes the waves of GD triggered shame and guilt. The "If they only knew" disappointment I am today. The they did know disappointment. ANd of course usually ending with the pain I am causing today
I have been a music nerd forever and there are songs that can turn me into a mess in seconds. Recently there has been a commercial marketed at my generation that uses a song from when I was a teen in the 1990's. It chopped it all to heck though and frustrated me to no end. I needed to hear the original. I had been avoiding it, the album it was on and the band that wrote it for years. I had thought the boys in the band were so cute and cool. When I heard it again I was a mess and I went and bought another album by a contemporary of theirs. One fronted by a woman I wanted to be. I had blocked this other band out entirely. When I first listened to the female singer again it took me back to my painful teenage dysphoria. I remembered being able to sing just like her, then my voice dropped and I hated my voice until I began transition. But I keep listening to it. And I get less sad every time. I am starting to be able to hear the songs on it and enjoy them the way I did before everything went wrong. I found all their videos on youtube too. Oh, and the band of boys that got me to listen to this singer again? I'm back to enjoying their music and reminiscing about my teenage crush on them! Just like anything in transition we can work past the pain, but we have to let ourselves feel it first.
Yes!!! I used to feel so dysphoric with music. But now that i am that genuine woman i always dreamed to be, i dwell on the same songs, that used to make me cry, for hours and hours.
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I'll say this as kind of a disclaimer, I am a bit of a Cynical person so hopefully my tone doesn't come across wrong, I don't mean any harm :police:
I don't really understand how Music can trigger feelings with your dysphoria and I can imagine that causing alot of problems. I can understand if the song is specify about transitioning or the lyrics to songs such ''if I was a boy'', but random songs I don't get it.
Things like break ups, you hear a break up song and feel sad / happy depending on what it is, same with listening to an emotional song about a passed family member etc, or some songs in general are very moving.
Out of curiosity what were the specific songs that triggered you and do you think perhaps it isn't the actual music triggering you, rather it's just pushing you over the edge when your already feel stressed?
Well, one song that almost made me fall off my bicycle early in transition was "I'll Be Your Mirror " by The Velvet Underground. It was the line "when you think the night has seen your mind, that inside you're twisted and unkind, please put down your hands, because I see you" and "I find it hard, to believe you don't know, the beauty you are, but if you don't, let me be your eyes, the hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid" the memory of that moment, hearing that song, in many ways, for the first time, typing these words triggered the memory of the intensified dysphoria of that moment where I almost fell in traffic. I was blinded by tears then and I am a bit verklempt typing it now.
The second album I mentioned in my first reply was a trigger through memory when I heard it again recently but when I first heard it as a teen it was painful too because it was about and by someone I thought I could never be. There is one song about a break up that talks about one character hiding their true nature etc. it broke my heart then as it does now. The band is Frente. The album is Marvin the Album.
Uh, lets see. Lola by the Kinks. Take A Walk On The Wildside by Lou Reed. ;) Seriously though there is one song that does and it's Blessed Are by Joan Baez. It's always said something to me and I rewrote the lyrics once to a transgender theme which only required the change of a few words. If you've never heard it, find it online, listen to the lyrics and see if it doesn't speak to you.
I just started it playing on my computer and my eyes are already moist.
Oh I know where you're coming from haha, same thing happens to me all the time, except I'd be on youtube with my laptop at home. Even being a guitarist (about as amateur as you can get), I still find those certain riffs that make the feels go nuts (weather I play it or not). I think the worst part about it is that I always think of myself being able to actually play like that in front of people, but in the body that I'm comfortable with.
Quote from: Skylar1992 on December 06, 2015, 04:46:13 PM
I'll say this as kind of a disclaimer, I am a bit of a Cynical person so hopefully my tone doesn't come across wrong, I don't mean any harm :police:
I don't really understand how Music can trigger feelings with your dysphoria and I can imagine that causing alot of problems. I can understand if the song is specify about transitioning or the lyrics to songs such ''if I was a boy'', but random songs I don't get it.
Things like break ups, you hear a break up song and feel sad / happy depending on what it is, same with listening to an emotional song about a passed family member etc, or some songs in general are very moving.
Out of curiosity what were the specific songs that triggered you and do you think perhaps it isn't the actual music triggering you, rather it's just pushing you over the edge when your already feel stressed?
Your tone is fine and a great question. I wasn't overly specific but it is certain songs I seem to have a connection with...what they trigger usually are memories of bad feelings or times...if its something I haven't heard before then is is usually a particular line or chorus. The actual song in the car was a "Sober" by Pink which resonates with me very well being a recovering alcoholic. Lots and lots of music just gets me jumping around being a maniac. But only a select few have me in that awful place.
