Hey everybody! So basically, I'm a male by birth. 22 years old. A bit gender-confused over the past few months.
A while back I was reading some stuff on a tumblr account about trans stuff (it was only slightly porny) and for some reason something struck me and I thought "maybe I'm trans?" And that kind of set everything in motion for me. Ever since then it's been consistent dysphoria concerning myself and my gender. It fluctuates, ranging from incredibly intense to just a passing thought. But I can't honestly think of one day in the past 5 months it hasn't crossed my mind AT LEAST once. Never had this before, but definitely have it now.
I've actually fantasized about being a woman for quite a while. (Everyday stuff, not just sex.) I've been super into the idea of being a transsexual ever since I found out what one is, watching transwomen on youtube talking about their lives and wishing that could be me, but never really thinking in terms of it being something I could ACTUALLY do until recently.
As far as sex goes, I'm bisexual but definitely more into women. But I've never actually had sex or done anything of that nature. I was raised SUPER conservatively and within a religion that did nothing but shame me for ever having a single sexual thought. And even though I'm out of that now, I'm still incredibly anxious about sex and relationships, to the point where I don't even try. Lots of my guy friends grill me about my lack of a romantic life, but the truth is, even though I like women, I just don't look at them exactly the same way as them. I've always kind of felt like a lesbian in a way, if that makes ANY sense. And I've always known I was 'different' in some inexplicable way when it comes to the subject.
I suppose my main issue is that I just question the validity of my feelings. I do WANT to be female. But I don't FEEL female inside. Though, I don't feel male either. I don't really like being called a "man" or stuff like that. But I have to admit, many of my mannerisms and ways of doing things are stereotypically male. Most of my role models are male, and many of my girl friends have described me as being "such a guy," much to my chagrin. Even if I was a girl, I think I'd be a rather boyish one.
I'm just in a very weird and questioning place right now. Am I a woman who needs to accept herself? A guy that needs to get laid? Or some other androgynous creature? Which I wouldn't mind at all actually, I even try to think and dress androgynously to a certain degree, but I still have dysphoric thoughts about wanting to be a woman. And I don't know why they're there or why they won't go away. As a relatively happy and successful male, WHY do I even have this desire? There are some days when everything is going great and I'm happy as can be, and it still pops up in my head, as if it's directly preventing me from being happy. And then I think "No, I'm killing it as a dude right now, what's your problem?" And after that it's intense guilt over 'abandoning' the female side of me.
I know I should probably see a therapist and I plan to in a couple of months once my finances are in order (if I'm still having this issue at all). I guess all I'm looking for with this post is some temporary words of encouragement to get me through those times when I'm feeling REALLY stressed out about all this. So far, the only thing that really does bring me down and comfort me is the thought that one day, not too long from now, I'll be the girl I see in my head.
Or am I just deluding myself?
Thoughts?
Everything you describe is eerily relatable. I'm 25 and I pretty much feel the exact same way you do. It has built up over the last 4 or 5 years but just in the last few months am I starting to face it.
The part about you feeling like a lesbian really resonates with me. I have joked almost my whole life like "holy crap guys, I'm a lesbian. You know why.... Cause I like girls!! Hahahaha" but I realize now deep down that when I said it, I meant it. Even though I didn't necessarily know that at the time. I was just thinking as I walked into work the other day "I am a lesbian. I've always felt like a lesbian." And that was a crazy, but comforting revelation to have. Even if I never end up deciding that I'm a trans woman through and through, and that I want to live my life as a woman, that fact is apparent to me.
I also want to say while I'm thinking about it, that what you said about the site you were on being only "slightly pornographic". Basically, I just want you to know that's okay, and based on a few things people have said to me on here is even normal. A lot of the dysphoria I've experienced over the last few months manifested itself, now more than ever I'm certain, through watching transexual porn. As time went on I realized that I liked it so much because I saw myself as a transexual in a lot of ways, it turned me on, and it was also a way to release any potential feelings that I might have about being, or wanting to be a transexual. It seems to me like I'm not the only one that has coped with these things by fetishizing them. For whatever reason that is more acceptable in our society than actually BEING transexual.... Which in and of itself is ->-bleeped-<-ing crazy, and sad. It's also a reality. So don't think that because you're looking at this type of material means that your feelings aren't valid or that it's not okay. Even if it's fully pornographic, like in my case, it doesn't mean that it doesn't go beyond sex. And on that note, just because you haven't had sex, it doesn't mean that you feel this way just because you "need to get laid". Gender and sex are two different things. I highly doubt that having sex would make any of the feelings you have go away.
