I'm trying really hard not to cry right now. Every time my mother misgenders me and calls me "she/her" it eats away at me a little more inside. I had a breakdown yesterday, and I remember screaming out why am I a girl, why can't I be a boy? I just want to be accepted and to feel loved by my mother. I tried to tell her so many times that I'm not her daughter, but her son... and she just says I'm a confused little girl and it hurts beyond belief. I can't stop trembling, This morning she had the audacity to pray over me and said in her prayer for god to take this perversion away..... I'm so close to just giving up. I can take the oppression and unacceptance from other people, but from my mother... I just can't... I need support, and no one is there to support me.. it's like there's an unavoidable yawning grave in front of me, and that's where I'll fall into eventually.
Hi sly blue,
I hear ya. We are all with you. You're Mum. We'll have to wait for her to catch up. In the meantime try not to look to her for support. You're not going to get it. You're poor a mums blind if she thinks this is a perversion.
Draw your strength from us. There's plenty here for you.
Speak to you as soon as I eat some prawns.
Huggs
Catherine
So agree with Catherine,
Sometimes we crave acceptance from loved ones that never comes. You have to reach out for it from other sources including friends, therapists, spiritual advisers if you are into that, etc. Time and space often help.
I always found it comforting that by design we are meant to leave the nest and be our own people. Parents often say that they are given teenagers, with all of the behavior that goes along with that so that they will get sick of them and kick them out of the nest. I think the reverse is true too, we are given parents so we will want to get out in the world ourselves.
Hugs and peace
Liam,
Hope you don't mind I lifted your name from your banners?
I am not your age. I am not traveling your journey. I am not you. However, I have had a version of your feelings. Those feelings come and go. While we all are invited to that yawning grave, we can request a rain check. I did that as recently as 2 weeks ago.
There is nothing like a face to face if you have a friend or counselor you can trust. However, I do agree with Catherine that you can look to those of us here for strength and support. My oldest daughter has a 17 yo trans male friend going through a rough time as well. While it may feel like it, you are not alone.
It is hard to face the convictions of someone with a strong belief. If a family connection does not cut it, logic will not. I hope you can find a smoother path. Stay strong.
With warmth,
Joanna
Sometimes those who love us the most are also the most reluctant to accept change. The love is still there but they can't deal with anything that upsets the proverbial apple cart. I've been where you are. I still am in many ways. My family took a very long time to accept me. And as far as accepting me for who I am... well for some, I'm still waiting. It has been thirty years.
I learned to find friendship and love from other people. When I transitioned, I went stealth since no one seemed to be able to deal with this. I found it easier to just not tell people. Our society is much more open to trans people now.
Don't give up on you mother. Never let the love you have for her diminish. But don't wait for her to change. You took a very long time to come to terms with who you are. She may take longer. She will always love you in some degree. If you are still a minor, you should do your best to accommodate her wishes until you are of legal age. Just remember, you are an individual and must ultimately decide for yourself what is best for you.
Cindi
Praying over you? 'Perversion'? Give me strength... ::)
Your mother's behaviour is not helping you right now. Like many parents - particularly those of the religious variety - she thinks she's doing the right thing by trying to steer you onto what she considers to be the 'correct' path. Your mother is responding to this situation the only way she knows how: she's turning to her faith for guidance, and that faith has not provided her with suitable tools to deal with it effectively. To make matters worse, I daresay she's discussing this with her religious leader, and they're most likely giving her the wrong advice.
Your mother needs to be properly informed about trans issues, but who will she listen to? Would she only accept information from certain religious sources? Could you show her some movies or videos? Would she be open to speaking to a therapist, or a doctor, or other members of the trans community? Would she be happy to ask questions here in the 'Significant Others' forum so she can discuss her concerns with other relatives & friends of trans people? What would get through to her?
Instead of craving her approval and support (which she's clearly not ready to provide at the moment), look for approval & support elsewhere, such as from your friends or from other members of the LGBT community. Don't scream at her. Don't get angry with her. Don't cry when she misgenders you. Instead, remind yourself that you will 100% be transitioning as soon as you're able, and that there won't be a single thing your mother or anyone else can do to stop it. Take heart in the fact that there will come a time when you're so far down the road of transition that your masculinity will be clear for all to see, and anyone (including your mother) who misgenders you at that point will look like a complete idiot. At that stage - and perhaps sooner - she'll have no choice but to accept you for who you are. You will have the last laugh, so every single time she misgenders you is just another piece of ammo for you to store up, to make that laugh all the heartier.