Joanne B - maybe its not the GD but I guess the experience feels similar and it certainly feels like it is a component but after awhile it doesn't really matter because all you feel is miserable.
Kellham - things that bring back clear feelings from around puberty are especially hard for me to deal with...I shudder now when I think of some of the totally stupid self destructive things I used to do
ClaraBrown - I am working on getting to where you are now...just going to take me a coupler of years. I can actually now imagine a life without Dysphoria
kellam - The Cure "close to you" has always had a real nostalgic feel for me as I remember when the video clip came out I was mesmerised by it. I always wanted to be the lead singer..in that song anyway
Beverly Ann - "lola" and "Take a walk on the wild side" are two songs I very rarely play and always switch off when I hear them...very bad for me, make me feel very sad
Firewold - I have been know to have something on Utube "set me off" but more likely it will be a song that I know.
Wow thanks for all the input, It would seem we all have our own personal versions of this hell along with our own ways of dealing with it. Thanks for sharing
Sarah T
In my life I have never had a song trigger dysphoria, but i have had them trigger emotional states. So I can't se why they don't. A Tout Le Monde by Megadeth always seems to make me cry. Especially when i'm already sad. Chloë Jade
Quote from: sarahtokes on December 07, 2015, 01:00:37 AM
Beverly Ann - "lola" and "Take a walk on the wild side" are two songs I very rarely play and always switch off when I hear them...very bad for me, make me feel very sad
I'm sorry Sarah, sometimes my sense of humor and trying to be cute gets me in trouble. :(
Just a note: Holly Woodlawn, the trans woman Walk on the Wild Side was about just died at the age of 69 from cancer.
As for trans themed songs that have helped me there is Mr. Lady by Lunachicks that helped me early in transition. As well as a bunch of other trans themed songs off their album Pretty Ugly. Against Me!'s album Transgender Dysphoria Blues has been a massive help too.
Quote from: BeverlyAnn on December 07, 2015, 09:25:21 AM
I'm sorry Sarah, sometimes my sense of humor and trying to be cute gets me in trouble. :(
Life is so weird...I would not have heard either song in such a long time and they are banned from my collection. This morning while walking the dog the radio station I am listening too is featuring the song and the history of who it was written about (Holly Woodlawn as pointed out by Kellam...thanks Kellam) and the connection to the writer. Very interesting and I was just waiting for them to play it but they didn't...small win...Oh yeah and you are not in trouble with me ;).
Sarah T
Sarah,
I have loved, worked on and worked with music my whole life. Some of my earliest memories of my Mom are of her cleaning the house to certain artists. I am totally in your camp.
Since struggling with this self discovery, music that used to make me tear up a little paralyzes me. Music that made me cry sometimes has no effect at all. Music I never paid much attention to slams me to the floor. It has all become so weird. It is like puberty with the emotions again and I am still a month out from meeting my endo.
I have no good advice to give. However, I would not give up the pure joy, hate, love all the emotions that music triggers in me. I used to have trouble feeling emotions in normal situations and would need music to help. Now it seems I can feel it both ways. Nope, would not give it up, even when I am caught reacting by co workers. I just hope to avoid moving traffic(my daughter when being taught to drive manual exlaimed, "Why do we force ourselves to traverse in these death beatles?").
So, I am of no help but totally get it.
Joanna
Quote from: Joanna50 on December 07, 2015, 03:36:11 PM
I have no good advice to give. However, I would not give up the pure joy, hate, love all the emotions that music triggers in me. I used to have trouble feeling emotions in normal situations and would need music to help. Now it seems I can feel it both ways. Nope, would not give it up, even when I am caught reacting by co workers. I just hope to avoid moving traffic(my daughter when being taught to drive manual exlaimed, "Why do we force ourselves to traverse in these death beatles?").
So, I am of no help but totally get it.
Joanna
Maybe it has more to do with me actually feel the emotions I am experiencing. I was an emotional Kid growing up and acutely sensitive to the atmosphere around me. It did not take much to have me getting upset. As a consequence I copped pure hell for a long time...but eventually I learnt to recognise the emotions and stop me from feeling them properly and to keep blunting them. Not fully but I have said before in another post on here I feel emotionally blunted at times.
Since reaching the point of accepting myself as trans I have allowed my emotions to be felt and explored a little more freely...I don't hide anymore...same when I am having one of those horrible Dysphoric times...where everything feels wrong or out of whack which of course leads to all that other self defeating feelings.
Love it or hate it, music seems to hold special meaning one way or the other for most of us.