The last thing I wanted to touch on is "killing it as a male". I have totally felt that way, and used it as a justification for myself to continue stifling any of the feelings I had about wanting to be a woman, or even partially a woman (also keep in mind there is a very wide spectrum in between male and female, there are plenty of people that don't feel like they fall at either end). But I've also felt like I did okay as a boy or man. I always played sports, was never great but I held my own a lot of times against the other guys. I love metal and hardcore music. I watch football religiously, and I've always been able to make great friends that are male and share those same interests. At the same time I've always gotten along great with women,l. And I've always felt like something wasn't right. Maybe it was passing, or maybe it was in my face. Either way I always chocked it up to normal teenage angst puberty stuff or just straight up depression or anxiety. When I think back now I can't help but notice that it may very well have stemmed from my insecurities of not being "all that is man" like so many of those around me.
Just know that whatever you decide is right for you, you can be successful and happy. Whether you want to be a man, a woman, or anything in between. Also know that you and I have a lot more time to figure it out than a lot of other people did or do. Hell im sure some people go to there grave never facing it, or even identifying the pain in the first place. You have time and there is no rush in deciding what is right for you. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here!
Hugs! I wish you all the best!
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Hey J-Sada!
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Good to see you're considering a therapist, that's usually the best way to start to throw some light on your gender identity. The pressures of modern society can make it difficult to know if our thoughts are real or not, so it's good to get certain gender expectations out of the way and then things can become clearer.
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Cheers
Grace
Oh, I can understand wanting to be the woman that you dream of in the future very much. I can really relate. God bless.
I am MTF and had my surgery 33 years ago. While my discovery was at age 13, what you are feeling isn't that much different from what I felt. How can we know what being a female is like before we become one. The truth is you don't think about being female very much. The primary thing post surgical is the uncomfortable feeling with your current gender and the drive to become a woman are gone.
If you are questioning yourself, go to youtube and request "the transition channel". It's a series of videos that will ask you the right questions to determine what you are. I am pretty sure you are transgender and like transsexual but that is something for you to determine. If you have additional questions, post them on this thread and I will respond to them if I can.
When I was reading about how sexuality played into this, I felt very similarly to you. I always felt pretty more lesbian than straight (I understand this isn't your exact situation, but just making parallels) and quite honestly you can feel how you want to feel. But if you feel like being a girl, I don't think that means anything about being a boy with a certain sexuality. It is whatever comes first in your mind, and if being a girl comes first, so be it, and everything must follow .
Thank you to everybody for your replies and recommendations. It's especially helpful to know that there are people who relate to my situation specifically.
I've come to understand in time that dysphoria is something that has always been with me. Ever since I was a child and especially when I was a teenager. Anxiety and depression concerning my body and who I was were always present. Though I always admired certain female things such as clothing and the way women were able to interact with the world, my dysphoria was never really gender related until recently. (Most of this is probably attributable to just never really allowing myself to think about gender or sex.)
I'm at a point now where I do accept the fact that I am transgender, though to what degree I still have no way of knowing. The biggest fear for me right now is still my own mind. I'm afraid that the reason none of this happened until recently is because it's not really true, and that I somehow fabricated it all subconsciously in an effort to explain all my other problems. I'm afraid that I'm a man who has failed in life and has now driven himself crazy.
Quote from: J-Sada on December 12, 2015, 09:19:36 PM
I'm at a point now where I do accept the fact that I am transgender, though to what degree I still have no way of knowing. The biggest fear for me right now is still my own mind. I'm afraid that the reason none of this happened until recently is because it's not really true, and that I somehow fabricated it all subconsciously in an effort to explain all my other problems. I'm afraid that I'm a man who has failed in life and has now driven himself crazy.
This has been my greatest struggle too. I find myself thinking sometimes, "is this really the issue?" Or am I just building it up in my head as a reason for all my issues with depression and anxiety. Will it really make me happy to address and change my life in this way? As I start to wear nail polish and women's clothes more and dabble with makeup, seeing myself in the mirror makes me smile like it never really has. I've always been "okay" with my appearance, but I've never really smiled or had the feeling I do when I'm fully done up, even if I'm just simply wearing my girly sweatpants and clips in my hair.
I would say this is something that may help you too. Just experiment with what makes you happy in your own time. How you feel when you're alone or with someone you trust when you do this will help give you a better idea of what will make you happy. Only you can decide what you want, but deep down you probably already know. Just allow yourself the time to experiment and grow and see where it takes you!
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Wow. Your experience sounds almost exactly like mine, and I'm gland I'm not alone here.
QuoteI've actually fantasized about being a woman for quite a while. (Everyday stuff, not just sex.) I've been super into the idea of being a transsexual ever since I found out what one is, watching transwomen on youtube talking about their lives and wishing that could be me, but never really thinking in terms of it being something I could ACTUALLY do until recently.