You might find that you have to keep quiet about this and refuse to discuss it with her, whilst quietly transitioning by yourself. That's what I had to do when my family became vile: I just stopped talking about it but started doing things about it, and I waited for them to notice - by which time it was too late. I also refused to answer to my deadname or female pronouns, which was difficult enough for me but it'd be much harder for you as a minor (where you are, at least - you'd be an adult right now where I live!).
Dear Sly Blue (a lovely name):
I speak to you as an elder who has lived a long life as a trans-person, and transitioned late in life. So my words come to you from that experience; not necessarily as well informed but simply from someone who walked your path for decades upon decades. I offer you my compassion, hope and listening with the knowledge you should have a full and wonderful life, and one such we here all seek. In your case you are dealing with a mysterious and profoundly transformative condition and period in time early in life - a gift really, a true gift that few ever imagine much less experience.
Just now though, your sadness and despair are understandable and we here get that fully. You have our support and our offering of a deep felt sense of caring. Please continue to turn to us; it's why in part we are here and because we need you too; we all benefit from our sense of community, fellowship and support. I wonder if you might consider seeking out a local support group. You are likely to find others face-to-face who are on the same journey as you (or close enough), and therein perhaps will grow a kindred spirit of adventure, caring and love that is so essential.
Your mom is having an all too common reaction, and her reaction is all about her perceptions of herself and as your mother. Try to keep that in mind as she responds to you, she is on a journey too. In time she may change and what blessing that would be. However, she may not change and that makes your outreach here and possibly to a local support group extremely important.
As for the dread, the grief, the guilt and a broken heart: Many of us in the trans-community know this well and the despair it can lead to including its serious consequences long-term. I am sad to say that I confronted my trans-gift throughout childhood, youth and adulthood always with an eye to the dark side. Then a time came when I looked into that abyss one evening for too long, but thankfully for reasons still no totally clear I wasn't successful in stepping into the void. I learned something quite empowering once on the other side of that terrible moment - if successful I would have never known my true self nor would there have ever been peace . . . and that loss would have been far more grievous than any I could imagine and/or create.
You will eventually breakthrough and know the joy of being whole and complete; it will take time. You are beautiful person who can become a wonderful member in the great clan of manhood. You richly deserve to do so.
Take care and stay in touch,
Rachel
thank you all for the kind words and reassurances. it means a lot to know that you all care so deeply, and that I'm not alone. I'm feeling better now, for several reasons.
I just called my endo, and I'm on the waiting list at the moment, but they will be calling me as soon as there is an opening. My mom has no idea that I've been referred to the endocrinologist, for the mere fact that I will be 18 before my appointment, so she will have no say so.
My best friend, who started testosterone a few months ago, will be coming along when it comes time for me to go to the endo. And on top of that, my male friends told me today that they consider me one of the guys, and they accept me for who I am.
It's a long road, but I'm going to try and keep moving forward.
Wonderful and keep it up.
R
1) How old are you? Depending on your age you can get emancipated from your mother, but you will need to research the places you can go to get your feet on the ground after.
2) I highly recommend pretending to be cis in front of your religious mother who is treating you like garbage. It's reaaaaally hard to do this, but it's easier to get her off your back and figure out your escape plan.
3) Your biological family isn't always your logical family, and I promise that it gets better when you can get out of the fishbowl of hate your mom has made for you. Move out, as soon as possible, and don't go back until you biological family respects you and doesn't treat you like garbage.
4) Find safe places for you to be yourself in and present the way you feel most comfortable. Look for supportive friends who will use your preferred pronouns and name.
5) Be safe, and hang in there. You are perfect the way you are, the people who don't appreciate how special you are don't deserve to have you in their lives.
6) Work your way to being financially independent ASAP. Everything is easier when you can afford to be independent.
You're welcome to msg me privately any time, and keep us posted about things that crop up. If you have questions or need help, there are many trans men here able to talk to you better than I can about the gear and medical sides. Take care of yourself and make a plan to follow. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Hugs,
- Katie
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