I fantasized about being a girl when I was 13 and hitting puberty, but those thoughts started to scare me as I explored them further, and my involvement in Evangelical Christianity made it worse. I was worried that I was "becoming gay" as I explored my feminine side back then, so I stopped before I could reach any real answers then. I didn't like the changes that were happening to me, but as there was (to my knowledge) nothing I could do to change it, I resigned myself to my fate. I've only realized about three months ago that those feelings never had gone away; they had just been hiding in the background since then. Except now I can't hid behind the same excuses: I gave up that particular brand of religion years ago and more importantly I know that it is possible to actually become a girl if I really feel I want to.
I have also been strangely drawn toward trans women to the point of dating/attempting to date no less than three, including my current girlfriend (who knows that I'm questioning my identity and is totally supportive). I explained this pattern by saying I have always been fascinated by the idea of switching sexes, and meeting someone who has really done it gives me a feeling of "wow, you're awesome!" Maybe there was a certain amount of "I wish I could do what you're doing" in there, come to think of it.
QuoteAs far as sex goes, I'm bisexual but definitely more into women. But I've never actually had sex or done anything of that nature. I was raised SUPER conservatively and within a religion that did nothing but shame me for ever having a single sexual thought. And even though I'm out of that now, I'm still incredibly anxious about sex and relationships, to the point where I don't even try. Lots of my guy friends grill me about my lack of a romantic life, but the truth is, even though I like women, I just don't look at them exactly the same way as them. I've always kind of felt like a lesbian in a way, if that makes ANY sense. And I've always known I was 'different' in some inexplicable way when it comes to the subject.
I'm also bisexual, to about the same degree as you. And I think I also have the same attitude toward lesbians. Like, I've often found myself wanting to be part of a lesbian couple for some reason, and have had to snap back to reality with "but I'm a guy." My sexual behavior overall is very feminine; I prefer to attract people by giving off hints that I'm interested and wait for a response rather than taking the initiative and asking (which I am very uncomfortable with, though I'm often forced to).
QuoteI suppose my main issue is that I just question the validity of my feelings. I do WANT to be female. But I don't FEEL female inside. Though, I don't feel male either. I don't really like being called a "man" or stuff like that. But I have to admit, many of my mannerisms and ways of doing things are stereotypically male. Most of my role models are male, and many of my girl friends have described me as being "such a guy," much to my chagrin. Even if I was a girl, I think I'd be a rather boyish one.
All of this is me too. I know on an intellectual level it makes sense that I'm trans, and I have acknowledged that if there were no social pressures on me to be one way or another, I would rather be female (though confusingly, I would still want to keep my current genitalia). However, I still identify strongly with male characters in media and am not really feminine at all. My mental image of myself is still male, and it is really difficult to perceive myself as female on a deeper emotional level. I have been making some progress by crossdressing and looking at myself in the mirror; I do see myself as female then and I think I like it.
As for masculine/feminine: I never played with dolls when I was little, I don't think I'd ever want to wear heels, and I cannot get involved in girly fashion discussions with the other chatgoers on here; the subject just isn't interesting to me. And you know what? I've come to realize that doesn't matter. There is a cis girl who hangs out with the Pathfinder RPG group I'm part of, talks as loudly and brazenly as any of the guys, and wears masculine outfits, and yet nobody has ever claimed she was really a guy because of it. Being a girl and liking stereotypically girly things are completely different.
QuoteI'm just in a very weird and questioning place right now. Am I a woman who needs to accept herself? A guy that needs to get laid? Or some other androgynous creature? Which I wouldn't mind at all actually, I even try to think and dress androgynously to a certain degree, but I still have dysphoric thoughts about wanting to be a woman. And I don't know why they're there or why they won't go away. As a relatively happy and successful male, WHY do I even have this desire? There are some days when everything is going great and I'm happy as can be, and it still pops up in my head, as if it's directly preventing me from being happy. And then I think "No, I'm killing it as a dude right now, what's your problem?" And after that it's intense guilt over 'abandoning' the female side of me.
Me too, all the time, to the point where I've had difficulty functioning because of it.
QuoteI know I should probably see a therapist and I plan to in a couple of months once my finances are in order (if I'm still having this issue at all). I guess all I'm looking for with this post is some temporary words of encouragement to get me through those times when I'm feeling REALLY stressed out about all this. So far, the only thing that really does bring me down and comfort me is the thought that one day, not too long from now, I'll be the girl I see in my head.
Or am I just deluding myself?
Thoughts?
You're totally not deluding yourself. I'm in your situation as well, and I suspect everyone on here has been at that point too. I've found hanging out in the chat here has helped me deal with it just as you're trying to do as well, and I'd encourage you to show your face around there as well. We're all here to support each other with these issues. Personally, I'm glad to have met someone who seems to be on the same page as me.
Welcome to the forum.
I can relate to everything you said. I just wish I'd come to the realization that I was transgender at age 22, instead of 60. I went through many cycles of "Maybe I am - no, I must be imagining it" before coming to the conclusion that I am.
I was never masculine enough to be accepted as "one of the guys", but of course was too masculine to be a girl.
I don't know what role the strict upbringing / no sex thing had, but I can relate to that, too. I didn't get laid until I was 30. Was that cause or effect? It doesn't matter, but it's part of the mix.
I always had thoughts of wanting to be a girl/woman, going back to at least as young as 8 years old. I cross-dressed for a while when I was single.
I wish I had had that realization and started doing something about it much earlier. You are young and self-aware. Do make that appointment with a therapist as soon as you can.
I relate to this wholeheartedly at the moment, including your questions and confusions about it.. It's beautiful to start accepting things instead of blocking them out though. Im starting to feel at home in my body just thinking about how much more I can express myself and present as my ideal chosen gender; female!!
<3 Good luck!! I'm 25 and I wish I was seriously thinking about this like you are now at age 22, but it's never too late! Never ever ever!
Quote from: Jamie_06 on December 12, 2015, 11:57:46 PM
Wow. Your experience sounds almost exactly like mine, and I'm gland I'm not alone here.
I fantasized about being a girl when I was 13 and hitting puberty, but those thoughts started to scare me as I explored them further, and my involvement in Evangelical Christianity made it worse. I was worried that I was "becoming gay" as I explored my feminine side back then, so I stopped before I could reach any real answers then. I didn't like the changes that were happening to me, but as there was (to my knowledge) nothing I could do to change it, I resigned myself to my fate. I've only realized about three months ago that those feelings never had gone away; they had just been hiding in the background since then. Except now I can't hid behind the same excuses: I gave up that particular brand of religion years ago and more importantly I know that it is possible to actually become a girl if I really feel I want to.
I have also been strangely drawn toward trans women to the point of dating/attempting to date no less than three, including my current girlfriend (who knows that I'm questioning my identity and is totally supportive). I explained this pattern by saying I have always been fascinated by the idea of switching sexes, and meeting someone who has really done it gives me a feeling of "wow, you're awesome!" Maybe there was a certain amount of "I wish I could do what you're doing" in there, come to think of it.
I'm also bisexual, to about the same degree as you. And I think I also have the same attitude toward lesbians. Like, I've often found myself wanting to be part of a lesbian couple for some reason, and have had to snap back to reality with "but I'm a guy." My sexual behavior overall is very feminine; I prefer to attract people by giving off hints that I'm interested and wait for a response rather than taking the initiative and asking (which I am very uncomfortable with, though I'm often forced to).
All of this is me too. I know on an intellectual level it makes sense that I'm trans, and I have acknowledged that if there were no social pressures on me to be one way or another, I would rather be female (though confusingly, I would still want to keep my current genitalia). However, I still identify strongly with male characters in media and am not really feminine at all. My mental image of myself is still male, and it is really difficult to perceive myself as female on a deeper emotional level. I have been making some progress by crossdressing and looking at myself in the mirror; I do see myself as female then and I think I like it.
As for masculine/feminine: I never played with dolls when I was little, I don't think I'd ever want to wear heels, and I cannot get involved in girly fashion discussions with the other chatgoers on here; the subject just isn't interesting to me. And you know what? I've come to realize that doesn't matter. There is a cis girl who hangs out with the Pathfinder RPG group I'm part of, talks as loudly and brazenly as any of the guys, and wears masculine outfits, and yet nobody has ever claimed she was really a guy because of it. Being a girl and liking stereotypically girly things are completely different.
Me too, all the time, to the point where I've had difficulty functioning because of it.
You're totally not deluding yourself. I'm in your situation as well, and I suspect everyone on here has been at that point too. I've found hanging out in the chat here has helped me deal with it just as you're trying to do as well, and I'd encourage you to show your face around there as well. We're all here to support each other with these issues. Personally, I'm glad to have met someone who seems to be on the same page as me.
Omg.. Reading that was so surreal. It's almost like we are the same person..
Isn't it crazy and scary and beautiful to be what we are.. Born into bodies that we don't 100% identify with, and we all light the way for each other to get through this unique journey.. God, it's going to be an interesting year.. lol
Omg.. Reading that was so surreal. It's almost like we are the same person..
Isn't it crazy and scary and beautiful to be what we are.. Born into bodies that we don't 100% identify with, and we all light the way for each other to get through this unique journey.. God, it's going to be an interesting year.. lol
Just nearly weeped reading the above. How wonderful!
What a lovely thread . . . Rachel
I second the Therapist idea. I got past the uncertainty/ questioning stage really fast through seeing a psychologist. I came out of it way more confident and self aware through that process.
Yes, once all of this holiday craziness dies down by the end of the month I will finish the letter I've started to a local LGBT counseling group and start with therapy.